I have been dating my girlfriend for two years and over time she has gained about 50 pounds. She has always had a curvy body that I love and I don’t want her to be too skinny or no meat on her bones. I do love a woman’s body and curves. But as she gains more weight, I am definitely feeling less attracted to her. She says she feels bad about the way she looks and that she wants to lose the weight and get back to how she looked before. The problem is that she doesn’t really do anything to help such as diet or workout. I feel like as she gains more I am starting to look at other women and fantasize. I know this sounds horrible and I am embarrassed because I am a Christian and shouldn’t care how she looks, and I do believe I love her. Should I leave her or tell her she needs to lose weight or just hope that I can stay faithful?

Deconstruction

I am actually very happy that you brought up this topic (as well as thrilled for one of our brothers to be writing in!) This issue of weight gain is not uncommon, and it is important because it relates to a bigger issue: How much of a part does appearance play in Christian couplings…and as Believers, are we banned from expressing displeasure if our partner’s appearance changes for the worse over time?

The role of appearance in Christian Couples

Nicholle Williams (our Editor) recently wrote an insightful article about the part played by chemistry in Christian couplings (see “Think You’re ‘Too Christian’ to Care about Chemistry? Think Again,” August 2008). Her primary point is that, as Christians, we cannot make the mistake of thinking that we are somehow “above” being affected by appearance in choosing a romantic partner. While we are Believers, we are also human beings…and as such, physical attraction is going to play a part.

Importantly, however, she goes on to explain that chemistry is not all about objective “looks”; smell and pheromones and many other factors are involved, and what’s a knockout to one may be nothing special to another. That being said, when we choose someone to be our lifelong romantic partner, we are choosing them based in part on the fact that we find them physically attractive. So while I would certainly advise anyone to put the greatest emphasis on traits like kindness, compassion, spirituality, sense of humor, generosity, and motivation, when picking a partner, physical attraction is part of the puzzle; to deny its place is, as Nicholle says, setting “yourself up for a life of fighting off the urge to stray.”

Relational agreements: “I promise to stay somewhat the same”

To analyze this issue of our partners changing physically, we should start by looking at the implicit agreements we make when we enter into a relationship of any kind. While, obviously, romantic relationships are distinctly different than business contracts, they are, nonetheless, agreements of a sort, and they carry with them certain overt and covert understandings; one of these understandings is that neither person will change too much from the person we promised to be with.

When we think about it from a behavioral standpoint, it makes immediate sense: If our partner begins acting or treating us totally different than they did at the onset, most people would agree we are justified in asking them to change back, and if they don’t, looking at leaving as a last resort. For example, many women complain that their husbands or boyfriends stop doing romantic things once they are together for some time; and I feel this is a valid complaint. From the male viewpoint, if someone pairs up with an easygoing gal who becomes a non-stop nagger once they get serious, I don’t think we’d just expect him to handle it. If you think about it, we fall in love with someone based on a constellation of characteristics…we choose them based on these traits, and we expect they will not deviate too much from them.

In my opinion, one’s appearance is not so different. Sure, our partner announcing that they are changing faiths or have changed their minds about children certainly ranks higher on the scale of unacceptable alterations than, say, gaining weight or going blond. However, as I keep reiterating, significant alterations—and a 50-pound weight gain is one—do, on some level, violate our covert couple’s contract.

In or out of one’s control and putting forth effort to please our partners

Aside from this notion of staying similar to the person we met, there is another issue at work here: This is the aspect of something being within our control versus outside of our control and our decision to do things (when we can) to please our partners.

When we talk about people “losing their looks,” couples typically turn to one another and ask, “Would you still love me if I got in a disfiguring accident?” “What if I became ill and gained 100 pounds?” “Will you be attracted to me when I’m 70 and sagging all over the place?” They quizzically and concernedly pose to their partners these scenarios because they are looking for reassurance that the other’s love is deep enough to withstand the wearing away of one’s attractiveness or that it is not the only reason they find them fabulous.

And while most anyone—certainly anyone with the depth and compassion of a Christian—will answer in the affirmative, there is something similar about all of these situations: The change in the person’s appearance is due to factors outside of their control. And this is an important distinction. On the other hand, when someone simply stops taking care of themselves or no longer puts effort into maintaining their appearance, their partner often reads this as a direct disregard for their desires. They feel as if their partner’s actions (or lack of action) says, “I don’t care that much about pleasing you” or “I feel so comfortable that I no longer need to be concerned about making you happy.” It actually becomes more than a plain-and-simple appearance issue. If you think about it, it’s not much different than the wife who explains to her husband that it makes things much easier for her when he takes out the trash on time, yet he continues to ignore her request; it seems, to the partner being disregarded, that their spouse takes them for granted or isn’t interested in expending effort to please them.

Sincere support and affirmative actions

So while I’ve defended your desire to have your girlfriend return to her original appearance (or close to it), this does not mean you can ignore the fact that for many women (and men) losing weight is a very difficult undertaking. And since overeating is often tied to emotional issues, the more you nag or make her feel unloved and unsupported, the more she will actually be tempted to chow down on chocolate and chips!

Therefore, the key is to build her up to help her weight come down. Start by telling her how much you love her, find her beautiful, and understand how hard it is to lose weight. But also point out that while you of course feel she’s still attractive, you picked her as a partner because of her whole package…and part of that perfect package was her amazing appearance. Also stress that a weight gain of 50 pounds, on anyone, is not healthy, and that since you plan on spending your lives together (assuming you do), you want to make sure you have a lifetime together. Finally, point out that if the situation were reversed, you would trust her to tell you if she found a change in your appearance or actions less than desirable. Explain to her also that you know she is not happy with her current weight, and more than anything, you want a happy, healthy woman in your life!

Once you’ve had the heart to heart, the next step is to put a plan together…for both of you. If you’re like the vast majority of Americans, you could probably stand to lose a few pounds yourself, firm up, or at least increase your cardiovascular activity level. Studies consistently show that everyone should be engaging in regular activity and eating a diet consisting primarily of lean proteins, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables (albeit with the occasional treat or junk food indulgence). So even if you are one of the few who can gorge on greasy food and still remain slim, it will catch up with you eventually from a health perspective. Finally, it’s been shown that those with supportive spouses who engage in a weight loss plan with them have more success than those who have to go it alone. So map out an activity plan together and fill both your fridges with healthy fare.

Most importantly, don’t forget to cut her some slack during the process. It’s not uncommon for people who are giving up excessive sugar consumption or daily doses of Doritos to become temporarily irritable, and frustrated if results don’t come rapidly. So make sure to empathize with the emotional ups and downs of dieting. And keep the compliments coming! Show your support by regularly acknowledging how hard she’s trying and how difficult it is to stick to a diet…but how hot she looks as she returns to her healthier weight.

But what if…

Before I wrap things up, I will address the concern I know you are contemplating…what if she doesn’t? What if she continues to gain weight, and you continue to find yourself less attracted to her and more interested in other women? To this I say the following: Try your best to focus on the other wonderful (and beautiful) qualities your girlfriend possesses. Talk to a trusted pastor, and look to prayer to light your way. In the event that all else fails, and you simply can’t rediscover the romantic relationship, it is your right to move on. It is not, however, your right to be unfaithful.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

I’m 29 years old single lady with one child.  I met my partner six months ago.  He is a very sweet, kind and humble person who owns a franchise.  When I met this guy my life had no sense of direction because I was lonely.  My activities were involving my church and my family only, so I suppose I took him as a saver.  But in the middle of the relationship, I discovered that he is staying with his two kids and the mother of the kids.  I confronted him about it and he said they are not married but it’s complicated because they have been involved for more than 5 years.

I underestimated the power of this friendship because of my spiritual faith and my principles. This man is my friend and my brother, because he is the light in front of my feet every day.  Everything that he is doing he wants me to be there, and for every occasion of his life he wants me by his side.  When I have a problem he solves it for me.  We talk every day more that 2 times ever since we met.  I once tried to lay him off because our friendship was getting too serious, but I was so hurt and I had to apologize to him.

He picks me up from work, to school, from school to home where I stay with my mom.  He loves his kids more than anything, and he is always there for them anytime. This guy dedicates his time to everything that he loves, but he is not happy where he is and I can’t tell him to go out.  He never sleeps away from his house.

I really love him and I want what’s best for him.  Should I stay away or stay as his friend?  My other problem is that I can’t have a partner, because we are always together and everybody thinks we are partners and no man is proposing just to distract me from him.  I respect him so much, and I don’t want to hurt him more that he is now.

Deconstruction

As you probably know in your gut what you need to do, you shouldn’t be shocked by my advice.  You asked whether you should stay friends or stay away.  Quite simply, if you want the best chance for a fulfilled future with him (or anyone else) you need to stay away while he sorts out his situation.

But you know me better than that: I’m not just gonna leave you with a whopper and walk away.  In order to summon the strength to protect yourself, you need to understand the situation and what will be the likely outcome if you stay involved.

What’s really going on?

Let’s start with him.  The way you explain it, he doesn’t even deny an emotional attachment to his ex.  When a man says his relationship with an ex is “complicated,” what he really means is there is still some sort of an emotional connection…and probably a physical one too.  Don’t be fooled: Just because he is spending time with you doesn’t mean he no longer has feelings for her.

If you look at it logically, there is no reason to live together if they are truly over.  He has an income, and he can therefore get his own place.  I understand he loves his children, but there is a whole world full of exes who are co-parenting kids from separate residences, with both remaining very involved.  If this man were really ready to move on, he would stop at nothing to move out.

Now, on to you.  The thing that strikes me most about your letter is your constant concern for his wellbeing; but you make no mention of what will make you happy…or be best for your child.  The problem, it appears, is that both of you are protecting his feelings, but no one is looking out for yours.

You mention that before you met him you were lonely and “took him as a savor.”  I know it’s tempting when we’re alone to latch onto someone to save us…but you know in your heart there is only one who can save you—two if you include yourself.  When we look to someone outside ourselves to save us, we give up our power to provide our own happiness.

Secondly, you are only 29-years-old; you have your whole life ahead of you!  You are really selling yourself short if you think this is the last man who’ll want to be with you.  Or that being someone’s number two is the best you’re gonna get.

Decision strategy: Thinking things through to their logical conclusion

To use this strategy, you take the two alternate courses of action and mentally follow through to what will likely be the end result or worst-case scenario of each.

In your situation, there are two paths you can follow at this point: You can either continue as you are with this man or you can cut things off until/unless he ceases sleeping and/or living under the same roof as his ex.  (For the record, there is no in between: You are deluding yourself if you think reducing your communication to the occasional is a third option; believe me, this will fall back into a friendship and continue to keep you from meeting others…in other words, choosing this is choosing to continue as you are.)

In making up your mind, you must start from the truth: This man either loves you and wants to be with you, or he doesn’t.  Whether you wait around or tell him to find you when he’s left his previous partner won’t change what is.  He can’t continue forever living with one woman and engaging in a serious relationship with another.  So regardless of your actions, he will eventually either be back with her or be with you.  The question is simply this: Will you protect your heart, needs, and future happiness (and that of your child) or the immediate wants of this man?

If we follow option a. (staying together) through to its logical conclusion, the best outcome is that he eventually moves out and starts a life with you.  The likely outcome is that he spends months—or even years—stuck in this in-between, since you are making it simple for him to do so.  Eventually, you will reach your breaking point and end things, angry with yourself for wasting the best years of your life waiting and for putting your child through the anguish of attachment and consequent feelings of abandonment.

If we follow alternative b. (walking away), the best outcome would be that this forces him to change his situation and end his emotional attachment to his ex…a more probable outcome if he’s unable to have you in the meantime.  Therefore, with regard to the positive, you’re actually more likely to get what you want if you leave.

However, the real difference is in the worst-case scenario.  If you walk away and he doesn’t decide to follow, you’ve only given him a short six months of your life.  And, you’ve learned that you can find love!  In this instance, this man’s purpose would have been preparing you for the right partner.

Situation summary

The bottom line is that a man can only lie down with one woman at night.  Right now, that woman is her, and unfortunately, there’s no way to force it to be you.

I understand you feel you’ve found a gem in this man, and this may well be true.  But if he continues living with his ex, he’s either somebody else’s gem, or he’s not of the same moral character you’d imagined.

The most important point, however, is that whatever the outcome, it is what God intended.  When we are in love, it’s easy to forget that if we have faith, if we “let go and let God,” we will win either way; in your case, if this man stays with his ex, it is because he was not meant for you.  Essentially, there is someone else still out there.  Struggle against what’s meant to be, and you will never be open to receive your intended treasures.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

A few years ago when my daughter was young I worked as a stripper (for about three years).  I am a Christian and not proud of this fact, but I did what I had to do to provide for my baby as a single parent.  Also I never engaged in any sexual stuff with customers, like some of the women did.  I actually did what people joke about and “put myself through school” and now I work at a hospital as an administrator.  I have not dated much since my daughter was born but I recently met a man that I really like.  We have been on two dates and talked for endless hours on the phone.  But I haven’t told him about the dancing.  He is a Christian too and I guess I am scared he’ll judge me.  At what point is it right to let him know?

Deconstruction

It’s a fine line between telling sensitive stuff too soon and withholding so long the man wonders why you didn’t spill sooner.  Therefore, you are on the right track by realizing that you must mention it at some point…some point between the first date and walking down the aisle, that is.

That being said, I feel strongly that you not discuss sensitive details of your past during initial dates.  Here’s why…

Your past doesn’t define you
You mention that, as a Christian man, you hope he won’t judge you for your past occupation.  While this is a valid concern (see below), telling too soon makes it more of an issue than it is.

One reason you are probably feeling pressured to tell is because you think that in getting acquainted, this is something he should know in order to know you.  However, this would imply that what you did to get by, in some essential way, defines the person you are—more specifically, the person you are today.  It doesn’t…or at least not to a degree that is pertinent during early dating.  More importantly, it definitely doesn’t mean the woman he is seeing is somehow a lie.

You shouldn’t bear shame
Telling too soon signifies that you carry shame about your past.  Divulging this information to someone you are only starting to spend time with says, “I have something horrible in my past.  I better let you know right off the bat, because it’s so bad that I need to give you the option to escape to safety.”

While I’m being sarcastic, you need to consider your stint as a stripper as such: While it may not have been the best decision, it was a decision you made at the time, to support your daughter and facilitate a future for yourself.  You did not hurt anyone, and you did not succumb to the lifestyle of open sexuality for extra cash.  You used it as a means to an end, and you moved on.  Done.  Over.  Furthermore, it is something that helped you become the woman you are today.  Part of this is serenely accepting your past and the fact that you—like all of us—are a work in progress…as opposed to spilling too soon out of fear and shame.

First impressions put you in a box…
And it’s nearly impossible to break out.  So although I believe that the right man will not judge the person you are now based on your past profession, you need to give him a minute to find out who you are first.  If he hears “stripper” before he has a sense of you, he may subconsciously make the rest of his impressions match the label.

Reveal yourself in stages
Telling a man sensitive details of your past too soon falls under what the authors of Marriable: Taking the Desperate Out of Dating refer to as “TMI: too much information.”  This book, written by Christian man and wife Hayley and Michael DiMarco, elaborates on a principle I strongly support: Spilling all your secrets too early in the dating process is dangerous for a budding romance.  Not only does it go against the fact that men are more comfortable when women reveal themselves little by little, it sets you up for an emotional fall.

According to Marriable, women who divulge everything about themselves during initial dates are “giving up their emotional virginity.”  The DiMarcos go on to say, “…they give away every ounce of themselves emotionally, and the result is the same as giving themselves up sexually—they are exposed and vulnerable to so much pain and heartache if and when the relationship ends.”  In your situation, this means protecting yourself by keeping your past private a little longer.

He must earn your intimacy
The best argument in favor of waiting a bit before opening up is that this man needs to earn your trust before you hand over your heart by confiding everything about yourself and your experiences.  The fact that you were a stripper does not impact him from a health or safety perspective; therefore, it falls under the category of something you will tell him in confidence…when he has proven himself worthy the privilege of your emotional intimacy.

So when should you reveal?

While the above underscores why you should wait past the first few dates to tell this man about your past, the question still lingers: When should you tell?  My answer is this: When it becomes his business.  And that is when you are in a committed relationship that has the potential to be serious.  While assigning an exact amount of time is difficult, I’d say it shouldn’t be less than a month, but would likely not be more than six.

I hope this answers your question, and helps further your respect for yourself and your past.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

I am engaged to a wonderful Christian man and we are getting married in June.  We get along very well and attend the same church and our families even get along good.  The one thing that we’ve always had an issue with is money because he likes to spend whenever either of us have or make extra money and I would rather save (not that I don’t buy ANYTHING but just not expensive things).  Like he got a bonus at work and he wanted to take a vacation and he bought himself a watch that was pretty expensive.  I know it was his bonus but we still have some credit card debt.  I think that any extra money should go to that and then once it’s paid into a savings account in case one of us loses our job in this economy.  With the wedding in June we are going to have to combine our income and agree on whether to spend or save.  I’m worried this will cause us to fight, because right now we can still make our own decisions as far as what to do with our “own” money.  How can we get on the right track?  What do other people do?

Deconstruction

You probably know that most studies rank “money issues” as either number one or two on the list of the top five things couples argue about (with sex occupying the alternate spot of course).  Therefore, your desire to find a solution before the spend-or-save issue actually bites you in the you-know-what is a wise move.

Since you seem so well suited for one another, all you really need are a few suggestions to help things flow smoothly between a saver and a spendthrift.  Read on for what I feel are the four most essential…

#1 Gain perspective and compassion by discovering the source
Since this suggestion is not actually about how to handle money, some may see it as unimportant.  However, in my opinion, it is the single most important thing you can do to decrease disagreements about money.  To explain it, I will look to the following example.

I know a couple who used to fight constantly about this same issue, as just like you, the man liked to spend lavishly, while the woman wanted to put everything away for a rainy day.  They had one child and made a decent living, but not nearly enough to be considered wealthy or even completely comfortable.  Also like you, they got along well in all other aspects, but their fighting about saving versus spending got so bad they sought the help of a therapist to address the problem.

While they went into counseling asking for “strategies” and “tools” for managing their money, what they learned about each other was what really turned things around in their relationship.  The therapist did with them what I am suggesting you do (alone or with a therapist or pastor).  He asked each partner to really open up and explain to the other what they feared about his/her way of handling money.  The result was that, while the man had been angrily labeling the woman as “cheap,” he learned she had a deep-rooted fear of falling victim to the financial problems of her parents—who had been quite wealthy for most of her childhood, until in her adolescence, materialism and improper money management caused them to lose everything and eventually divorce.  Even though her husband had known this about her, he had no idea how much it was a constant concern.

Meanwhile, the man—whom the woman had been judging for his frivolous spending—had always felt guilty for not being able to provide for his wife the way her father had when she was a girl.  Because of this, he was determined to take care of the family in a manner that was actually to their detriment.

I share this story, because once the spouses realized the source of the other’s spending/saving, they developed both perspective and compassion.  The next time the husband wanted to buy something out of their budget, his wife lovingly suggested something less expensive and let him know how much the token meant to her.  On the other hand, the husband learned to support his wife by reminding her they were not her parents and reassuring her they would be fine, financially.  She relaxed and, as a result, became a bit looser about saving every cent.

Therefore, my first suggestion is that you and your fiancée have a candid conversation about what each fears and what each is hoping to gain by sticking rigidly to his/her current saving/spending regimen.

#2 Devise a system to avoid daily discussions of money
Here’s where the tools and techniques come into play.  And while I’m certainly not a financial planner, I know there are going to be problems if every purchase or extra few bucks must be analyzed and approved by a committee of two.  Therefore, I suggest developing a standard system for how spending and saving are handled for day-to-day items.

You will decide for yourselves, or with the help of a financial professional, how exactly you set things up (and what amounts go where).  But the basic idea is that every month a certain percentage of each person’s paycheck goes into an account that will pay for your monthly expenses (food, rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.), and a certain percentage (on which you’ll have to compromise) will initially be put towards paying off your debt and eventually go into a joint savings account.

While this next part will be the topic of another article, one modern method advises that (after the bills and essentials are paid) you designate a certain amount of what you cumulatively make to go into separate, personal accounts.  With this money—which should be the same for both regardless of who earns what—each can opt to spend or save as they please.  If he chooses to spend his, fine; if you want some extra savings, that’s fine too.  The point is that purchases made out of this money need not come up for discussion.

