I am a male, 23years old and just graduated from College.  I am still a virgin.  I am physically fit, good looking, six pack and I have a great height, and a very humble personality!  The question is I find it extremely difficult thinking of (dating-courting-marrying) a girl that is not a virgin or has been sexually active, even if she claims she has changed.

What I have personally observed is that many women and men try to experiment all they want while they are in college and high school, and when they are looking for a spouse, they choose to change, or claim that what they did was bad and is in their past.  I see this as cutting your cake and trying to have it too.

What bothers me most is that when I was at that age, I made that painful, tough decision to choose the right part, and I find it extremely difficult for women to blame it on their youth, or claim it was a mistake.

The problem is I really do not want this sexual thing to hinder me from dating someone that I like now, but she was in a relationship with a football player, and he was also not her first.  She now claims she is a Christian and is looking for a good guy.

The question is, I am trying to look beyond this, but I find it extremely difficult because I know the sacrifices I had to make to remain the way I am.  I had many sexual offers in college, and some came out straight up and told me they wanted it.  When I turned them down, they left, and I knew the pain that I had by having them leave.  The problem is, those people who left me were people like her who probably left good men while in college or high school to satisfy their selfish desires, then after college they search for the best.

I want to build a unique and intensely satisfying marriage with my spouse so she would have no reason to distrust or feel insecure about me.  I feel cheated and I also feel that I at least deserve someone with an equal standard.  But the reality is that they are hard to find, and many of them are less attractive (which may be why they have chosen celibacy).  Help, I feel alone and lonely!

In fact, at a time, I was the only one in my bible study that was a virgin and some of them while active in the bible study were sexually active with their girlfriends.  I feel all we hear is that everyone has had a bad past—but what if there are people who really don’t? (I don’t mean to sound conceited), but how about those who decided to take the old rugged cross all the way?  This lack of message for those who have really not had a crazy past creates a desire for me to want to experience sin and immorality so I could feel better, feel equal with everyone, and rid myself of being proud or arrogant against those who are sexually active.

Is my standard too high?  Am I doing wrong by greatly considering virginity as a major factor that will help me to fully trust my spouse?  Because I believe when you marry a woman who is a virgin, I would not need to compete with her “Ex” imaginarily!

I don’t want this thought to hinder me from a healthy relationship with someone, but it seems to be in my way.  Am I sick, or have I been toooooo spiritual?  Please I need help and counseling because I have resentment for those who were sexually active before marriage.

SOUL SOLUTION:

The first issue is that you are taking The Book so literally you are forgetting The Big Picture.  You have spent years using your willpower to adhere to The Word.  And while this does not go unrewarded, you have forgotten the foundation of Christianity: kindness, compassion, and an open heart toward others.  Rather than using your sexual purity to become closer to God, it is taking you toward judgment and a sense of superiority over your fellow man.

In your email, you ask if you are too spiritual.  My answer is of course not.  If the choice to remain a virgin is made out of a commitment to Christ, how can that be wrong?  But while it’s commendable that you’ve followed the commandments of Christianity, it’s now time to focus on what truly makes a person spiritual, a loving heart.

The reason for resentment

At the core of the issue is, as you said, resentment in your heart.  As you explain, you have endured pain and sacrifice to stay pure.  So you are angry with those Christians who went ahead and satisfied “their selfish desires.”  And you don’t believe they are now entitled to “the best” (i.e. you).  Essentially, you see yourself as a prize only deserved by someone who has made the same sacrifice.

Sexual purity…only one piece of the person

Again, I’ll note that your commitment is incredibly admirable.  But it does not make you a perfect person.  And it does not make all others are unworthy.

When it comes to evaluating a potential partner, sexual activity is only one piece of what a woman is made of.  Just as every virgin is not “good” and every other “bad,” you are really selling yourself short in the selection process if this is your primary point on which you assess women.

In the case of the lady you like (or any others you come across in the future), you need to look deeper to determine the kind of person she is; and this includes whether she has made selfless or self-indulgent decisions in other areas: Did she focus on working hard to build a good life?  Did she take care of family and friends when they needed help?  Does she stick to her word?   Is she an honest person?  A good friend?  And most importantly, does she treat others with kindness and respect?

