But nothing happens.  Or maybe a little bit happens, but not nearly as much activity as you’d imagined…or as much as you need if you are to really meet someone through this whole dating site thing.

Generally, what happens next is this: You wait a little longer, ask a friend or two if you’re doing something wrong, and start to become disillusioned that you’ve only received a handful of “smiles” and intermittent interest at best.  Soon, you decide against renewing your membership and proclaim your online dating experience a failure.

However, your foray into finding love online doesn’t have to end with disappointment.  Because there are many members who are getting activity, who are meeting and dating spiritual singles they encounter online.

So what’s the secret to attracting initial interest from available men or women?  It’s actually not a secret at all that there are two primary factors that dictate almost entirely how many inquiries you receive: One is your picture, and the other is your profile.

Today, I will revisit the issue of how to avoid the most prevalent profile pitfalls.  We initially covered this subject in a 2007 guest article: “Three Ways to Construct a Superior Dating Profile.”  Here, the author stressed the importance of avoiding negativity (about anything: online dating, past relationships, or life in general); getting creative (using descriptive language and detail to make your profile stand out from the scores of others); and filtering out people you don’t want to attract (by using descriptions to help narrow your focus, so you get responses from the kind of members you are actually interested in meeting).

However, since your profile is one of only two factors that will determine the number of responses you receive upon joining a site, it deserves a bit more discussion.  While there are many subtle variables involved in creating an effective profile, four more of the most vital are as follows:

Don’t filter too far
While our guest-author’s article recommends narrowing your focus to avoid attracting a slew of people who aren’t what you’re looking for, I’d put a stipulation on this suggestion: Don’t narrow your focus too far that you limit yourself to only a small percentage of the population.

For example, in the previous article, it’s advised to include wording like, “I’m looking for a lighthearted man between the ages of 24 and 29…”  While I love the “lighthearted” part, I think a five-year window is too tiny.  I mean does this person want to weed out a special someone who is 30?  Or would 22 be altogether out of the question?

I’ve actually seen women write things like, “I’m looking for a man who lives within five miles of me…and he must love dancing and shopping.”  Get real.  First of all, how many men love either dancing or shopping, let alone both.  In addition to weeding out worthwhile suitors, an ultra-specific profile says something about the writer.  It says that he or she is going to be hard as heck to make happy…and who wants this?  So stay somewhat specific about what you like and about things that are real dealbreakers, but don’t sound too serious about a bunch of inconsequential issues.

Reel in the religion
I am well aware that, as Christians, we want potential partners to understand the importance of Jesus in our lives.  Therefore, mentioning your faith and dedication in your profile is certainly not a bad thing.  That being said, too much talk of the unparalleled strength of your faith and your dedication to the Lord as number one, the one and only in your life, can be off putting.

If you think about it, someone who reads a profile like this can’t help but wonder: “Where will I fit into this woman’s world?”  And more so, “Is she going to be expecting God-like perfection?”  This might sound strange, but it leaves other daters subconsciously concerned that your commitment is so strong that you don’t really want a worldly love—unless he or she is saint-like in their spirituality.

So definitely mention your commitment to Christianity, but keep it brief.  It is not your obligation to convince suitors of the sheer depth of your devotion.  Furthermore, people are looking for someone who shares their beliefs…they don’t choose a mate because he or she was the most committed Christian they could find.

Avoid urgency and do away with desperation
There is nothing wrong with being honest that you are looking for a serious relationship, eventually leading to marriage and possibly even children.  In fact, you should be honest with regards to the type of connection you seek.  But there is a big difference between checking the “long-term relationship” box and writing things that show a sense of urgency to meet and marry someone as soon as possible.

Certain statements send a very meaningful message: “I’m looking for a father figure for my children,” “I’m 45 and am really ready to finally be married,” or “I’m sick of all the men who want just casual fun…I want something serious.”  These tell other singles that if they contact you, they better be ready for pressure to make things official as soon as possible…regardless of whether you are really right for one another.

Read through opposite-sex eyes
Possibly the most important piece of profile advice is to write—then after, read—your profile through the eyes of someone of the opposite sex.  Too often, people write their profiles with only their wants in mind…forgetting that the purpose of a profile is to peak the interest of others!

So if you are a women, read it after writing as if you were a man who might see things like “must love shopping” and “want a father figure for my kids” as being less than desirable.  Remember that while a man may be a Christian, he is still a mortal man.  While you (and me too) might wish men didn’t have desires and interests that sometimes clash with yours, believing such is being naïve.  Worse yet, it’s not going to get you any dates.

On the other hand, the same applies to men.  For (an extreme) example, will a profile photo of you holding your Hooter’s waitress really lead ladies to think, “I must meet this man!”?  Enough said.  Think of things from the perspective of a potential partner.

The final word

In summary, if you are frustrated with the number of responses you’re not getting, consider improving your profile before throwing in the towel on online dating altogether.  Because there are two things I know to be true: One is that there are a lot of single Christians meeting wonderful people online.  Two is that in order for this to happen, there must be a lot of single Christians online period…this means avoiding pitfalls in your profile is crucial if you are to attract attention in a plentiful pool of people.

Similar singles
I think most people would agree: The most important criterion when choosing a dating site is the degree of similarity between you and the other members. Especially these days, when there has popped up a site for pretty much every section of the single population, you have the chance to join a site with the type of people you are seeking . . . in your case, practicing Christians.

Amount of members
While the nature of the members is important, the number of members is not to be ignored. As I’ve mentioned before, meeting Mr. (or Ms.) Right is in many ways a numbers game: the more possibilities, the more prospects for you. Most sites list the number of active members at any particular time. If you can find a site that boasts over 10,000 members—and caters to Christians—that’s a service to consider.

Price
The average dating site costs about $25 per month—although I have seen them range from $9.99 to nearly $40. My feeling is that, while you certainly don’t want to get ripped off, if you pick a site that is free (or nearly free), there isn’t much of a commitment on the part of the members, and they often don’t take it seriously. Generally speaking, people who are parting with even a few dollars are people who are really interested in a service (in this case meeting someone); if a site is free—or almost free—it draws the people who just haphazardly throw up a picture and profile without much investment. Also important is that you read the fine print: Mostly, make sure that you can discontinue your membership at any time without a penalty. Whichever price range you settle on, the thing to remember is that it is much less expensive to pay twenty-some dollars a month to get to know a bunch of people, than to waste $40-plus apiece on ten first dates, only to determine you have nothing in common!

Browsing for free
Most sites allow this, but you definitely want to choose one where you can look around at the profiles before committing your cash. They can say all they want about the type of people that are on their site, but if they’re being truthful, they should allow you to see for yourself. Along these lines, some sites even let you post a profile for free: This way you can test the waters and wait for responses. If you see someone interesting has contacted you, and you’d like to correspond, then you can go ahead and join.

Privacy protection
An important criterion to assess is the site’s privacy policy. Any good site should state it clearly, and it should include that your information is not shared in any way with outside parties. This is important, not only for your safety, but because you don’t want to join only to find yourself buried in stacks of “singles spam.” Also, the site should have features that include an internal e-mail box and instant messaging capabilities; this way, you can communicate for as long as you’d like without sharing your personal e-mail or contact information. Finally, a “block sender” option is great. This allows you to flag anyone who is continuing communication after you have told them you are not interested—once you hit this button, their messages are automatically returned before they hit your inbox.

Photos & user-friendly features
It’s important to make sure the site is easy to navigate and offers features that help you communicate in a simple and safe manner. Some good ones to look for include the ability to upload multiple photos, participate in forums, and even create a personal blog. Of course they should include the standards such as instant messaging, chat, and e-mail and match alerts (that you can opt into or out of with ease). However, just in case there is confusion . . .

Customer service is key!
With a greater reliance on cyber services, it seems that connecting with a person is becoming increasingly uncommon. When choosing a dating site, I recommend looking for one that offers in-person customer service . . . not just the ability to e-mail someone for help. This is important; I know that I feel more confident if I can voice my concerns, questions, or confusions to a person, with a name, who can walk me through any issues. Sometimes there is a billing error or a glitch in the system (or you just frankly can’t figure out a feature!) If you are paying money for membership, you deserve member service.