#3 But, confer and compromise on significant purchases and sums of money
You mentioned above that you and your honey currently decide separately how each will spend his/her individual money…which is the norm for unmarried couples.  But now that you are tying the knot, I don’t suggest you keep all monies separate.

Instead, my advice is that you employ some version of the method above, but make a joint decision on significant expenses or sums of money.  In this scenario, when either of you receives a bonus or other windfall of  sorts, you decide as a couple how to spend or save it…keeping the wishes of both members in mind.  For example, in the case of your fiancée’s bonus, maybe you agree that you will put half towards debt, savings, or other necessities, then use the remaining portion to buy something fun for the house or let each select a personal purchase.

The important part is that neither feels like the other has sole control over whether money gets saved or spent.  On the contrary, regardless of who made the money, each should have an equal say as to how it is most appropriately put to use.

#4 Give in when something is truly important to your partner
The disclaimer here is that you don’t want to do this too frequently (or you’ll go broke), and you can only employ this suggestion when it is financially feasible.  That being said, keep your heart open to the (at times silly-sounding) desires of your mate; when you sense a certain purchase would really make him happy, support the splurge!  The positive feelings it will perpetuate in your relationship can often mean more than a few extra bucks in your bank account.

The last thing I advise is that you see the positive in your opposing styles of spending.  While it might initially seem something to overcome, it’s actually a benefit when you analyze the alternatives.  When two savers get together, there is sometimes no fun; when two spendthrifts couple up, it’s hard to achieve financial stability.  In your case, however, the blessing is that you balance each other out!  If you follow these general guidelines, you should be on the path to a sound (and peaceful!) financial future.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

My friend has been with a man for a few years (they have one baby together), and about three months ago she discovered that he was looking at porn a lot online.  She confronted him on it and he admitted that he can’t stop himself (those were his actual words) and that he tries to avoid those sites but he keeps going back.  Of course my friend thinks it has to do with how he feels about her.  He claims he loves her and doesn’t want to cheat and wouldn’t.  I have told my friend that as a Christian she should leave this man who sins daily.  But she says she really loves him and wants to try to work it out.  Can you help tell her (and me) what’s really going on and what you think she should do?

Deconstruction

While I’m sorry for your friend’s situation, I’m glad you are addressing this subject, because the online porn problem—and more specifically, the online porn addiction issue—is much more widespread than one might imagine…and it doesn’t discriminate.  In other words, yes, even Christian men and women are at risk.

The lifestyle site Straight.com sums up the prevalence with some shocking statistics (taken from Internet product-review website TopTenReviews.com):

•    40 million American adults regularly visit online porn sites
•    20% of American men admit to viewing online porn at work
•    10% of American adults confess to having an addiction to cybersex
•    There are 4.2 million pornographic websites
•    There are 68 million pornographic search-engine requests per day

Contrary to what you might think, with regard to the Christian community, the stats are even more striking.  Statistics cited by BlazingGrace.org (an affiliate of UrbanMinistry.org) confirm that Christian men and women are no less drawn to Internet pornography than non-Believers:

•    According to a 2006 ChristiaNet poll, reported by MarketWire.com, 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography
•    According to a 2000 poll of five Christian college campuses conducted by the National Coalition to Protect Children and Families, 48% of men admit to using porn, with 68% confessing they have logged on to a pornographic site while at the school
•    According to Roger Charman of Focus on the Family’s Pastoral Ministries, 20% of calls to their Pastoral Care Line are seeking help for problems including the use of porn and compulsive sexual behavior
•    According to a 1996 Promise Keepers survey conducted during one of their stadium events, over 50% of males in attendance had accessed some type of pornography within a week of the gathering
•    According to a 2000 Christianity Today article, 33% of clergy members confessed to having accessed a sexually-explicit website, with 53% of that group admitting to visiting these types of sites a few times within the last year, and 15% stating they view sexually-explicit websites between a couple times a month and in excess of once a week
•    According to the online newsletter Today’s Christian Woman, 34% of their readers admit to viewing pornography online
•    According to a 2003 Focus on the Family poll, 47% of families say porn is a problem in their household

Christians and online porn: less censure, more solutions

I have to admit, I am a bit surprised by these figures myself!  I certainly didn’t think Christians were immune to the pull of pornography, but this data paints a picture of your friend’s problem being even more prevalent than I had imagined.

The reason I am citing these stats is not to claim that all (or even most) Christians are more interested in pornography than the general population.  The reason I am using this data is to address something you state in your question: that your friend’s man “sins daily.”  I am as aware as you that if we turn to the Bible, it would be hard to argue that certain passages confirm it’s a sin to lust or look at another man’s woman naked.  So if we want to get on our judgmental high horse, we could wrap things up right here: He’s a sinner, and she should leave him.  Period.  However, saying this begs the question of, “For whom?”  Should she leave him for someone who is free from sin??  Good luck.

So what I am suggesting is that we explore his issue with a bit more compassion and an increased emphasis on seeking solutions, judging him less by his compulsive behavior and more by how willing he is to make amends and seek help to stop it.  Because from what you say, it sounds like he has crossed over from casual viewing to can’t-stop viewing.

When actions become addiction

I’m certainly not condoning looking at porn period; whether your friend’s man watches the occasional DVD is between the two of them—and to what degree that is damaging to a normal, healthy, Christian relationship is another article altogether.  But the fact he says he tries to avoid the sites, but can’t control himself tells me he has a problem.

While it sounds almost comical to say someone has a “sex addiction,” the issue is really no laughing matter.  As with other addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, overeating, etc.) men and women who suffer from sexual addiction can find themselves jeopardizing those things that matter most.

More specifically, according to the Sexual Recovery Institute (www.SexualRecovery.com), signs of porn addiction can include the following:

•    An inability to stop the behavior(s) despite previous attempts to do so
•    Anger or irritability if asked to stop
•    Hiding or attempting to keep secret all or a part of the porn use
•    Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequences (like a relationship or job loss)
•    Getting lost in the problem use (i.e. spending more time than intended or losing track of time)

Internet porn addicts: Are their partners part of the problem?

Another issue is how your friend feels, as when someone suffers a sexual addiction (especially to something outside the relationship like porn or cybersex), their partner’s ego can take a hard hit.  In your friend’s case, she admits to worrying about her boyfriend’s feelings for her.  However, the truth is his compulsive actions have nothing to do with some shortcoming on the part of your friend; as we’ve seen in the media, men who suffer from cybersex addictions can be married to some of the most beautiful and successful women in the world!  So it’s important that your friend remember, her partner’s problem is not related to a lack of love or an absence of attraction to her.

Furthermore, when it comes to porn and cheating, industry wisdom says that whether a man has been faithful in the past is the most accurate predictor of whether he will be faithful in the future…not whether he looks at porn.  So with regard to fidelity, if her partner hasn’t strayed yet, she probably has little cause for concern.  But all of this doesn’t change the fact that she has every right to feel uncomfortable about his issue…and demand he deal with it.

How to proceed with the problem

The first step is for your friend to approach her man openly and honestly, at a time when they are not fighting, and calmly broach the topic of addiction.  Discuss with him some of these signs and ask how he feels about talking to someone.  Explain to him that she does not judge or look down on him, but neither can she simply accept this behavior as part of their relationship.

From here, the ball is in his court, as she cannot force him to find help.  If he is not willing to address the issue, my advice is for her to move on.  It’s more complicated since they have a child together, but without him working to get better, your friend will always be uneasy.

On the other hand, he may be willing to work through his issue; the fact that he is already being honest is a good indicator.  If he is, it’s her choice whether she wants to support him through the process.  If she feels very resentful or doesn’t trust his promises, she might consider taking some time apart while he gets help, then reassessing the situation in a few months.

As for your role as her confidante, I suggest you help her take a compassionate view, evaluating the relationship in its entirety rather than by this one issue.  Should she decide there are enough positives to make supporting him worthwhile, she’s going to need some support of her own…which is where you come in.  If she decides she can’t get over it—or if he isn’t open to making changes—once again, your role should be to provide strength and acceptance (not moral accusation) while she goes through the process of grieving and getting on with her life.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina