Or maybe, ladies, your girlfriend mentioned a fine man she met a few months ago, whom she’s been helping study for his graduate school entrance exam—but whom she’d like to spend time with other than as teacher and student. One night after a tutoring session, the three of you meet for a meal and sparks fly…between you and the gorgeous GRE guy! And while he’s never asked your friend to come to his Saturday softball game (or do anything other than study actually), he asks if you are free for fly balls this weekend.

Sometimes, this “friendly” competition even comes in the form of what I term “calling dibs.” Such as you walk into a room and your (childish) comrade declares, “I’m going after the girl in the green shirt”—as if to say, “She’s mine,” before words are even exchanged between the unknowing beauty and your possessive pal.

While somewhat different, all of these situations raise the same question: Who’s in the wrong…the person who calls dibs on a crush or the person who asks out the object of a friend’s (unreturned) affection?

Well, the short answer is the dib caller…but you know by now that I don’t do “short answers,” so here goes another of my lengthy analyses. I’ll begin by saying that there is no benefit to staking your claim on someone—and the research and many, many conversations I’ve had about the topic support this view.

So why is there no benefit in staking your claim on a crush?

In a nutshell, we have free will. Or in other words, people can’t be commanded to click with one suitor and not another. As we are well aware, romantic chemistry is a complex thing (and, Christian or not, a feeling of more than friendship is crucial to a coupling). Therefore, not only can we not order ourselves to fall for a particular person, but we certainly can’t make someone else’s romantic feelings coincide with a predetermined pact between friends.

But what about the concern that by asking out your friend’s crush, you might be stealing someone’s potential soul mate? The rebuttal to this is simple: There are only two reasons why your friend is not already dating his or her crush—either the crush is not interested, or your amigo has not yet asked for a date; if it’s the former, they are not, and never will be, soul mates, as that requires mutual feelings. If it’s the latter, your friend needs to settle the speculation by asking out his or her crush…and accepting the answer whatever it may be. If it’s a yes, however, we are now talking about a person your pal is dating, which of course means this object of your affections is off limits.

Talking things through

Even though I’m against staking claim to a non-responsive crush, before you ask out a friend’s fantasy-mate, you should practice politeness and respect by giving him or her a heads up and an honest explanation of your feelings.

Basically, sit them down and say something along these lines: “I know you are interested in Jennifer (or John). However, I can’t deny that I am also interested. I get a vibe that my interest might be mutual, and I’d like to see if my instincts are correct and ask her/him out. I’m under the impression that there has never been anything between you two—if there were any sort of a romance, I would absolutely not pursue anything. I value our friendship, which is why I wanted to discuss this with you first. I would really appreciate your input and your blessing. Since we are both adults and understand that Jennifer/John is going to be the one to decide which, if either, of us she/he dates, I hope you don’t see this as any sort of a competition, just two friends both trying to find the one who is their fit.”

Stated like this, there is little room for your friend to forbid you from taking a shot with your mutual crush. However, in the unlikely event that there’s just no getting through, you have three choices:

1. Agree to not pursue the crush, stating their friendship is more important to you than any would-be romance…but you hope they might come to see that each of you will find happiness with the one who is right for you.

2. Tell them you value their opinion, and you truly don’t want to hurt them, but you are going to have to follow your heart—and you hope they will not hold it against you and instead come to see that the person for them is out there.

3. Tell them you think they should take a couple days to think things over and get back to you with their final thoughts.

Hopefully, however, your friend will instead display confidence, acceptance in God’s plan, and a belief in the popular proverb…

If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it never was.
—Unknown

If you find yourself in the role of the unreturned crusher in the situation, I suggest again keeping the following in mind: You cannot dictate who falls for whom. You are an adult, you are a Christian, and you understand that life has a way of working out for the best. And deep down you know that fighting against the flow of life is never fruitful. If you feel the only way you can get a certain guy or girl is by preventing your friend from making a move, he or she is not meant to be yours…for you might be able to bully your buddy into leaving your crush alone, but you can’t stop other singles from stepping in. In other words, just because he or she doesn’t date your friend, doesn’t mean they’re going to date you!

In fact, instead of forbidding your friend to take a shot with a great guy or girl who isn’t going to be yours anyway, why not try to see the situation as an opportunity for growth and heightened compassion, maturity, and faith? Think of how you’ll feel in the end: If you reject your friend’s request to court your crush, you will strain the friendship and have to live with the knowledge that your jealousy may have prevented your friend from finding love. On the other hand, if you give your buddy your blessing, you will bask in the feeling that your selflessness may lead someone you care about to long-term happiness. More importantly, you can use the experience as a chance to deepen your faith that God has your perfect partner waiting; by doing something noble for someone else, you are helping your own heart stay open to receive them.

The exceptions

As with anything, there are a couple exceptions. The first is if there has ever been a romantic interlude between your friend and their crush. The reason is that even one kiss supports the possibility that there might be mutual feelings. And if there is any chance of a connection between your friend and their crush, you want to do the right thing and bow out, at least until their situation plays out.

