The second category contains those things that preserve what can be termed a woman’s “feminine mystery.”  While the concept of feminine mystery is somewhat hard to describe, essentially, it means maintaining an air of being a lady and the feminine appeal that he fell in love with—or initially found appealing—even after you have been dating for months…or married for years.

Among other things, it means preserving a bit of mystery, your own unique personality, and your own individual interests, things that don’t necessarily center around him.  It’s that unspoken power and strength that keeps things balanced in a relationship and keeps both partners on their toes (to a healthy degree).

The importance of maintaining feminine mystery

In Marianne’s “Intimacy” podcast, she tells the story of an interviewer who asks a French woman to explain the secret of her decades-long, successful marriage.  The woman’s response: “I never lost my feminine mystery.”

Marianne elaborates on the woman’s reply by discussing what she terms “the dance of the feminine.”  “When a woman retains her feminine, truly stays within her feminine spirit,” she explains, “a man never grows bored.”

I know, we’d like to believe our Christian brothers are different—and hallelujah, some certainly are—but all are human and all have instincts, and it’s pretty much a fact that men get bored with monogamy more than we women.  Of course this isn’t every man, and whether they actually act on an adulterous impulse is a matter of character, commitment, and integrity.  But what I feel, and what Marianne seems to be saying, is this: Let’s not give them reason to look elsewhere in the first place.

Tips for maintaining feminine mystery

As always, my guiding principle is to be yourself.  God made us individuals, and we need never act inauthentic.  But some areas of our feminine wiles seem to go by the wayside once we’ve got our man.  I’m saying that preserving these traits can be powerful.

For those of us who are single, look at it this way: Men use what they’ve got to attract us and make us fall for them.  And we do the same…let’s not give it away once exclusivity (and complacency) enters the equation.

So how can you preserve this mystery?  The following tips are a good place to start:

Don’t say everything
As detailed in the earlier article, sometimes talking too much puts you in an emotionally vulnerable position.  Being honest and being intimate doesn’t mean vocalizing every thought that crosses your consciousness.

Act like the lady you are
Regardless of whether you are all frills and femininity, you are not one of the boys.  A man is not romantically interested in his brothers, so trying to win his heart by being vulgar will only backfire.  And slipping into lax behavior is eventually unappealing.  While it may seem fun to date a woman who belches and throws back beers, behavior like this helps you find your way right to the “friend” category.  In reality, men end up marrying a woman who makes them feel cared for and whose femininity compliments their more crude way of being.

Don’t share everything
Remember, we’re talking about maintaining your feminine mystique.  This means that some secrets should be kept to yourself.  For example, he knows deep down that being as beautiful as you are must take some work…but bantering about your bikini that needs waxing, your underarm freshness, or biweekly mustache bleaching is best kept quiet.  Ditto anything that deals with bathroom or bodily functions.

Maintain your own interests
Part of a woman’s mystery is her interest in activities outside the relationship.  Things he isn’t a part of…and that you don’t ask him to become.  Truth is, there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who is sincerely interested in something.  Whether it’s your congregation, a charity, or your love of reading, make sure that you continue to pursue and partake in that which feeds you.  To a man, this says, “I make my own happiness.”  And this is an incredibly appealing attribute.

Don’t spend every second together
A man is never more interested than when you are off (genuinely) doing something that doesn’t involve him.  In fact, I have seen many a promising relationship fall apart because a woman wants to spend every second together.  As with maintaining your own interests, valuing your alone time—or time with friends and family—tells him you are not relying solely on him for your happiness.  In other words, being occasionally busy is definitely not a bad thing.

Preserve your appearance
Of course, physical appearance is not the core of a Christian relationship.  But it is part of feeling romantic.  Completely letting yourself go once you start getting serious is not only physically unattractive; it says, “I’m not too concerned about pleasing you now that I’ve got the commitment.”  Becoming exclusive should not be seen as an end goal…but rather just the beginning.

Make a daily effort
A friend of mine works from home.  Recently, her husband noticed her applying makeup one morning and said, “Where are you going?”  “Nowhere,” she replied.  “Then why are you putting on makeup?”  Her response?  “Because I want to look nice for you.”  They have been happily married for six years.

Now, obviously, this doesn’t mean a full face of makeup must be applied every morning, or that you can’t look natural.  But putting in five extra minutes of time tells the person you care.  When someone says, “My man is a Christian and loves me for what’s inside.”  I say, of course.  But why make him have to work to continue loving the outside also?

Don’t voice every insecurity
Similar to the first pointer, we all get insecure.  And it’s fine to verbalize this sometimes.  But if you are constantly inquiring about his feelings, it makes you look insecure and creates an unequal distribution of power in the partnership.  More importantly, it makes him wonder why you don’t think you deserve him.  Better to let him wonder how he got so lucky to have you.

The final word

In a world where keeping a man interested seems to mean sharing yourself physically, or opening up sexually in ways that can leave you vulnerable, preserving your feminine mystery is a much better method for maintaining intrigue.  A byproduct is that it builds incredible self-confidence…an area in which most of us could use a little assistance!

Yet while we all want it—and, yes, even men crave it—there are different strategies for achieving it.  Many times, especially during initial dating, things we think are creating closeness are actually impeding intimacy.  In other words, our actions may be sabotaging our chances for finding love.

Saying everything can sabotage intimacy

As Christian women, we value honesty and strive to be upfront in our interactions.  Since we generally don’t like games, we may think that simply saying everything is the alternative.  In fact, we often feel guilty if we so much as think something and don’t share it with our significant other…or even the person we’re casually seeing.

Unfortunately, this may be inhibiting the creation of intimacy.

Marianne Williamson*, bestselling author, inspirational speaker, and host of the “Miracle Thought” podcast on Sirius XM Radio’s Oprah Radio network, speaks eloquently on the topic of creating intimacy.

She explains how we mistakenly believe that in order to establish intimacy, we must share everything.  “We think, in the name of intimacy, I will say everything I’m thinking,” she explains.  However, “There are times when, in order to preserve intimacy, you don’t say everything you’re thinking.”

For me, this wisdom can be summed up by a story about a couple I know.  A friend of mine and her husband were watching television one night, and she was staring off into space in thought.  He noticed and asked the dreaded, “What are you thinking?”  In an effort to be truthful and perpetuate intimacy, she said, “Honestly, I’ve been struggling with my feelings lately because I just don’t feel exactly the same way about you as I used to, and I’m not sure why.”

Uh oh.

To make a long story short, this opened an enormous can of issues and really made the man question whether his wife still loved him and wanted to continue being married.  They struggled for months with their relationship, and the woman eventually sought counseling; during this, she discovered that she was really struggling with worries about getting older and being tied down with children (they were trying to have a baby)…her concerns had actually nothing to do with her love for her husband.

Eventually, they worked through things, but a lesson was learned: In an effort to build intimacy through total honesty, she actually harmed their intimacy.  And it took some time to get it back.

What shouldn’t we say?

The types of thoughts we should save in the name of intimacy tend to come in two varieties: things that will unnecessarily hurt the other person and things we should save in order to maintain some mystery about ourselves as women.

The first type is discussed in the above example.  Some things simply don’t need to be told, as they will only put our partner on the defense, which causes intimacy to shut down.  Or, they represent only a fleeting thought…or say more about our own insecurities and issues than our feelings for the other person.  Had my friend not blurted out what she was thinking before really analyzing whether her feelings for her husband had changed, she could have prevented a major setback in their closeness as a couple.

However, this brings us to another issue: How will we know when something seriously needs to be shared?  Marianne Williamson addresses this as such: “Sometimes the way you find your true, authentic self is that you take certain thoughts and you just place them in the hands of God; and then, if that thought represents something that, in fact, does need to be communicated…it is revealed to you how to communicate that thing in the most loving, compassionate way…”

So what about that second category of save-it statements, things that help maintain our feminine mystery?  And what exactly is even meant by “feminine mystery”?

Stay tuned for the follow-up article on Marianne Williamson’s intimacy advice: “Feminine Mystery: One of the Secrets to a Long, Successful Marriage—and to Turning ‘Dating’ into ‘Relationship’ to Begin with”

*Marianne Williamson is often incorrectly identified as a Christian minister.  In reality, she is nondenominational in her teachings, although she speaks from a perspective that assumes a close relationship with God and supports many traditionally Christian beliefs.

I should note that there are obviously many different scenarios when discussing long-distance dating, including couples who date locally before one is forced to move and more permanent long-distancers like military couples. While these scenarios do share many similarities, I am going to focus on singles who meet online (or through friends) and begin dating long-distance, without initially dating locally.

Tips for doing the long-distance dance…from the cyber-meeting to the move to be together

Don’t delay the first meeting
Once you are e-mailing and speaking daily for a couple of months—and you’ve assessed that both parties feel there is long-term potential—you shouldn’t wait too long before meeting in person. The reason is that you don’t want to fall into a “fantasy relationship.” This is where you cyber-date for months on end, allowing yourself to bask in the bliss of what is often an inaccurate image of what the other person is really like. Instead, once you feel comfortable, plan for a face-to-face weekend so you can assess if there is in-person chemistry and compatibility. (Note: Stay tuned for an article on how exactly to handle The First Visit.)

Agree on ground rules
When a relationship is long distance, it is especially important to create what structure you can. In fact, according to onlinedatingmagazine.com, a study by Dr. Greg Guldner found that “70% of couples in a long distance relationship who did not set rules, or deal with changes, ended up breaking up within six months.”

This means you should come to agreement on issues such as how often you will speak, frequency of visits, a rotation of who will visit whom, how you will handle the costs of the travel, and, most importantly, whether you will date other people. This latter leads me to my next point…

Don’t date other people
It is very hard in any relationship to build intimacy if one or both are dating others. Especially if you are dating long-distance—enduring the hardship of travel and longing—you should be doing it because you have determined this is the person with whom you want to build a relationship (and possibly a future). If you don’t feel interested enough to do such, then save yourself the hassle and stick to singles close to home.

Dial daily
Most couples speak daily as a means of staying involved in one another’s lives…and this is even more crucial for couples who are long distance. Furthermore, with most cellular companies now offering free long-distance calling, there’s no excuse not to connect. So even if you don’t have time for an hour of deep discussion every day, a 15-minute catch-up is crucial, so he or she feels part of your life.

Rely on rituals
Talking daily is great…and if you can devise your own little rituals around it, even better. Whether it’s an eight am wake-up call or phoning to say goodnight before bed, fixed daily routines build intimacy and facilitate trust…in addition to giving each person periodic pick-me-ups they can look forward to.

Don’t skip details
It goes without saying that you should open yourself up to your partner over the phone, letting them in on your struggles and asking for support the way you would with a local love; but it’s also key that you share the more mundane daily details, rather than dismissing them, thinking, “Oh that’s not important enough to explain.”

These details are significant because they tell our partners who we are, and they add up to shape us over time. When you don’t divulge the tiny things that make up your days, you may find that once you get together you feel an unexplainable sense of having grown apart…or not really having gotten to know one another at all.

Connect via virtual dates
Another way to build a bond across miles is by having “virtual dates.” For instance, stay on the phone while watching a TV show or game together; even take a stroll in the park while talking and taking in some sun. And if you aren’t already familiar with Skype, get to know it (www.skype.com): This software allows you to talk via the Internet, free of charge, computer to computer, while watching the other on your screen.

Stick to a visitation schedule
Since spending time in person is the cornerstone of connecting, you need to make out a travel schedule for the first few months…and stick to it! This means no cancelling because you’ve got a friend coming into town or work is hectic. You need to establish upfront that your relationship is your priority. Furthermore, if you leave visits to “when we have time,” you’ll never see one another—or you’ll spend yourself sick trying to buy airline tickets last minute.

Take turns traveling
Think of this as your first chance for compromise. Of course both people want to avoid the hassles of travel and are excited to show their new guy or gal their hometown. However, you don’t want one partner feeling as though they are shouldering the majority of the burden. This usually means alternating who visits whom; although, given individual career constraints, it may mean that one does the traveling slightly more often than the other, and this is fair too.

Be fair about finances
My feeling is that you need to come to an agreement ahead of time as to how you will handle travel expenses, so it’s not awkward every time tickets need to be bought. Usually this means splitting things 50/50; but if one person makes significantly more money, it’s fine to let him or her handle the majority of the expenses. That being said, if you are the one who is being treated to travel, make sure you pitch in periodically. For example, for each trip he (or she) sports the airline tickets, make sure to spring for a thank-you dinner once you are together.

Have faith and adopt an attitude of trust
When dating long distance, you can easily drive yourself crazy with wonder, not to mention send your partner running with constant doubts. That’s why the best way to handle this is to trust the man/woman you are dating and take them at their word…at least until they give you something about which to be suspect. Joe Tracy, Publisher of Online Dating Magazine, agrees: “I live by the philosophy that ‘I will fully trust a person until they give me a reason not to,’” he advises.

Continuously assess compatibility
Remember, in my opinion, long-distance dating should be seen as a precursor to possibly spending your lives together…in the same place! Because of this, you need to make sure you are mentally evaluating similarity of beliefs, interests, and general compatibility. If you sense a red flag, don’t sweep it under the rug because you only have to spend three days together—talk it out and ask yourself whether it’s something you can live with in the long run. In other words, treat the relationship like you would a local one: Date as a means to discover whether or not it’s long-term love.

Make a plan to be together
As I explained in the last article, whether or not someone would be open to moving should have been hypothetically handled at the onset. After a few months, however, it’s time to talk time…as in, “If things are going this well, say, next June, what’s our plan for being together?” Again, long-distance dating differs from local dating in that things must be discussed sooner to avoid wasting energy, emotions, and travel budgets. That being said, once you’ve made the plan, put it aside and enjoy the experience of courting.

Live like normal
Sure, the first few months you visit, you’ll likely be doing the fun, touristy stuff: dinners, outings, and meeting friends and family. However, some people fall into the trap of having every visit be like a vacation; once they move to be together, they realize that when Sundays mean sitting at home with the paper, they don’t enjoy each other’s company as much as when they were always on the go. Therefore, once things progress, try to make visits as much like real life as possible: Don’t take off work, stay in for more dinners, and do attend to daily errands. This will give both people a more realistic sense of what life would be like as a couple.

Extend your time together
In line with the above, you’ll want to extend the length of visits as the relationship moves forward. Suffice it to say that a month of someone staying in your guest room will give you a much better idea of compatibility than three fun-filled days holed up at a hotel.

The bottom line is that you can take a relationship from cyber-dating, to long-distance, and finally, to forever. In fact, if you remember nothing else, remember this: Commit, take it as seriously as you would an in-person courtship, and finally, if you feel you’ve found someone special, do whatever it takes to make long-distance dating become a local, love-filled life together.

If you think about it, it makes sense: With the whole world of singles at the click of a mouse and communication channels like e-mail and IM all but free, it’s more likely than ever for us to form a romantic relationship with someone outside our immediate area. And while some singles stick safely to the “within 25 miles” screen, my feeling is that we shouldn’t limit ourselves. Especially as Christians, who are not looking to settle for anything less than our true, spiritually-centered soul mate, speaking simply in terms of numbers, it’s wise to expand our search to include the possibility of long-distance love.

Long-distance relationships…three statistics support positive potential

According to statistics cited on www.longdistancerelationships.com, “LDRs,” as they affectionately refer to them, are popular and non-promiscuous:

1. Seven million couples in the United States consider their relationship to be long distance (of the 7 million, 2.5 to 3 million are long-distance marriages, whereas between 3 and 4.5 million are dating couples).

2. Some studies suggest that long-distance marriages make up as much as 10-16% of all marriages.

3. Three out of three studies show that couples in long-distance relationships had no greater risk of cheating than those located in close geographical proximity. Their explanation? “It seems that the risk of having an affair is related more to the quality of the relationship between the couple, and the personalities involved, than on mere opportunity.”

Deciding if the relationship is realistic

While I am for considering long-distance romance, that doesn’t mean I am certain it will work in every circumstance. The most important thing is that you evaluate early on whether the pairing has long-term potential. Since you are dating to find your life partner, you don’t want to waste time (and emotions) on a relationship that’s unrealistic.

Consider the following factors to reach a decision…

Is it just for fun?
If possible, before you spend money to make even one visit, try to assess yours and the other’s intentions with regard to the relationship. Although we are Christians and dating is meant to be a means to marriage, in the absence of true love, we still crave companionship and the fun that friendship offers. That being said—and I’ve already discussed the drawbacks of opposite-sex friendships in general—you definitely don’t want to spend money and mental energy to travel for a lighthearted laugh. Aside from the fact that it’s a waste of time to pursue a long-distance relationship that you don’t see as having long-term potential, it almost always gives the other person false hopes; because chances are good that if they’re going to the trouble of traveling to see you, they are interested in something serious. It’s easy enough to find fun and friendships close to home…so leave the long-distance dating for finding your spiritual soul mate.

Might one move?
Once your online communications lead to an in-person meeting, you need to have a candid conversation about whether one might move if things were to work out. While there are certainly permanently long-distance relationships, my feeling is that long-distance dating should be a precursor to the couple eventually sharing space.

As far as bringing this up, unlike in local relationships—where discussions of marriage should be held off on until you’ve been dating awhile—with the long-distance courtship, logistics need to be tackled up front. Because if it’s determined that neither is open to moving, there is no reason to continue communication…as it will only lead to heartbreak and hopelessness down the line.

When you engage in this talk, it should be approached as a far-off possibility. A good way to start is with something like the following: “I know that it is very early on and that neither of us could possibly have come to any conclusions as to whether we might be a long-term fit. However, speaking strictly hypothetically, we should address the issue of whether one of us would be open to relocating—and whether it would be possible career-wise—if things were to progress. Because if there is no chance, we should save ourselves stress by not moving forward.”

Also during this discussion, it is important that you keep an open mind about being the one who might eventually move. Most likely, the person who would be the primary breadwinner and/or whose job is less flexible, would be harder to parlay into an offsite position, or more difficult to replace in a new city would be the one to stay put. Either way, the more you are willing to at least entertain being the one to relocate, the better chance the partnership has of progressing.

Is travel financially feasible?
If you are to engage in long-distance dating, travel will be a necessity, as real romances cannot be built completely in cyberspace. Before going forward, you need to discuss whether one or both parties have the funds to make in-person visits possible.

Are there other obstacles?
The final issue to assess is the presence of additional obstacles that would make settling in the same place impossible. For example, if the person lives in a foreign country, do you speak the language? Would you/he be able to get citizenship? Would there be career options for the one who made the move?

Another issue is children. If one (or both) of you has kids, you need to consider the implications of their schooling, court rulings regarding your ex and visitation, etc. However, with all of these factors, try to keep an open mind; write off the relationship only if you have analyzed the options and can find no fair solution.

A tale of extreme-distance love

If you are one of those folks who wonders whether true love would be worth moving miles away, I have a story for you. While I now know a number of men and women who have met, then moved to start a life together, this story sticks out because of the degree of distance involved.

Shaun is a woman of about 40, who was, until five years ago, single and sad about it. Always one to have a boyfriend, after a broken engagement and a move to New York City, for the first time, Shaun found herself having trouble meeting someone suitable. Whether it was her long hours at work, her higher standards after her last relationship, or her smaller social circle being in a new place, Shaun finally did what any smart single should do…she joined a dating site and asked the few friends she had to set her up.

Immediately, she had one offer from an excited co-worker who wanted her to meet a man we’ll call James. In fact, the co-worker said she had instantly thought of James when she met Shaun, as she sensed they might be one another’s type. She also said she’d have mentioned it sooner, but there was one small stumbling block…James now lived in London!

That being said, she explained that James was due in New York on business; and she suggested to Shaun they might as well meet. But after an ended engagement and her recent move, Shaun declined the date. Her reasoning? She just wanted something simple, and she wouldn’t even consider moving again so soon. Plus, she could just as well meet someone local, right?

Well, Shaun forgot that God doesn’t always work geographically when sending soul mates. And after two months of terrible-to-tolerable first dates, the time came for James’ trip to New York. Feeling frustrated with the singles’ scene, Shaun agreed to a drink with James.

Well, you can guess how this happy tale ends. Shaun now lives in London, and while she admits the move was major and the courtship somewhat costly, she says she wouldn’t trade her life with James no matter what the amount of inconvenience.

In short, my message here is really related to last week’s article (“Reality Check: Are You a First-Date Faultfinder?” October 2008): You shouldn’t be so quick to rule out a potential partner just because distance divides. As Christians, we deserve to be picky, and therefore we can’t say for certain that our true love lives within a 25-mile radius. While I’m not saying that long-distance dating is easy, or that it’s for everyone, you should assess your situation according to the above guidelines and, most importantly, keep an open mind. After all, a lifetime of love and Christian companionship could very well be enjoyed in a new town…or time zone!

*According to data cited at http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/mediacenter/onlinedatingfacts.html.

Stay tuned for tips on how to find happily ever after via long-distance dating: “Long-Distance Dating Part II: How Should You Do It?”

“How’d it go?” I ask expectantly.

“I don’t know,” she hesitates. “He was okay. Actually, he was kind of cute, and even sorta funny.”

“So what was the problem?” I ask, confused.

“Well,” she sighs, “I just can’t get over that fact that his name is Glen.”

And so it goes. I’m not kidding: I hear complaints of shoe color, menacing mustaches, unkempt eyebrows, trousers too tight, drawers too droopy, too trendy, too traditional, bad breath, too much hair, too little hair, and all sorts of relatively minor matters…and it’s not just from the women. Men make mountains out of molehills too: She looked too professional, used too much hairspray, wore too much makeup, sported a short skirt, carried a couple extra pounds, and the list goes on.

And when it comes to behaviors, the instantaneous eliminations continue. People are seemingly willing to write off others for a whole host of actions that are not exactly atrocious.

Why are we first-date faultfinders?

There are a few reasons why we are often too quick to dismiss. The first of these is that this critical inner voice represents the part of our consciousness that is scared, the part that is immediately looking for the negative as a way to protect ourselves from getting emotionally involved…or from getting our hopes up, only to have them dashed once again.

There is also the fact that we all have a mental picture of what our Mr. or Ms. Right looks like. So every time we meet a contender, we compare them, trait for trait, to this ideal; anyone who doesn’t immediately appear a match may be instantaneously written off as wrong. These reasons cause us to tell ourselves things like, “I’ve waited this long for the right man; I’m not taking anything less than perfection,” or, “I’ve had so many bad experiences with women—I’m taking any flaw as reason enough to run!”

Finally, there is the superficial worry of what others will think. Sure, it doesn’t sound very Christian to consider whether your friends will find your new girl fine, but as I always say, we’re all human, and we’re all a work in progress. The first step towards eliminating these artificial apprehensions is to be honest with ourselves about their existence. Once we recognize we are taking these concerns into consideration, we can then examine our true feelings for the man or woman in question.

So should you settle?

Since I always stress that we are all too special to settle for someone who isn’t right, you might be wondering if I am now saying that we should accept someone with whom we are not wholeheartedly happy.

Well, I’m not! What I am talking about here is twofold, and neither fold speaks of staying long-term with someone that’s a settle. Instead, I am, first, advising that we determine which characteristics should be immediate reasons to run; and on the others, that we cut people a little initial slack, getting to know them a bit before determining disinterest. And, secondly, I’m suggesting that we expand our vision of what our perfect picture looks like, that we open our minds to the possibility that our perfect partner might not present in the package we had previously imagined…but that they might be perfect for us nonetheless.

A dealbreaker or second date?

Of course the choice is personal, as we all have certain things we consider dealbreakers; however, if your list is nit-picky and never-ending or includes the following, you might give a second thought to giving him or her a second chance.

Dig deeper if your complaint is…

A physical characteristic
Note that I say “characteristic,” not overall appearance. As I have said before (see “Think You’re ‘Too Christian’ to Care about Chemistry? Think Again,” August 2008), physical attraction is part of the package, for we can’t fully fall for someone with whom there is no chemical connection. So if you feel absolutely no physical pull, better to nix another date. However, if you find yourself thinking, “He could be cute, if not for the bad hair, broken-out skin, or bright pink jacket,” don’t be so quick to dismiss. Things like this are easily changed…if you don’t forget about them entirely by the end of a spectacular second date!

Age
An age gap so significant that those involved are at distinctly different stages of life is certainly a reason to write off a relationship. However, in some cases, a person’s age doesn’t immediately meet our preconceived notion of whom we thought we’d end up with…but when everything else is really right, sometimes it just doesn’t matter.

An excellent example of this involves a woman I know who is now 40. At 37, she was single and watching her window for children continue to close. One evening, she was introduced to a friend of a friend, whom we’ll call Edward. Edward was instantly smitten with her—and while she tried to fight it, the feeling was mutual. Why did she fight her feelings? Well, Edward was 27, and in her opinion, too young to be ready for kids and commitment. For months they dated and grew closer, all while she protested that they were “just having fun”; although Edward explained he had always been an old soul, she simply wouldn’t open her mind to the possibility that her special someone could be 10 years her junior.

Eventually this woman decided she needed to break things off—in order to free herself up to find someone really “right” for her. Luckily, however, Edward was persistent; he saw what she wouldn’t: He was right for her! He just wasn’t the partner she had imagined. Had this woman not altered her vision of her soul mate, she wouldn’t now be happily married and trying to conceive a child!

Occupation
Another of these factors we feel the need to pre-identify is the occupation or income level of our potential partner. Maybe not down to the exact job, but many of us limit ourselves, again, with ultra-specific ideals…if a date doesn’t match our mind’s image, we immediately count them out without giving them a chance. My advice is don’t. A person’s profession—or how much they make—is only one factor, and it certainly doesn’t define them. If you find someone you really love, someone who treats you right and shares your values, you’d be surprised how you are suddenly satisfied with less material matters.

Location
Most of us have heard someone described as “geographically undesirable,” in other words, a person who lives far from us. And while this does pose some inconvenience during the dating stage, I think you are limiting yourself if you find this cause to immediately count them out. Okay, so it might mean you end up living in a city that isn’t your hometown—or even your first choice—but again, when you are in a solid relationship with your soul mate, you’ll find you can build a beautiful life more places than you might have imagined.

Past
We all have a past, previous relationships, and our share of personal problems. Therefore, my opinion is that the fewer blanket restrictions you put on who you will date, the greater your chances for happiness. To say, carte blanche, that you will not date someone who is divorced, has children, or who has had to overcome a personal issue, is discounting a whole lot of compatible Christians.

On the other hand, I’m obviously not saying that dating, say, a single dad or recently divorced woman is for everyone, in every instance. And most importantly, I’m not advising that you overlook the more serious red flags (discussed below); instead, what I am saying is that you should analyze each potential partner individually and make a decision on a case-by-case basis. And just like you would want others to do for you, keep a compassionate, nonjudgmental attitude toward each and every date.

The flip side: red flags

While I have been explaining the importance of keeping an open mind, the other side of the coin is that there are signs that should be cause for cutting further contact…or at least considering it seriously. I refer to these as red flags, and I suggest you familiarize yourself with these more serious signals, to protect your mental health, future happiness, and even your physical safety. (See “Mr. Perfect Did What? Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk,” November 2007 and “MS. Perfect Did What? Men: Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk,” December 2007.)

In short, the essence of this message is that we should all take a long look at whether we are discounting dates for much-too-minor reasons, traits that may be overlooked once we know the person…or that may even become endearing! Remember, people are notoriously nervous on first dates. So what you see may not be exactly what you’ll get—and I mean that in the most wonderful of ways.

Even more importantly, I’m recommending that you remain flexible about what your perfect partner may look like. While I’m certainly not urging you to accept things that are extremely unappealing or push yourself to settle for someone whom you just don’t feel it for, I am advising that if you don’t love what you see, but notice some sense of interest, give it another shot…you might just be surprised!