I’m a 29 year-old Christian woman, and I have decided to remain celibate until I’m married. I met a man on your website several months ago and we have been dating off and on since then. He recently asked me to join him on a cruise to the Bahamas this coming summer and said he would pay for everything. 

 Even though I enjoy his company, I don’t think he’s “the one”. I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise, but have never been able to afford it. So this is a really good opportunity for me that I might not have again any time soon. I also don’t want to offend or alienate him by saying no.  But , I’m concerned that if I accept his gift it will obligate me in some way. Should I go?

                                                             Cruise or Lose

 THE DEAL

 A (wo)man’s wisdom gives patience. Proverbs 19-11 

Whassup Cruisah? Girl, yeah you should go on the cruise! O-o-o-weee! Break out the fans and the smelling salts for the good saints. As they contemplate the prospect of you losing your virtue, they’re losing their minds. 

But, as with most things, it’s not so much about what you do, as it is how you do it. And we’re going to get you on that cruise the Christian way. So tell the “virtue-keepers” to hold up a minute and you do the same. 

To be sure, they do have some cause for concern.  Today’s dating culture is too often one of low-commitment/low expectations, casual “sex without strings.”  Rutgers University conducted a study and published the results in 2000, called the National Marriage Project.  

According to that study the first priority of men and women in their early twenties is getting a decent job and a place of their own. Neither is in a rush to get married.  However, by the second half of their twenties, while “men are content to continue the pattern established in their early twenties” (which includes a love-‘em-and-leave-‘em philosophy), women become “more serious about the search for a marriage partner.” Their courting expectations however, remain the same. 

Many women expect, and consider it their right, to be wined, dined and otherwise supported by a man who is interested in furthering the relationship. A lot of men, on the other hand, feel that if you are willing to “pay the Piper,” they are willing to pay to play. And there in lies the rub.

You didn’t mention your age, so I don’t know where you fit in the marriage-priority spectrum. But you seem to be very clear on your values and expectations. Have you been equally as open and clear with your friend? Does he know and accept your commitment to celibacy until you’re married? Does he know that he’s not “the one”? That puts your relationship in a permanent platonic state. Is he good with that? The answers to those questions should help you determine whether or not you want to cruise with or without him. 

THE REAL

In Matthew 19:10-12 Jesus says that celibacy is a special gift that not everyone can manage.

Cruisah-Girl, the question shouldn’t be whether or not you should accept his gift of paying for the cruise. (The answer to that is “uh, uh, don’t do it, Girl”). It’s whether you want him to accompany you on the cruise that you pay for. Given your statement that he is not “the one”, you should really think carefully about the implications of accepting his gift – to yourself and to him.

A gift is described as any item given freely to another without need of reciprocation. That doesn’t speak to the expectation of reciprocity. The value of the gift and the expectation of reciprocation are often inversely proportionate. In other words, there are no free lunches! If he pays, he will have expectations of you.

If you accept, you’ll feel obligated at the most; pressured at the least. This cruise should be a “moment” in your life. You want it to be carefree and fun-filled. If you really feel that being in his company will enhance the experience for you:

• Tell him you’d love to go
• Tell him you’re gonna pay, and then
• Begin planning and saving for the cruise, Girl

That being said, I have a caveat: I have the utmost respect for your Christian values and commitment to celibacy, but do keep in mind the potential effects of the relaxed environment of the cruise and the balmy climate of the tropics. In his book Consumer Behavior in Travel and Tourism, Abraham Pizam listed “a high degree of relaxed camaraderie” and “high spirits and casual sexual encounters” as typical behaviors during cruises. Again, think twice about going on your cruise with “not-the-one”.

While it’s difficult to pin down an absolute cost for a cruise, the question is “how bad do you want it?” Start now researching the cost of cruises. Give some thought as to when you want to go, where you want to go and how long you want to stay. With the impact of our economy on luxury items, many cruise lines are offering deep discounts to encourage people to travel – some up to 82% off, depending on when you book them (cruisecheap.com).

