Dear G-
I’m a 29 year-old Christian woman, and I have decided to remain celibate until I’m married. I met a man on your website several months ago and we have been dating off and on since then. He recently asked me to join him on a cruise to the Bahamas this coming summer and said he would pay for everything.
Even though I enjoy his company, I don’t think he’s “the one”. I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise, but have never been able to afford it. So this is a really good opportunity for me that I might not have again any time soon. I also don’t want to offend or alienate him by saying no. But , I’m concerned that if I accept his gift it will obligate me in some way. Should I go?
Cruise or Lose
THE DEAL
A (wo)man’s wisdom gives patience. Proverbs 19-11
Whassup Cruisah? Girl, yeah you should go on the cruise! O-o-o-weee! Break out the fans and the smelling salts for the good saints. As they contemplate the prospect of you losing your virtue, they’re losing their minds.
But, as with most things, it’s not so much about what you do, as it is how you do it. And we’re going to get you on that cruise the Christian way. So tell the “virtue-keepers” to hold up a minute and you do the same.
To be sure, they do have some cause for concern. Today’s dating culture is too often one of low-commitment/low expectations, casual “sex without strings.” Rutgers University conducted a study and published the results in 2000, called the National Marriage Project.
According to that study the first priority of men and women in their early twenties is getting a decent job and a place of their own. Neither is in a rush to get married. However, by the second half of their twenties, while “men are content to continue the pattern established in their early twenties” (which includes a love-‘em-and-leave-‘em philosophy), women become “more serious about the search for a marriage partner.” Their courting expectations however, remain the same.
Many women expect, and consider it their right, to be wined, dined and otherwise supported by a man who is interested in furthering the relationship. A lot of men, on the other hand, feel that if you are willing to “pay the Piper,” they are willing to pay to play. And there in lies the rub.
You didn’t mention your age, so I don’t know where you fit in the marriage-priority spectrum. But you seem to be very clear on your values and expectations. Have you been equally as open and clear with your friend? Does he know and accept your commitment to celibacy until you’re married? Does he know that he’s not “the one”? That puts your relationship in a permanent platonic state. Is he good with that? The answers to those questions should help you determine whether or not you want to cruise with or without him.
THE REAL
In Matthew 19:10-12 Jesus says that celibacy is a special gift that not everyone can manage.
Cruisah-Girl, the question shouldn’t be whether or not you should accept his gift of paying for the cruise. (The answer to that is “uh, uh, don’t do it, Girl”). It’s whether you want him to accompany you on the cruise that you pay for. Given your statement that he is not “the one”, you should really think carefully about the implications of accepting his gift – to yourself and to him.
A gift is described as any item given freely to another without need of reciprocation. That doesn’t speak to the expectation of reciprocity. The value of the gift and the expectation of reciprocation are often inversely proportionate. In other words, there are no free lunches! If he pays, he will have expectations of you.
If you accept, you’ll feel obligated at the most; pressured at the least. This cruise should be a “moment” in your life. You want it to be carefree and fun-filled. If you really feel that being in his company will enhance the experience for you:
- Tell him you’d love to go
- Tell him you’re gonna pay, and then
- Begin planning and saving for the cruise, Girl
That being said, I have a caveat: I have the utmost respect for your Christian values and commitment to celibacy, but do keep in mind the potential effects of the relaxed environment of the cruise and the balmy climate of the tropics. In his book Consumer Behavior in Travel and Tourism, Abraham Pizam listed “a high degree of relaxed camaraderie” and “high spirits and casual sexual encounters” as typical behaviors during cruises. Again, think twice about going on your cruise with “not-the-one”.
While it’s difficult to pin down an absolute cost for a cruise, the question is “how bad do you want it?” Start now researching the cost of cruises. Give some thought as to when you want to go, where you want to go and how long you want to stay. With the impact of our economy on luxury items, many cruise lines are offering deep discounts to encourage people to travel – some up to 82% off, depending on when you book them (cruisecheap.com).
Have a little bit of patience. If you don’t go on a cruise next year, you might be able to go the following year. The Bahamas aren’t going anywhere any time soon. