But what if you aren’t sure whether you want (or are even emotionally ready) to start dating again?  What if you are not certain you’re at the point to start looking for a partner?  Sometimes, people who have no business being out there come bounding out of one relationship and blast full steam ahead into (usually a series of) others.  The result is they ruin their chances with great gals and guys…and leave a string of confused casualties in their wake.

Below are some surefire signs that you are not ready to get back in the dating game.  Some of these issues require work to make yourself more ready and increase your chances of success.  While, for others, the only real remedy is time.

Signs you’re not ready to look for love

If you’re on the fence about finding love, you can use the following as a test to determine your readiness.  Read the solution suggestions below: They’ll either give you guidelines for getting ready, or advise calling a timeout, so you can enter into your next relationship healed and healthy.

1. You’re fresh out of a serious relationship

Explanation: The longer (and more serious) your last relationship, the more time you’ll need to mend.  And even if you were the one who wanted out, you still need time to grieve the loss of love, and figure out who you are again on your own.

Solution: Time.  But as far as how long you should wait, there is no universal duration.  Instead, you should wait as long as it takes you to “reset.”  This means you have given in to your grief, and set up life again as a single person.  And finally, that you have gotten to the point where you are comfortable being on your own.  In other words, you have rediscovered yourself and what you want, which takes—you guessed it—time.  Because only when you can approach love from a fresh perspective will you be healthy enough to unite with another.

2. You’re (still) angry, suspicious, or cynical

Explanation: If you’re still angry at your ex—or stuck in the stage where every man (or woman) is viewed with skepticism—you’re not going to have much luck finding new love.  Because love involves opening your heart.  And until you are healed enough for that to happen, well…it won’t.

Solution: Time and work.  Yes, the passing of time will give you perspective.  But if a breakup was a serious blow, or one in a string of unsuccessful unions, you might need to talk to a professional to move past your pain and anger.

3. You have no idea what went wrong in your last relationship

Explanation: Even if it’s been two decades since your divorce, it’s crucial you gain some insight into why your last relationship ended.  Because if you don’t know what went wrong, how can you keep it from happening again?

Solution: Work.  It’s tempting to say, “It was him, not me.”  But the truth is, in most cases, a relationship fails because of two parts: Part of the problem was you; and part was whom you picked.  Both are within your control.  So placing blame on what a jerk your last guy was won’t help much with your next man.  Analyzing why you selected someone who treated you as such will.

4. You’re really insecure about your appearance

Explanation: Confidence is sexy.  And no one is drawn to someone who feels frumpy and undesirable.

Solution: Work.  In fact, waiting around to feel better about yourself is completely counterproductive.  So if it’s one aspect of your appearance that’s bringing you down, fix the issue (see “Readying Yourself for Romance Part I: The Physical Preparation”).  If it’s an overall feeling, fix your attitude (see “Christian Singles: Tips for Overcoming Insecurity”).  In either case, there’s nothing sadder than a beautiful woman letting her life go by without love, because she was waiting to lose those last 10 pounds.  Now is the time!  Either fix your flaw or focus on your assets.  Period.

5. You don’t realize your self-worth

Explanation: If you’ve been belittled or put down by a previous partner—or you’ve suffered a string of bad experiences while single—you’re likely to aim too low or settle for someone who doesn’t really do it for you.

Solution: Work.  Should you find yourself thinking things like, “Who would want someone like me?” or, “What do I have to offer?” you have some internal effort ahead of you.  Whether it’s seeing a Christian counselor or making a list of your positive qualities, if you’re going to attract someone worthy of you, you need to consider yourself worthy.

6. You don’t remember how to date

Explanation: Especially if you’re staring at the other side of 50 and you’ve either been married for decades or single for what seems like centuries, you probably feel out of the loop on looking for love.  You may feel like so much has changed that you don’t know where to start…or you worry you’ll make a fool of yourself in today’s dating world.

Solution: That LAST thing you need is more time!  In fact, I suggest you get moving immediately.  Start by reading “Readying Yourself for Romance Part III: Brushing Up on Behavior.” Then, remember this: Most singles your age are in the same boat, and they’re just as fearful and confused as you.  So laugh it off!  Be yourself, and be honest that you’ve been out of the game.  This will break the ice and quite possibly help you bond.

7. You’re on and off with your ex

Explanation: There’s nothing worse than dragging someone new into a game of back-and-forth with the guy/gal you’ve been dating forever.  Because not only is this not nice, it’s downright destructive to your first relationship.

Solution: Time.  If you have held off on dating because you aren’t sure where things will end up with your ex, you need to hold out a little longer.  Explain to your ex that either you must make a serious effort as a couple, or cut the cord for good.  This will let you approach dating with a clean conscience and an open heart.

8. You’re loving your alone time

Explanation: Especially if you are semi-fresh from a long relationship—or finally finding your footing after years spent unhappily alone—the fact that you are reveling in your alone time should tell you something.  This something is that you might need a few months to rediscover yourself and what you want in a mate…which may be very different than what you wanted last time around.

Solution: Time.  In this case, there’s no need to rush or pressure yourself to find a partner.  Because when you’re ready to get back out there, you’ll know: You’ll begin to long for companionship, and you’ll start wishing you had someone to share things with.  This will be your internal signal to start looking again.

The final word

Assessing where you are on your path to finding love will prevent you from jumping in with the wrong partner or hurting an innocent someone because you are really not ready.  Reading the guidelines above should help you put in the work necessary to make sure you are open, healed, and healthy before diving back into dating.

And when you are over your ex and feeling your life would be fuller with a special someone, take action by asking your friends for setups and joining that Christian dating site!

I am a male, 23years old and just graduated from College.  I am still a virgin.  I am physically fit, good looking, six pack and I have a great height, and a very humble personality!  The question is I find it extremely difficult thinking of (dating-courting-marrying) a girl that is not a virgin or has been sexually active, even if she claims she has changed.

What I have personally observed is that many women and men try to experiment all they want while they are in college and high school, and when they are looking for a spouse, they choose to change, or claim that what they did was bad and is in their past.  I see this as cutting your cake and trying to have it too.

What bothers me most is that when I was at that age, I made that painful, tough decision to choose the right part, and I find it extremely difficult for women to blame it on their youth, or claim it was a mistake.

The problem is I really do not want this sexual thing to hinder me from dating someone that I like now, but she was in a relationship with a football player, and he was also not her first.  She now claims she is a Christian and is looking for a good guy.

The question is, I am trying to look beyond this, but I find it extremely difficult because I know the sacrifices I had to make to remain the way I am.  I had many sexual offers in college, and some came out straight up and told me they wanted it.  When I turned them down, they left, and I knew the pain that I had by having them leave.  The problem is, those people who left me were people like her who probably left good men while in college or high school to satisfy their selfish desires, then after college they search for the best.

I want to build a unique and intensely satisfying marriage with my spouse so she would have no reason to distrust or feel insecure about me.  I feel cheated and I also feel that I at least deserve someone with an equal standard.  But the reality is that they are hard to find, and many of them are less attractive (which may be why they have chosen celibacy).  Help, I feel alone and lonely!

In fact, at a time, I was the only one in my bible study that was a virgin and some of them while active in the bible study were sexually active with their girlfriends.  I feel all we hear is that everyone has had a bad past—but what if there are people who really don’t? (I don’t mean to sound conceited), but how about those who decided to take the old rugged cross all the way?  This lack of message for those who have really not had a crazy past creates a desire for me to want to experience sin and immorality so I could feel better, feel equal with everyone, and rid myself of being proud or arrogant against those who are sexually active.

Is my standard too high?  Am I doing wrong by greatly considering virginity as a major factor that will help me to fully trust my spouse?  Because I believe when you marry a woman who is a virgin, I would not need to compete with her “Ex” imaginarily!

I don’t want this thought to hinder me from a healthy relationship with someone, but it seems to be in my way.  Am I sick, or have I been toooooo spiritual?  Please I need help and counseling because I have resentment for those who were sexually active before marriage.

SOUL SOLUTION:

The first issue is that you are taking The Book so literally you are forgetting The Big Picture.  You have spent years using your willpower to adhere to The Word.  And while this does not go unrewarded, you have forgotten the foundation of Christianity: kindness, compassion, and an open heart toward others.  Rather than using your sexual purity to become closer to God, it is taking you toward judgment and a sense of superiority over your fellow man.

