And while making the decision to leave is the most important piece, preparing to depart is also a significant step, especially if you’re in a long-term union, marriage, or cohabitating relationship or if there are kids involved.  I should note that when I say “preparing to leave,” I’m defining the preparatory period as the time before you tell your partner.  Because you don’t actually “leave” a relationship when the final piece of furniture departs the premises; you leave when you tell him or her, “It’s over.”

To this end, forethought and preparation are important for a few reasons: Forming a plan increases your sense of security and therefore makes it more likely you won’t be talked into staying.  Considering all the factors ahead of time ensures there are no surprises later that might cause you to regret your decision.  Being certain of your decision makes it unlikely you’ll confuse or further hurt your partner with insincere announcements; as a Christian man or woman, this is an important piece of the puzzle.

Setting up to separate: Steps and considerations

While the most significant issues will differ somewhat for each person, there are certain elements that apply, to varying degrees, to almost anyone ending a marriage or serious, cohabitating relationship.  The following is a list of steps to take or components to consider prior to breaking the breakup news:

Plan your talk and avoid out-of-nowhere announcements
Okay, so this one really should take place before you’ve finalized your decision, but I mention it here as it plays into breaking the news.  To this end, I will say that it is much preferable if you have voiced your unhappiness in the past and given your partner an opportunity to change or to work together on your relationship.  This eliminates them trying to talk you out of it because, “You haven’t even given us a shot” or, “We can work it out if we try.”  Instead, the one being left feels all other options have been exhausted…and they are more likely to agree to a mutual and amicable separation.

From a compassion point of view, it is important your partner doesn’t feel blindsided.  I know both men and women who have gone along for years in a relationship they thought was perfectly stable and secure.  Since their partner suffered in silence with his or her feelings of dissatisfaction, the one being left was never really aware their partner was at the breaking point.  When confronted with the split, they were shocked; they felt they were never given an opportunity to try.  Furthermore, they felt an enormous sense of betrayal…that their partner had been keeping his or her unhappiness secret for so long.  This type of scar can take years to heal and cause people to approach future relationships with feelings of distrust and fears of abrupt abandonment.

So if you have been keeping your discontent to yourself, try first voicing the seriousness of the situation: “I haven’t been happy…if something doesn’t change with regards to X problem, I’m thinking of leaving.”  If, however, you’ve been down that road and back, choose a time, place, and make a plan for how you will announce your decision.  In other words, be sure you are serious before breaking the news.  Leaving your mate should never be used as a threat; this is mean and manipulative…and they just might call your bluff.

When the decision is made: Practice a cooling-off period
Divorces don’t become final immediately because the courts feel couples need a cooling-off period between the time they file and the time they are officially free of one another forever.  I recommend you do the same before announcing your intention to split.

Specifically, I advise you sit with your decision to depart for a week.  And by this I don’t mean contemplate it for a week (that should be a more prolonged process); I mean once you’ve made your decision to depart, sit with that reality before making the official move and telling your mate.  This will almost ensure that you don’t make a spur-of-the-moment decision out of anger or frustration.  Remember, once it’s out there, you can’t take it back.  So consider cautiously.

Figure out finances
If you’ve been supported or sharing expenses with your partner, thinking about future finances is important, because you are much more likely to stick to your decision if you have a plan in place for how you’ll make ends meet.  This would include evaluating your employment options (if you’ve not been working) and giving thought to which monies/accounts are separate and which have been shared.

If you’re married or cohabitating long-term with shared assets, it would also include giving thought to a division of property, etc. that would work for both people.  This might sound materialistic, but you are going to need to consider these things if you are serious about splitting and surviving on your own.  And while you shouldn’t be greedy in your requests, also remember (women especially), if you have been a stay-at-home mom, you have been contributing to the financial stability of the family by providing a home and raising kids; you have also likely put your career on the back burner.  Again, I’m not talking about an attitude of “take him for all he’s worth”; I’m just making sure you don’t devalue your contributions either.

Think about housing options
Obviously one person will need to find another place to live; in fact, in today’s economy, it’s unlikely that either person can afford the shared space alone.  While of course you can’t make final decisions without the input of your partner, you want to do some preliminary research on your own.  Mostly, this means giving some thought to what type of housing you might be able to afford and in what area or school district.

Also, remember you may need to make sacrifices and downsize initially.  But this is a small price to pay for inner peace.  And it’s not forever: Once a settlement is reached, mutual assets are sold or divided, or you get back into the swing of working or starting an at-home business, things will improve.  Again, once you know that staying together is not your only option, it’s much easier to do what will bring you true bliss.

Consider the kids
This is a big stumbling block and the reason many marriages or relationships stay together.  That being said, the ideal situation would be working on your problems and recreating a relationship that brings happiness to both of you and is healthy for your kids.

But as we know, this is not always possible.  I strongly believe—and some may disagree—that two single parents who are satisfied with their lives is much better than two married parents who are miserable.  Not to mention that children are very keyed in to discord in their environment.  So consider the message you are sending minors should you remain part of a dysfunctional duo.

While the intricacies of handling children during a split are beyond the scope of this article, suffice to say that if kids are involved, you need to give some serious consideration to how custody might be arranged.  In doing so, it’s crucial that you do your best to keep your kids’ interests—not your own anger—at the forefront.  Even though you may currently consider your soon-to-be-ex an awful person and entertain visions of hurting him or her by separating them from their kids…DO NOT make this fantasy a reality!  Women especially, remember your kids need a father, and unless he is truly an unfit parent, seeking joint custody or lenient visitation is vital.  Kids who are kept from their fathers out of a mother’s spite often grow up feeling, mistakenly, like they were unwanted by their displaced dads.

As far as telling the children about the split, this should wait until you and your partner have come to an agreement about how to explain things…together.  Furthermore, let loved ones know your intentions only once you’ve told your mate, and he or she has had time to let the separation sink in.

The final word

I want to stress again that the point of mentally preparing is to make sure a separation is what you truly want, that you are going in with a full understanding of the ramifications, and that you have the security of knowing you have a plan for making things work without your mate. While all this is important for your wellbeing, I should note that your precise plans should not be divulged detail by detail to your partner, as this might make him or her feel like you’ve planned it out behind their back and are already one foot out the door.

Finally, remember, since you’ve had time to mull over all aspects of the separation, your partner is going to need that time too.  Make yourself available to answer their questions…but also give them space to process their feelings about the separation by themselves or alone with their friends and family.  A sense of calm understanding will not come immediately; but if you handle the split with compassion and integrity, it will come eventually.

Note regarding relationships where there is actual or threatened physical abuse:
This article is not written specifically for abusive or threatening relationships.  If your decision to leave causes you any concern for your safety, or the safety of children, I highly recommend consulting with a women’s organization or shelter first to devise a specific plan for a safe exit.

Not only is it utterly life changing, particularly when the relationship is long term, but there are so many thoughts, emotions, and rationalizations that play into both staying put and walking away: We may feel guilt about leaving, fear of being alone, and conflicting feelings of love, anger, resentment, discontent, and every other sentiment under the sun.  And that doesn’t even account for the practical considerations: Will I be okay financially?  Who will maintain our mutual friends?  And how will we share custody if kids are involved?

For all these reasons, many people push the thought of leaving from their minds, instead resigning themselves to a life of less love, joy, and spiritual/personal fulfillment than they deserve.  Therefore, my goal here is to give you some guidance if you are struggling with whether to stay in a relationship or move on.  Of course only you know for sure what is really right.  But, considering the following factors should help you come to an honest conclusion.

You should probably walk if…

There is any form of mental or physical abuse
This one’s not a “should”; this is serious.

You feel better about yourself when you are not with him or her

You feel happier, more relaxed, or more at peace when you are not with him or her

He or she does/says things that are just plain mean
I’m not talking about standard fighting.  Every couple will argue.  I’m referring to the feeling you get when a person is truly unkind…or when they hit below the belt just to hurt you.

You feel he or she weakens your bond with the Lord rather than strengthening it
This can include criticizing your Christian beliefs, displaying dishonesty, or engaging in immoral behavior.

You don’t get a warm, fuzzy feeling when you think about him or her

You are not physically attracted to him or her
Of course that initial giddiness will be replaced to some degree by a deeper, more calm connection.  But when you don’t like the person’s touch, smell, or kiss, the chemistry is just not there…and there’s no way to make it be.

You are embarrassed to have people meet him or her
I’m not talking about needing the approval of others, or about stupid stuff, like that he is a fashion failure.  I mean the hesitancy to introduce the person to friends or family because you know in your heart that they don’t treat you—or others—with respect.

You feel in your gut that he or she does not treat you properly
While there is a wide range of what constitutes treating a partner “properly,” when someone is not, you know.

You feel you have settled
Or you think about others often, wondering whether there might be a more suited man or woman out there.

Your main reason for remaining in the relationship does not have to do with love
In other words, you are staying put primarily because you feel guilty leaving, worry you won’t find anyone else you want, or worry you won’t find anyone else who wants you.

You feel in your gut that the relationship is not right
Again, go with your gut.  If you have been feeling for a long time like you are not leading the life you were meant to live, it’s a good indicator that you should seek something else.

Additional exercises for deciding whether to stay or separate

In addition to going over the guidelines above, there are two imagination exercises that I feel are helpful in evaluating if a relationship is right.  The first is taken from Regina Marie Johnson’s February 2008 Regina Gets Real column:

Whenever I have to make a decision between two options (including whether or not to continue seeing a person), I close myself off in a quiet room, sit in a comfortable position, and take a few deep breaths to get relaxed.  Then, I first imagine/visualize I’ve already made a choice to go with option A (for example, continuing to date a certain man).  I then sit with that scenario in my mind and pay attention to how I feel inside (in my stomach and spirit and to what happens to my anxiety level: Does it make me feel anxious or calm?)  After about 5-10 minutes, I do the same with option B (here, imagining that I’ve decided to move on from that man).  Again, I pay attention to the feelings in the pit of my stomach.  More often than not, the choice becomes clear . . . even if it’s not the choice that will bring me immediate (and often false) gratification.

The most important thing with this exercise is that you let go of your attachment to either outcome and that you don’t rationalize.  If your gut feelings lead you to an answer you don’t want, there can be no, “Well, maybe that’s only because of . . ..“  For this to work, you mustn’t try to talk yourself into making the “easy” choice.

The second exercise is a variation on the above.  Follow the same procedure, but instead of imagining simply that you’ve decided to stay with the man or woman, imagine your life 10 years from now as if you are still with the same person…and things are as they are now in your relationship (which, most likely, they will be).  Try to fill in the picture as fully as possible, and sit with that for a few minutes.  Again, notice your feelings: Is this a contented, comforting scenario or does it create internal anxiety?

Statistical support for finding your happiness however possible

I know it to be true in my experience: Those people—especially women—who are either single or in happy relationships are much better off (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) than those in unhappy ones.  Now, a Fox News article cites studies that support it.

According to a July 2008 piece, both happily married women and single women with “strong social networks and bustling careers” scored high on a happiness scale.  In fact, the article concludes that, “If you are in a bad relationship and are constantly worried, it will literally make you sick, we can’t trick our bodies. If you’re unattached, surround yourself with supportive friends and continue to pamper yourself. It’s so important for you (whether married or single) to fight for your own happiness.”

The final word

In summary, God gave us our gut intuition.  Why wouldn’t we use it in deciding whether a relationship is right?  On one hand, you certainly shouldn’t make a rush decision (i.e. after you feel discontent for only a week or two); and always remember that even “perfect partners” bring with them baggage and irritating idiosyncrasies.  But if staying with someone isn’t making you happy most of the time, your best bet is to move on.  Most importantly, don’t cling too closely to any outcome: As the saying goes, “Let go and let God.”

In that article, one of my first pieces of advice is to cut ties, communication, and co-ownership, as the continued ownership of property or belongings inevitably leads to your ex “needing” to call, come by, or meet with you on a last-minute basis. In this case, dividing the mutual stuff usually solves the problem.

But all of this gets much more complicated when children are involved. Unlike cars and CDs, unless your ex isn’t interested in playing a part in his or her kids’ lives, it’s not going to be possible to cut contact with the mother or father of your children. Especially now days as more and more fathers seek joint custody, you and your ex are going to have to speak and see one another on a pretty regular basis for at least the next 18 years…and probably the rest of your lives. So if you’ve got an ex who’s hurt and trying to make things complicated, how you handle the situation is going to have a huge impact on your overall happiness, as well as the happiness and mental health of your children.

