For some, “Don’t mix business with pleasure” is practically a commandment in the Big Book of Dating.  But as a Christian single looking for someone of shared beliefs, our pool of prospects is already more shallow.  Unconditionally eliminating the spot we spend most our waking hours starts to really stack the odds against us.

The dos and don’ts of office romance

My feeling is that we shouldn’t scratch work off our list entirely!  Instead, use this list of dos and don’ts to determine when it’s worth pursuing a potential love interest at work…and how to minimize professional risk as much as possible.

DO peruse your company’s fraternization policy

Some companies have policies which prohibit, or limit, dating between employees.  So while you may not agree with your employer dictating your dating life, if it’s on paper, I’d avoid “fraternization”…or find yourself another job.  Because although there is some debate as to whether these policies are actually enforceable, worst case, you’ll get canned; best case, it simply becomes a big, fat headache.

DO date only those at the same level

Because of sexual harassment lawsuits, dating a superior (or even worse, a supervisor!) is really risky business.  Ditto on dating down if you are in a position of power.  If you are not sure whether it could be seen as inappropriate, ask yourself this: Is the person in any position to help advance my career within the company?  And on the flip side, could getting into my good graces do anything to help theirs?  If you’re admitting in the affirmative to either question, better you scope out those in the “colleague” category.

DON’T do it just for fun

There are millions of men and women in the world with whom you could hang out and have a laugh or a casual romance.  Because dating in the workplace always entails some risk to your professional profile, it’s only worth it when you feel there’s potential for a serious, long-term romance with someone who seems special.  In other words, finding your future husband or wife may well be worth risking your job; but a month-long fling is not worth the hassle of filing for unemployment.

DO be friends first

In line with the last point, the only way you are going to know whether the person is worth the inherent jeopardy to your job is by being friends first.  Once you’ve hung out without flirting or physicality, you’re in a better position to decide whether to proceed.

DON’T overlook maturity and mental stability

While you can never truly tell how someone will act should you split up, there are surefire signs that there will be embarrassing scenes…and probably meetings with HR.  Essentially, when deciding whether to accept that first date, consider the coworker’s level of maturity and mental stability.  For example, the hardworking guy with a reputation for being responsible and keeping calm under pressure is a safer bet than the sexy sister in ad sales who’s cute, but a little crazy.

DO consider how closely you work

In general, the more closely you work with one another, the worse your chances for smooth sailing should things end…and the greater the possibility for problems even if things work out.  Therefore, when deciding whether to date, definitely put emphasis on proximity: People outside your department, in a satellite office, or those you work with, but who aren’t actually employed by your company (i.e. contract employees, freelancers, or vendors) are less dangerous dates, to be certain.

DON’T jeopardize your dream job

As mentioned above, even if you do everything by the book, there is the risk of a messy breakup or damage to your climb up the corporate ladder.  Because of this, the most important message with regards to dating coworkers is not to do it if you’ve been lucky enough to land your dream job…especially if you’ve worked 25 years to get it!

You have to be real.  In any situation, there’s the possibility things could go sour, that the situation could get so bad you’d have to seek work elsewhere.  And assuming that the other person would graciously leave to let you work in peace is just plain stupid.  Therefore, the first question you must ask yourself is this: Would I be devastated if I had to find other employment?  If the answer is yes, stick to dates outside your organization.

The final word

So what if you do decide to date someone you meet at work?  Oddly enough, I suggest taking direction from the don’t-mix-business-with-pleasure people: Keep the romance out of the office!  Flirty looks, playful banter, and socializing should be saved for after hours.

The above was a recent comment from a Faithmate visitor; unfortunately, she’s not alone.  This is a widespread belief that’s hindering Christian singles in their search for love.

What’s behind the belief?

Generally, this idea stems from one of two mindsets: Either people feel they could only possibly meet someone of similar values at church or that it is somehow sinful to go “carousing” other avenues in search of their soul mate.  They feel like looking for a partner takes on some sort of sleazy or impure connotation if done anywhere other than the most sacred of settings.  So they figure they’ll play it safe…by sticking to potential partners found no more than 25 feet from the pulpit.

Changing the belief

One of the best ways to refute a baseless belief is by logical examination.  Of course, in religion, faith trumps logic.  But in this case, when we really consider the concern that it’s sinful to look for love outside the church, we see how silly it sounds.  I mean would God really not bless meeting your beloved in the frozen foods section of your local market?  Does joining a Christian dating site in search of likeminded love mean you’re of loose morals?  Of course not.  And when put in these terms, we can see the absurdity of the idea.

On the other hand, the worry that you won’t meet someone of shared values outside the church is a bit more founded.  When you date within your congregation, you have one big hurdle behind you: You know they are a Believer.  And while this does bring peace of mind and make the selection process simpler, we have to face facts…there’s not always enough singles to choose from.

Increase your chances: Expand your exposure

So what do you do?  You broaden your horizons…while staying true to your heart.  Because Believers—and those who may not share your exact beliefs, but who are respectful and interested in learning—can be found anywhere.  And the men and women you see on Sunday have entire lives outside of the service.  This means spiritual singles (including those who’ve have been a little lax on attendance) work, shop, go to events and parties, and surf online.  So stop limiting yourself; try meeting them there.

Six other places to find the love of your life

If he hasn’t turned up in the pew across the aisle or the closest singles ministry, consider these (perfectly acceptable) alternatives for meeting Mr. or Ms. Right:

Dating websites

Do you consider your Tivo a transgression?  Is your iPhone an offense?  Dating sites are simply this century’s method for meeting a mate.  While it’s tempting to think of them as something less than spiritual, you need to see them for what they are…simply a new technology that’s helping all types of people come together.  Pick a Christian dating site like Faithmate, and you’ve done one better in finding someone who shares your beliefs and values.

The good, old-fashioned setup

Although dating sites have now become the standard, there’s something to be said for the traditional setup.  The trick is taking matters into your own hands.  Friends and family get involved in their own lives and aren’t always attuned to finding you lasting love.  What you need to do is ask: “Know anyone who might be a good match for me?”  Once they’re keeping their eyes open, I’ll bet someone crosses their path.  (Want to know more about matchmaking?  See “Match and Be Matched Part I: Making the Most of the Good, Old-Fashioned Setup.”)

Social get-togethers

My friends who date a lot consider every social invitation a possibility to meet their future partner.  And while I’m not saying you need to become a social butterfly if you’re more of a hang-at-home type, I am advising you consider the crowd before turning down that coworker’s wedding, friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party, or celebration barbeque.  If it seems like a place to gain exposure to new people, it will probably be a worthwhile adventure.  (Remember—even if you don’t meet The One, expanding your social circle only means more chances to eventually come across your intended.)

Out and about

The coffee shop, bookstore, shopping mall, supermarket, dog or kiddie park, health club…dry cleaner, shoe repair, cell phone store (you get the point) can all be sites for love to strike.  And this doesn’t mean being completely preoccupied with meeting someone.  Quite the contrary.  Because should you bump into someone special, believe me, you’ll know.  The key is seizing the opportunity by striking up small talk.

Work (with a couple caveats)

Unless your company has a policy against it, don’t discount work as a place to make a love connection.  That being said, there are some risks and a couple of caveats, like making sure the person is a colleague, neither below nor above you in rank.  (See next week’s posting for specific dos and don’ts of office romance).

Because of this inherent risk, an ever better pool of potentials includes people you meet through work or whom you deal with professionally, but who are not within your actual organization.  Regular customers, vendors, or even those in a different department are people on whom you can get a good read before going out romantically.

Organized groups

If you go online, you can Google almost any interest, along with your city or zip code, and find a group of people who get together.  Single parenting, weight loss, book/movie discussions, charities, political action groups, or those advancing a certain cause will all be filled with singles sharing common interests.  You might also consider joining an athletic team or taking a class (a foreign language or subject that enhances you professionally serves double duty).

The final word

Churchism can be a reason some Christians are not meeting a mate.  While it would be wonderful if we had to look no further than our own congregation, this is often not the reality.  Especially for women—as some churches come close to a 90/10 female-to-male ratio—looking for love in other not-so-wrong places can be the kick your love life needs to get on course.  Still think it’s a sacrilege?  Try telling that to the couple I know who just got engaged…they met (gasp!) in the grocery store…and from the smiles on their faces, neither feels the slightest bit guilty.

• He’ll respect my confidence in calling to make the first move.
• Men are flattered and become more interested when women call to ask them out.
• He’s just waiting for me to call him.
• He’s not calling to ask me out because he’s shy, intimidated, busy with work, busy with family, embarrassed, Christian…(fill in the blank with specific lie).
• If I want something, I need to be woman enough to go after it.
• What’s the harm in calling him?
• We had a great date…he must have gotten busy, so I’ll save him the trouble.
• I don’t want him to forget about me.
• If he likes me, he likes me…calling won’t change that.
• Once he hears my voice, he’ll wonder why he didn’t call sooner.

And my personal favorite (yup, I’ve actually used this on myself in a low moment I’d rather not remember): He must have lost my number.

There are two main situations in which we find ourselves tempted to try to move things along by calling a man: The first is when we are interested in a man, but he has yet to call and ask us out. Maybe we’ve chatted at church or simply scoped him out at school or work—and we may even feel confident that the chemistry is mutual—but the point is that he hasn’t tried to move things to the next level…by asking us out.

On the other hand, maybe we’ve gone out once or twice but haven’t heard from him since (or at least not regularly), so we’re considering calling him to get the ball rolling more steadily. Both of these situations bring up the question of calling…and both lead us to lie to ourselves, rationalizing why we should make the move and call the man.

Telephoning truths

So why isn’t it smart for a woman to do the phoning to secure a first date or speed things up after one or two outings? In order to answer this question, let’s look at what I’ll call the Truths of Telephoning:

There’s something about phoning…
I’ve mentioned in other articles that I feel it’s fine for a woman to let a man know she’s interested, or even go so far as to invite him to spend time together, if she does it in the right way: fun, flirty, and without following up (for more details, see “Making the First Move: Women CAN Avoid a Missed Opportunity and Still Let Men Lead the Way,” September 2008). Because of this, one might wonder: Why, then, am I so against calling? What makes dialing him up so different?

Well, it’s a bit complicated to explain, but suffice to say that calling, in the minds of men especially, is equated with chasing. When you flirt with a man or even casually suggest seeing a movie, it is more of a “putting it out there.” When you actually pick up the phone, it becomes “pursuing”…and as I’ve mentioned time and time again, men like to feel like the man. When you become the pursuer, that means he’s become the prey; and this is a passive position that, quite frankly, is both intimidating and emasculating. The roles are reversed, and this makes him feel weak to your strong. Not a feeling that is going to fuel his attraction for you.

Deep down it’s all about desperation
Okay, so this sounds harsh. Unfortunately it’s also true. When we get to the bottom of the behavior of calling a man, it always boils down to that darn d-word…desperation. Let’s be honest; while we might try to put on like we’re calling because we are just so confident that, well, it just comes naturally, the real reason always stems from a sense of desperation: We are stressing and scared that he’s not into us, so in a desperate attempt to either a. Find out the truth b. Force him into communicating with us or c. Force the relationship to get started or move forward, we are going to take matters into our own hands and chase him down…uh, I mean call him up. If you think men can’t smell this desperation, think again. And once he thinks you’re desperate, you can kiss goodbye his respect.

You know when you’re making another’s move
No matter how many seemingly reasonable rationalizations we make, if we eliminate our fear of not finding a man, we realize the following: Men and women inherently know whose move it is to make. Men know they are supposed to call to get things started. And we know we’re supposed to let them. If he’s not making the move, your making it for him will only, again, make you appear desperate and consequently cause a loss of respect.

Don’t steal his love of the game
Men love sports. They love competition, and they especially love to win. And just because a man is a Christian doesn’t mean he’s somehow immune to this internal male wiring. Sure, his beliefs may cause him to feel guilty about “using” women, lying to them, cheating on them, or treating them with disrespect, but the fact that he loves a chase—and only then the consequent catch—isn’t going to change because he’s a Believer.

Just like football, basketball, or soccer, they don’t call it “the dating game” for nothing. The thing about calling (i.e. chasing) is that when you do it, he feels he’s won before he’s even experienced the thrill of play…and the appreciation of a hard-earned prize. Remember, flirting and expressing interest are putting it out there—in essence, your way of saying with a smile, “Let the games begin!” But when you actually pick up the phone and pursue, you might as well wave your white flag…because you’re sounding the final buzzer before he’s had a chance to suit up. Don’t believe me? Ask any man how much fun he finds a forfeit.

Refuting the rationalizations

So what about the lies listed above? Some of them really do seem like reasons why it might be beneficial, or at least not negative, for women to pick up the phone. However, when we look at the reality behind some of these specific stories, we realize that we are really just looking for a reason to force what’s not meant to be…and lose respect (for ourselves and from him) in the process:

Rationalization: He’ll respect my confidence in calling to make the first move.
Reality: Nope. As explained above, people can see through this charade…everyone—and this means men—can read this as what it is: panic and desperation.

Rationalization: Men are flattered and become more interested when women call to ask them out.
Reality: Well, the first part of this may be true; he might be flattered. It may even cause him to think he’s got it going on. Unfortunately, he’ll use this newfound confidence to ask out someone who presents some sort of a challenge.

Rationalization: He’s just waiting for me to call him.
Reality: Again, men aren’t dumb; they know they’re supposed to call (and they know they must if they are interested). If he doesn’t, it’s because he’s not.

Rationalization: He’s not calling to ask me out because he’s shy, intimidated, busy with work, busy with family, embarrassed, Christian…(fill in the blank with specific lie).
Reality: This is similar to the above: Sure, he may be shy, busy, or out of town. But, again, when a man wants a woman, he goes after her…he finds the guts, time, or working telephone to do it.

Rationalization: If I want something, I need to be woman enough to go after it.
Reality: This one is not so straightforward, because I do feel that we need to go after what we want in life. However, we also need to know when it’s unattainable. That’s why I tell women to flirt, make conversation, and even ask about his plans for the weekend. But if he doesn’t take it from there, it’s not because he didn’t get the hint.

Rationalization: What’s the harm in calling him?
Reality: If this isn’t yet clear, start at the beginning and reread this entire article.

Rationalization: We had a great date…he must have gotten busy, so I’ll save him the trouble.
Reality: Save him the trouble? As if you don’t deserve five minutes of a man’s time (and much, much more). If calling you is too much effort, he’s not that interested…or he’s the laziest person on the planet. Either way, you don’t want him.

Rationalization: I don’t want him to forget about me.
Reality: Let’s think in terms of shopping. If you go into a store and find a handbag that blows you away, a handbag that is completely unlike any other you’ve found before, a handbag that will seemingly put the finishing touch on absolutely every item in your wardrobe, do you just forget about it? Exactly.

Rationalization: If he likes me, he likes me…calling won’t change that.
Reality: Actually, it can. First of all, if he likes you, he’ll call; so have patience. If you call him, it makes him wonder why you are so eager…and contemplate if maybe you weren’t as wonderful as he initially thought.

Rationalization: Once he hears my voice, he’ll wonder why he didn’t call sooner.
Reality: Okay, so what we’re thinking here is that he just doesn’t yet realize how special you are. Looking overly eager, a bit too aggressive, and somewhat desperate is not going to turn the tables in your favor.

Take control, without calling

So right about now you might be wondering if you can possibly retain some sense of control and feel like you are going after what you want…without actually calling or acting aggressive? Thankfully, the answer is yes! As the previously mentioned article explains, there are ways you can show your interest, get a more definitive answer as to whether he’s interested, and even non-aggressively ask him out…just remember, none of these tactics includes calling! And if you do try these tricks for making your interest known, and he still doesn’t pick up his phone, you’ve got to admit it: There’s simply no chance for romance. Luckily, you’ve still got your pride as well as his respect…now move on to a man who will actually appreciate all you have to offer. Because we are all much too special to have to talk someone into realizing it!

On the other hand, however, is something equally important: As a woman, you want to feel “pursued” and “desired” like a lady, and he wants to feel “macho” like a man. By turning the tables and making the first move, you risk throwing off this balance…and this too can have negative consequences.

Traditional roles: They work for a reason

Before I get to my advice on asking out a man, let’s explore the reasons I include caveats when telling women to make the first move. It’s not just that I am old-fashioned. (Okay, I probably am old-fashioned.) However, the real reason is supported by psychological principles: Stated simply, men like to feel like men…and women like to be treated like women. Think about it, part of what attracts us to another is not just who they are, but how they make us feel about ourselves. No matter how tough an exterior we present, and how much we are completely competent, we still like to feel taken care of and protected by our men; we like to feel prized and respected. Because even if we never need protection, it makes us feel loved knowing that our man has got our back, that he could take charge and stand strong if necessary.

On the flip side of the same coin, men derive much of their self-image by feeling capable and masculine. When a man meets a woman who treats him like he’s capable of taking charge and protecting his partner, he feels good about himself; he feels like what he thinks a man—not a boy—should be. And this self-confidence makes him want to spend more time together.

Of course, as with anything, there are exceptions: Sure, I have known couples where the woman is a stronger and more aggressive personality, and the man lets her take charge and call the shots. And for some this works. But if I really get to the root of these rare relationships, I usually find a man with low self-esteem…made even lower through years of having it eroded by his mate’s macho behavior. Meanwhile, this woman who has been able to play aggressor while her partner plays weak-willed, actually ends up reaping what she sows: Eventually, she loses respect for the helpless partner she has, herself, helped create.

Expressing your interest without reversing roles

So as you see, there is a conflict: On one hand, we want to let men be the pursuers; on the other, we don’t want to let a potential partner get away without at least putting ourselves out there. But fear not. I believe we can do both! If you go about asking in a way that lets him take the lead—and make sure to abide by some important pointers—you can still seize an opportunity, and get a realistic read on whether he’s interested.

How exactly is this done? Well, for starters, if you are going to make the move, you have only two (very UNaggressive) options:

1. Indicating you’re available
Okay, so this one isn’t actually asking him out, but rather making your move by expressing interest and availability. Aside from general flirting, smiling, and eye contact, get a bit bolder by inquiring about his plans for the weekend. If they include something you enjoy, say so! An affirmation such as, “Oh, I’ve been dying to see that movie” or “Volunteering is amazing; I’ve been wanting to get involved in something like that too” sends a pretty clear message that you are open for an invitation.

2. Asking, then letting him follow through
For the most accurate indicator of his feelings, do as I suggested in the article on asking out your crush…just casually ask him to hang out or join you in an activity. As I mentioned previously, your request doesn’t have to be formal, and it’s best if it includes something you are both comfortable doing. The key here is that once you ask, if he agrees, you allow him to take things from there. Instead of offering to call him to confirm (as I would advise a man to do), give him your number or e-mail, and tell him to contact you to confirm plans the day before. This way, while you’ve actually asked, he feels like he’s leading the way…escorting you on an outing.

And as I mentioned in the crush article, the dos and don’ts for making a move apply even more for women:

One invitation
While asking once is flattering, asking again becomes embarrassing. As I always say, people know when the ball is in their court. Regardless of his answer, he knows that if he’s interested, he must make the next move.

Don’t be desperate
Especially in the dating game, people can detect desperation. If you are going to ask him out, you must be prepared to handle any outcome…pride intact.

Future follow-ups
In the event that you do go out and you have a good time, remember, it’s his turn to take charge by asking for the next date…and probably the subsequent several.

The bottom line is that both parts are important: Maintaining the traditional role of man as pursuer is an aspect of attraction for men, as they want to feel in charge of the chase (and eventual catch). However, I do hold the opinion that we have far more regrets over things we didn’t go after than those we went for and failed. Not to mention, making an (unaggressive) move on a man is the best way to get an accurate answer as to whether or not he’s interested…thus allowing you to move on if your romantic sentiments are not shared. In fact, if you do it with a heart that’s open to accept any answer—and faith that if your feelings are not returned it’s because your true intended is out there—you really can’t go wrong. If he’s interested, a gentle nudge will be charming; if he’s not, say goodbye to wasted energy and emotions.

I also mention that, even with the chance for lasting love, people are still hesitant to be set up and to set up others. Why? In my opinion, the first reason is that they don’t know the appropriate way to go about it, which I addressed in Part I. The second, even more influential, reason is that both parties are worried about the potential fallout of setting up mutual friends…What if they actually hit it off? What if they don’t?!?

In Part II, I will do my best to ease this apprehension by shedding light on how to handle both scenarios, both as the matcher and the one being matched. Hopefully, you’ll see that it’s not so scary if you simply know how to handle yourself, the newly-formed couple, or your not-so-smitten mutual mates.

How to handle a successful setup…

As the matchmaker
When your mutual friends have met and fallen for one another, you should take a minute to pat yourself on the back for bringing happiness to the lives of the now-lovebirds…then, take another minute to make sure you don’t unwittingly undo the good you’ve done by rocking the boat in the early, fragile stages of their relationship.

It’s important to remember that your friends are going to feel a little self-conscious as they initially come out as a couple…especially around the person or people who introduced them. It’s just human nature and most likely because they know that all eyes are on them waiting and wondering whether they’re going to continue courting. Therefore, as the person who did the matchmaking, your best move is to temporarily distance yourself, giving the couple space to develop as a twosome together, before double-dating or attending group functions. Especially if you are coupled yourself, you’ll want to immediately join them on outings and other coupled affairs. Don’t. This puts too much pressure on the pair to act a certain way or to define their relationship to others before they’ve defined it to themselves. This doesn’t mean doubling is out forever, just that you should let them approach you for group outings, at their own pace.

Another important mandate is to not dig for details or get involved in their business. As I explained in Part I, the couple should not feel obligated to report back to you on the details of their emerging union. Even though you’ll be curious as to how they feel about one another, if their relationship is to succeed, you need to let them develop emotional intimacy…and this means not having you in the middle; once they get comfortable as a couple, they’ll begin to open up. But remember, if things really work out between them, your friendship with both will inevitably change to some degree…and this is a good thing! After all, you wanted to find a soul mate for your single sister (or brother, co-worker, etc.). And part of them finding happiness with a life partner is that their closest confident may no longer be you, but rather the mate with whom you matched them! So make sure you don’t subconsciously sabotage for selfish reasons.

As part of the couple
Everything I said above also applies if you are the person who has been successfully set up. Of course you will be grateful to your pal who did the pairing, and you should thank them for it. But don’t mistake that to mean you owe them access into your new relationship. As I detailed above, take your time to build a bond with your new boy or girlfriend. When you are ready, join the group once again.

How to handle a setup gone sour…

As the matchmaker
So you set up two mutual friends and no sparks flew; while both found the other perfectly polite, and they had congenial conversation, neither one was interested in continuing a courtship. No problem. The issue, however, arises in the rare instance when a matchmaker’s worst worry comes to pass: The pair you thought would fall in love actually disliked one another, argued, or had an otherwise terrible time. Uh oh. Now you’ve gotten the two-sided reports, and you’re worried you’ll be stuck in the middle of an ugly situation.

Don’t stress! Just remember to take the same advice as if your friends had found each other fabulous: DON’T GET INVOLVED. And don’t take sides. When each reports back to you about how horrible they found the other, discourage their trash talk by simply saying nothing. As he or she tells the tale, just keep quiet. They’ll get the message that you are not interested in badmouthing the behavior. Afterwards, respond by simply saying, “I’m so sorry that you guys didn’t hit it off. He (or she) is usually a really great person, which is why I thought you might make a good match. As you know, it’s hard to predict chemistry, and it seems like yours was just off.” Whatever you do, don’t repeat to each the bad things the other has said about them. If either asks what their date said, again, remain diplomatic: “He (or she) basically said the same thing as you, that it just wasn’t a match.”

Regarding future events, don’t let one bad date make you feel like you can’t co-exist with both parties…at the same party. If you are holding an event, of course, invite both friends, and let each know the other will be there. This allows each to decide for themselves whether or not they want to attend. Especially if they are Christians, gently remind them that everyone has good and bad qualities, and that while they had an off encounter, you have faith that they are both mature enough to be pleasant in each other’s company. Also remember that any awkwardness will wear off quickly, especially if they only had one date.

As part of the failed fix-up
If you have been set up on an uncomfortable or unpleasant date, the same advice holds true: Don’t badmouth the date to your friend who tried to make the match. Not only is it immature, but it’s also ungrateful. After all, your friend went out of his or her way, and out on a limb, to help you find love. Even if it didn’t work out, or worst case you found the date disastrous, thank them for their effort and ask them to think of you again in the future.

Most importantly, whether you have tried unsuccessfully to make a match or been set up with someone who wasn’t a fit, don’t let one fix-up failure discourage you from matching others or being open to future fix-ups. Think of it this way: The chances of you being set up (or setting up others) on a really bad date are not that likely. If you’ve already had one, the odds are in your favor that the next will be far better!