In your email, you ask if you are too spiritual.  My answer is of course not.  If the choice to remain a virgin is made out of a commitment to Christ, how can that be wrong?  But while it’s commendable that you’ve followed the commandments of Christianity, it’s now time to focus on what truly makes a person spiritual, a loving heart.

The reason for resentment

At the core of the issue is, as you said, resentment in your heart.  As you explain, you have endured pain and sacrifice to stay pure.  So you are angry with those Christians who went ahead and satisfied “their selfish desires.”  And you don’t believe they are now entitled to “the best” (i.e. you).  Essentially, you see yourself as a prize only deserved by someone who has made the same sacrifice.

Sexual purity…only one piece of the person

Again, I’ll note that your commitment is incredibly admirable.  But it does not make you a perfect person.  And it does not make all others are unworthy.

When it comes to evaluating a potential partner, sexual activity is only one piece of what a woman is made of.  Just as every virgin is not “good” and every other “bad,” you are really selling yourself short in the selection process if this is your primary point on which you assess women.

In the case of the lady you like (or any others you come across in the future), you need to look deeper to determine the kind of person she is; and this includes whether she has made selfless or self-indulgent decisions in other areas: Did she focus on working hard to build a good life?  Did she take care of family and friends when they needed help?  Does she stick to her word?   Is she an honest person?  A good friend?  And most importantly, does she treat others with kindness and respect?

Because, as you mention, there will be a certain group of women who will go through life trying to have their cake and eat it too.  And for them, giving in to their physical desires is representative of the rest of their person.  But there will also be other women who are honest when they say that experimenting was part of an immature period…or that it really felt right to them, and that they stand by their decision.  With these women, when you look at how they lived their lives as a whole, you will find a pattern of primarily positive actions.

As you mention, you have considered virginity, “a major factor that will help me to fully trust my spouse.”  But I don’t feel that virginity and honesty necessarily go hand in hand.  For example, if you didn’t want to date someone who had cheated on a companion, I could see some validity.  But especially if the woman is upfront about why she had sex in the past and how she feels about it, I think linking lying with fornication doesn’t have much base.

Furthermore, worrying that the woman will mentally imagine her ex during sex is a completely unfounded fear.  Not only will a woman who is in love with you not be thinking about her ex much at all—especially in the bedroom—but studies have shown that most women don’t fantasize about other men during sex period!

Why do you want a virgin?

Aside from feeling that a woman who has fornicated does not deserve you, there are two reasons you are likely so set on finding a virgin.  The first is that you are judging a woman entirely by whether she has had sex…and you worry you’ll land “a bad egg” if you risk getting romantic with a sexually active lady.  However, as I explained above, you need to take the entire person into account before making a decision.

The second scenario you may be scared of is that you will always resent the woman you are with.  Unlike the first reason, this is completely plausible…if you don’t do the work required to free yourself from judgment.

Doing away with judgment

To get past the perception of your experiences being unfair, you must change your mindset!  You must remember that abstinence is a personal choice.  No one forced you to turn down sexual advances—as you say, even some brothers in Bible study were having sex.  The point is you made your decision because it felt right to you. Unlike some people who believe premarital sex is sinful but do it anyway, you stuck to your convictions.  So stand by your choice now and let it be a source of pride, rather than a soapbox…or a source of unresolved resentment.

Aside from this, as you suggested, I recommend talking to someone: a Christian counselor, perhaps.  This will help you work through the anger and address the feeling that nobody is good enough.  It will help you see how everyone (yourself included) occasionally makes poor choices in life.  And it will help you get back to the belief that forgiveness is what we strive for as Christians.

The final word

As you seem to understand, searching for a soul mate cannot be done from a place of anger and a feeling of superiority.  You must enter into a partnership as equals, without one judging the other for bygone behaviors.

That being said, if you truly cannot overcome your resentment, it is always your choice to date only virgins.  But I advise against evaluating a life partner on this point alone.  Because if you focus too much on any one aspect of a person, think of what you might not notice in other areas…things that will affect your daily life together far more significantly than whether they’ve had sexual intercourse.

For some, “Don’t mix business with pleasure” is practically a commandment in the Big Book of Dating.  But as a Christian single looking for someone of shared beliefs, our pool of prospects is already more shallow.  Unconditionally eliminating the spot we spend most our waking hours starts to really stack the odds against us.

The dos and don’ts of office romance

My feeling is that we shouldn’t scratch work off our list entirely!  Instead, use this list of dos and don’ts to determine when it’s worth pursuing a potential love interest at work…and how to minimize professional risk as much as possible.

DO peruse your company’s fraternization policy

Some companies have policies which prohibit, or limit, dating between employees.  So while you may not agree with your employer dictating your dating life, if it’s on paper, I’d avoid “fraternization”…or find yourself another job.  Because although there is some debate as to whether these policies are actually enforceable, worst case, you’ll get canned; best case, it simply becomes a big, fat headache.

DO date only those at the same level

Because of sexual harassment lawsuits, dating a superior (or even worse, a supervisor!) is really risky business.  Ditto on dating down if you are in a position of power.  If you are not sure whether it could be seen as inappropriate, ask yourself this: Is the person in any position to help advance my career within the company?  And on the flip side, could getting into my good graces do anything to help theirs?  If you’re admitting in the affirmative to either question, better you scope out those in the “colleague” category.

DON’T do it just for fun

There are millions of men and women in the world with whom you could hang out and have a laugh or a casual romance.  Because dating in the workplace always entails some risk to your professional profile, it’s only worth it when you feel there’s potential for a serious, long-term romance with someone who seems special.  In other words, finding your future husband or wife may well be worth risking your job; but a month-long fling is not worth the hassle of filing for unemployment.

DO be friends first

In line with the last point, the only way you are going to know whether the person is worth the inherent jeopardy to your job is by being friends first.  Once you’ve hung out without flirting or physicality, you’re in a better position to decide whether to proceed.

DON’T overlook maturity and mental stability

While you can never truly tell how someone will act should you split up, there are surefire signs that there will be embarrassing scenes…and probably meetings with HR.  Essentially, when deciding whether to accept that first date, consider the coworker’s level of maturity and mental stability.  For example, the hardworking guy with a reputation for being responsible and keeping calm under pressure is a safer bet than the sexy sister in ad sales who’s cute, but a little crazy.

DO consider how closely you work

In general, the more closely you work with one another, the worse your chances for smooth sailing should things end…and the greater the possibility for problems even if things work out.  Therefore, when deciding whether to date, definitely put emphasis on proximity: People outside your department, in a satellite office, or those you work with, but who aren’t actually employed by your company (i.e. contract employees, freelancers, or vendors) are less dangerous dates, to be certain.

DON’T jeopardize your dream job

As mentioned above, even if you do everything by the book, there is the risk of a messy breakup or damage to your climb up the corporate ladder.  Because of this, the most important message with regards to dating coworkers is not to do it if you’ve been lucky enough to land your dream job…especially if you’ve worked 25 years to get it!

You have to be real.  In any situation, there’s the possibility things could go sour, that the situation could get so bad you’d have to seek work elsewhere.  And assuming that the other person would graciously leave to let you work in peace is just plain stupid.  Therefore, the first question you must ask yourself is this: Would I be devastated if I had to find other employment?  If the answer is yes, stick to dates outside your organization.

The final word

So what if you do decide to date someone you meet at work?  Oddly enough, I suggest taking direction from the don’t-mix-business-with-pleasure people: Keep the romance out of the office!  Flirty looks, playful banter, and socializing should be saved for after hours.

The above was a recent comment from a Faithmate visitor; unfortunately, she’s not alone.  This is a widespread belief that’s hindering Christian singles in their search for love.

What’s behind the belief?

Generally, this idea stems from one of two mindsets: Either people feel they could only possibly meet someone of similar values at church or that it is somehow sinful to go “carousing” other avenues in search of their soul mate.  They feel like looking for a partner takes on some sort of sleazy or impure connotation if done anywhere other than the most sacred of settings.  So they figure they’ll play it safe…by sticking to potential partners found no more than 25 feet from the pulpit.

Changing the belief

One of the best ways to refute a baseless belief is by logical examination.  Of course, in religion, faith trumps logic.  But in this case, when we really consider the concern that it’s sinful to look for love outside the church, we see how silly it sounds.  I mean would God really not bless meeting your beloved in the frozen foods section of your local market?  Does joining a Christian dating site in search of likeminded love mean you’re of loose morals?  Of course not.  And when put in these terms, we can see the absurdity of the idea.

On the other hand, the worry that you won’t meet someone of shared values outside the church is a bit more founded.  When you date within your congregation, you have one big hurdle behind you: You know they are a Believer.  And while this does bring peace of mind and make the selection process simpler, we have to face facts…there’s not always enough singles to choose from.

Increase your chances: Expand your exposure

So what do you do?  You broaden your horizons…while staying true to your heart.  Because Believers—and those who may not share your exact beliefs, but who are respectful and interested in learning—can be found anywhere.  And the men and women you see on Sunday have entire lives outside of the service.  This means spiritual singles (including those who’ve have been a little lax on attendance) work, shop, go to events and parties, and surf online.  So stop limiting yourself; try meeting them there.

Six other places to find the love of your life

If he hasn’t turned up in the pew across the aisle or the closest singles ministry, consider these (perfectly acceptable) alternatives for meeting Mr. or Ms. Right:

Dating websites

Do you consider your Tivo a transgression?  Is your iPhone an offense?  Dating sites are simply this century’s method for meeting a mate.  While it’s tempting to think of them as something less than spiritual, you need to see them for what they are…simply a new technology that’s helping all types of people come together.  Pick a Christian dating site like Faithmate, and you’ve done one better in finding someone who shares your beliefs and values.

The good, old-fashioned setup

Although dating sites have now become the standard, there’s something to be said for the traditional setup.  The trick is taking matters into your own hands.  Friends and family get involved in their own lives and aren’t always attuned to finding you lasting love.  What you need to do is ask: “Know anyone who might be a good match for me?”  Once they’re keeping their eyes open, I’ll bet someone crosses their path.  (Want to know more about matchmaking?  See “Match and Be Matched Part I: Making the Most of the Good, Old-Fashioned Setup.”)

Social get-togethers

My friends who date a lot consider every social invitation a possibility to meet their future partner.  And while I’m not saying you need to become a social butterfly if you’re more of a hang-at-home type, I am advising you consider the crowd before turning down that coworker’s wedding, friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party, or celebration barbeque.  If it seems like a place to gain exposure to new people, it will probably be a worthwhile adventure.  (Remember—even if you don’t meet The One, expanding your social circle only means more chances to eventually come across your intended.)

Out and about

The coffee shop, bookstore, shopping mall, supermarket, dog or kiddie park, health club…dry cleaner, shoe repair, cell phone store (you get the point) can all be sites for love to strike.  And this doesn’t mean being completely preoccupied with meeting someone.  Quite the contrary.  Because should you bump into someone special, believe me, you’ll know.  The key is seizing the opportunity by striking up small talk.

Work (with a couple caveats)

Unless your company has a policy against it, don’t discount work as a place to make a love connection.  That being said, there are some risks and a couple of caveats, like making sure the person is a colleague, neither below nor above you in rank.  (See next week’s posting for specific dos and don’ts of office romance).

Because of this inherent risk, an ever better pool of potentials includes people you meet through work or whom you deal with professionally, but who are not within your actual organization.  Regular customers, vendors, or even those in a different department are people on whom you can get a good read before going out romantically.

Organized groups

If you go online, you can Google almost any interest, along with your city or zip code, and find a group of people who get together.  Single parenting, weight loss, book/movie discussions, charities, political action groups, or those advancing a certain cause will all be filled with singles sharing common interests.  You might also consider joining an athletic team or taking a class (a foreign language or subject that enhances you professionally serves double duty).

The final word

Churchism can be a reason some Christians are not meeting a mate.  While it would be wonderful if we had to look no further than our own congregation, this is often not the reality.  Especially for women—as some churches come close to a 90/10 female-to-male ratio—looking for love in other not-so-wrong places can be the kick your love life needs to get on course.  Still think it’s a sacrilege?  Try telling that to the couple I know who just got engaged…they met (gasp!) in the grocery store…and from the smiles on their faces, neither feels the slightest bit guilty.

In many articles, I have focused on how we can take meeting a mate into our own hands…at least to some degree.  But the truth is, no matter how much we do to tip the scales toward finding love, we can’t always force fate.  If you are looking to settle down, there will still be some element of what feels like waiting.

What we choose to do while we “wait,” however—and how we choose to view this time in our lives—is another story.  Our actions and attitude will not only impact our own level of life satisfaction, but they’ll affect how attractive we are to others (thereby impacting our ultimate goal of meeting a match).

Let’s call it “living“

I don’t personally like the term “waiting.”  Because waiting, to me, implies inactivity.  It involves doing nothing while enduring the lack of empowerment that comes from leaving life’s direction up to someone (or something) else.  I also believe it is not God’s wish that we remain inactive, passively accepting circumstances which we do not find fulfilling.

I feel God wants us to make the most of the hand we’ve been dealt.  This means making the most of your life while you “wait” (actively, I hope) for the one.  In other words, it means living your life to the fullest—and becoming the best person possible—in preparation to meet your partner or to spend your life satisfied on your own.

Making waiting worthwhile

Those of you who read this column regularly know my high regard for the warm and wise Tuannee Dickson, a periodic consultant on Faithmate articles and director of publicity at Bishop Noel Jones’ City of Refuge in Gardena, California.  A member of the congregation herself, Tuannee is particularly astute about the issues facing the many single men and women involved with the church.

On the issue of what to do while you wait, Tuannee once again shares her insight: “You might be wondering…okay God…what do I do in the meantime?” she ponders.  “Beloved, the answer is to determine in your mind that while God has you all to himself—BE ALL THAT HE HAS PURPOSED YOU TO BE!!”  In other words, she continues, “Concentrate on the second best gift God ever gave you…YOU!”

When I asked her for specific details, she expanded with a personal anecdote.  “As I sit and look at my library of books, they remind me of dreams deferred, ideas I started but never finished because I wanted more to be with h-i-m than H-I-M.”

“What might these ‘dreams deferred’ look like?” I press.  Read below for her specific suggestions, along with my own elaborations:

Expand your education
Being single affords you the peace and quiet to study and pursue your educational goals without the worry of supporting someone else.  Should you find yourself single, take advantage of this chance to expand your knowledge and your future earning potential.  (An added bonus: A school setting is the perfect place to meet singles with shared interests!)

Work your way up the corporate ladder
Working your way to the top requires long hours and personal sacrifice…things that create conflict when you have a family who needs you to function.  If your time to pay dues happens to fall when you’re single, use this to your advantage.  Prove your dedication now, and reap the rewards of a solid reputation when you do have someone waiting at home.

Investigate a business idea or pen that novel
More and more, people are becoming successful by being their own boss.  But, again, starting a new venture—or self-publishing your memoirs—means skimping financially and focusing your energy elsewhere besides home.  If starting a business or writing a book has been your dream, there may be no better time than the present.

Explore exotic locations
Always dreamed of seeing Spain?  Imagined yourself traveling through Italy with no timetable and no set schedule?  Seeing the world is much more difficult if you have to coordinate with a significant other, who may or may not agree on what to see and how to spend money.  That’s why meeting (and dating?) people in foreign lands is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that can be best enjoyed by yourself.

Confirm your commitment to Christ
As Tuannee mentions, being with h-i-m can take the focus off being with H-I-M…and becoming who He has purposed you to be.  And if you’re feeling like you have lost your way, take her advice: “Go back to the beginning…to your purpose.  Go back to when you knew you could do anything as long as God was at the helm.”

The final word

The long and short is that turning “waiting” into an activity is absolutely the way to go.  Reconnecting with God and becoming the most full version of yourself does not have a single drawback.  In fact, it’s a guarantee you’ll make your life richer—and probably more productive and successful as well.  Finally, not only will you be the best possible partner if and when he comes along…you’ll indirectly increase your chances that he does.

Interested in a more humorous take on the benefits of being single?  See “Single and Sad? Stop Suffering and Start Enjoying the Benefits of Being on Your Own,” June 2008.