Site successes & reviews
A great way to get a feel for a site is to browse their success stories and read their reviews. Not only does this help you hear what members like (or dislike) about the site, but it’s another way to get a feel for the type of people on the site, their interests, and their beliefs. Again, this is an advertising tool for the sites and therefore something that any reputable site will allow access to without paying a penny.

Others’ experiences
In addition to reading what singles on the site are saying, make sure to ask friends and family which online dating services they’ve tried and what have been their experiences. After all, these are the people who are most like you . . . what works for them will likely work for you.

In my opinion, there are many great online dating sites available; it’s just a matter of choosing the one or two that are right for you. While everyone has different features that are important to them, a couple sites that I think rate high on many (if not all) of these criteria are FaithMate.com and Perfectmatch.com. FaithMate.com is a site that is relatively new, but has been exploding in popularity because of the caliber of its members, a good urban/ethnic mix, and some unique features: They have their own matching system as well as a new resource called “Utterance” where respected ministers (like Bishop Noel Jones) give Christian-focused tips on dating, relationships, and marriage. With Perfectmatch, the drawback is that it isn’t a specifically Christian site, however, they have what they call the Duet Total Compatibility System, which is the most extensive personality-matching tool I have seen yet.

The bottom line is that you should do your own research to find the site for you. Hopefully, however, this checklist will serve as a guide through the mounting mass of matchmaking sites.

So go ahead: Stop reading, print this out, and start surfing to find your perfect partner!

Note: If you are interested in reading a really great article about online dating from a Christian perspective—I just came across this post by Bishop Noel Jones, which does an amazing job of addressing the concerns Christians feel about meeting mates online: Click here to read

However, what you post on the site (your profile and picture) is not the entire indicator of how successful you will be with online dating. Your actions and responses once you make contact with a potential date are crucial in determining how many repeat contacts you receive and how many of them progress into real-life romance. Therefore, if you notice that you are receiving initial contacts, e-mails, and other indicators of interest, but that things don’t seem to progress past one or two e-mails, IMs, or maybe a brief phone chat, your behavior (what you write, say, do, or don’t do) is likely sabotaging your success, making you less appealing to the single men you seek. So if you are ready to take an honest assessment of your own contribution to your online outcomes, read closely the following dos and don’ts for extended, relationship-building communication:

DON’T be too eager
While some may disagree, and I’m certainly not condoning game playing, it’s best not to respond immediately to e-mails and phone calls (although IMs are fine, hence the term “instant message”). Once you have been communicating for a bit, and you have developed more of a rapport, then great, go ahead. But for the first few instances, resist the temptation to recklessly reply; even if it’s just waiting an hour, this shows that you have things going on in your life other than waiting at your inbox for potential partners.

DON’T play games either
While I just discouraged responding immediately, I also do not recommend following any random set of “rules” that tell you to wait long blocks of time. As I said, the point here is just not to look (for lack of a better word) desperate—that doesn’t mean you need to wait “three days” between e-mails or phone messages either. Responding a bit later in the same day shows you are open and interested, just not perched at your keypad. And in the event that you do come across a man who is one of these wait-four-days-between-each-contact guys, go ahead and wait forever to return his messages; he’s either a game player, has a packed roster of rotating women, or is so insecure that he lets his buddies dictate his dating behavior.

DON’T bare your soul
I believe that people need to earn the right to be privy to our deepest secrets, feelings, and fears. Furthermore, I know that revealing these things too early is a good way to bring a potential romance to a screeching halt. Opening up about your bad childhood or a previous substance abuse problem via e-mail or a first phone call sends the message that you don’t respect yourself enough to safeguard your soul by waiting until someone earns your trust. Not only does this make you appear psychologically unstable, but he will feel like it’s a cry for help . . . a call he is neither equipped nor interested in answering when it comes from someone he barely knows.

DON’T talk about exes
In addition to intimate issues, another off-limits topic should be past relationships. If asked, it’s fine to answer in broad, truthful terms (i.e. “My last relationship lasted nine months and ended in February), but don’t dish the details, and in particular, don’t put down your past partners or tell terrible tales of the breakup. When you talk too much about past relationships or talk about them in an overly negative (or overly positive) manner, it makes it seem like either a.) you are still bitter or b.) you are still trying to get over him.