Have a little bit of patience. If you don’t go on a cruise next year, you might be able to go the following year. The Bahamas aren’t going anywhere any time soon. Take your time and consider some of the following questions posted on a cruise website that will help you determine the cost of your cruise.

• The time of year you choose to take your cruise
• Where you’d like to go
• Which cruise line you like
• The type of accommodations you select
• The number of people sharing your cabin
• The package inclusions in addition to the cruise fare
• What promotional offers are available when you make your reservation
• How quickly you are able to pay for your booking once you’ve been quoted the rates
• Where you live or where you will be flying from

Listen, Cruisah-Girl, I know that the economy is truly jacked up. For those in the mid- to low end of the economic strata, it’s treacherous. When you’re concerned with making ends meet and handling the bare essentials in life, it’s hard to see outside the box. But that’s where the answers to your cruise money are going to be. With a little planning and a lot of faith, you can make it happen! 

Look for my upcoming article on how to save money for a vacation. 

In the meantime, have some good, clean fun with “not-the-one”! 

G

I am a 55-year old Christian woman and I lost my husband to cancer 10 years ago. We were together for 45 years. He was my best friend in grade school and we got married right out of high school. He was the love of my life and I haven’t been around another man before or after him. When he passed away, I wanted to go right along with him, but that was not God’s will.

It took me a long time to move on, but I believe it is time for me to seek another partner in my life. I’m lonely a lot and even though I love my family and friends, I miss having a special man.

When I look in the mirror, I see gray hair and an old lady and it’s hard to believe anyone would be interested in me. All the women on TV are young and beautiful and it just doesn’t seem like there’s a place for women my age when it comes to dating.

Please don’t tell me about age being just a number. I know what I see and it doesn’t look good. My friends say I should act my age and forget about finding a man who would want to spend time with me. I was so happy being part of a good relationship. Do you think it’s possible to have that again?

Silver and Sad

THE DEAL

“Gray hair is a glorious crown; it is found in the way of righteousness” Proverbs 16:31

Silver, I’m not even going to tiptoe around on this one. If you let society (or your friends) define your value, you’ll find yourself bottoming out quicker than the dollar bill.

I won’t insult you with platitudes and fake fillers, but you need an immediate infusion of perspective, here. In today’s society, ageism, particularly as it relates to women, is rampant. In some ways, the “A” in Aging is the new Scarlet Letter. Unlike the letter worn by Hester Prynne, Hawthorne’s main character isolated for her acts of adultery and out-of-wedlock childbearing, the New Scarlet Letter is shared by millions of women in America over the age of 50.

Signs of our alleged transgressions are obvious, and sometimes subject us to a societal shaming, similar to what you are experiencing from your friends. A thickening waistline, reduced tautness of the skin, visible character lines, and graying hair – all put the spotlight on our crime of Aging!

And it’s toxic: many of us are ashamed of our aging bodies, feel guilty about our supposed vanity, and torture ourselves relentlessly with quick–quack, ineffective, and often dangerous cures in an attempt to slow the march of the years.

Our youth-obsessed, image-conscious society, driven by rapidly increasing corporate coffers, has successfully reduced the measure of the value of older women to a physical — preferably thin — line of youth. Keeping your self-esteem low keeps their bottom lines lush.

So successful have been the efforts of corporate advertising and media brainwashing campaigns targeting reversal of the aging process, that Americans contributed more than $40 billion to the diet industry, more than $13 billion to the plastic surgery business in 2007 (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery-ASAPS), and approximately  $18.5 billion to the fitness industry in 2007 (IHRSA – International Health, Racquet and Sports club Association), in an effort to avoid the dreaded condition. The majority of clients in all three categories? Women over 50!

And yet, in contradiction to societal values and in accordance with the Bible, old age is revered as a fulfillment of a life devoted to God, carrying both responsibilities and blessings which “are to be accepted with gratitude and in a sense of stewardship” (Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission).  So how are older Christian women to balance their faith with the facts and fears associated with the New Scarlet Letter?

THE REAL

The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old

– Proverbs 20:29

Our bodies, and the world in which we live, are complex entities existing in what appears to be a constant state of chaos. But in keeping with chaos theory, there is an underlying order that is not readily apparent to the human eye or understanding – it’s called “God’s Plan.”

Aging is a natural, inevitable process, the ultimate end over which we have no control. If we are fortunate enough to be “blessed with long life”, our bodies, minds and spirits will change to reflect the wisdom, caring, personality and knowledge that make us beautiful and interesting. We are relieved of the need to rely solely on appearance.  Accept it and celebrate it! The world as an older woman is one of endless possibilities.

Your expectations and how you choose to view your journey as an older woman, can literally make or break you. The difference is Attitude! And attitude goes a long way in creating the “attraction factor” that makes you interesting to the opposite sex.

Attitude not only affects our expectations of how we will fare in life, it also signals to the world how we see ourselves and how we expect to be treated. Walking with confidence and your head held high says to the world “I’m worth it”. The body that you consider less than perfect is God’s temple. Revere it as you would any of God’s gifts. Believe in yourself, and work it, girl!

To all my Christian sisters wearing the New Scarlet Letter, celebrate your gift of long life and trust in God’s purpose. If you desire the gift of love in your life, remember that you, too, are a gift from God! The right man is sure to recognize and honor you as a beautiful, silver jewel.

I will be your God throughout your lifetime — until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. -Isaiah 46:4

G

I have been divorced for two years. Before my divorce my husband and I were active in church and entertained alot. I’m a good cook and enjoy food so I put on more than 50 pounds while I was married. He said that was one of the reasons he divorced me. I was really depressed after the divorce, but I went on a diet and lost most of the weight.  Now I am starting to put it back on since I’m the only one eating the food I cook. I would like to lose another 20 pounds before I feel comfortable dating.

 The problem is that my company cut my hours and I can’t afford to get a gym membership. I have diabetes and just found out that I have borderline high blood pressure too.  I’m on medication for both of them. I also don’t have any health insurance. The doctor told me I have to lose weight if I want to get healthy. I want to be healthy and happy, but I can’t afford to. I don’t even know where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

                                                             Amanda

THE DEAL

 I’m going to call you Amazing Amanda for keeping the weight off for two years! Do you realize what a great accomplishment that is?  According to the International Journal of Obesity, 95% of the people who lose weight on diets gain back every pound within three years. As a Certified Personal Trainer, I’ve had many clients who came to me after losing weight by dieting and gaining all the pounds (plus a few extra) right back. So give yourself credit – you deserve it. Now let’s get you through the next year!

 First, though, do me a favor, girl . . . email the passage below to your ex:

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  –Romans 12:1-21 ESV

 Now, say Amen, Amanda, ‘cause only God should determine what is good, acceptable and perfect.  I bet Ol’ Dude enjoyed your good cooking to the tune of a few extra pounds, too. The man has no right to judge . . . only God can do that, and He carried you through the trial of divorce. But you’ve brought some big, unnecessary emotional baggage along with you – low self-esteem and poor body image. In God’s eyes, your body is perfect . . . He made you! Your responsibility is to keep your body healthy. . . that’s what makes it hot, aahiight?

 Truth is, on the dating tip, self-confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac. Just as many black men like their women on the thick side and with some “junk in her trunk” as do those who prefer women on the slimmer side. Fortunately, we black women come in all sizes, hues and shapes. Unfortunately, we also have the highest percentage of obesity, diabetes and heart disease – the metabolic syndrome — and there are legitimate health concerns when we reach the morbidly obese category.

 But it ain’t about the fat as much as it is the “footwork”. More and more, research is pointing to inactivity as the culprit — not the fat. People who are the fittest live the longest – no matter what they weigh. “If you are a couch potato, being thin provides absolutely no assurance of good health, and does nothing to increase our chances of living a long life,” says Steven Blair, Director of Research, at the renowned Cooper Institute for Aerobics Research. So stop trippin’ off the few extra pounds and focus on . . .

 THE REAL

 Get up! Get moving! Get Healthy! . . . and get out there, girl! An amazing thing happens when you start moving your body – your self-esteem takes flight long before you get light. Your body produces endorphins (natural “feel good” drugs) when you exercise, that raise your joy level and self-confidence . . . just what you need to be a great faith-mate!

 You don’t need a gym membership to walk for 30 – 45 minutes a few times a week. Doing your cardio workout outside provides a lot more benefits than being on the treadmill in a crowded, noisy, germ-dense gym environment (they say that Vitamin D from the sun is good for building immunity to the swine flu, too). Find a friend and get to hoofin’. Add a few hills to your route as a great tush-tightener.

 If you have a “muffin top” thing going on around the middle, get an immediate slimming effect by doing this simple move:

 “Put a string on your belly button; pull it to the back!”

 My clients are always amazed at how much slimmer they look by doing “what yo’ mama taught you.” Hold your stomach in (but keep breathing); imagine putting a string on your belly button, then pulling that string to the back. Your shoulders will automatically go back, too. The benefits?

 You’ll look taller and slimmer

• Your internal organs will function better
• Your body will circulate oxygen easier, so you’ll breathe easier
• Your abs get a “freebie” isometric workout

 Remind yourself to do this throughout the day until it becomes a habit.

 If you still want a more “gym-like” workout, talk to the women’s groups in your church about starting fitness or walking clubs. Many churches are becoming more fitness conscious in response to the diabetes and heart disease epidemics in the black community.

 A regular exercise program done several times a week has resulted in many people having their medications for diabetes and heart disease reduced or even discontinued (***medication changes and exercise programs should be done only with a doctor’s orders). The American Diabetes Association can provide a good eating plan for you. Their website is diabetes.org, and the eating plans are free.

 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 Everything you need to take care of God’s temple is also available to you – free of charge. Go get it, girl!

                                       G

I am a single mother with two beautiful children — a boy 16, and a girl 12 — who have been raised in church and have gone to parochial schools since pre-school. I lost my job a year ago and only recently started work as a part-time consultant making less than half of what I made before.

I can probably afford to keep my kids in their current schools for this semester, but will have to put them in public schools after the semester ends. The public schools where we live are terrible. I am afraid for my children for a lot of reasons — safety, quality of education, and the temptations they’ll face, being only a few. I’m struggling to pay my house note and am not able to relocate.

My mother says that I worry too much and that the kids will be fine, just because she graduated from public schools. But that was a long time ago. Things are so much worse now. I know it’s not on the up-and-up, but I’m thinking about using a friend’s address to get them into a better school district. Do you think that’s a bad thing to do?

Cathy Can’t-Face-the-“Public”

THE DEAL

Cathy, Cathy, Cathy. A-h-h-h, Lady, I sincerely sympathize with you. The academic and social challenges of our inner-city schools are long-standing ones, with multiple tentacles and long term, far-reaching effects. Your letter speaks of many of those issues.

For an individual, personal fear can be a terrible thing. Fear stemming from concern about our children’s well being is exponentially more terrible. In some cases that fear is justified. Unfortunately, violence in our school usually mirrors that of our society at large.

There’s no need to quote the statistics. You need only flip the TV switch any given day of the week to be bombarded by the fear factor that keeps the station ratings high, and our fear ratios even higher. The result of this fear is often timidity, poor decision-making, or inertia. But, because this is about our “babies,” we can’t afford any of those outcomes.

Your bottom line question is: Do I think it’s a bad thing for you to lie to get your children into a better school district? Let me flip the script for a moment:

Do you think it’s a bad thing for your children to lie to gain personal advantage?

Do you think it’s a bad thing for corporate CEO’s to lie to us about their financial freewheeling to improve their bottom lines?

Do you think it’s wrong for leaders of a country to lie about their reasons for engaging their citizens in wars of aggression?

You know the right answer, Cathy. Don’t let fear rule you. Do the right thing.

“For God did not give us the spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline”

(II Tim. 1:7).

THE REAL

The bottom line is this: Do every right thing within your power to provide for, help, and protect your children.

Cathy, girl, I am a black mother from w-a-a-a-y back. I have gone toe-to-toe with 6 ft. tall referees, fought off gangs of little fast-tailed teenage girls, protested against boards of education, written up deans of admissions, admonished uncaring teachers, and thrown rocks at not a few little kindergarteners (I’m like Bernie Mac, I’ll hit a kid . . . nah, I’m just kiddin’). Seriously, though, there’s not much I haven’t done to protect and provide for my children. I know the path from whence you cometh.

Your ability to survive in this crazy, new world will be dependent upon your ability to adapt to change, and to work outside of established, traditionally accepted methods – yeah, thinkin’ outside da box!

Here’s a list of suggestions and questions you might want to consider:

1.)   Ask the administrators of your children’s current school whether they would accept a lowered tuition amount or set up extended payments in an amount that is manageable on your salary.

2.)    Do your children’s current schools offer any type of scholarships that you could apply for so that they can stay where they are? Until you ask, you’ll never know.

3.)    Are you eligible for any state or local assistance that might pay for part of your children’s tuition?

4.)     Does your church offer any educational assistance that you might qualify for?

5.)     Does your kids’ father have temporary custody, which might qualify your children to attend school in a better district?

6.)     Do any of your neighbors home-school their children? Are they qualified to (and capable of) teaching your children, as well?

7.)     Can your church start a school? (GREAT IDEA!)

You can rest assured that yours is not the only family in your church and community facing these challenges. Speak with your minister about organizing a committee to start a school for the children and youth who attend your church. There are sure to be a number of teachers who are retired or recently laid off from their jobs who would love to make some extra income.

The International School of Ministry “supplies curriculum materials for churches and other ministries to run their own training programs. Check out their website at www.isom.org for more “getting started” information.

There’s also a basic, but informative video entitled How to Start a Home Education Church School at www.ehow.com by a California Home school group. The Missions for Retired and Second Career Christians is also an excellent source for finding Christian teachers who are interested in part-time work. You can find them at www.missionfinder.org .

If none of the above work for you, and you eventually end up placing your children in public school, know this, Cathy: The strong Christian education and upbringing that you’ve provided your son and daughter will help insure that they stay strong and focused, even in a challenging, sometimes dangerous, inner-city school environment. Other suggestions would be to:

Encourage your children to get involved in extra-curricular activities such as sports, school newspaper, school choirs, etc. The camaraderie amongst the kids in those groups usually serves as somewhat of a protective shield and also will insure that the after school hours are spent safely and productively.

• Enroll them in your local YMCA or Boys and Girls Clubs – again, these organizations foster positive relationships and provide good role models.
• Arrange with your employer to take your lunch at 3:00 (or whatever time your children’s schools dismiss) so that your family can walk home together.

Your actions, honesty, and use of critical thinking skills will serve as a model for their choices. Take ‘em to church as often as possible and remember:

There shall no man be able to stand before you: for the LORD your God shall lay the fear of you and the dread of you upon all the land that ye shall tread upon, as he hath said unto you. Deuteronomy 11:25

G

 Nobody else will talk about this. Maybe you will.

I am so tired of seeing these “swishy” men in my church that I could scream! Everywhere I turn there are effeminate men, flipping their wrists, waving their hands, and singing God’s praise when they should be asking for His forgiveness for being the way they are.

It is not right, it is not godly, and it is an insult to all the single women out here who are looking for real men in their lives. We’ve lost so many of our black men to prisons and murder, and now we’re losing them to homosexuality.

Our pastor preaches against homosexuality, but that’s as far as he goes, he does nothing about the problem. I try to talk to other women in the church about doing something about this, but most of them shush me, like I have a problem, and they pretend that they don’t see it. Everyone acts like as long as you don’t ask and don’t tell, nothing is wrong.

But something is wrong. The Bible says: If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act . . .  -  Lev. 20:13

Please, G, tell the truth and shame the devil among us. This is an abomination and I, for one, can’t take it anymore.

                                                                     Makes me Wanna Holla!

THE DEAL

Alllrighty, then, Holla!  Take a deep breath, Sister-girl, grab a church fan and cool yourself down a minute. You and I do agree on one thing – and one thing only: Issues that generate this much controversy and division in the church community should not be swept under the pulpit and can, in fact, provide an excellent opportunity for the church to founder understanding and acceptance within their congregations.

As with most things kept in the dark, controversial issues have a tendency to scare us until they’re viewed in the light of day and their assumed dangers are dispelled. And this issue is a BIG one, lurking “in the closet” and generating — arguably — more controversy and dissension than any other topic in the Christian community.

“Most major Christian denominations hold the view that homosexuality is sinful,” including the Roman Catholic Church, Evangelical Protestant and Presbyterian churches, Assemblies of God, and Southern Baptist Convention, among others, according to Wikipedia.

Some Christian religions have come to believe that homosexuality is not an inherently sinful practice, while others actively debate the issue. Most, unfortunately, take the stance of the military – “don’t ask; don’t tell,” bypassing a perfect spiritual “teachable moment.” Even within similar religious groups, churches vary on their stance and handling of the topic.

The debate rages in the scientific community about preference or predisposition. Meanwhile, politicians and clergymen (of all religions) who’ve railed against homosexuality are caught – literally — with their pants down, gay bashings and beatings are on the upswing, and yet another chasm is widened between human beings, as we attempt to establish the rightness of our positions. Whether we view homosexuality as a scientific or moral issue, more than likely, we humans will never agree on a topic as personal and individual as sexual orientation. So here is . . .

THE REAL

 Judge not lest ye be judged – Matthew 7:1

Ahhight, Holla. I see that I’m “talking to the hand” and you’re ready to write me off. But please hear me out. If some of our most revered spiritual leaders are doing personal battle with their sexual orientation, isn’t it possible that the issue isn’t as black and white, right or wrong as we want it to be? That, at the very least, we should seek to understand before we condemn?

You see, although I don’t agree with you, I do understand where you’re coming from, Holla. The truth is that it’s human nature to be uncomfortable with those whom we perceive to be different from ourselves. If we are raised in, and our values anchored by, the traditional family, it’s understandable that alternative lifestyles seem strange – even forbidden – to us. If our religious beliefs further condemn those lifestyles, then our objections take on the passionate tone such as yours. But the bottom line is this: only God can judge.

You stated that your pastor preaches against but “does nothing about” the gay members of your congregation. What would you have him do? Smoke ‘em out? Perhaps his acceptance is a message to the congregation at large: judge not . . .

If his words or actions cause you internal conflict, it is your right and Christian obligation to question what you might perceive as hypocrisy. Perhaps your pastor is unaware of the dissonance caused by his words. The late, openly gay author, E. Lynn Harris, stated in his book, Say a Little Prayer, “  . . . anti-gay sermons are a good way to pack the pews. At some of these big churches, the anti-gay sermons used to be once or twice a year. Now, it could be once or twice a month.” Ask your minister to help you understand the purpose of his sermons.

If, despite his explanation, you are adamantly opposed to sharing God’s refuge with others who are less than perfect, I’m afraid you’ll be on a fruitless, non-ending journey, as none of us have achieved perfection, and no such place exists.

You spoke of the black men who have been murdered or are in prisons with a degree of compassion, Holla. Some of the men who committed those crimes have clearly broken one or more of the Ten Commandments, and may be members of your congregation. It’s difficult for me to believe that a woman whose religious convictions are as strong as your own would advocate “doing something about ” them, other than offering them prayer and understanding. You should do no less for individuals whose only “crime” is being different from you.

Straight up, Holla, I doubt that you consider every man who crosses your path to be an appropriate, potential partner, sexual orientation notwithstanding.  The openly gay men are, at the very least, honest about who they are. Perhaps you should focus your crusade on the men who are not so honest about their preferences (another story, another time).

Keep that in mind the next time a fella with a “flair” waves his hand and raises his voice along with yours in high praise of God. Let your time of worship be about Him, not about him.

                                                                         G