But as we know, relationships are fluid, and they don’t progress at an exact step-by-step pace; and, many times, it’s more of a feeling in your God-given gut.  That being said, you can help determine when the time is right by asking yourself questions about how you relate, how you handle certain situations, and whether you’ve made it past particular milestones.

So when should your kids meet your man or woman?

Specifically, if you can answer “yes” to the following questions, it’s probably time to introduce your kids to the man or woman that’s making you so happy:

Are you dating exclusively?
This is, by far, the most significant issue.  As opposed to being in a casual courtship, being in a committed relationship increases your chances of staying together tremendously.  Almost all experts agree: Wait until you are exclusive before bringing your kids into the equation.

Have you been dating more than two or three months?
Sure, relationships move at different speeds.  But it’s almost impossible to really get to know someone—based on the right reasons—in less than two or three months.  And I’d say likely not less than six.  So if it’s been three weeks and things are going wonderfully, great!  Even more reason there’s no need to rush this meaningful meeting.

Can you effectively problem solve?
In an article on single-parent dating, the informational website LoveToKnow.com advises that “single parents not introduce their dates to their children until well after trust and the ability to problem-solve concerns has been established.” This is because co-parenting entails continuous problem solving…especially if stepchildren are involved.  And even though you don’t know what you and your man (or woman) might be like as co-parents, you can get an idea by the way you resolve issues in your relationship now.  For example, do disagreements often lead to blowups, or can you each calmly communicate your point of view and come to a solution together?  Are you both able to compromise?  Do you really listen to what the other is saying in an effort to see their side?  And do you then empathize with the other’s point of view or personal needs?

Obviously, if you answered negatively to the above, it’s a bad sign.  But it’s equally a testament to not being ready if you haven’t yet faced any serious issues needing to be resolved.  If you are still in the fun-and-games, best-foot-forward stage of dating, enjoy it…just don’t introduce your kids until you get more into the thick of things.

Have you honestly discussed the possibility of co-parenting?
This isn’t an area in which to make assumptions—like, “I doubt he’d be dating me if he wasn’t okay with being a stepdad to my kids.”  While I definitely don’t recommend busting this out right off the bat, you do want to have an honest conversation when things start getting serious.

You need to be upfront with him or her about your parental responsibilities (i.e., do you have weekends or full custody?), your relationship with your ex and their degree of involvement, and any crucial issues regarding your kids (i.e., is your son dealing with a drug problem?  Does your daughter struggle with a physical disability?)  In other words, you need to paint a complete picture of what things would be like should you stay together and what his or her role would be with regards to your children.

This also includes discussing discipline: how you discipline, who would discipline, and your overall thoughts on how your babies should be raised.  As with the other questions, the bottom line being if there’s going to be something your boyfriend or girlfriend can’t handle—or you can’t happily handle together—better you break things off before your kids’ emotions become involved.

Have you resolved any “big” issues that could cause a breakup?
Of course, even in the absence of any looming dealbreakers, there’s no guarantee that your exclusive relationship will lead to marriage.  However, if there are already identifiable issues, you’ve just increased your chances.  (For example, if he’s not willing to become a Christian, and this is an absolute for you, don’t ignore the issue only to see it resurface once he’s practically part of the family.)

Remember, a breakup between you and someone who’s been playing parent to your kids is one for them also…in a very serious sense.  Therefore, address and settle any unresolved dealbreakers before bringing him home.  In the event that you can’t come to a consensus, again, better you know now when only the adults will be affected.

The final word

While there is no predetermined time, answering in the affirmative to the above can be a guide…coupled with feeling comfortable, in your gut, that that time is right.  Most of all, remember that your goal is to avoid a breakup once your kids have become involved: Essentially, the more you feel confident that you are going to build a future together, the more it’s time to make introductions.  Because the last thing you want is your relationship ending after your kids have become attached to the man or woman you are with.  Even worse, should things end after your children come into the picture, kids can blame themselves, feeling like they were the cause of your lost love!

This means if you are a single Christian man or woman, the odds that you have a child or will eventually date someone who has a child are high.  If you are over 40, you’d better brush up on your baby talk, because the odds are astronomical.

In the second segment of this post, I will offer a specific checklist to help determine when the time is right; but for now, if the question is, When should you introduce your kids to someone you are dating? the answer is NEVER.  If you don’t consider yourself to be in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t even think about bringing the kids into the picture.

Why wait: for your kids’ sake

When you start dating someone special, your initial instinct is to want everyone to meet your great new guy.  While this may be fine for friends, it’s not advantageous for your children…for a number of reasons.

Avoidable attachment
Kids have an active fantasy life.  So while marriage might not even be a thought in your mind, your kids will see any opposite-sex person as a potential father (or mother) figure.  If they like the person, this can build false hope that he or she will be joining the family.  As a parent, your job is to do everything you can to avoid a breakup once your child has grown attached and developed hopes he’ll have a new dad.  The best way to do this is to avoid making introductions before the relationship is serious and solid.

Avoidable anxiety
As we know, kids don’t always want a mother or father figure entering the equation.  So for some, the introduction of a new friend for mommy can produce major anxiety.  And regardless of whether they like your new love interest, there will certainly be a period of mental adjustment, where your child will struggle to understand what this means for them, for their life, and for their relationship with you.  Sure, if someone is going to be a permanent part of your life, it’s a journey that will have to be embarked on.  On the other hand, it’s a lot of unnecessary stress for a five-year-old should you break up two months later.

Confusion
Introducing dates to children too soon increases the likelihood they’ll see a series of men or women come and go…and this can be confusing.  Not only does it repeatedly put them through the anxiety of the processes above, it teaches them that relationships are short-lived and superfluous.  Sure, you know it’s normal to court someone casually for a few weeks, and then move on to someone else.  But since your children can’t make this distinction—and they see everyone as serious—this can set them up for a future of issues in their own relationships.  And it’s the last thing you want them to think about Christian couples.

Why wait: for the sake of finding love

Let’s be selfish for a second.  Of course your children’s happiness is your first priority.  But you’d also like to find love for yourself.  Introducing your kids to someone you’re simply dating isn’t going to help you achieve that goal either.

Think about it.  When you meet someone and start building a relationship, you progress through certain steps: First, you get to know each other casually; then, you get into the groove of being a romantic couple.  Only once that’s solid, do you move onto discussing how you would proceed as co-parents.

Add your children to the mix too early, and this will be the vibe from the onset.  Even if your date doesn’t try to discipline your kids, it uncovers a hotbed of issues that is a lot to handle for a couple still finding their footing; too much stress on a foundation that’s only just being built can cause collapse.  Discussions about co-parenting and your kids’ best interests can certainly be such stress.

Furthermore, if you are the single parent in this picture, introducing your date too early can send the message that you are simply looking for a father (or mother) for your children.  In reality, while he/she may certainly come to love your little ones, dates are initially interested in you.  Sensing that you’re looking for a caretaker can be a huge turnoff.

So should you tell the kids?

I feel it’s important to note that just because I’m suggesting you not make early introductions doesn’t mean you should be secretive about your whereabouts.  After all, you don’t want your kids to feel like you’re hiding something from them.

Depending on their ages, most experts agree that referring to the person as a “friend” is the way to go.  So whether you are going out with the girls or out on a date, tell the kids the same story: You are going out with a friend.  If they probe, you can explain that people have male and female friends…tonight, you happen to be hanging out with Darrell, a man.  In other words, answer questions honestly; just don’t give details.

The final word

The long and short is that, especially as a Christian, you should avoid introducing your kids too soon.  Statistically speaking, the longer you date, the more likely the person will become a permanent part of your life.  In general, this means putting off the meeting until you sense a serious possibility that there could be a future with the man or woman you are seeing.  More specifically, however, there is a list of signs that it’s time to take that step…

Stay tuned for part two: Christian Couples: WHEN Should You Introduce Your Kids to Your New Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

That being said, there’s one area that can’t change too drastically: When it comes to having children, we continue to be limited by our biological clocks. Although there are fertility treatments helping women have kids later in life, these carry with them risks, religious considerations, and prohibitive expense, which brings us back to the reality…we’ve got a certain window in which to procreate. And as the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.”

Which brings us to another reality: According the US Census Bureau’s 2006 American Community Survey, 45 percent of black women in America have never been married. And, if you are one of this astoundingly large group—and one of the millions of women who want to experience motherhood and share your love and faith with a family—as your age creeps up, fear, disappointment, and even panic start to set in.

Now, let me clarify that I’m not citing this statistic to make you stressed or sad…and certainly not to make you settle. In fact, quite the opposite. I’m citing this to make you aware of the reality and give you hope that you can still achieve your dream of having children without compromising your values, taking advantage of or misleading a potential partner, or settling for someone unsuited, then ending up as another statistic: divorced.

Most importantly, I’m addressing this topic, because, as a woman of somewhat-rapidly diminishing childbearing years, I understand the struggle—and I understand the dilemma of wanting a child, but not being able to will, pray, or push a mate into your life…and as a result, being faced with a not-so-attractive array of options.

Single and wanting a child: An honest assessment of your options

As a single woman who’s watching her thirties disappear in the rearview mirror, you have a finite number of choices if you desire a family. Unfortunately, most come with a price unwilling to be paid by Believers:

Hope and pray for a partner
While we all know the strength of prayer, we have to look at reality: You can’t actually will a man into existence. Patience and faith will alleviate a lot of mental struggle, as will enjoying your life where it’s at present moment. But obsessively focusing on finding a father right now is not going to get you a groom.

Settle for the unsuitable
Unfortunately, this is where women often go when they want to start a family and feel that time is running out. Sometimes it’s manipulatively conscious, while often we cunningly convince ourselves that a man who we simply don’t love or mesh with on important issues is the best we can find in the time we’ve got available. Either way, divorce, drama, and deceit are often the result…not exactly a solid, loving, honest, or Christian atmosphere into which a child should be born.

Push and pressure your current relationship to the next level
Yet another common (conscious or unconscious) choice—we feel rushed to have a family before it’s too late, so we apply the pressure to whatever relationship we are currently in…hoping to speed ahead to the next step, regardless of whether the man or the relationship itself is ready. The result is either built up resentment or an outright pushing away of what could have been a lifelong love.

Single sex for procreation
I doubt I have to say too much on this one, but setting out to “find a father” then promiscuously and purposefully trying to become impregnated is not exactly the Christian thing to do. More importantly, you cannot use someone for their procreative powers and then completely disentangle and go your separate ways. When someone fathers your child, you are bonded for life. Furthermore, men, like us, have feelings and emotions, and most don’t want to wander off into the night not knowing their offspring. When you decide to become pregnant, you are consciously bringing a life into this world, and you are therefore responsible for it, which includes being responsible for facilitating a relationship with his or her father. In other words—even aside from all judgments about purity, sin, and fornication—going about having a child in this manner is treating it with much less respect and responsibility than it deserves.

Abandon your maternal desires
For some women, it is an option to simply practice acceptance—acceptance that maybe it is not God’s will that they become mothers; and for these women, fulfillment can be found through extended family, nieces and nephews, and providing assistance and support to charities or churches with children in need. For others, however, this feels inconceivable. Some women truly feel that they were born to care for children of their own, which brings me to the following…

Adoption as a realistic alternative

As Christians, we are taught that children should be brought into a family consisting of a man and woman who have taken the vows of matrimony. And while I agree with this in theory, it is not always possible. As I mentioned initially, we do not have the power to produce our Mr. Right—smack dab in the middle of our childbearing years. In fact, I know several women who have met their soul mates after the age of 50, and are now living in love and in God. Especially once we contemplate the above options, we might be willing to open our minds a bit and consider a spiritually superior option as a realistic alternative.

The upside of adoption

Adoption can be a loving, giving, compassionate, and completely fulfilling choice for a single woman who desires a family yet is unwilling to settle or sacrifice her beliefs. And its benefits can lead to fulfillment for mother and child as well as a peaceful sense of patience where romance is concerned:

The ultimate blessing for a child
The online blog All John’s Children cites a statistic from USAID.gov stating that by the year 2010, the number of orphans worldwide is projected to reach 44 million! Giving a child a safe, loving home and providing him or her with a life that would have otherwise been impossible is one of the greatest gifts a person can give. While this may not have been your immediate picture of a “traditional Christian home,” I simply can’t comprehend any argument that giving hope and happiness to a forgotten child does not epitomize a Believer.

The blessing of motherhood
In adoption, the child isn’t the only one who wins. Ask any mother of an adopted child if they feel fulfilled in raising the child as their own, and you will get an overwhelming response of emotion and attachment equal to that of biological parents. In fact, adoptive parents often report an even more significant effect on their lives and faith, as they feel a sense of having made a difference on a grander scale.

No need to settle, pressure, or play games
When you decide to adopt a child, you are relieving the pressure of procreating before your biological clock stops ticking. Because you are taking control of your destiny in becoming a parent, you no longer need to consider settling for a man who isn’t right or pressuring a partner to commit prematurely.

Leave love to when it’s really right
You also open yourself up to be truly patient in waiting for The One. There is no longer a rush or feeling of anxiety attached to meeting your mate. Therefore, you can settle contentedly into your belief that in God’s time romance will become a reality.

Addressing the single parent skepticism

I know that, especially in a Christian blog, it’s a bit out of the ordinary to actually suggest single parenthood. However, there are two enormous differences between adoption and what we usually think of as a single-parent household: First of all, much of the downside of a single-parent home comes from the atmosphere of chaos and conflict that arises as a result of two people who are not committed or well suited bringing a child into the world. On the contrary, the atmosphere surrounding a single parent who has adopted out of love and independence is vastly different.

Which brings me to the second dissimilarity, and this is key: As an adoptive parent, you are not choosing to bring this child into the world. Someone else has already made that choice; you are now stepping in to make the most of the situation. So while one parent might not be optimal, it’s hard to deny that the love of one parent is preferable to the love of none or an institutional caretaker. As a side note, just because you’ve adopted as a single woman certainly doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever! Once the pressure is off and you’ve decided to live your life for you and your child, you’ll be surprised what type of man might wander in to become part of it.

Candidates for adoption

In closing, I’ll say a word about who might be an appropriate candidate for adoption. If you are considering going this route as an alternative to forgoing a family altogether or settling for an ill-suited mate, you need to do some serious soul searching before coming to a conclusion. Characteristics of an appropriate adoptive single parent include: responsible, independent, financially capable, mature, possessing a strong support system of friends and family, and most of all, a desire and readiness to be selfless.

So while I’m not saying adoption is for everyone, my goal is to at least put it out there as a viable option for women who are struggling with the conflict of wanting children but who have yet to find a suitable partnership that fits from a personal and spiritual perspective. In this case, adoption may very well be the solution for brining you the blessing of a family, while giving an underprivileged child the greatest blessing of all.

Adding to the confusion is the morality aspect: How did the person come to be a single parent? Are they a practicing Christian who had children within a marriage that sadly didn’t work out? Or, are they loose with their morals, having multiple children from multiple “relationships,” none of which were sanctioned by the vows of matrimony?

In this post, I will discuss the pros and cons of dating single parents if you are not a parent yourself. Hopefully this will open your eyes to the necessary considerations and give you a strategy for determining if this is something that’s just not for you or another opportunity to meet a great match.

The following is a decision tree of sorts: Each is a question to consider with regard to your lifestyle as well as the specific situation of the man/woman you are dating. Evaluate your feelings about each issue, and if you feel a parent is still a potential for you, move on to the next question.

1. What’s his/her story?
As I mentioned above, there are a variety of situations that can lead to someone becoming a single parent, and in my opinion, the hows and whys are extremely crucial in making your decision. Again, if he or she has more than one child out of wedlock—especially if from different fathers or mothers—or a number of children while the person is still quite young themselves, you need to take a good, hard look at their morals and sense of responsibility. While I always stress our humanity and how, even as faithful Christians, we all make mistakes, a person who continues to make the same mistakes over and over either a. doesn’t learn from their mistakes—a sign of irresponsibility or b. doesn’t see any problem with their actions—in this case, a sign of relaxed morals, as sleeping with various people unprotected and outside of marriage is not the kind of Christian behavior you are likely seeking.

Again, the reason you want to find out is not so you can judge them as a non-believer or bad person, but because you are trying to find out what kind of mate you are considering. Someone who has taken sex, and especially parenthood, lightly in the past, will likely continue to do so in the future.

On the other hand, if a person has children as a result of a previous marriage, the next step would be to find out what happened to cause the union to fail. While dating a divorced Christian is a whole other article, the point is that sometimes two good people just aren’t well suited and getting out of the relationship is a brave decision that is likely best for both…as well as the kids. If you see the divorce as a responsible decision or a mere unfortunate circumstance (i.e. the person was not committing adultery or some other disrespectful act towards their spouse), go ahead and move to consideration number two.

2. What’s his/her situation?
By this, I mean what is the level of involvement the person has in the children’s lives. While, hopefully, there is some parental bond, there is a significant difference for you if he or she maintains sole, physical custody. Dating, and eventually marrying, someone who has children that are in their teens and live in another state means periodic visits. While this still means you are going to have to figure out how you fit in as well as form some kind of positive relationship with his/her offspring, this is very different than the alternative. If the man or woman has sole custody, with the children living under their care, you are going to become a parent. Stepparent or not, if these children live under your mate’s roof, you are taking on the role of mother or father. And while this is fine for some people, you need to decide if you are ready for this kind of responsibility…especially if you don’t yet have kids of your own.

Either way, dating a man or woman with kids IS going to impact your relationship as a couple. I know a number of people who are in this situation, and for some of them things have worked out wonderfully. However, each and every one stresses that there are sacrifices to be made: Weekends are often not for romantic rendezvous, but rather play-dates at the park. Vacations to Tahiti are out; instead, the money and missed work are spent visiting the person’s children who happen to live in Idaho. If his or her specific situation is one you feel you can handle, great, move on to the next consideration.

3. What’s your stage of life?
Once you’ve considered your potential mate’s custody arrangement, you need to really assess where you are in your own life. Dating a man or woman with kids is very different if you are 20 and finishing college as opposed to being 30 and ready to settle into family mode. If your interests include hanging out late with friends, sleeping away your Saturday afternoons, or even going away on group retreats, a parent might not be your best partner. Conversely, if you enjoy watching movies at home, feel yourself smiling at every kid you see, or are very family oriented by nature, you might want to give that fine-looking father a shot.

4. How right for you is he/she as a person?
No matter what your age, stage of life, or interests, becoming a stepparent to someone else’s kids is going to involve sacrifice and hard work; although you may only be considering a third date, if you know matter-of-factly that you are not ready for this type of responsibility, you shouldn’t waste your time or his (or especially become involved with their children, only to disappear a few months later).

At the risk of being blunt, the point here is that you need to make sure he/she and your relationship itself are worth it. Worth the extra work. Work the extra time, financial tradeoffs, and the stress that dealing with him co-parenting with his ex will bring. That being said, if you’ve met a man or woman who shares your beliefs, interests, and values and with whom you feel that “I just know it” certainty, all these extras may very well be worth the love you’ll find. As I said, I know more than one friend who wed a man with children from a previous marriage. Both said it took sacrifice, but both felt, in their heart of hearts, he was their soul mate. And both are happily married today, enjoying healthy relationships with their stepchildren.

5. Do you mesh on the matter of more kids?
Finally, the last thing you must consider is whether or not he/she is open to having more children. I’m guessing that if you are open to dating a man or woman who has children, you are happy to raise children, and therefore will probably want to have at least one child of your own. Of course there are exceptions, but if this is accurate, you must make sure to have a straightforward conversation with the person you are dating as to whether or not they want to have more kids. Some single parents are thrilled to add to their brood once they remarry, while others stand firm with being finished. If you want babies of your own, this could certainly be a deal breaker.

And for the positives…

Since I am pointing out all the sacrifices and stresses of dating someone with kids, I feel I should mention that there are a couple benefits to a man/woman with babies. First of all, assuming that he/she had the children within a marriage, this shows that they are capable of committing. Again assuming that he or she didn’t leave the marriage because they couldn’t handle the commitment, studies show that men in particular who marry once are more likely to do it again. Generally speaking, they enjoy being part of a couple as well as the mutual care and compassion that go with it.

A second benefit to dating a man or woman who has kids is that it allows you a “sneak peek” into how they act in relationships as well as how they handle responsibility. I can’t overstate how much you can tell about a person by how they treat their ex, the mother or father of their children. Not only can you get a glimpse at how he/she interacts and manages conflict with their ex, but you can get a preview of how this person would raise your children by how they are raising the children they already have. People often wonder if the person they are dating will be a good mother or father; you don’t have to wonder—just open your eyes and see for yourself.

In summary, as a Christian (or any faith for that matter), the decision to date a person who has children is a personal one. These questions should help you assess your feelings as well as your potential mate’s past and specific situation. If it’s something that you’d rather not be a part of, it is much better to be honest with yourself and steer clear. However, if you determine that the person you’ve met is someone special, you might want to consider seeing if children could fit into your life; especially as you get older, the chance of potential partners being parents only increases—if you are in your 30s or over, completely cutting out this segment of the population is significantly reducing your pool of possibilities…many of whom are the exact type of mate you’d want: family guys or girls who want to make a loving home for their kids and who have learned from their mistakes the first time around. Either way, the most important thing is that you are both honest and on the same page…and that if you do move forward, you wait until you have established yourselves as a committed couple before you become part of the children’s lives.