DON’T be a complainer
“Constant complaining” is actually cited by men as one of the biggest initial turn-offs. Think about it: Would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is angry, irritated, or in general, dissatisfied with their life? Furthermore, as Christians, we are taught to be grateful for all the wonderful things God has given us. The problem here is that usually people don’t realize how much they are complaining: For instance, maybe his second e-mail catches you in the middle of a bad day at work; remember, your potential date doesn’t know what you are like, for example, when your boss isn’t belittling you. That’s why it’s important to leave your problems behind closed doors . . . at least during initial encounters.

DO keep it light and low-drama
While you don’t have to pretend to be little miss cheerful, keeping a positive tone in early communications is crucial for continued contact. Again, put yourself in his shoes: Early contacts and the first couple dates are the time to vibe each other’s personalities and have fun. You are just trying to tell if you click, and when someone starts bringing out the baggage too early, it’s usually a sign of trouble ahead. Men (and women) like to be around people who are low-drama, have a generally positive outlook on life, and are grateful for God’s gifts. Fear not, if things work out, you’ll have plenty of time later to deal with the dark stuff.

DON’T diss yourself
One of the biggest turn-offs to potential dates is someone who is constantly putting him or herself down. Negative comments about your appearance, accomplishments, or relationship history make it seem like you don’t think you are worthy of a great guy . . . and if you don’t think you deserve love, how can you expect him to think so? To put it bluntly, saying things like “I can’t seem to find anyone” or “My relationships never work out” is like telling a man, “I am pathetic; hopefully you will take pity on me.” Talk about turning someone off! Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying you should brag or take some diva attitude, rather I am suggesting an attitude of contentment with yourself. If this seems absolutely impossible, it might be something you should consider talking about with a professional or your pastor, as it will hinder you in more than just relationships.

DO take a genuine interest in him
As I just said, e-mails and first encounters are not the time to share your secrets or pry into personal details of his life, however, sometimes we get so hung-up with trying to make a good impression that we forget to ask about the other person! Remember, everyone likes to share about themselves and people like others who take a genuine interest in their life. In our world, having someone really listen is so rare . . . but it makes you feel so wonderful. Be that wonderful feeling for a potential partner and it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll stick around.

DON’T focus too much on faith
First of all, I am in no way saying that you should hide your faith—quite to the contrary, in fact. I think it is important to make a man aware of your Christianity and your commitment to Christ right from the onset. However, making your faith the main topic of conversation or talking on and on about your strong beliefs during initial contacts can be intimidating to a person or make them feel like you are going to try to impose your beliefs on them. Even if he is the Christian man you are seeking, he may feel like you are evaluating him and the strength of his beliefs, as if you are looking for a “Perfect Christian,” which is a standard to which no one would feel they measure up. Instead, make your faith known, then move on to other topics; there is a time and place for deep, religious discussions . . . your first phone call is not one of them.

DON’T mention money
This probably goes without saying, however, I will touch on it just the same: Like sex, money is a subject that is inappropriate to discuss until you know someone better. Things like prying into his financial status are quite obviously communication killers, but even seemingly innocent things like mentioning that you are “looking for a better paying job,” “trying to pay off some credit card debt,” or conversely, “have finally hit the six-figure mark” can be misconstrued as either looking for a man for financial stability or looking to appeal to a man because of your spectacular salary. It’s unfortunate that in today’s world people are hypersensitive to this behavior (and a discussion of why will have to wait until another article), but regardless of the reason, it is fact. Better to be aware and keep causal communications free from mentions of money.

While it’s sometimes hard to hear that we are (at least partially) the cause of our own lack of success or happiness, I feel it’s important to know the truth . . . I think most of us would rather be humbled and happy than right and regretful. And besides, most times, we are completely unaware of our own bad-news behaviors or the effect they are having on the way others see us. With online dating, it’s important to keep in mind that potential mates have a very limited amount of information on which to make an assessment of you. While this doesn’t seem right, there is really no other option (there is no way someone can know the REAL YOU via two e-mails and a phone call); the best we can do is accept that this is the way of the Web and do what we can to make our first impressions, well, impressive.