Secondly, in this discussion, I am assuming that your friend and their crush are not close platonic pals. If, however, the object of your desire is a platonic friend of your friend, you need to address the situation a little differently: You should ask for his or her approval to make your move. The reason for this, however, is NOT because I think you are stealing their opportunity for romance—as I explained above, there is nothing to steal! It is because if things work out, your romance will influence their friendship—in other words, it will be hard for them to remain as close of friends with their crush once you two are a couple (which, incidentally, would actually be in their best interest, but, alas, “pining away for platonic pals” is another topic).

Finally, what I am discussing here is asking out a friend’s crush…not their ex (i.e. someone they have actually had a romance with). Dating a friend’s ex is also a whole other discussion (tackled in “Friends’ Past Flames—Off Limits or in Your Future?” March 2008), with its own set of considerations.

In conclusion, as usual, I am suggesting taking the high road. If you think about it, this situation boils down to the same strategy for a happy and faithful life: The more you try to make the most of the flow of life and the Lord’s plan—instead of struggling against it—the more you’ll find things work out in your favor. When it comes to calling dibs on a crush, remember this…when the right one comes along, you won’t need to force your friends to keep their distance, because neither you nor your intended will be interested in the advances of anyone else!

But once friends or family make their opinions known, we find ourselves torn: How much weight should we give their warnings? Are their concerns cause enough to make us run from the romance…or, could there be other reasons they would like to see us split?

While I will continually repeat that we are—and should be—the one’s calling the shots in our own lives, there are situations when we would be wise to at least evaluate our options based on the opinions of others. The following considerations can be used as a guide to help you decide when to heed the warnings of others…and when it’s perfectly fine to dismiss their doubts:

A consensus of opinion
There is strength in numbers, at least when it comes to a consensus of opinion. If you have one friend who doesn’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend, while everyone else finds him or her fantastic, it is likely that friend has their own issues coming into play. On the other hand, if most of your family and a good percentage of your pals find fault with your flame, their opinions likely have some merit. Think about it: What are the chances that a number of individuals would happen to come to the same incorrect conclusion? Pretty slim to say the least.

The only bad apple
When someone close to you expresses dislike about the person you are dating, it’s helpful to consider how they have felt about your past partners. If, for example, one of your best friends seems to pick out problems with anyone you date, it’s probably fine to dismiss his or her diss. However, if a close companion finds your current flame objectionable, yet has really respected your last two relationships, this might be something worth bearing in mind.

Consider the source
Even as Christians, we cannot automatically assume that friends and family members are always out to protect our best interests. While we may be Christians, we are still humans, and this means we are prone to factoring in our own beliefs and desires when advising others. The point is that those who are close to us, while they may even believe they want what’s best for us, all live within their own realities, which may or may not be objective. Sometimes their intentions are pure—for example, when a mother or father cares so much about their child that they feel no one will ever be good enough; sometimes, on the other hand, they may be acting selfishly, without even realizing it: For example, when a single friend seems to dislike any of your potential boyfriends for fear she will be left alone. Either way, when evaluating another’s opinion of our partner, it is important that we ask ourselves whether or not this person is able to be an objective judge of character. The more objective their opinion, the more we should consider acting upon it.

Real reasons
Finally, pay attention to the reasons your friends or family aren’t thrilled with your current boyfriend or girlfriend. Obviously, a label-conscious girlfriend who doesn’t like your man’s sense of style is a lot different than your sister sensing your guy has a bad temper or overhearing him make insensitive comments about someone’s race or religion. What gets confusing is when your loved ones find faults that lie somewhere between totally unacceptable behavior and minor differences in taste. At that point, you should first evaluate whether or not you feel their opinions are valid (i.e. have you noticed your guy or girl displaying the trait?) Secondly, if you have, you need to decide whether this particular characteristic is a deal breaker for you. A January 2008 article, “The Christian Compatibility Checklist: ‘Going with Your Gut’ Gets Some Help,” can give you some assistance in making your decision; however, you are really the best judge of what you can learn to live with and what will likely tear you apart in the long run.

You are the guide to your own greatest joy

As detailed above, it is always wise to at least listen to the concerns of loved ones before deciding whether they are valid and objective. That being said, you know yourself best, and you are the one who will have to live with your chosen mate. Most importantly, you need to make yourself happy, not simply please other people. How can you know what will make you happy? If you can learn to open yourself up and really listen to your gut, it doesn’t matter what myself, your mother, brother, or best friend has to say. The feeling in the pit of your stomach will tell you whether a person is truly the path to a fulfilling future…or something your heart desires, but something your ultimate happiness does not.

The role of faith

The most clear and concise way I can describe the decision is as follows: Do not leave a relationship to make others happy; do not stay in one due to a fear of being alone. If you notice, both paths to romantic fulfillment involve making your decision from a place of faith: faith that your friends and family will love you enough to accept someone who is truly a kind and suitable mate…faith that if you leave someone who is not, God will deliver you a rightful relationship.

I know that many people would say the “right” thing to do is to unequivocally walk away. However, I personally believe that if both friends are people of faith, there are some factors that should be assessed before coming to your conclusion. And while I do agree that the most important consideration should be sparing your friend’s feelings, I also think that the true happiness of all involved—and the faith of the now-single friend in knowing that God will deliver their perfect partner—should not be ignored.

The following are what I believe to be the three main considerations that will aid you in making a kind and compassionate decision…while not completely passing up your own chance for companionship:

#1 How close is the friend and how serious was the relationship?

There are two significant factors here to take into account. The first is this: How close of a friend is the person whose ex you are considering dating? To me, there is a big difference between dating your best friend’s ex and dating the ex of a girl or guy who you occasionally see socially. The reason has to do with whether or not you will be inflicting feelings of hurt and betrayal. If you share a close bond, your friend will likely feel they are losing an emotional confidant; additionally, no matter what you say, it’s going to seem that you were “planning” your move while they were still together—a rather blatant backstab in anyone’s book.

Secondly, you should consider the degree of seriousness of their previous relationship. Again, it is a lot different to pair up with someone that a friend went on two or three dates with than it is to start seeing someone’s serious ex-boyfriend, fiancée, or husband.

Dating decision:

If it was a serious relationship and a close friend, dating their ex is never going to be okay. If you really believe you must, you will need to live with the knowledge that you have probably caused deep hurt to your soon-to-be-ex friend.

If it was a casual relationship and close friend, ask your friend how they would feel, then abide by their decision. If they say it’s fine, forge ahead. If they ask that you not, you need to honor their decision.

If it was a serious relationship, but the “friend” is only really an acquaintance, be up front and let them know where things are headed with you and the ex. In this case, rather than asking, it is acceptable to just tell them your intentions. They may or may not continue to be your acquaintance, but you’ve done the right thing by being honest.

Finally, if it was a casual relationship and a social acquaintance, as above, give them the courtesy of letting them know the situation. Even if you are not close friends, you know you wouldn’t want to hear it through the gossip grapevine, so treat them with the same respect.

#2 Who ended it?

This may seem petty, but it is really a fairly accurate predictor of how your friend will respond to your dating his or her ex. If your friend was the one who got left, there is a good chance that he or she is still hoping for a reconciliation. If this is the case, put yourself in their position: How would you feel if a friend started dating an ex for whom you still had feelings? On the other hand, if your friend did the dumping, they obviously felt that their ex wasn’t right for them. Unless they ended the relationship for a reason like cheating (in which case, they still may have been heartbroken, but simply felt they HAD to end it), your friend should try to open their heart and allow you the chance of finding happiness with a man/woman who was not right for them, but who may be perfect for you.

Dating decision:

If your friend was heartbroken, definitely don’t proceed! Think Golden Rule and get yourself a different man. If, however, your inclination is that your friend rejected the ex, sit them down for a heart-to-heart and be honest about your feelings. Try to get them to see that while the ex wasn’t in God’s plan for him or her, someone else is on the way…meanwhile, this could be your chance for real romance.

#3 What are your own feelings and intentions?

In making a compassionate decision, it is important that you take time to examine why you are interested in their ex, what are your true feelings, and where you see the relationship heading. The point is that anytime you date a friend or acquaintance’s ex, there is going to be some (even if small) degree of difficulty for the friend. If you see their ex as “someone to have fun with until you meet Mr. Right,” or you think you might be doing it with some underlying ego-based motive, it would be selfish to put anyone through any degree of pain; there are plenty of people out there with whom you can grab a meal or watch a movie. If however, you really feel that the ex could be The One—there seems to be true, mutual feelings and you share similar beliefs and values—this is when it’s worth having a conversation with your comrade.

Dating decision:

Again, first honestly assess your motives and feelings. If you really sense the possibility of a future between you and your friend’s ex, sit the friend down and discuss it. Again, focus on how while this man/woman wasn’t their soul mate, this could lead to a fulfilling future for you.

The bottom line is that, as Christians, we must always consider how our actions are going to affect others. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider the specifics of their situation and ask yourself whether you would be hurt? If you sense that you will cause anything more than a brief sting, it’s best to avoid the ex completely. Remember, God’s plan for your highest degree of happiness wouldn’t include a union that caused significant pain or sorrow to another.

On the other side of the coin, let’s consider for a minute that a friend comes to you with an interest in dating an ex of yours. While, as I’ve explained, any good friend wouldn’t want to embark on a relationship with someone who was a serious part of your life or for whom you still pine. However, if you can find in yourself the deep faith to believe that your special someone is on the way, you might just consider giving this friend your blessing to find out if the one who was wrong for you, might not just be entirely right for them.