Adhering to the following pointers for parenting with an invasive ex, should help you provide a positive environment for your children, while allowing you stay sane and build a bond with your new partner:

Co-parenting with your instigating ex

Be the bigger person
As I detail in part one, let your Christian compassion be your guide in dealings with your (albeit instigating) ex. While it is very easy to get angry at your ex for trying to sabotage your newfound happiness, if you look at it from a compassionate perspective—recognizing their underlying feelings of sadness, hurt, or inadequacy—you’ll find it’s easier to be the bigger person. In one of my all-time favorite books, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Dr. Richard Carlson calls this technique “seeing the innocence.” And he sums it up beautifully when he says, “Underneath even the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.” So when your ex makes some comment aimed at making you mad, remember where the behavior is coming from and blow it off rather than making it a big deal. Not only will you avoid playing into his or her plan, but also, as Carlson explains in another chapter, you will be exercising your “compassion” muscle, which helps you become even more empathetic in the future.

Your kids’ needs as number one
Nearly all parents say they put their kids’ happiness first. And it is probably true that they do intend to. The problem is that parents often don’t realize how much seemingly small things can impact children. So as a general note, before making any decision, ask yourself, “How will this affect my kids?” And if you find yourself thinking that they won’t notice, think again. It’s amazing how much children do pick up on problems between parents.

Keep kids out of quarrels
As I said in the last tip, kids notice things…and they are very impressionable. If you get mad and badmouth your child’s mother today, you may forget tomorrow, but your child will carry this confusion around for days, even years. Remember, kids are still forming their personal realities, and they are forming their view of the world as good or bad, a pleasant place to be, or a world where people fight and no one can be trusted. For these reasons, you must pay careful attention to not argue with your ex in your kids’ presence…and upstairs in their room (with their ear pressed to the door!) must be considered “in their presence.”

No negative talk
This cannot be stressed enough: You must not discuss your ex negatively in front of your kids. Period. And especially with your current partner. When you choose to become a parent, you surrender your right to behave selfishly and immaturely. So while the childish part of you may want your kids to dislike your ex and love your new love interest, you must refrain from acting on this damaging fantasy. Family is a child’s foundation, and a solid foundation creates for them a sense of safety in the world. Like it or not, your child’s family includes your ex. And when the time comes for him or her to ask why mommy and daddy don’t live together, you must be nothing short of diplomatic, focusing on how sometimes two nice people just aren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean that either is bad; rather they just don’t fit together.

Don’t involve your present partner
If you are in a serious relationship, at some point you will want your new mate to be involved with your children. This is great (when the time is right). However, there is no reason that your new mate must ever engage with your ex if he or she is an instigator. In fact, the less your ex sees of your new partner, the less opportunity they have to meddle. And if your ex tries to involve your mate, simply reaffirm that co-parenting occurs between the two of you, and the two of you alone. This means no asking your guy or gal to handle weekend drop-offs or Sunday night pick-ups, as this will only add fuel to your former flame’s fire. Remember, it’s your ex, and therefore your responsibility. You need to handle things in the least provoking way possible, at least until he or she moves on.

Don’t divulge details
And speaking of not provoking, no matter how much your ex pesters, don’t divulge details of your current relationship, either positive or negative. Gloating about your glorious weekend at a cushy couples’ resort or how splendidly your new mate is bonding with the baby will aggravate your ex’s jealousy, causing further anger and plans for payback; on the other hand, crying on your ex’s shoulder about a fight with your new partner gives him or her false hopes of a reconciliation.

Stand firm: scheduled encounters only
As I said in part one, sometimes an ex, in an effort to disrupt your life with your new love, will make excuses to unnecessarily see you; when you have children together, this can easily escalate. As stated before, it is important that you stand firm on only getting together at set times and dates, as strictly related to the kids. In other words, make a set schedule and stick to it. As soon as you make one exception and allow your ex to intrude on a personal level, you have granted them entry into your new relationship and given them the power to call the shots. Not only is this annoying for you, but your inability to set limits with your ex is certain to cause quarrelling between you and your new mate.

Pick your parenting battles
Raising children is hard in a healthy relationship. If you’ve got an ex who is looking to cause trouble, there are going to be seemingly endless disagreements regarding parenting protocol. Remember, he or she is trying to get a rise out of you; the more you keep calm, the less likely he or she is to continue. When it comes to parenting decisions, it would be great if you could keep the same rules in different households; however, in some cases, parents simply can’t come to an agreement on anything. If this is you, putting your child in the most peaceful atmosphere possible should be your goal: In other words, it’s better if they have different rules and schedules at the home of each parent than for you and your ex to be constantly quarrelling. In instances where you must make a choice together (for example, deciding who’s going to get the kids for Christmas), my advice is to pick your battles: Give in on as many things as possible; hold firm on those few that are fiercely important.

Count on compromise
In line with the above, if you’ve got an ex who is really keeping score, use this pettiness to your advantage. Identify, in advance, a few of your most significant desires; then, when your ex seeks your approval on something, simply suggest a compromise: Tell him or her that you are happy to accommodate them taking the kids on a trip during one of your weekends, but having the kids during your mother’s visit is something you’d like in return.

The law is the LAST resort
No matter how horrible your ex, try your best to work out problems between the two of you (using the above strategies) before seeking legal intervention. As I mentioned above, constant fighting—especially when it involves being dragged into court—is unbelievably harmful to your child’s mental health and future happiness. If you just can’t get your ex to ease up, a much better solution is to seek the help of your pastor or a couples’ counselor (you don’t have to currently be a couple) to guide you in coming to common ground.

Handling your partner’s former flames…when there’s offspring involved

If you are dealing with drama from the mother or father of your mate’s children, the same pointers and principles stated above apply to you: Practice Christian compassion by seeing the innocence in their actions, staying uninvolved, and banning the badmouthing in front of the kids.

One specific suggestion that merits mention is that you resist the urge to play “good cop” or undermine the children’s perception of their parent. By this I mean that when your guy or gal has an ex who seems set on sabotaging your relationship, it’s tempting to try and make the kids favor their time with you and your mate by getting them to view you as “fun” or “nice” mommy (or daddy). Of course if you think rationally about this, you know it’s selfish and damaging; because of this, the solution is to remain on the lookout for any immature acts on your own part. When you sense selfishness at work, instead take the high road—and the right road for the kids’ sake—by supporting the wishes of the other parent, regardless of your feelings for him or her on a personal level.

Finally, while I always state my hesitance in passing judgment, I feel obligated to mention that the crises of co-parenting with an ex are just additional reasons why we should wait until we are in a stable and fulfilling marriage in order to procreate. Yes, the Bible admonishes fornication (and procreation) outside of the vows of matrimony, which should be reason enough. But we are human, and we don’t always act as we should. So remember, not waiting to have kids until you are certain and committed means that you, your ex, your new partner, and most importantly, your children are going to bear the burden of your actions, forever. However, if you are in this situation, all chances for lasting love are not lost: Acting with kindness, compassion, calmness, and humility toward everyone involved is your best bet for raising well-adjusted children…while not allowing an invasive ex to ruin your chances for romance the second time around.

The thing to remember about problematic past partners is that while their behavior is somewhat out of your control, you can control how you deal with the drama. In fact, people often find that if both members of the new couple act with maturity and follow some simple pointers, their behavior can go a long way toward disarming the disaster-causing ex.

Handling your instigating ex

DO cut ties, communication, and co-ownership
I go into detail on this subject in a past post (see “Staying Friends with an Ex: No Problem…or No Chance of Progressing on with Your Life?” February 2008), but just to reiterate, staying friends with an ex is not fair to you, the former flame, or your current companion. Not only does it cause jealousy for your new mate, but it also keeps your previous partner from moving on and finding lasting love. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be completely pleasant if you happen to have a run-in, just that you can’t keep the ex as a platonic pal. And by this I mean no lunches, coffee clutches, or phone calls just to “catch up.” Finally, this means eliminating any potential reasons for continued contact. Unless you have kids together (which will be Part II of this post), make sure you handle the division of property and possessions sooner rather than letting this linger, thus giving him or her a reason to continue calling. All this may sound harsh, but it’s necessary: There are millions of fabulous friends in the world; you don’t need to rely on an ex for social interaction.

DO cut off contact with Christian kindness and compassion
Try to have this conversation in the most mature and openhearted manner possible. Consider meeting in-person and explaining that you have found someone and that it isn’t fair to any of you to continue communication. Be kind by explaining how you do enjoy their company and how you know they too will find someone special, particularly if they are free from your friendship. However, no matter how gently you go about things, be prepared that they may initially react by getting angry or defensive. Simply try to remain calm, stand firm (don’t fall prey to feeling guilty), and remind yourself that this is only their hurt feelings talking. Finally, keep reminding your ex and yourself, that what you are doing will ensure the greatest chance for future happiness…for everyone involved.

DO take the blame
One thing that may happen is that your ex will blame your current companion for “not letting you” be friends with them. This is the envious ex’s way of aligning you and him or her against your new flame. You mustn’t allow this to happen; instead, state definitively that this is your decision and your desire—again, not because you don’t enjoy their company, but because it will allow everyone to move on.

DON’T make exceptions
Often an ex will continue to call, citing some crisis or other reason for needing to converse or come by. You must be firm, as this is really a subconscious test on the part of your ex: They are testing whether or not you are serious in your intentions to move on. If you agree to see him or her even once, you are sending a mixed message: “I say we shouldn’t see one another, but I am willing to give in if you ask.” This puts the power in the hands of your ex to intrude when he or she sees fit. Just keep reminding yourself that the less you give in, the more quickly your ex will give up and get on with finding a flame of their own.

DO comfort without cruelty
It’s not uncommon that when a meddling ex is involved, the new partner needs extra reassurance. In this situation, it’s tempting to comfort your new flame by harshly putting down your past partner. Don’t. When a man or woman says mean things about any person (especially someone they previously had feelings for!) it makes us question his or her integrity. Even though at the time we may feel reassured, later we will likely wonder what that person might say about us if things don’t work out. So instead of focusing on the negative aspects of the ex, reassure your now-boyfriend or girlfriend by opening up about how fantastic you find them…the one you choose to be with now.

DO handle a run-in with benevolence and a brief introduction
If you happen to cross paths with your ex, be kind, compassionate…and brief. Tell them that it’s nice to see them, let them know that you sincerely hope they are happy, and then politely and pointedly end the conversation before they have a chance to get personal. If they ask about you and your new love, make it known that you are happy, but resist the urge to gush about your glorious new life. If your run-in includes your new flame, don’t avoid an introduction. It’s awkward enough; so don’t ignore the elephant in the room. Follow the previous protocol, adding a simple introduction, “Christina this is Tamara; Tamara, Christina.” Smile…then get out before anything goes astray.

Handling your partner’s former flames

DON’T blame your beau for bad behavior
If you blame your boy or girlfriend for bad behavior on the part of their ex, you are doing exactly what the ex is likely longing for, allowing him or her to drive a wedge between you and your new mate. Remember, your guy or gal is likely just as bothered by the butting in of their ex; so instead of placing blame, take this obstacle as an opportunity to grow closer and more connected as a couple by handling things as a team and not competitors.

DON’T let ex antics intrude
The bottom line is that you simply want to give the negative behavior as little attention as possible. Have an initial conversation about how your mate will address the behavior, let him or her have the one discussion with their ex, and then put it out of your minds…and your new lives together. Don’t constantly complain if the ex keeps calling—just know that if your mate continues to stand firm, their ex will realize he or she can’t provoke you or impact your relationship; the result is they’ll lose hope and move on.

DON’T flaunt if you find yourself face-to-face
In the event that you and your new partner run into the ex, follow the same advice as above: Be polite and be the bigger person. While it’s tempting to flaunt your happiness with some over-the-top, “he’s mine” PDA, this is just plain childish and the exact opposite of Christian compassion. Instead, simply say that you are happy to meet them, and then move on. It’s amazing how one mature act can really disarm an angry ex.

DO show your similarities and humanize yourself
It’s important to imagine how you would feel if you were the ex who had been rejected, which shouldn’t be hard, as most of us have been hurt and heartbroken at some stage in our single life. It’s also important to realize that your partner’s ex likely sees you as “the enemy” instead of someone who, just like he or she, is looking for love. Therefore, if the ex really persists in meddling, you can try showing them how you are humble, human, and have been in their position. When someone really opens up on a human level, it’s almost impossible not to feel wrong in trying to wreck their happiness. So if you feel you can do so in a genuine manner, say something to the effect of, “I know how you feel right now, as I’ve been in your shoes; I know you and Will shared something, and I know this must be hard for you. I hope you know that I’m just like you, looking to find the person who is right for me. You have a lot to offer, so I know that you will find someone who is perfect for you.”

The long and short of the situation is that whether you have a jealous former flame or you are dating someone with an instigator for an ex, the keywords to remember are maturity and mutual respect—you need to respect their feelings and treat him or her with compassion, and they must respect your relationship. And while you can’t force an ex to act appropriately, if you behave with maturity and kindness—but stand your ground on not letting them into your union—you will find that their desire to cause problems will deteriorate.

Meanwhile, taking the highroad may not guarantee your life will be devoid of drama, but it is your best defense against an ex coming between you and your new partner…plus, acting with maturity, respect, kindness, and compassion always makes you a better person in the eyes of your beloved, not to mention in the eyes of God.

Stay tuned for Part II—Handling an Invasive Ex…Keeping Your Cool When Co-parenting

I am speaking of real, day-to-day friends who continue to call each other, remain involved in one another’s lives, confide in each other, and spend time together regularly. It is this actively being friends that I am referring to . . . and recommending against.

Why would you stay friends with your ex?
In my opinion, if you are honest with yourself, there are only three reasons you would pursue a friendship with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend:

1. Admittedly or not, you are hoping to get back together.
2. Admittedly or not, you feel bad for them (because you know they are hoping to get back together). Maintaining a friendship eases your (unnecessary) guilt over ending the relationship.
3. You enjoy their company, and feel a genuine desire for their continued platonic companionship.

So what’s wrong with remaining friends with an ex?
Remaining emotionally and actively involved with an ex is problematic for two basic reasons: It creates false hope in the mind of the person who is still emotionally attached, and it keeps both people from moving on. As I mentioned above, when people continue a close platonic pal-ship after a breakup, it is often because one person is hoping that if they stay close, they’ll end up reconciling; meanwhile, the other person goes along with it either because they feel too guilty to cut things off or they simply like the attention and the ease of having someone around. This is particularly unhealthy for the one who is still emotionally invested, as it creates the illusion that they may reunite. After all, they feel, if we continue to spend enough time together, he/she will eventually realize they still love me . . . or at least won’t have the opportunity to meet someone else.

To make matters worse, this situation creates a very sad, unequal distribution of power. The person who is still attached is easily—often unconsciously—taken advantage of by the other (who has emotionally moved on). The reason for this, psychologically speaking, is that one person has nothing to lose—in this case because they don’t really care if the friendship lasts or not. Meanwhile, the other ex is willing to do almost anything to preserve the friendship, so they can continue to cling to the (false) hope of getting back together.

What usually ends up happening is that the emotionally attached party develops increasingly low self-esteem as the unaffected person continues to rebuff their attention and advances. Even worse is that, as time goes on, the unattached person will often subconsciously try to drive the other away by flirting with or blatantly talking about new romantic interests. In the end, jealousy usually gets the best of the invested person, fights start to erupt, and they end up parting ways on less-than-amicable terms . . . one with a self-image in need of repair and the other with a gut full of guilt.

In addition to the resentment and wounds to one’s self-worth, the biggest reason why remaining friends isn’t beneficial is because neither person is able to move on. In couples that fall into this pattern of hanging out after they’ve hung it up, it is very common that neither finds a new flame until they cut ties with one another. Part of the reason for this is the obvious: If they are always together, how are they going to be in a situation to meet potential mates? But more importantly, on an emotional level, they are engaging in a pseudo-relationship; their needs of companionship are being met, so they don’t have to feel the loneliness that would motivate them to get out and mingle.

But what if I just like their company?
It is very tempting to fall into this trap. Obviously you enjoyed each other’s company, or you wouldn’t have dated in the first place. However, it is important to weigh the positives against the negatives. The positive is that you will have one more platonic pal. The negatives are that someone’s going to get hurt feelings, a harmed self-image, and neither of you will be open to someone better suited. Remember, there are many wonderful potential friends in this world. If your circle isn’t wide enough, join a group or club of likeminded people (church groups or athletic associations are always great) and make some new mates. Believe me, the effort it takes to form a new friendship is worth the rewards you’ll reap by making yourself available to find real romance.

Is it ever okay to be friends with an ex?
I have very, very rarely known someone who has formed a solid, healthy platonic relationship with an ex. Of the extremely few people I have encountered, the unifying factors are these: They have waited until a significant amount of time has passed after the breakup to form the platonic relationship—once the dust has settled and feelings are back to baseline. Secondly (and here’s the kicker), they have usually waited until both are genuinely happy in other romantic relationships. While it would be nice to say that we could just ignore or rise above feelings of jealousy, resentment, and harmful hoping, as I always say, we are works in progress. So don’t chance it. I have literally seen people waste years, even a decade, of their lives floundering in pseudo-relationships with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, while they hope against hope it turns into something more.

As I often say, it really comes down to weighing the positives against the negatives and always putting your own (in this case, mental) health and safety first. While it’s a wonderful feeling to remain kind and compassionate toward our exes, in all reality, they shouldn’t be part of our new lives. In the end, the best outcomes happen when you wish them well . . . and then wish them on their way, while you leave yourself open to meet the mate God intended.