I’m 29 years old single lady with one child.  I met my partner six months ago.  He is a very sweet, kind and humble person who owns a franchise.  When I met this guy my life had no sense of direction because I was lonely.  My activities were involving my church and my family only, so I suppose I took him as a saver.  But in the middle of the relationship, I discovered that he is staying with his two kids and the mother of the kids.  I confronted him about it and he said they are not married but it’s complicated because they have been involved for more than 5 years.

I underestimated the power of this friendship because of my spiritual faith and my principles. This man is my friend and my brother, because he is the light in front of my feet every day.  Everything that he is doing he wants me to be there, and for every occasion of his life he wants me by his side.  When I have a problem he solves it for me.  We talk every day more that 2 times ever since we met.  I once tried to lay him off because our friendship was getting too serious, but I was so hurt and I had to apologize to him.

He picks me up from work, to school, from school to home where I stay with my mom.  He loves his kids more than anything, and he is always there for them anytime. This guy dedicates his time to everything that he loves, but he is not happy where he is and I can’t tell him to go out.  He never sleeps away from his house.

I really love him and I want what’s best for him.  Should I stay away or stay as his friend?  My other problem is that I can’t have a partner, because we are always together and everybody thinks we are partners and no man is proposing just to distract me from him.  I respect him so much, and I don’t want to hurt him more that he is now.

Deconstruction

As you probably know in your gut what you need to do, you shouldn’t be shocked by my advice.  You asked whether you should stay friends or stay away.  Quite simply, if you want the best chance for a fulfilled future with him (or anyone else) you need to stay away while he sorts out his situation.

But you know me better than that: I’m not just gonna leave you with a whopper and walk away.  In order to summon the strength to protect yourself, you need to understand the situation and what will be the likely outcome if you stay involved.

What’s really going on?

Let’s start with him.  The way you explain it, he doesn’t even deny an emotional attachment to his ex.  When a man says his relationship with an ex is “complicated,” what he really means is there is still some sort of an emotional connection…and probably a physical one too.  Don’t be fooled: Just because he is spending time with you doesn’t mean he no longer has feelings for her.

If you look at it logically, there is no reason to live together if they are truly over.  He has an income, and he can therefore get his own place.  I understand he loves his children, but there is a whole world full of exes who are co-parenting kids from separate residences, with both remaining very involved.  If this man were really ready to move on, he would stop at nothing to move out.

Now, on to you.  The thing that strikes me most about your letter is your constant concern for his wellbeing; but you make no mention of what will make you happy…or be best for your child.  The problem, it appears, is that both of you are protecting his feelings, but no one is looking out for yours.

You mention that before you met him you were lonely and “took him as a savor.”  I know it’s tempting when we’re alone to latch onto someone to save us…but you know in your heart there is only one who can save you—two if you include yourself.  When we look to someone outside ourselves to save us, we give up our power to provide our own happiness.

Secondly, you are only 29-years-old; you have your whole life ahead of you!  You are really selling yourself short if you think this is the last man who’ll want to be with you.  Or that being someone’s number two is the best you’re gonna get.

Decision strategy: Thinking things through to their logical conclusion

To use this strategy, you take the two alternate courses of action and mentally follow through to what will likely be the end result or worst-case scenario of each.

In your situation, there are two paths you can follow at this point: You can either continue as you are with this man or you can cut things off until/unless he ceases sleeping and/or living under the same roof as his ex.  (For the record, there is no in between: You are deluding yourself if you think reducing your communication to the occasional is a third option; believe me, this will fall back into a friendship and continue to keep you from meeting others…in other words, choosing this is choosing to continue as you are.)

In making up your mind, you must start from the truth: This man either loves you and wants to be with you, or he doesn’t.  Whether you wait around or tell him to find you when he’s left his previous partner won’t change what is.  He can’t continue forever living with one woman and engaging in a serious relationship with another.  So regardless of your actions, he will eventually either be back with her or be with you.  The question is simply this: Will you protect your heart, needs, and future happiness (and that of your child) or the immediate wants of this man?

If we follow option a. (staying together) through to its logical conclusion, the best outcome is that he eventually moves out and starts a life with you.  The likely outcome is that he spends months—or even years—stuck in this in-between, since you are making it simple for him to do so.  Eventually, you will reach your breaking point and end things, angry with yourself for wasting the best years of your life waiting and for putting your child through the anguish of attachment and consequent feelings of abandonment.

If we follow alternative b. (walking away), the best outcome would be that this forces him to change his situation and end his emotional attachment to his ex…a more probable outcome if he’s unable to have you in the meantime.  Therefore, with regard to the positive, you’re actually more likely to get what you want if you leave.

However, the real difference is in the worst-case scenario.  If you walk away and he doesn’t decide to follow, you’ve only given him a short six months of your life.  And, you’ve learned that you can find love!  In this instance, this man’s purpose would have been preparing you for the right partner.

Situation summary

The bottom line is that a man can only lie down with one woman at night.  Right now, that woman is her, and unfortunately, there’s no way to force it to be you.

I understand you feel you’ve found a gem in this man, and this may well be true.  But if he continues living with his ex, he’s either somebody else’s gem, or he’s not of the same moral character you’d imagined.

The most important point, however, is that whatever the outcome, it is what God intended.  When we are in love, it’s easy to forget that if we have faith, if we “let go and let God,” we will win either way; in your case, if this man stays with his ex, it is because he was not meant for you.  Essentially, there is someone else still out there.  Struggle against what’s meant to be, and you will never be open to receive your intended treasures.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

I’ve been going out with a man for 5 or 6 years. He and I are both divorced. Prior to meeting him, I had been out of a painful relationship for a year and had not dated anyone (that relationship was not my marriage). Anyway, I met him while having some physical pain. He helped me through it. I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me. Well, we started the relationship from that. There were many conflicts as well as good times we had together. As the years came and went, my relationship with Christ grew deeper. Our Christian values are even more different. I must admit, I kind of felt they were different in the beginning. He professes to be a Christian as well. I’ve tried to break it off with this man many times, but he continued to pursue me until he won me over. I feel a shame to say that, but I really don’t know what else to do. I have pretty much done just about every tip you mentioned (this was before I’ve had the opportunity to read your tips) and still no avail. I also feel ashamed to admit that I just gave in because it was easier than fighting. I’ve been praying and waiting for things to change. I must say that some things have changed but there is so much more that needs to change. I don’t honestly feel he’s the one! I want to truly meet my Christian soul mate. I’m asking for your prayers for my situation.

Deconstruction

I’ll not only pray for your situation; I’ll deconstruct it, as I feel that you are in a relationship relatable to many women and men out there…Christian men and women in particular.

Identifying the issues

Upon first reading about your relationship, it was a bit unclear to me exactly why it’s not working.  However, after rereading your situation closely, it came to me what is going on: It seems as if you simply don’t feel a serious, soul-to-soul connection to him…and you likely never did; but he helped you through a tough time, and you feel a major sense of obligation.

I’m sure that incongruent Christian beliefs definitely play a part in why you’ve never felt really right with this man.  And I’m betting what went down was that you were going through a rough patch when you met him—experiencing both physical pain as well as the lingering pain from your previous relationship.  Regardless of varying values, he helped you through it: He provided strength and support and helped bring you back to life.  And for this, you feel, he deserves to be repaid…or at the very least, remained with.

See, as Christians, we feel an especially enormous sense of obligation and commitment.  We are taught to try to be good people, and this means caring about how others feel and focusing on fairness: Someone does something for you; you do something in return.  But this doesn’t include giving someone your life, your happiness, your opportunity for true love and joy.

As you say, “I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me.”  If this is what you believe, it is only fair, you feel, you should give God something back, by giving this man what he wants…you.  But this has gone on long enough.  It’s time to let yourself off the hook and seek real serenity.

Utilizing your God-given gut instincts

Of course, your sense of obligation might only be part of the puzzle.  You may also be struggling with fears about what your life will be like after more than five years as part of a couple.  This is both normal and natural.  But it can lead you to second guess your decision to start a life on your own; it can lead you to uncertainty such as, “Is there really someone out there better for me?” or, “What if I leave him and miss him and feel I’ve made a mistake?”

Leaving a long-term relationship is a serious step.  In fact, this subject was addressed in the recent article “As a Christian Man or Woman, When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship?” In it, Nicholle Williams discusses the decision and offers 12 factors for consideration when contemplating whether to terminate a relationship.  She also refers to an exercise that I have found incredibly useful when faced with a life-changing decision: It involves alternately visualizing each version of your life as if you’d already chosen one outcome or the other, then focusing on the feelings in the pit of your stomach.

And speaking of feelings in the pit of your stomach, these feelings—or as I call them “God-given gut instincts”—are really the most important part of honestly assessing what will make you happy.  If you can quiet your mind, ignore the input of friends and family, and really get in touch with what your gut instincts are saying, you usually already know what you need to do.

Providing further proof of the strength of our instincts, I recently had the incredible opportunity to hear Bishop T.D. Jakes preach at Bishop Noel Jones’ City of Refuge in Gardena, California.  On the evening I saw him, quite coincidentally, he was speaking of making personal decisions and summoning the strength to move forward.  And he, too, pointed to the power of instincts, or as he referred to them your “spirit”—as in, “your spirit knows…”  So whatever name you choose, the important part is that our innermost feelings and instinctual/spiritual knowledge is a gift for which we should be grateful…and certainly not ignore.

In regard to your situation, you, too, already know.  I know this, because you say, “I don’t honestly feel he’s the one!”  You know what you feel, and you know what you need to do.  You have just needed a blessing.  You have needed someone to say, “You have permission to move on—thankful for what this man has helped you overcome, but guilt-free that you deserve genuine joy.”

His happiness

That being said, there is one more part of this equation: his feelings and his happiness.  Because until now, I’m sure you have believed that what was better for you was necessarily bad for him.  You’d leave him, and he’d beg you back, so that must mean your freedom was his despair.

But I totally disagree.  He knows you are not satisfied.  He knows he is not the love of your life…and we both know this is not a joyful way to live; this man must suffer with worry and feelings of unworthiness every day he spends with a woman whom he knows does not really desire him.  Finally, he also has a soul mate waiting for him.  Your setting him free allows him to go and find his own happiness.

I hope this has helped you realize that you have every right to seek your Christian soul mate and true happiness and harmony. Yes, this man helped you move past pain, but it is time to move on.  This back and forth relationship does not sound fulfilling to either one of you…and both of you deserve better.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

For more on not settling in love, see “Thou Shall Not Settle (AKA Why You Deserve to Wait for True Love),” March 2008.

I had this guy at my church that really, really liked me for a long time.  I would always brush him off because I wasn’t attracted to him and besides he dated a few other women in the church.  That turned me off totally.  We had a few encounters via numerous and long phone conversations, I learned that this man is so much like me, and I was AFRAID!  Well, something happened—I ended up SABOTAGING the situation and ran him away due to my own emotional issues/fear.  He now has a girlfriend and tells me that he loves her.  I do call him occasionally, to hear how he is doing because I care so much about him still, and we still talk on the phone for hours.  I strongly believe that this man was my twin/soulmate.  I feel so bad for pushing him away and I find myself crying constantly because I feel as though there’s this big hole in my life.  I really messed up this time and I wish that I had another chance to make this thing right but it’s too late.  I will not come between his relationship.  I had my chance and I blew it!  I think that he has some feelings for me still but is trying to anesthetize them by dating other women.  I will be okay in due time.

Deconstruction

I have read a couple of your comments, and your situation really breaks my heart…partly because it is so very common: I think at one time or another many of us have fallen into this rut, pining for someone who has moved on, while we tell ourselves we are not waiting in the wings!  Unfortunately, in your case, this sadness and self-blame has gone on for far too long—as you mention in an earlier post that it’s been five or six years.

So before I tell you how I think you should handle things and why you must move on to find fulfillment, I think you need to first hear an accurate assessment of this stinging situation…

What’s really going on

As an objective authority and someone who wants you to find happiness, I am going to be honest with you: You are living in the past and lying to yourself that you are moving on—or, as you say, that you “will be okay in due time.”  If you continue to believe this man was/is your soul mate, you will waste even more years emotionally engaged in this losing limbo.

While you are not physically involved with this man, you are still very much mentally tied up in him.  More specifically, you still believe that if you hang around the perimeters of his life, he is going to eventually wake up, forgive you for your actions, and realize he wants to share his life with you.  How do I know you think this?  Because you continue to call him!  You say that you “will not come between his relationship,” yet this is exactly what you are trying to do.  How else would you describe calling a man who is otherwise attached and talking for hours?  How would you feel about a woman who was calling your man and engaging in extended heart-to-hearts?

Now I know you are probably protesting, “But he’s taking my calls?!”  And you are right.  As the person who is presumably less emotionally involved—and who has a significant other who doesn’t deserve disrespect—he should be the one who is strong enough to do the responsible and compassionate thing and refuse your phone calls.  But he’s not.  And since I can’t advise or affect his behavior, you are going to have to be the bigger person and put a stop to this charade.

And why do I say charade?  Because, and I’m sorry if this hurts you, if this man wanted a real relationship with you, he would be pursuing one…now.  I know that you say he had strong feelings for you in the past, and that may very well be true.  While I am not sure exactly what you did to offend him (or if his feelings weren’t real to begin with), he has moved on to another relationship.  He would, however, like to keep you “on the hook” as an ego boost or in case things don’t work out with his present partner.  This I am sure of.  What he’s doing is walking the cowardly line of allowing you to linger in the background without (so he thinks) compromising his current union.  And this is a part-time position you don’t deserve to play.  So whatever the truth about his former feelings, the only thing that matters now is this: He has moved on and is committed to another.

As women, we are often guilty of rationalizing men’s behavior to fit what we want to believe: Even when they are saying something sincerely, we search for indications to the contrary.  So take heart in the fact that you are far from alone!  As a professional, I’ve seen it; as a person, I’ve done it.  For instance, you say that “he has some feelings for me still but is trying to anesthetize them by dating other women.”  The truth is, while he may have certain feelings for you, he IS TELLING YOU STRAIGHT UP that he loves his girlfriend…and you are doing yourself a definite disservice by not believing him.

A word about soul mates and the Preparatory Partner

Throughout years of analyzing relationships, I have come to some explanations as to why we may mistakenly think someone is our soul mate.  But first, consider this: An implicit characteristic of a soul mate is the mutual feeling of oneness.  By definition, the word “mate” involves two.  Therefore, for someone to truly be our soul mate, they must feel the same way.

So why is it that we can come to mistaken conclusions about finding this true love?  Well, for starters, as women—and as Christians—we long to find lasting love and a life partner.  As with anything in life, wanting badly can mean wanting blindly; in an effort to find a fit, we sometimes try to force or even fabricate one.

A common phenomenon, yet something we can’t see clearly unless in hindsight, is what I call the Preparatory Partner.  A Preparatory Partner is someone who prepares us to be open to, to recognize, and to healthily interact with our real soul mate.  Often misinterpreted as our true soul mate, a Preparatory Partner is someone who has a lot of the qualities we will later find in our soul mate, and they teach us things we need to know about ourselves and what we really want in a man or woman.  The catch is that this person is not our actual intended.  Maybe they belong with someone else.  Maybe they possess that one important point that makes them inherently wrong for us.  Or maybe they simply don’t see us as soul mate material.  Whichever is the case matters not…for their purpose is to prepare, readying us for our lasting love.

I have a friend whose story is a perfect example of a Preparatory Partner.  Sherri (we’ll call her) met Samuel (we’ll call him) and began an intense love affair.  Sherri had been doing a lot of inner work and had come to a more settled place in her life and a more secure sense of herself.  Therefore, when she met Samuel, she thought, “This is it; my spiritual work has paid off!”  Possessing many qualities she wanted in a mate, she dated Samuel for about six months…until he left her to go back to his long-term love, with whom he had recently parted ways (i.e. his intended soul mate).  Devastated, Sherri thought the love of her life had passed her by.  However, she persevered.

She sought counseling, spoke to a trusted pastor, and continued to pray for strength and inner peace.  Eventually, she came to a crucial conclusion: Samuel had served an important purpose; he had made her realize that good, honest, and loyal men do exist…and that she deserved to be with one, rather than the two-timing, commitment-phobic “boys” she had dated in the past.  One year later, Sherri met John, a caring Christian man who possessed all the stellar qualities of Samuel, but with whom she clicked on an even deeper level.  Now married for two years, and with a child on the way, Sherri understands the purpose of the Preparatory Partner.

What you must do to find your future

Okay, so back to the situation at hand…or shall I say at heart.  What should you do from here?

First and foremost, read and reread the analysis above.  And please, realize I do not say any of this to preach!  I say this, sincerely, because you sound like a woman who has wasted a lot of time sad over something likely not meant to be.  You sound like a smart and loving Christian woman who deserves to find a true love who appreciates all you have to offer…and nothing less.

Therefore, whatever it takes, your first step is to accept that you are still emotionally entangled.  Your second step is to disentangle yourself.  This means cutting off all contact with this man and taking his words at face value that he is in love with his girlfriend.  Finally, this means forgiving yourself!  Again, while I don’t know what you did to sabotage the situation, suffice to say, you have suffered enough.  Now it’s time to move on.  Seeing this man as a Preparatory Partner is an important part of doing this; for as long as you consider him to be your soul mate, you will not see your true intended if he were standing right in front of you.

Now, I am going to give you one additional option—not as an alternative to moving on, but as a predecessor to moving forward…and only if you really feel strongly that you can not move on without regrets unless you give him a final opportunity.  If this is the case, and you feel that you will be wondering what would have been, you may consider having one open and honest final conversation with him.  During this talk, you would tell him that you a. have deep feelings for him and that b. you need to get on with your life.

State simply that if he loves you and not her, then he needs to break things off with her and be with you; if not, that you are going to allow them a chance at a committed and contented future and yourself a chance to find your own special someone…by completely cutting all communication.  If he reaffirms that he does love her (which, be prepared, he probably will), you must believe him.  Game over.

From this point, you need to start living in the present and looking toward your future.  Accept that you have learned from your sabotaging…but take solace in the fact that you did NOT scare off your soul mate!  Your lifetime love is still out there…when you really open your eyes and stop pining for something in the past, God will deliver you someone who is meant to be your future.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

PS—I also advise that you read the article “Reality Check: Are You Hiding Behind Your Faith to Avoid Looking for Love?” as it will explore a bit more about why you may have held off on dating and how you can go about getting in the game.

My daughter’s who is 16 boyfriend broke up by text message! She was really hurt and also thought it was very unfeeling that he did it in such a manner and wished he would have talked to her in person. This made me think as I have been dating a man for two years and feel we are not matched. I know I need to break things off, but I am not sure how to do it so I’m not like my daughter’s boyfriend and hurt him too much, even though I know he will be hurt. Can you tell me how??

Deconstruction

First of all, thank you for bringing up this topic; I have actually been saving your question until I was ready to do a posting on breaking up in a Christian (read caring and compassionate) manner. I know we focus a lot on deciding whether or not we should end a relationship—especially one of a significant duration like yours—but I feel it is also important how we go about carrying out the inevitable “breaking of the breakup news.”

As I mentioned in last month’s column, it’s never a conversation we look forward to. Because we know that there will likely be hurt feelings and an uncomfortable discussion—and possibly even a nasty reaction, accusations, or the never-pleasant begging one to come back—it’s tempting to put off this awkward encounter for as long as possible…or go about it in a way that will be easiest for us, but cold and uncaring for the soon-to-be ex.

The truth is that there is no way to completely eliminate the sting of being left; however, if you follow some dos and don’ts of decency, maturity, and compassion, you can soften the blow as much as possible, keep hurt to a minimum, and walk away with your integrity intact:

DON’T delay or bully the other into breaking up first
Don’t think you’re the only one who’s considered this callous strategy: “If I just become distant or do things my mate doesn’t like, he or she will break up with me, and I won’t be the bad guy!” While it seems you will avoid being the one to inflict hurt, the truth is that you are actually causing more prolonged pain, not to mention going against everything you supposedly strive to be as a Christian. So instead of putting off delivering the news or waiting for them to do something “wrong” then turning that into a “reason” to cut contact, I suggest you handle things with grace and humanity right from the get go: Once you’ve made up your mind, make a plan to have the discussion as soon as possible, so your former love can get on with his or her life.

DO consider The Golden Rule
When planning how you will break the news, the best place to start is by asking yourself the following, “How would I like to be told a relationship is terminating?” While we are all different, we are all still human; so chances are that if you can honestly say a certain way of breaking up would cause you the least pain, it’s probably not a terrible tactic for delivering the news to another.

DO lead with the good
While it might seem a bit clichéd, it’s no coincidence that every breakup on The Bachelor begins by telling the soon-to-be-sent-home how witty and wonderful they are. So while you don’t want to go overboard or say anything that feels fake, it is actually a good icebreaker to begin the conversation with a positive point. Try opening the dialog with something like, “Before I go any farther, I want you to know that I do have very true feelings for you, and I cherish the good times we’ve had together.” This disarms the other while making them aware that your feelings were (and are still) genuine and that you do recognize their many magnificent qualities.

DO be honest
If you do not tell someone the real reason you are breaking up, you are taking away their ability to learn from the relationship. For example, if the real reason is that his lying has finally led you to leave or her not sharing your faith is the quality you feel is missing, you owe it to him or her to say so.

DON’T be brutally honest
There is a difference between being honest and being brutally honest. Being honest is making someone aware of a quality or behavior in a kind and compassionate manner so they may grow as a person and as a partner. Being brutally honest is saying something mean, simply to make a person feel bad about themselves…or make you feel better. Furthermore, pointing out something that a person cannot really change doesn’t help anyone cross life’s hurdles.

DO use explanations and examples not names and labels
Telling a guy, “I need a real man” is hurtful, and more importantly, doesn’t give him information to help him develop; saying something like, “It hurt me that you didn’t always stick up for me when your friends treated me unkind” lets him know exactly what he did and why it wasn’t for you. Conversely, telling a woman she’s too “clingy” doesn’t bring to light the behaviors that need changing; stating something along the lines of, “I need someone who is comfortable with me spending some time with my friends” helps her understand what she can work on.

DO keep kindness in mind
While it’s been mentioned in the points above, it bears reiterating: Truth and tenderness are crucial, and Christian kindness is king. Keep in mind the other’s feelings throughout the conversation. If at any time, you notice yourself regressing into reprimands or insults, back up and reclaim your compassion.

DO share blame
It is also not helpful for you to take either all the blame or none of it. As we know, a relationship takes two to be terrific, and it takes two to go astray. So when discussing where things went wrong, make sure to assume your role and responsibility, while not absorbing all the blame to try and soften the blow. Like I said before, both of you deserve to learn from the failed relationship; by giving the old, “It’s not you; it’s me,” you are denying your past partner the opportunity to mature. Because after all, it’s always them to some degree.

DO focus on “two rights don’t always make a right”
By this I mean it’s important to focus on the fact that just because two people are great, doesn’t mean they are a great match! Keep reiterating to your partner that both of you possess praiseworthy qualities; they just happen to not be qualities that fit perfectly together.

DO wish them well and part ways on a positive
Do as much as you can to ensure that the conversation ends on a good note; if your partner seems hostile and you can see he or she is not going to come around, simply state that you understand they are speaking out of anger. Continue to repeat that you truly believe the breakup is best in the long run and that they too will end up happier eventually…when they meet someone more suited to fulfill their needs and desires.

DON’T do it electronically
As you said in your question, it is hurtful to get broken up with by some form of electronic (i.e. impersonal) communication. While doing so enables the one who’s doing the leaving to get off without having to endure any feelings, it triggers many feelings in the one being left…feelings like anger, frustration, and confusion! So no matter how much it becomes commonplace to communicate using technology, it will never be acceptable to deliver potentially painful news in such a manner.

That being said, the only exception I can imagine is if you have tried multiple times to call or track down your soon-to-be ex in person, but he or she is simply avoiding contact. In this case, rather than just leaving things unsaid (and the status of your relationship unknown), it is appropriate to write a heartfelt e-mail explaining that you have tried to reach them personally and your wishes for splitting.

In phone or in person? In public or in private?

We’ve established that breaking up via electronic communication is not okay, but what about the age-old question of breaking the news over the phone versus meeting in person? I feel that it depends on two factors: how long you’ve been together and the desires of the person who is being left. Unless you are involved in a short and very casual relationship—in which case simply calling and breaking the news over the phone is fine—my recommendation is that you call your boyfriend or girlfriend, state that you need to have a talk, and ask where and when would be convenient for them to meet you.

At this point, the person on the receiving end will likely have an inclination of what’s coming, so they can choose to set the in-person meeting or ask that you tell them what’s up now, on the phone. Basically, this is just giving them the option as to whether they feel more comfortable receiving the news via phone or whether they’d like to have a face-to-face conversation. Therefore, as the one doing the breaking up, you must be prepared for either: breaking the news then and there, or meeting your mate at a place of their choosing (be it public or private) to discuss things in more detail. The reason I advise putting the ball in the other’s court is that, while this is also painful for you, the partner who is being left will, undoubtedly, bear the brunt of the hurt. Allowing them to feel in control of the breakup will help level the playing field as well as start their healing process however suits them best.

So regarding your two-year relationship, if you have given it ample thought, you should move ahead in breaking things off. Keeping in mind the dos and don’ts of respect will ensure you are left with no guilt and no regret!

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

I was dating a woman for about two months and thought things were going good and that we were on the path.  One day she disappeared and wouldn’t return my calls or texts.  It’s been three weeks now and I have not heard from her any response.  I feel hurt because I was invested and wished there was some form of closure.  What should I do now since she won’t call back?

Deconstruction

Unfortunately, your situation is not an uncommon one; and as your experience proves, it is not just men who make haste without explanation.  Also, while we all understand the hurt caused by acts like cheating and lying, this sort of unexplained disappearance can be equally as disturbing, as it creates confusion, sadness, and stagnation for the one who has been left behind.

What’s the harm?

In this type of dating and dashing, the person who is walked out on is stuck wondering what happened, where they went wrong, and why things didn’t work out.  In addition to this continuous mental musing, the person doesn’t get the chance to learn from the failed relationship, since they don’t know what caused their mate to make themselves scarce.  A main benefit of a breakup is that it helps us in terms of future relationships, both by allowing us to learn from our mistakes—in terms of what drove the other away—as well as to learn about the kind of person we want (or don’t want) to choose next time—i.e. the type of person who wouldn’t disappear without divulging why.

The main problem, however, is that when a guy or girl exits without explanation, there is, as you say, no closure.  This means the person is left—literally—in limbo.  And this keeps them from moving on, as well as creating feelings of mistrust toward relationships in general.  Besides the passing of time, much of what allows us to move on from a breakup is perspective.  Understanding why a relationship failed leads to acceptance, which leads to being able to open up our hearts to another.  When someone doesn’t tell us why they were unhappy, this whole process is drawn out, because we have to struggle to figure it out on our own, often coming to incorrect conclusions.

Why run without giving reason?

There is really only one explanation for the disappearing act: It’s called “avoidance.”  And it stems from either laziness or cowardice.  Sometimes, the person who disappears simply doesn’t care enough about their past partner’s feelings to even put forth the effort of having a conversation (i.e. laziness).  For them, it’s just plain easier to leave and not look back.  Other times (and in my opinion, the more common cause), they are too cowardly for mature communication.  They are too weak to show up for an open, honest conversation and give their soon-to-be-former flame the respect they deserve.

With regard to lazy avoidance, it often starts with a person not wanting to expend the energy to break up in a fair fashion.  Instead of dealing with the situation, they mentally (then physically) check out.  At first, they tell themselves, “I’ll call her (or him) soon and let her know I want to move on.”  But as more time passes, and more unreturned calls pile up, they know that the breakup is going to be bitter, since they’ve already distanced without a discussion.  Eventually, they convince themselves that too much time has come between them, and they blow off the breakup altogether.  In reality, the honorable thing would have been to deal with the breakup with the kindness of a Christian—taking straightforward action and setting the other person free before things got too awkward.

As far as cowardice is concerned, nobody likes a breakup conversation; but if you want to be an evolved individual who handles situations with grace and goodwill, you must handle romantic endings by personally delivering the daunting news, instead of hiding, then hanging your head in shame.  You might endure a few moments of awkwardness, but you’ll sleep sound knowing you acted appropriately: as an adult and a compassionate Christian.

Getting past the silence

Even knowing the hurt they’ll cause, some people will continue the cowardice of leaving without explanation.  If you find yourself blindsided by a (non-breakup) breakup, the following tips should help you get on with your life as painlessly as possible:

Make ONE move
I recommend making one final attempt to communicate for closure, preferably by phone, but possibly by e-mail.  In your message, don’t sound desperate; simply state that you haven’t heard back from them, and that you would like the opportunity to “clear the air,” as to the status of your relationship.  Try as hard as possible not to appear angry, but rather open to a diplomatic discussion.  Should you get the person on the phone, be honest and straightforward: “We haven’t spoken in awhile, and I was wondering what your feelings are about our relationship?”

Create your own closure
If you are not successful in your one attempt to talk, you must pull together your pride and move on, dealing with the breakup in the absence of formal closure.  One helpful exercise is to write a letter telling your ex everything you’d like to say if you were to get a chance to communicate.  Even though you won’t send the letter, getting your feelings out is tremendously healing.

Another good way to guard against lingering in a state of limbo is to create closure on your own, by setting aside a specific time to come to terms with the end of the relationship.  In a quiet and private place, begin with some deep breathing to relax and open your mind.  Next, really reflect on your actions, mistakes, and contributions to the issues in the relationship.  Finally, make a list of the actions you are proud of and those things you wish you’d done differently, as well as a list of personal and spiritual traits you have discovered you want and don’t want in the next person you date.  When you are ready, conclude the exercise by removing all visible mementos of your ex, so you are not constantly jerked back into the past; put them in a box and store it out of sight.

Reflect on your actions, but don’t assign meaning to theirs
The tendency is obviously to try and decode the reason(s) for their departure.  This, however, will only make you crazy and not yield any concrete information.  Instead, focus on learning from your role in the relationship—as you see it—not as you try tirelessly to interpret it through the eyes of your past partner.

Be real about what you’ve “lost”
It’s almost cliché, but so true it bears mention: A person who is able to walk away from a romance with no discussion, no regard for the other’s feelings, and no looking back is not the type of person you want for a mate.  As I always say, life has many ups and downs, and when choosing a love to spend your life with, traits like kindness, integrity, and respect are crucial for continued happiness.  Finding out a guy or gal doesn’t show strength of character is something better discovered sooner rather than later.

Trust in time and have faith in God’s grand plan
Especially when there is no formal breakup, you need to stay focused on moving forward.  While it’s normal for sadness to linger a bit, you need to fall back on your faith, deepen your devotion, and know that time will heal the hurt as well as open your heart to someone really special.

So is it ever all right to simply stop calling?

If any degree of a relationship has developed, you owe it to the person to give some explanation for ending things.  That being said, if you’ve gone on a first or second date and it just wasn’t a match, it’s not necessary to have a concluding conversation.  However, anytime a person asks for an explanation, it’s common courtesy to relay a reason…

But should you spare them disappointing details?  Should you do it in person?  Should you do it in public?

Stay turned for next month’s column: “A Christian’s guide to calling it quits—breaking up respectfully and responsibly”

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina