A few years ago when my daughter was young I worked as a stripper (for about three years).  I am a Christian and not proud of this fact, but I did what I had to do to provide for my baby as a single parent.  Also I never engaged in any sexual stuff with customers, like some of the women did.  I actually did what people joke about and “put myself through school” and now I work at a hospital as an administrator.  I have not dated much since my daughter was born but I recently met a man that I really like.  We have been on two dates and talked for endless hours on the phone.  But I haven’t told him about the dancing.  He is a Christian too and I guess I am scared he’ll judge me.  At what point is it right to let him know?

Deconstruction

It’s a fine line between telling sensitive stuff too soon and withholding so long the man wonders why you didn’t spill sooner.  Therefore, you are on the right track by realizing that you must mention it at some point…some point between the first date and walking down the aisle, that is.

That being said, I feel strongly that you not discuss sensitive details of your past during initial dates.  Here’s why…

Your past doesn’t define you
You mention that, as a Christian man, you hope he won’t judge you for your past occupation.  While this is a valid concern (see below), telling too soon makes it more of an issue than it is.

One reason you are probably feeling pressured to tell is because you think that in getting acquainted, this is something he should know in order to know you.  However, this would imply that what you did to get by, in some essential way, defines the person you are—more specifically, the person you are today.  It doesn’t…or at least not to a degree that is pertinent during early dating.  More importantly, it definitely doesn’t mean the woman he is seeing is somehow a lie.

You shouldn’t bear shame
Telling too soon signifies that you carry shame about your past.  Divulging this information to someone you are only starting to spend time with says, “I have something horrible in my past.  I better let you know right off the bat, because it’s so bad that I need to give you the option to escape to safety.”

While I’m being sarcastic, you need to consider your stint as a stripper as such: While it may not have been the best decision, it was a decision you made at the time, to support your daughter and facilitate a future for yourself.  You did not hurt anyone, and you did not succumb to the lifestyle of open sexuality for extra cash.  You used it as a means to an end, and you moved on.  Done.  Over.  Furthermore, it is something that helped you become the woman you are today.  Part of this is serenely accepting your past and the fact that you—like all of us—are a work in progress…as opposed to spilling too soon out of fear and shame.

First impressions put you in a box…
And it’s nearly impossible to break out.  So although I believe that the right man will not judge the person you are now based on your past profession, you need to give him a minute to find out who you are first.  If he hears “stripper” before he has a sense of you, he may subconsciously make the rest of his impressions match the label.

Reveal yourself in stages
Telling a man sensitive details of your past too soon falls under what the authors of Marriable: Taking the Desperate Out of Dating refer to as “TMI: too much information.”  This book, written by Christian man and wife Hayley and Michael DiMarco, elaborates on a principle I strongly support: Spilling all your secrets too early in the dating process is dangerous for a budding romance.  Not only does it go against the fact that men are more comfortable when women reveal themselves little by little, it sets you up for an emotional fall.

According to Marriable, women who divulge everything about themselves during initial dates are “giving up their emotional virginity.”  The DiMarcos go on to say, “…they give away every ounce of themselves emotionally, and the result is the same as giving themselves up sexually—they are exposed and vulnerable to so much pain and heartache if and when the relationship ends.”  In your situation, this means protecting yourself by keeping your past private a little longer.

He must earn your intimacy
The best argument in favor of waiting a bit before opening up is that this man needs to earn your trust before you hand over your heart by confiding everything about yourself and your experiences.  The fact that you were a stripper does not impact him from a health or safety perspective; therefore, it falls under the category of something you will tell him in confidence…when he has proven himself worthy the privilege of your emotional intimacy.

So when should you reveal?

While the above underscores why you should wait past the first few dates to tell this man about your past, the question still lingers: When should you tell?  My answer is this: When it becomes his business.  And that is when you are in a committed relationship that has the potential to be serious.  While assigning an exact amount of time is difficult, I’d say it shouldn’t be less than a month, but would likely not be more than six.

I hope this answers your question, and helps further your respect for yourself and your past.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

My problem is not so serious but I think many Christians might be wondering the same thing.  I have been dating a man for six weeks (we met on a dating site) and we see each other almost every other night and on weekends so we spend a lot of time together.  I don’t know what to get him for Christmas or if I should even get him a gift.  I don’t know either if he is getting me one!  I thought I should buy something but I don’t want to look like I’m cheap or spent too much.  Since we have only been dating 6 weeks there hasn’t been a birthday to compare it to.  It seems dumb but I really like him and don’t want to look bad by doing the wrong thing.

Deconstruction

Yes, it’s that time of the year: To celebrate the birth of our Lord.  To give thanks for beloved family and friends…to stress over whether we should give cologne or cuff links to the new guy in our lives.

I joke, but in all seriousness, it can be confusing!  It’s especially puzzling if, as you say, you are close but not long-term lovebirds—and more so if you have no gift-giving history to set a precedent for presents.

There are a few reasons this leaves new couples analyzing endlessly: First, they are still in the stage where they want to make a good impression; so they care tremendously that their guy or girl likes the gift.  Secondly, and even more importantly, they worry what their gift will say.  In other words, does it tell him, “I think we’re serious” or “I consider us $9.99 worth of going nowhere”?  Finally, they worry about an awkward exchange: like when you give him a 14-karat cross and he gives you a coffee mug…or nothing at all!

Gift-giving guidelines for newly courting Christians

Of course, without knowing him or more about your relationship—or, frankly, being male for that matter—I can’t advise you exactly what to give your new guy.  But I can gift you with some guidelines for choosing something appropriate for a new love interest.

First…establish if you’re exchanging
Before you choose a gift, you might want to establish whether or not you’re exchanging gifts at all.  But don’t make a big deal out of it.  Because whether you exchange or not is not the issue; in fact—especially in the current economy—many couples are choosing to give just a card in lieu of a gift.  However, it’s best to find out, so that no one is embarrassed about showing up empty handed.

A good way to tell what he’s thinking is to ask him what he wants.  If he identifies something, then you know.  Ditto if he asks you back what’s on your wish list.  But if he says something like, “Nothing…times are tough this year, so don’t worry about it,” follow his lead and leave him off your list too.  Or, buy him just a small token of your affection.

Spend a modest amount, based on your financial situation
Once you’ve determined that you are exchanging gifts, the next issue becomes how much to spend.  And this can be tricky: Spend too little, and you look cheap; spend too much, and you look majorly in love…or risk making him feel bad about not keeping up.

Therefore, my advice is to spend a moderate amount that’s in line with what you make.  Remember, he knows what you do for a living, and he has a general sense of how freely your money flows.  Besides, if he’s a good guy, he wouldn’t want you to break the bank trying to please him!  So for example, if you are a successful attorney, $25 might seem very minimal…but if you’ve been laid off your job, it’s genuinely generous.  And, if you’re creative, you can find something special and sweet for even less!

Finally, while it’s hard to put a blanket number on early-relationship gifts, I would say somewhere between $25 and $75.  Even if you can afford well beyond that, I wouldn’t go much over, or you risk embarrassing him if he can’t compete.  Because while it certainly doesn’t matter if you spend the same amount, you don’t want to go overboard.  This puts too much emphasis on material items, it’s too much of a commitment for a recent relationship, and it sets a precedent that will be hard to surpass as you get more serious.

Give something personal
When deciding what to give, the key is to put some thought into it: In other words, the less generic, the better.  I recommend either shopping for something he’s mentioned in the past or going with a gift that addresses his interests.  If you’re having trouble thinking of something, try making a list of what he likes; then brainstorm from there what could enhance his experience.

Don’t make it too personal
Okay, so let me qualify “give something personal.”  Remember, no matter how much time you spend together, the relationship is still new; so stay away from anything overly intimate.  By this I mean the obvious, no underwear (or nighties or lingerie for women).  But I also advise avoiding gifts that signify “seriousness,” as this can scare someone off.  In other words, I wouldn’t give jewelry, particularly things like rings or engraved items.

Don’t ask for expensive
If you are exchanging, he may very well ask what you want.  This is not the time to mention that diamond pendant you’ve been fantasizing about.  Believe me, nothing is more of a turnoff—or totally tacky for that matter—than a woman who pressures a man to spend big bucks on her gift.

For example, I previously worked with a woman whom I once found flipping through a magazine, bookmarking an ad for a $3,000 Tiffany necklace.  She showed it to me and said, “I told John this is what I want for Valentine’s Day.”  And if this wasn’t bad enough, she had been dating John for merely two months!  To make a long story short, not only did this woman not untie Tiffany on February 14th, John dumped her shortly after.  Was the tacky Tiffany request the reason?  Who knows.  But I’ll bet it played a part: If poor John was stuck springing for bling at two months, he probably figured he’d be buying a Benz at five!

Therefore, if you are asked, either say something like, “Whatever you pick will be perfect” or identify something very inexpensive; let him be the one to decide if he’d like to spend more.  Also, if you know money is tight for him right now, try to take off the pressure.  Deliver a directive like, “And, please, don’t spend a lot!”

A card is the crux
Whether or not you buy for one another, a card is the central element of any great gift.  My friend and her husband call their tradition “the mushy card.”  Each holiday, whether they can afford expensive gifts or not, they always get each other a card; in it, they handwrite a from-the-heart message.  So while you wouldn’t be writing something quite as “mushy” as a married couple, it’s a wonderful way to tell him how much you’ve enjoyed getting to know him.  And it costs just a couple bucks.

Eliminate expectations
I know your question was about what to get him, but I wanted to say a word about expectations in general: Don’t make too much of what he gets (or doesn’t get) you.  And definitely don’t listen to any friends who try to make you question his intentions if he doesn’t deliver on a major gift.  It’s simply not that important!  Look to how he treats you and how you get along as indicators of your potential as partners.  And above all else…

Don’t forget what the holiday is about.  While we’re inundated with ads for new cars, phones, and iPods, giving gifts is not what really matters!  I’ve written this article to help you with the practicality of presents, but remember: It’s not GIFTmas; it’s CHRISTmas!  Deepening your faith together at this special time of the year is the emphasis.  Now that you’ve got your gift-exchange answers, you can fully focus on your commitment to Christ as a couple.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

PS—If you are still looking for some specific answers as to what men really want for Christmas, I’d advise going to the source…and asking them!  Try visiting www.faithmate.com and clicking on the “Forum” tab at the top.  They have an active member forum where you can post a question to our brothers: maybe, “What would you want from a girl you’d been dating for one to two months?”  I’ll bet you get some interesting answers!