In this second installment, I will discuss signs 10 through 16:

10. He/she scares you or makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do
These indicators of abuse are about intimidation.  Once you have passed through the emotional abuse phase—and you’ve not left—physical intimidation is often not far behind.  Intimidation further increases the person’s control over you…the ultimate aim in abuse.

11. He/she behaves violently and/or owns weapons and threatens to use them
12. He/she has a history of fighting, loses his/her temper quickly, and/or has hurt animals or other people
Threats of using weapons go along with the previous sign, as this is the next step in intimidation.  Behaving violently and having a history of fighting signify anger and violent tendencies as part of his or her personality.  Different people harbor different degrees of anger and have more or less healthy ways of handling it.  Someone who has a history of violence or a disregard for the feelings of living things is more likely to have a disregard for your feelings: Less conscience and compassion as a person means less conscience and compassion as a partner.  In fact, as someone in an emotional or intimate relationship, you are in a position to push his or her buttons most easily…so you’re even more likely to bear the brunt of aggressive outbursts.

13. He/she makes all the decisions in the relationship and/or does not care about your thoughts and feelings
Part of this is related to the possessiveness and control described earlier.  Many abusive partners feel inadequate and helpless to exert control over their lives.  They respond by forcefully seeking to control their significant other.

The other aspect shows that for the abuser, the relationship is not about equal partners, give and take, and mutual sacrifice; it’s about making you think that you are lucky to have them and you’d better act like it.

14. He/she abuses alcohol or drugs and pressures you to take them
There are two issues going on here.  On one hand is the fact that he or she abuses drugs or alcohol.  Unlike the other warning signs, this does not necessarily signify or lead to abuse.  As most medical professionals will attest to, addiction is a disease, not a personality fault.  However, there are reasons it is relevant here.

Probably the most significant is that people who abuse drugs or alcohol have not developed healthier ways for handling their emotions; so often, they are not in control of their emotions.  People who cannot deal with the anger and unpleasant feelings that are part of life are more likely to lash out at their partners in a violent manner.  And someone who is intoxicated has even less inhibitions and self-control; an angry person might be able to contain themselves when sober, but being under the influence breaks down their restraint and clouds their better judgment regarding right and wrong.

The second issue here, pressuring you to partake, is more indicative on its own of abuse.  And it goes back to control.  If you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, you are in a weaker, one-down position; the more in disarray your life, the more you need your partner and are willing to stay together no matter what the negatives.

Also, the addiction can be used to create a false bond, an “us against the world” feeling that makes it harder to leave…especially if he or she is the only one who is aware of your addiction.  Finally, in the worst of scenarios, the partner will introduce you to an addictive substance…that you’ll need to rely on them to procure.  The result is total dependence: Your ability to function relies on complying with their requests and putting up with their bullying behavior.

15. He/she won’t accept breaking up—threatens to hurt you or themselves if you break up
16. He/she stalks you after you’ve tried to break if off
As with the other signs, it’s about gaining control and power over you.  In fact, according to MayoClinic.com, abuse is always about power and control: “In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner,” explains the article on domestic violence.  “…Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner.  But it’s not really about anger.  It’s about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship.  In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control…”

And the worst thing you can do is get back together in response to an abusive partner’s threats or stalking.  Because each time you succumb to these tactics, you give him or her even more control!  In other words, you’ll likely be coming back to a relationship that will be even more abusive.

The final word

The most important message is that whether it’s been two dates or ten years, you can’t afford to ignore the warning signs of abuse.  If you are not certain how to interpret some of the earliest signals, talk to a trusted friend, family member, or pastor for an objective opinion…and then don’t try to rationalize.  If your gut instincts tell you that something is wrong, listen!  Getting up the guts to leave an abusive relationship takes courage, but it’s much, much easier in the initial stages than once you’ve sacrificed your self-esteem and allowed yourself to become isolated.

So what if you are seeing the signs?  If physical abuse is already occurring—even in its mildest form—you need to summon your strength and leave, in addition to reporting it to the proper authorities.  (Note: Depending on the severity of the situation, this may involve planning your exit privately before telling your partner.)

In the case of the emotional abuse that often precedes the physical, you must make it known to your partner that you will not tolerate this type of treatment.  If you are experiencing emotional abuse, yes, you might try couples counseling or meeting together with your pastor.  But my opinion is that someone who doesn’t treat their partner—the person they love—with basic kindness and respect is a certain kind of person…and a person you don’t need.  Remember, as a Christian and a child of God, you are enough all by yourself.  Should you find a mate who adds to your happiness and harmony in life, wonderful.  But if not, you have the ability to create it on your own.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE, or call 911 if there is immediate danger.

•    According to the United States Bureau of Justice, 30% of female victims of homicide are murdered by a partner with whom they are intimate.
•    According to an Essence.com interview with Ted Bunch, co-founder of A Call to Men, a New York-based nonprofit organization committed to stopping violence against women, “The number one reason for women’s emergency room visits are due to violence committed against them by men. In the African-American community, 1 out of 4 women have violence committed against them…”
•    According to the American Bar Association, Commission on Domestic Violence website, a 2002 Tufts University study concluded that, “The number one killer of African-American women ages 15 to 34 is homicide at the hands of a current or former intimate partner.”

While terrifying at any time, these statistics seem particularly appropriate right now.  Because like the rest of the world, I am shocked and saddened by the recent “incident” between celebrity couple Rihanna and Chris Brown.  For any of you who don’t know, it has been reported that late last Saturday night, the two had a heated argument while riding home from a pre-Grammy party.  During the course of the fight, they ended up on the street outside of his car, when—depending on which report you read—he choked, punched, and/or hit Rihanna, leaving her with a split lip, bruised face/forehead, bite marks, and, by some accounts, even unconscious.

And while at this point the above details are still hearsay, it is certain that something physical transpired.  And this hammers home the fact that there is the potential for abuse in any relationship, no matter how attractive, rich, famous, or sweet and innocent the people appear…and even when one or both considers themselves a Christian! (Online sources claim that Brown is a Christian with a tattoo of Jesus on his arm.)

This means that whether we are single and looking, in the initial stages of dating, or involved in a longer-term twosome, we need to know how to keep ourselves safe from abuse.  And the best way to protect ourselves is to learn to recognize the early warning signs…then get up the guts to take action.

What is meant by “abuse”?

A good place to start is to clarify exactly what is meant by the term “abuse.”  According to Raphael House of Portland’s Take Care project, “Physical abuse is usually always preceded by or accompanied by emotional abuse. Physical abuse can range from pinching or squeezing in a painful way to violent attacks that can and often do result in death.”

“Emotional abuse,” they explain, “usually always accompanies physical abuse. Often, emotional abuse will escalate just prior to physical battering. But emotional abuse happens with or without physical abuse. Because it does not leave scars or bruises, it is a less obvious form of abuse, but its effects can be devastating for victims…Abusers use a wide-range of behaviors to emotionally control and belittle their victims, including name-calling, blaming, threatening, manipulating, withholding approval, and making hostile or mean-spirited jokes.”

Finally, “dating violence” is described as, “the use of physical, emotional and/or sexual violence to gain power and maintain control in a casual or serious dating relationship…Domestic violence and dating violence are very similar…(but) Domestic violence usually refers to couples who are married or living together. Dating violence refers to couples who are in a casual or serious dating relationship and who may or may not be intimate.”

It should also be clarified that while the majority of physical abuse victims are female, there are certainly male victims as well.  And emotional or physical abuse is every bit as real and as devastating for male victims as it is for their female counterparts.  In fact, male abuse victims suffer an additional embarrassment; because of society’s stereotypes about “real men,” they may be ridiculed or their claims refuted if they do try to report.

What are the warning signs of abuse?

The Take Care website (www.takecareonline.org) offers this comprehensive list of 16 specific warning signs to watch for within a dating relationship or marriage; I have elaborated on their initial indicators to provide clarity and specific examples for Christians.  The first nine are as follows:

1. He/she tries to isolate you from friends and family
The reason behind this is that your friends and family are more objective sources…and because they want the best for you, they will likely warn you when they see signs of abuse.  Not only might they report domestic violence to the authorities, but also they are likely to support you and facilitate strength; the stronger and more secure you feel, the less you’re going to stand for abusive behavior.

2. He/she does not want you to spend time with anybody else
3. He/she gets mad when you talk to other people
Similar to the above, the less opportunity for outside input, the more an abusive partner can control you.  When you are not around others, there is a slimmer chance that you’ll confide his bad behavior or that others will succeed in setting you straight about what’s really going on.

4. He/she hits, punches, kicks, or shoves you or threatens to hurt you in any way
This one is a bit more obvious and usually more late-stage (i.e. often an abusive partner will start with some of the more emotional tactics; the more they see they can get away with, the more they feel free to progress to physicality).  This should not be seen as a warning sign of what’s to come…this is the final stop: when you strategize a safe exit from the relationship.

5. He/she is extremely jealous
The abusive partner is generally severely insecure, which is one of the reasons they resort to fear tactics to keep you with them: They don’t feel they possess the positive qualities necessary for you to remain in the relationship, so scaring you into staying seems their only option.  Out of this insecurity comes the jealousy that is often experienced in volatile couplings.

6. He/she is possessive—treats you like a belonging and doesn’t want you to share your time with other people
Like the above signs, the person doesn’t want outside influence.  But also, the possessiveness is intended to show you who is boss (people have opinions; possessions don’t).  It subtly breaks down your self-confidence: The more you let yourself be treated like a mere possession, the worse you feel about yourself…and the more you’ll let him or her treat you however they want.  Thus, the pattern progresses.

7. He/she is controlling and insists that you call to “check in” or ask permission to do things
8. He/she tries to control what you wear, what you do, and how you act
Yet another tactic to tear down your self-esteem, isolate you, and gain control.  It’s a well-known psychological principle that people are uncomfortable when their actions and beliefs are not in alignment.  For example, at first you may not feel it’s right that you need permission to do everyday things or dress a certain way; but in an effort to avoid unleashing the unpleasant side of your partner, you start to go along with it periodically.  Now, however, your beliefs say one thing, yet your actions say another…and this is uncomfortable.  So what do you do?  You subconsciously start adjusting your beliefs to fit your actions.  Soon, you start telling yourself, “Well, it’s not really wrong to have to check in or dress how he wants—it means he loves me.”

9. He/she is emotionally abusive: He/she puts you down, calls you names, and/or tells you that you are nothing without him/her
The purpose here is to break you down.  Because once the person has worn down your self-esteem and stolen your strength, they’ve got you.  You don’t feel good about yourself, so you fear no one else will want you.

Finding a positive in publicized incidents

Regardless of the exact details, the recently publicized abuse allegations regarding Rihanna and boyfriend Chris Brown are disturbing.  But as Christians, we must try to look for a positive message.  In this case, the public nature of the victim—in addition to her being a talented and respected young role model in the African American community—led to a spotlight being shone on her situation…creating an opportunity for increased awareness.

And the experts agree.  “What’s interesting about Chris Brown and Rihanna is that women are being beat down every day, but because the public is familiar with Rihanna, we care about her [plight],” Bunch points out.  “The positive thing about such a horrible situation like this is that there it is helping promote more public dialogue about men who batter women.”

Stay tuned for signs 10-16 in “Keeping Yourself Safe Part II: Recognizing the Warning Signs of Abuse (Even within Christian Couples!)”  Coming soon!

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE, or call 911 if there is immediate danger.

“I believe that this is a great site. However, due to the fact that I have already met a complete ‘nut,’ I will probably no longer use it. It was my first site and will likely be my last. It’s so unfortunate that such a brilliant idea (bringing Christian singles together) has is being tainted by satan’s little helpers. I got an ‘I love you’ after 3 emails…After praying about even communicating with him via email, God instructed me to google his screen name and he is everywhere!!! He is on every site there is…this guy is really crazy!”

Unfortunately, the passage above was written by a wonderful woman whose confidence in Internet dating was crushed by the bad behavior of an online fraud. And while I would like to say that he is the only one of his kind, this would be untrue. “Fake profiles”—as they are generally referred to—are everywhere, but they represent a small percentage of the population. And the problem is if you let the fact that some people will present themselves fraudulently deter you from using online dating and friendship sites, you are missing out on an opportunity to meet the many more singles who are honest…and honestly looking to meet someone.

Online fakes and frauds: Why?

Asking why people post fake profiles or pretend to be someone else is like asking why people lie or cheat on their taxes. People are not perfect, and there will always be some dishonest among us. Maybe some present themselves untruthfully because of benign reasons, like they feel if they are honest, no one will want them. Others have more malevolent motives like scamming singles for money. While some are just mean-spirited in that they derive pleasure from manipulating the emotions of those they meet in cyberspace.

The point is it doesn’t matter why they display deceit. We need to remember that this is nothing new; it’s part of life…and we’re the ones letting them deter us from taking advantage of something that has helped a lot of singles find someone special. So we’re the ones who should stop giving them the right to ruin our chances for love!

Fakes and frauds: Where are they?

The interesting thing about Internet dating is that when we get duped into falling for a fake, we immediately blame the medium: “You can’t trust people you meet online!” we proclaim, forgetting that neither can you immediately trust those you meet at work, at the market, or even at church.

Because if you think about it, dishonest people exist everywhere…on every website and in every business. Now I’m not saying this to be pessimistic. I’m simply pointing it out to demonstrate how narrow we’re being when we forgo dating sites because of disingenuous people, when they exist in every arena.

But why contaminate Christian sites?

My answer to this is, first and foremost, because they are everywhere, so faith-based sites would be no exception. My second response is that, for the evil-intentioned among them, Christian sites are seen as fertile feeding ground for people who are kind, giving, and likely to want to see the good in others. Unfortunately, to scammers and con artists, this equals easy prey. But does this mean you should stop allowing yourself the opportunity to meet likeminded Believers? Heck no! But how should you handle it?

Defeating deceit as a Believer

Instead of giving up on Christian dating sites, there are better ways to handle the few fakes who infiltrate the system…and all of these strategies include not letting them get the best of you.

See the signs

I discussed this in a previous article (see “How to Handle Claims of Hardship: Keeping Your Heart and Your Wallet Safe from Scams,” October 2008), but the number-one way to protect yourself is to keep your eyes open for the warning signs of a dishonest dater. Some of these indicators are as follows:

· Professing love and devotion too soon

·
an>Seeming too good to be true

· Trying to make you feel bad for being cautious

· Asking you for monetary or other help

· Telling a sob story (remember, real daters keep hardship stories to themselves, so they’ll look more desirable)

· Promising you expensive gifts

· Living too far away to meet in person

· Avoiding phone contact or in-person meetings

· Giving up very little information about themselves (i.e. focusing most of the e-mails on their strong feelings for you, even though you’ve never met)

Utilize search engines

Go ahead and Google! For example, the woman quoted above was wise enough to search the name and profile of the suspicious single, and she got tons of telling information. You’ve got the Internet at your disposal; there’s every reason to use it to protect yourself from falling prey.

Don’t let hopes get out of hand

It’s hard, but try to stay grounded and maintain a healthy suspicion. When someone comes on strong with the admiration, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy of finally finding someone. While it’s fine to feel excitement, don’t dive in full force with your emotions until things have moved to in-person dating. Not only will this prevent you from getting hurt, but online scammers can sense desperation; if you seem to have your head together, they’ll move on to an easier target.

Let your gut guide you

Listen to your instincts. If you sense someone is not for real, they probably aren’t. In almost every instance where someone gets duped, they say they sensed something was off, but they didn’t want to believe it. Like in the example above, God guided the woman to Google the man…and the truth came out. Had she ignored her inner voice, who knows what might have happened.

Learn your lessons

Meeting someone dishonest can actually be a blessing in disguise: The fact that fakers exist forces you to sharpen your skills at spotting them. It forces you to get honest with yourself about rationalizing that it’s not normal to tell someone “I love you” after three e-mails. And it forces you to face facts, like maybe you are putting too much importance on finding someone that you will “overlook” neon signs telling you to cut contact…or make excuses for someone who claims to be a Christian, but doesn’t act accordingly. In other words, it forces you to look at your own behavior and make a positive adjustment…something we could all use from time to time. So take from them the lesson, and move on stronger and smarter.

The final word

The most important thing to remember is that there is nothing shocking or new about the existence of liars online. People lie in every aspect of life…to expect online dating sites to be some sort of utopia is ridiculous! And to pass up the incredible opportunity to take advantage of them because of a few bad apples is like giving up on eating because sometimes people get food poisoning.

Furthermore, what these “satan’s little helpers” want is to bring you down, crush your confidence, and diminish your joy. They are miserable, so they want everyone else to be. This makes it all the more important that we stop them short!

Unfortunately, this compassion can also make us easy targets for scam artists looking to profit from our kind character; the anonymous nature of the Internet makes all online sites potential places to prowl for prey.

When looking for love becomes looking like a free handout

Jackie is a 43-year-old single parent of two who recently met a man we’ll call Derek in a Christian singles’ chatroom (not on FaithMate, but a Christian site nonetheless). Their conversations quickly moved from the chatroom to their personal e-mails, where Derek piled on the charm. He talked about his love of children (even though he had none of his own), described his ideal woman as a virtual duplicate of the photo Jackie had sent of herself, and detailed his successful career in banking, a career which, he claimed, had earned him a huge house complete with two sports cars in the driveway.

However, after about two weeks of continuous e-mailing, Derek switched gears. He wrote how he had been embarrassed to admit it, but he had actually been laid off from his firm three months prior and that he was now in danger of losing his house…a house, in which he had mused, he could imagine himself, Jackie, and her kids “making a life together.” As you can guess, after responding with a few sympathetic e-mails, Jackie found herself face to face with a request for money…$3,000 to be exact, to help him pay the mortgage on the house he could one day see them sharing.

And while people posting false profiles in an effort to extort money from well-meaning Christians is not a daily occurrence, even one story of someone being taken is one too many. Because anyone who has been scammed by a sob story, only to have their trust taken along with their hard-earned money, will tell you that it takes awhile to regain the guts to get back out there. Not to mention it’s nearly impossible to reclaim the cash.

Christians as targets

While I mentioned that these claims of hardship exist on any and every website out there, the truth is that Christian sites may bear a bit more of the brunt. Why? The reason is twofold. First of all, as I mentioned above, generous, compassionate people make perfect targets. Scammers know that we try to live our lives in accordance with the principles of charity and community service; so they figure we’ll be more open to opening our wallets at the first sign of someone who’s struggling.

Secondly, these scam artists know that people on a dating site are looking for love…they know what we are looking for, so they know what to say to give us hope of finding it. Once they have positioned themselves as our potential Perfect Man or Woman, they feel we’ll want to believe we’ve found someone special…if that perfect person needs a little help in the short term, so be it. They are counting on us so deeply desiring this connection that we will overlook our usual intelligence and common sense.

What they aren’t counting on, however, is us arming ourselves with knowledge. The more we know about what these scammers look like and how to handle them, the less they are able to work their way into our hearts and consequently into our bank accounts.

What’s the secret to not getting scammed?

Let me be clear: I am absolutely not advising against using Internet dating sites or any of the millions of other meeting spaces out there! Online dating and networking sites provide many benefits, not the least of which is to help us connect with compatible Christian singles, those who are truly looking for likeminded love. Instead, my goal is to make all men and women aware of how these criminals come across, the early signs of a scammer, and how we can avoid getting sucked in to start with, by following some simple tips:

Don’t appear desperate
Someone looking to scam is hoping to hear a sense of desperation on the part of an online dater. Because the more desperate you seem to find a mate, the less they think you’ll be willing to let common sense cloud your romantic fantasy. Expressing a sense of exasperation with statements like, “Every man I meet seems to be a dud; I’m just looking to finally find one good guy,” tells potential con artists that you are frustrated…and may be willing to do whatever it takes to make love happen.

Keep finances confidential
Especially if you are doing well or have some money saved up, don’t divulge this information to people you meet online. First of all, it’s none of their business. Secondly, it sets you up as a perfect target to take advantage of. And if anyone does ask, that should be seen as a bright red flag, a certain reason to retreat from further conversations.

Take heed of too good to be true
The man in Jackie’s story is a perfect example of someone who should have raised a red flag. First of all, laying on the charm too thick is often a sign of a scammer. If you hear things like, “I’ve been waiting for a woman like you my whole life,” or other statements that say he/she has been looking for someone exactly like you, this is cause for concern. Not that you don’t have it going on…it’s just that most people don’t get so smitten with a virtual stranger.

Another huge sign is someone who talks long term when the two of you haven’t even met; in Jackie’s case, Derek was mentioning moving her and her kids into his home, before even one in-person encounter. And finally, someone who speaks of how much money, how many cars, and how big a house they have is someone to be scared of: Those who are really rich don’t want others online to know what they’ve got for fear of being targeted (see the point above) or sought out only for their security. And if he or she suggests that—with just a little help now—you can share in the spoils of their wealth once they’re back on their feet, don’t even consider not cutting communication immediately!

Beware of pushes for personal e-mail or phone number
As mentioned in Ayesha’s Blog, scammers know that websites’ internal e-mail systems are easily tracked; so if someone is trying to take you for money then disappear, they are not going to want the conversations asking for cash to be traced. Therefore, the first thing they’ll often do is push you to communicate via an outside account. Don’t fall for this! If you think about it, there is no legitimate reason for not relying on a site’s internal account until you really get to know someone. Simply tell him or her that you are more comfortable not providing personal information yet…anyone who doesn’t agree is someone to be suspicious of.

Stay skeptical of the sob story
It’s important that you keep your scam-artist-radar activated. While it’s normal for people to slowly share details of life’s hardships, people who aren’t looking for money do not immediately bring up their trouble with the law or decades of debt accumulation. In fact, if they are really looking for love, they’ll want to keep that stuff stashed away in order to make a good impression. But when they’re only looking for a handout, it’s certain to come up sooner.

Don’t pass the target test
Scammers don’t usually ask for money immediately; instead, they build rapport, try to get your hopes up, and administer tests to determine how likely you are to comply with their requests for cash. One way they do this is by speaking of their hardship—first without asking for help—to see how sympathetic you are to the situation. So while I’m not saying to abandon your Christian compassion completely, I am suggesting that you do not respond too sympathetically either. Responding with a brief, “I’m sorry for your situation, and I will pray for you,” then changing the subject, lets the person know you are caring, but not considering involving yourself in their troubles. Again, an honest dater will not harp on their hardships…and a scammer will see you aren’t going to take the bait; they’ll momentarily move on to a more certain mark.

Move on at the first mention of money
No matter how wonderful he or she seems, if you ever receive a request for money from someone you have not been dating seriously, in-person, for a significant amount of time, you need to run then report. Remember, there is no case-by-case basis when it comes to cons: Regardless of the situation, DO NOT SEND SOMEONE MONEY! Period.

To sum things up, if you are wondering what happened with Jackie, there is some (semi) good news: Even though she was seriously considering sending her “Mr. Perfect” money, after consulting with family and members of her church, she was talked into holding off. Once she denied Derek’s request, she never heard from him again.

So in short, the important thing to remember is that the majority of people on dating sites are looking for actual dates…and Christian sites can be a wonderful way to meet spiritual singles. But, you must always keep your eyes open for signs of a scammer. If you take heed of the tips above—and are not afraid to cut communication at the first sign of someone asking for a handout—you can enjoy social sites for their intended purpose.

To report fraud or requests for money, visit www.stop-scammers.com.

To read Ayesha’s words of wisdom on the subject of scams and fake profiles, visit Ayesha’s Blog.

So while we can identify a scientific explanation for why this happens, if you are looking for a lifelong, Christian companion, you need someone who is comfortable with these lustful feelings being replaced by a deeper bond, one that is more focused on shared faith and experiences and a connection with the person.

Man-hopping: fair-weather flame
Another reason a woman may love fast and leave faster is that she is searching for perfection or the next best thing . . . so when the going gets tough, she gets going. When life has its inevitable down swings—for example, the man loses his job, family issues erupt, or health problems arise—this woman runs off in search of a man under better circumstances. This is a woman to beware of, because this woman has not accepted that life is full of ups and downs, relationships take work and compromise, and every day isn’t perfect (and neither is any person!) Especially if you are looking for your Christian counterpart, you want someone who possesses faith and gratitude: gratitude for what God has given you in the present and faith in God’s plan, believing wholeheartedly that things will get better in the future.

Pushing for premature commitment
While most devoted daters seek the ultimate goal of finding a partner for life, sooner or later, you’ll likely run into a woman who is on the make for marriage . . . NOW. The difference is that for ladies like this, the concept of marriage, kids, or commitment is more important than the person on whom they have set their sights. Usually these are women who are fearful and lack faith in God’s plan that they will be delivered someone special; therefore, they are in a rush to “seal the deal” with the first person who is a willing participant. The issues arise months down the line, when you are already married or heavily involved, and you realize that this person is not really a good match. Since you gave in to commitment before you got to know each other, your lives became intertwined before you saw the incompatibilities. To avoid this scenario, be on the lookout for signs such as these: telling you she loves you after only a few dates, pressuring you to meet her family and vice versa before it feels natural, premature and prevalent mentions of issues like marriage and children, or pushing you to tell her your “intentions” with regard to the relationship before you know how you feel about the person. Above all else, listen to your gut: if you feel pressured or manipulated, move along.

Focused on finding a father
If you are dating a woman who has children from a previous relationship, this is very important to look out for. While it comes from a good place (the woman is usually just trying to give her child/children a stable home), you do not want to be coerced into a relationship that may not be right just so she can find a father to replace her ex. This doesn’t mean that your perfect woman won’t have kids, it just means that you need to make sure to take things slowly, getting to know each other, before getting involved with the children. Similar to the above, the concern is that a woman like this will ignore incompatibilities because she is so fixated on finding a father. Again, by the time you realize you haven’t met your match, you are already in too deep . . . which is neither happy for you nor healthy for her kids.

Fixated on finances
Without being cliché (and with respect to the fact that there are certainly men who are out for a free ride), an honest Christian woman will not be focused on how much money you make or how you choose to spend it. While discussions of one another’s careers and future goals is completely normal, things like asking personal questions about your financial situation, asking for expensive gifts (by which I mean anything that is out of your comfort zone), or pushing you to take her to ultra-pricy places are all signs of bad things to come. Discussions of money are important to have as a relationship progresses—so you can make sure you are on the same page . . . however, upfront inquiries are a give-away of greed.

Men, while these traits certainly do not make up the majority of women, they are nonetheless important things to keep your eyes open for. Part of being a Christian is being honest and upfront, not having ulterior motives. No matter how smart or sexy or seemingly devoted she is, if you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, that’s your gut trying to function as your guide. God blessed us with insightful instincts for a reason, so that we may be guided in the direction to find peace and contentment. If you come across any of these red flags, there is no reason to be nasty; instead, simply wish her well, focus on your faith, and get back on the road to romance.