Because, as you mention, there will be a certain group of women who will go through life trying to have their cake and eat it too.  And for them, giving in to their physical desires is representative of the rest of their person.  But there will also be other women who are honest when they say that experimenting was part of an immature period…or that it really felt right to them, and that they stand by their decision.  With these women, when you look at how they lived their lives as a whole, you will find a pattern of primarily positive actions.

As you mention, you have considered virginity, “a major factor that will help me to fully trust my spouse.”  But I don’t feel that virginity and honesty necessarily go hand in hand.  For example, if you didn’t want to date someone who had cheated on a companion, I could see some validity.  But especially if the woman is upfront about why she had sex in the past and how she feels about it, I think linking lying with fornication doesn’t have much base.

Furthermore, worrying that the woman will mentally imagine her ex during sex is a completely unfounded fear.  Not only will a woman who is in love with you not be thinking about her ex much at all—especially in the bedroom—but studies have shown that most women don’t fantasize about other men during sex period!

Why do you want a virgin?

Aside from feeling that a woman who has fornicated does not deserve you, there are two reasons you are likely so set on finding a virgin.  The first is that you are judging a woman entirely by whether she has had sex…and you worry you’ll land “a bad egg” if you risk getting romantic with a sexually active lady.  However, as I explained above, you need to take the entire person into account before making a decision.

The second scenario you may be scared of is that you will always resent the woman you are with.  Unlike the first reason, this is completely plausible…if you don’t do the work required to free yourself from judgment.

Doing away with judgment

To get past the perception of your experiences being unfair, you must change your mindset!  You must remember that abstinence is a personal choice.  No one forced you to turn down sexual advances—as you say, even some brothers in Bible study were having sex.  The point is you made your decision because it felt right to you. Unlike some people who believe premarital sex is sinful but do it anyway, you stuck to your convictions.  So stand by your choice now and let it be a source of pride, rather than a soapbox…or a source of unresolved resentment.

Aside from this, as you suggested, I recommend talking to someone: a Christian counselor, perhaps.  This will help you work through the anger and address the feeling that nobody is good enough.  It will help you see how everyone (yourself included) occasionally makes poor choices in life.  And it will help you get back to the belief that forgiveness is what we strive for as Christians.

The final word

As you seem to understand, searching for a soul mate cannot be done from a place of anger and a feeling of superiority.  You must enter into a partnership as equals, without one judging the other for bygone behaviors.

That being said, if you truly cannot overcome your resentment, it is always your choice to date only virgins.  But I advise against evaluating a life partner on this point alone.  Because if you focus too much on any one aspect of a person, think of what you might not notice in other areas…things that will affect your daily life together far more significantly than whether they’ve had sexual intercourse.

He wants to share in spirituality
If you are both Christians, it’s a good sign if he wants to pray and/or attend church together, two deep and emotional experiences that feel family-like.  If he’s not a Christian man, he should at least be interested in learning about your beliefs.  Aside from just wanting to understand who you are, if he’s not a Christian, and he’s thinking long term, he’ll likely be trying to work out how your religious beliefs will fit together, especially if children are to be involved.

He allows female friendships to fade
This is an important and often-overlooked indicator (discussed in detail in “Regina Gets Real: Your man constantly chats with female friends—are you wrong in asking him to hang it up?” November 2008).  The fact is in most happily married couples, neither partner retains close friendships with (straight) members of the opposite sex; it’s threatening, it erodes the intimacy of the couple, and it displays disrespect.  After all, there’s no need to have second-string women waiting in the wings when you feel you’ve found the one for life.

He integrates you into his group of male friends
When he imagines you’ll be together long term, he wants to make sure you can coexist with his group of guys.  Because it’s easy when dating a woman to keep her separate from friends; but when marriage is on his mind, he knows the two will have to mix and mingle…and he hopes it will be happily.

He introduces you to family (and wants you to like his mother)
Same as with his friends, if he’s playing for keeps, he envisions years of holidays, visits, and gatherings.  He wants to get his parent’s opinions of you, and see how well you handle them.  Even though many people pick spouses who don’t get along with their families, the fact that he makes introductions and tries to facilitate familial feelings is what lets you know he sees your relationship as serious.  If you are greeted by his clan with comments like, “So you’re Kendra; we’ve heard so much about you!” even better.

He opens up emotionally
A man who wants a future with you won’t just stick to safe and surface, dinner-date-appropriate topics.  He’ll be willing to take the risk of opening up about his beliefs, values, hopes, and dreams.  He’ll do so because, while it’s scary, he knows he must assess similarity on the serious subjects if you are to build a life together.

He doesn’t pressure for premature sex
Of course he may want to.  And he’ll likely even ask.  But the truth is if a man feels you are future material, he doesn’t need the nooky immediately, because he knows it will come eventually.  To the contrary, when a man sees you simply as “fun,” he feels he should actually be having some.

He doesn’t want to date others
While this may seem like a given if you’ve been dating awhile, what’s important is whether he mentions monogamy…or whether he grudgingly gives in after two years, kicking and screaming all the way.  Like quitting smoking and early-morning jogs, monogamy is one of those commitments that is rarely kept if agreed to under duress.

He has a healthy sense of jealousy
Of course it’s a fine line between healthy jealously and being improperly possessive, but a man who feels long-term love does not like the thought of someone else with “his” woman.  So as long as it’s not out of hand, or he doesn’t discourage you from going after your own goals, a man who simply couldn’t care less if the handsome waiter is flirting with you is a man who might not actually, well, care less.

He welcomes you into his life…and his home
When a man feels there is a future, he will slowly involve you in his life: He’ll invite you to family and work events, discuss with you his professional path, and try to involve you in his interests.  He’ll also be comfortable with you chilling at his house.  On the other hand, when a man doesn’t want to get serious, he’ll often try to keep you away from his turf for fear of getting too close or of you discovering that he’s still dating others.

He’s happy to just hang
Seeing each other only on formal-feeling dates and preplanned outings is, ironically, a popular method for keeping things casual.  Therefore, if your guy moves into the more comfortable and intimate “hanging out” (especially at his house), he’s probably planning for a longer union.

He shows some interest in your interests
Okay, so he might not excitedly explain, “The Marc Jacobs sample sale starts in 15 minutes, let’s move!”  However, taking some small interest in your hobbies and passions—i.e. “I want to try that Indian restaurant you like”—is a sure sign he’s thinking long term.  Along the same lines, readily attending events thrown by your family or friends is also telling.  Bonus points if such events require a suit and tie.

He mentions marriage in a positive light
Men who are seeking short-term fun, steer clear of even the word marriage.  And they certainly don’t play up other people’s pairings with statements like, “Rick’s getting married to Sharone; isn’t that great?!”  In fact, if they do mention the “M” word, it’s generally in a negative light (i.e. “Rick’s walking the plank,” “throwing in the towel,” or “taking the plunge of death”).

The final word

The bottom line is that, while you can use these signs as a general guide, the true test is your own intuition.  If you feel in your God-given gut he’s not in it for good, you are probably right.

Usually I find that people can sense when they are on the same page with someone they are dating (usually by off-the-cuff comments made about being a couple, other couples, or commitment); however, sometimes the talk takes an unexpected turn, with one person declining the proposition to become exclusive. If you are on the receiving end of this “rejection,” it not only feels pretty awful, but it leaves you in a position to think, “Now what?” in terms of continuing your courtship: Should you keep dating this person while knowing that they will continue seeing others, or should you move on to find a mate who wants monogamy?

First of all, I will say that this is a very individual decision, and since every relationship is so unique, it would be impossible for me to give a definitive direction as to which way to go. However, general guidelines can be drawn if we consider the reasons that cause someone to reject becoming a couple. So while this list is not 100% inclusive, most of the time, when someone doesn’t want to become exclusive it is for one of four reasons:

1. It is too early in the relationship (i.e. you haven’t known each other long enough or spent enough time together yet).
2. It is too early in their life (in other words, they are too young or lack fundamental experiences).
3. They have “issues” or fears about commitment; in this case, their fears of commitment are stronger than the standard fears that everyone experiences (those that we can pretty easily move past once we find the one).
4. (As so perfectly put in the book of similar name) They are just not that into you.

Once you understand, and most importantly admit to yourself, which of the following best sums up the reason the person you are dating doesn’t want to move forward, it is easier to decide if you should hang in or move on. So let’s take each separately . . .

1. It is too early in the relationship—i.e. you haven’t known each other long enough or spent enough time together
Refer back to my article on dating around for more information on general timelines for becoming exclusive. However, the point here is that you need to honestly assess why you want to move forward. If you are doing it because you are insecure and want to prematurely “push” the person into exclusivity, it is probably too early; hang in a bit longer, really connect, and then revisit having this talk. On the other hand, if it has been at least a month or longer, and you have been spending a lot of time together (i.e. you talk or see one another nearly every day), you have probably gotten to know each other well enough to make the move—therefore, if this is the case, one of the other reasons is probably at the root of their refusal.

Verdict: If you honestly assess that #1 is the reason for the refusal, HANG IN with this relationship a little longer; it will do both of you good to get to know one another better.

2. It is too early in their life—in other words, they are too young or lack fundamental experiences
If the reason the person you are dating doesn’t want to become exclusive is that they feel they are too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or that they haven’t had the opportunity to date other people, this is a reason worth considering. In fact, it is possible they are acting from a very mature place and realizing that if you are in your early 20s or younger, you probably have a lot of learning left to do about yourself before you commit to another. Also, you don’t want to get serious with someone who feels they don’t know what else is out there. Really, one of the best ways we know what we want is by eliminating what we don’t. If your friend has never dated anyone else, they are likely not in a position to fully appreciate you. While there are exceptions, my advice is to let them get a little more experience, so they don’t feel they have missed out in the mating game.

Verdict: If you think it’s #2, either HANG IN and continue to casually date others yourself, or MOVE ON if you are really ready now to get serious.

3. They have “issues” or fears about commitment
While this is most young men, and many young women as well, most people are able to get past their fears when they meet someone with whom they really connect and share similar beliefs and values. However, if your guy or girl is hesitant, there may be a legitimate and temporary reason for their refusal.

If, for example, they have just gotten out of a bad or serious relationship, I would give them at least a year before they are likely going to be ready to give it another go. If this is the case, and you really feel this person is worth the wait, hang in a little longer. If, however, their issues are more deep seeded (i.e. childhood abuse or a particularly nasty parental divorce), you’ve got a real decision to make, as they may never appropriately work through this trauma. If this is the case, I advise paying attention to the things they are saying surrounding the rejection of exclusivity: Are they saying that they realize they have issues and want to work with a trusted pastor or therapist to get over them? Are they asking you to please stick by them while they work toward being ready? Or, are they simply saying, “I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be.” If the latter is the case, you need to move on; they are likely either using this excuse to cover up the real reason (probably that you are not the one), or they are just not willing to work through their fears to keep you. As we all know, you can’t make someone work on themselves if they aren’t ready, and you don’t want to wait around for someone who’s not giving you anything positive to grab onto.

Verdict: If #3 is the cause, and it seems they are temporarily timid, HANG IN a little longer and see if there is progress; if, however, it seems deep seeded issues are present and they aren’t willing to accept or work through their own fears, MOVE ON to save yourself a lot of sadness.

4. They are just not that into you
Oh, this is a hard one, and I will definitely do a whole article on this in the near future. However, for now, I will say this: If none of the other reasons are the root, it is likely that this guy or girl doesn’t want to stop dating others because deep down, they just don’t feel it 100% for you. While the pain of acknowledging this is bad, the pain and remorse you’ll feel after you’ve wasted months or years of your life waiting for someone to love you is much worse.

If this is the case, remember, chemistry is a very funny thing and part of life is realizing that we can’t put reasons on it. Just as you can’t completely explain why you love one and not another, neither can the one who just doesn’t love you. I’ve been there. Everyone I know has been there. It hurts, but remember you are in good company with EVERY OTHER person in the universe! Also, what I have found through faith to be true is that God has a plan. And without a doubt, the reason this person doesn’t want to be exclusive is because there is someone better suited and more perfect for you waiting in the wings. You need to let go, so you are open to this one who will bring you real bliss.

Verdict: While #4 is a hard one to accept, find solace in your faith and MOVE ON.

The bottom line with exclusivity is that you need to decide what’s right for you based on your needs. If you feel you are genuinely ready for an exclusive relationship and you feel you know the person well enough to move forward as a couple, then you have no choice but to walk if they want to continue seeing others. Believe me, if you try to hang in, waiting, hoping, and pushing for exclusivity from someone who either doesn’t feel you are the one or who is genuinely not ready for this type of relationship, you are only going to end up becoming resentful . . . the relationship will eventually come to its demise anyway, but you will be left with a bag full of bad feelings.

In my opinion, and based on the many couples I have come into contact with, there are only a couple reasons worth hanging in and waiting for them to come around . . . and those are the ones discussed above. Unless they are very young (early 20s or younger), have never dated anyone else, or have a real reason for being temporarily timid, then, unfortunately, you need to move on . . .

But, whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up for asking for exclusivity! Instead, look at the positive: If you had never brought it up, you wouldn’t know that you were wasting your time. While it feels like the conversation was a failure, in reality it was a success for your future. It’s always better to know what’s going on and be able to make decisions from a place of knowledge than to be kept in the dark stuck and stagnating. Keep your faith, keep your head up, and keep your eyes open for your true other half.

In that article, I promised to address in more detail the specifics of this “becoming exclusive”—i.e. the who, when, and hows of having what’s commonly referred to as “the talk.” This is a topic I often get questions about, as it is both a frightening and fantastic transition when you finally identify yourselves, to the world, as a couple and agree to stop seeing other people. While, as I mention in the preceding article, this is not an agreement to get married or spend the rest of your lives together, especially as Christians, you are telling one another, “If things keep heading in the direction they are now, engagement, and ultimately marriage, would be the end result.”

But long before anyone starts shopping for rings, there are a few specific questions that need to be answered:

Who initiates this exclusivity talk?
While it can be either person, the truth is that since women often move faster emotionally in a relationship—and, for better or worse, we are more conditioned by society to want to be in a committed relationship—it is usually the woman who starts itching for exclusivity, and therefore, it is usually she who initiates this conversation.

Must there be an actual conversation?
I know a lot of men (and even some women) feel formal “talks” should be avoided at all costs. For many, the thought of sitting down for a discussion about the state of their relationship is nothing short of a nerve-wracking nightmare. However, the truth is that the decision to become exclusive is just that, a decision, and one that must be made together without games and guesswork. Even if you have been spending greater and greater amounts of time together, and you feel you both “know” that things have become exclusive, a five-minute chat is in order. Communication is key in a relationship, and making sure you are on the same page is paramount. The last thing you want is a misunderstanding where one person assumes exclusivity, then feels betrayed when they find out their guy/girl has spent time with someone else.

Another way to think of this talk is as an indicator of how well you communicate as a couple (which, incidentally, is one of the best predictors of which couples will stay together). If you and your potential boy or girlfriend can’t come together for an honest conversation about commitment, how could you ever communicate about marriage and starting a family? Having a calm and compassionate talk about taking things to the next level is a great way to practice both speaking frankly about your own feelings as well as learning to listen to, and take into consideration, those of your partner.

When do I initiate this conversation?
Timing is everything. Okay, not everything, but it certainly can set the stage for the talk being fruitful or a big fat failure. The most important thing here is that you DO NOT initiate this conversation from a place of anger or desperation. This is not the kind of conversation that you bring up during an argument or when you’re feeling insecure. When you launch into this talk under tense circumstances, the other person is automatically put on the defense, often feeling that you are trying to manipulate or test them. The exclusivity talk is really about the feelings of love that you are developing for another and, therefore, should come from a place of affection. It would make sense then that the best time to initiate is when you are enjoying a loving, lighthearted moment together. This way the conversation is an obvious extension of these good feelings.

In addition to being in a positive place emotionally, a few logistical guidelines should be followed:
• Make sure you are alone and not likely to get interrupted by a friend or family member.
• Make sure you are in an atmosphere where you can speak freely without background noise.
• Make sure that you have at least an hour; in case the conversation becomes lengthy, you don’t want to have to cut things off before each person has had a chance to fully express their feelings.
• Make sure that neither of you is preoccupied or in the middle of doing something else (for example, don’t choose the evening before he’s got a big meeting at work or is stressed about a family situation).

How do I initiate this conversation?
An important thing to keep in mind is that while it’s important to have a straightforward discussion, this talk doesn’t have to be frighteningly formal, and by all means, don’t build it up to be too big of a deal. So while you want the person to understand that you need their full attention, you don’t want to paint a scary and overly-serious scenario by saying things like, “This Friday at 3pm, we need to have a sit down conversation about a very important matter…”

Instead, the best thing to do is to pre-plan what you are going to say, and then keep it on your mental backburner until the right moment presents itself. When you find yourselves in a situation that meets the criteria above, go for it.

A good way to start is by first saying something to let him or her know that you need their full attention. For example, “You know, I’ve been thinking lately that there is something I would like to talk about.” After this, continue with something along the lines of, “I really enjoy spending time with you and think we have a lot in common. I know we have never actually discussed whether or not we are exclusive or can date others. I want you to know that I don’t feel the need to date anyone else at this point and I wanted to know what your feelings are about this.” Of course, put this in your own words, but you get the general idea:

1. Get the person’s attention.
2. Tell them how you feel (that you enjoy their company and why they make you happy, etc.)
3. Tell them that you don’t feel the need to date others.
4. Ask them if they feel the same or what their feelings are about this.
5. Really listen to their response.

If you follow these guidelines for initiating the exclusivity talk, you know you’ve set the stage for an honest, heart-to-heart conversation, and hopefully, you’ll be walking away as an exclusive couple. However, while logistics and language are important toward ensuring a positive outcome, sometimes you find out that the other person is NOT mad about moving forward. Next week I’ll address what you should do when the talk doesn’t, well, take and why you should have NO regrets about bringing it up.

Stay tuned for PART II—Exclusivity: What to Do When Both Are Not up for It?

Since this is a tricky subject and the answer is a bit complex, I decided to set things straight about this so-called dating around: What’s its purpose? What’s potentially problematic? And, finally, when is it time to become exclusive?

What’s the point of dating multiple men (or women)?
Dating, as I will simply refer to it, is the crucial first stage in any relationship when you are just getting to know each other and feeling out if your personalities are suited, if you share similar beliefs and values, if there is romantic chemistry, and whether or not you have the same basic goals for the future. When put this way, you can see that there is nothing wrong with casually spending time with more than one person during the initial period after you meet. Note: A main reason this is not inappropriate is that, as a Christian, you would not be involved physically with any of these people. Dating around gets a bad rap often because inappropriate physicality is involved, which makes things tricky, sticky, and nearly always ends up in heartbreak.

The main thing to keep in mind is that everyone needs to be on the same page. It is key that no one is under the false belief that they are the only one. Not that you need to give details of one date to another, just that there is no dishonesty. This shouldn’t be a problem, as most people realize that in the first couple weeks to couple months, you don’t know each other well enough yet to have made a decision to be exclusive . . . which leads us to the second question . . .

What’s the difference between “commitment” and “exclusivity”?
Before we go any further, I think it is important to distinguish between the two. What we are discussing right now is “exclusivity,” which is different than “commitment.” Exclusivity is when you and your—now technically titled—boyfriend (or girlfriend) have decided that you will no longer date other people. This is like saying, “We are really happy with what we know about each other so far, and we are now ready to function as a couple and see if that is comfortable for us and how that works out.” What is missing here is a COMMITMENT to one another that you WILL BE spending your future together. While it is a commitment in the sense that you are making a commitment to the other person to date only them, it gets people nervous to call things a commitment at this point, as we generally reserve that term for marriage or engagement. Many times, people hold off becoming exclusive, because they are confusing this exclusivity and “being a couple” with a lifelong commitment: They fear that by becoming exclusive, they are promising to spend their lives together, which at this point, would obviously be rushing things. That being said . . .

How do I know when it’s time to become exclusive?
Any regular reader of this blog knows that I am a big believer in following your gut feelings. However, when we are talking about the initial stages of a relationship, sometimes feelings of lust or excitement cause us to ignore our gut. To avoid this, it’s wise to ask yourself if the following statements apply to your progressing relationship:

1. We share similar religious beliefs and moral values.
2. We are on the same page with regard to what we want for the future (i.e. marriage, children, where to live, etc.).
3. We enjoy each other’s company and generally get along well (i.e. we don’t bicker often or have combative arguments).
4. I feel romantic chemistry for this person (in other words, when we are out, I don’t find myself looking at other men/women).
5. I have NOT seen any major red flags or signs that cause me to feel worried.
6. When I am with him/her, I am content and happy and not constantly wondering what friends or others are doing.
7. I have no apprehension: When I compare this person to the others I am dating, there is no question that this person feels much more “right” than anyone else.
8. I can imagine myself married to this person, sharing and blending our lives without him or her making any major changes in themselves.

If the above accurately describe your feelings and relationship, you are likely ready to take things to the next level and see how things go as a couple. Again, this is not a pledge to be together for life, just a decision to continue your journey together, getting to know each other as partners. Note: The reason I mention #8 about envisioning the two of you married is not because you need to be sure at this point that you want to marry him or her (after all, that’s what the next phase is about); it’s just that if you CAN’T at all imagine yourself with them in the future, then you need to cut things off. After all, we mustn’t forget that, as Christians, the purpose of dating is to eventually find someone with whom you can enter into the bond of holy matrimony.

In addition to the above, another way to tell that it’s time to become exclusive is that you will start to feel “not right” when you are out with other people. Many married couples say that what made them stop dating others was that things progressed to a level of emotional intimacy (mutual sharing of personal thoughts, problems, fears, secrets, etc.) with one person which made them no longer feel it was appropriate to spend time with others—almost like they were “cheating” on their special someone. People also report that they found themselves thinking about one person while they were out on dates with others. These feelings, together with the above exercise, should give you an idea of when it’s time to go from several people to a special person.

But for how long is it okay to date more than one person?
Of course I can’t give an absolute, specific length of time, as every relationship moves at a different pace. Generally speaking, however, a few weeks seems to be ample time to find your frontrunner in the dating game. Most people feel that sometime between two and seven or eight weeks, they will develop a stronger bond with one person. Much beyond this, someone usually starts to develop deeper feelings and becomes unhappy if things don’t progress.

What’s the downside to dating multiple people for too long?
Aside from the obvious, that people start developing deeper feelings and jealousy starts creeping in, the major problem is that it is nearly impossible to develop a deeper “bond” with one person when you are still dating others. Again, dating multiple people is beneficial in the beginning, so you can compare and contrast your feelings for one with the others. However, this is only helpful while things are still on a very casual level.

The problem is that, in order for things to get more serious, you need to build a deeper bond with one, and this doesn’t seem to happen if you are dating others. The reason for this is that, psychologically speaking, a big portion of what we experience as “love” is a feeling of being a couple, a pair, or “on the same team” so to speak. When we continue to date multiple people, it serves to hold each relationship at bay, effectively keeping them “on the surface,” as opposed to opening up to one another emotionally.

In fact, people who fear emotional intimacy often use this, subconsciously, as a technique for not getting close to anyone. They are always casually dating a few people, then complaining that they don’t feel a real connection with any of them. What they don’t realize is that they are sabotaging themselves: By keeping things casual with all of them, they are ensuring that things stay casual. It seems that in order to become a serious couple, you have to function and feel a part of a couple; you have to experience the two of you as an “us.”

Each stage is important to the next
Building a relationship goes in stages, and each stage plays an important role in transitioning into the next: “Dating around” allows you to decide with whom you will move on with as a couple—to “Exclusivity” or “being boyfriend and girlfriend.” This stage allows you to test the waters functioning as a pair and enables you to decide whether or not you will move on to the next stage, “Commitment” or “Engagement.” And finally, engagement is the time when we are preparing for “Marriage” and to become husband and wife.

As you can see, the course of a relationship is both complicated and unique. Hopefully, once you understand about each stage and its function, it’s easier to understand how to navigate, and ultimately pass through, each of them . . . including the casual “dating around.”

Coming soon: “From Dating to Exclusivity: How to Bring It up, Who Brings It up, and What if Both Are Not up for It?”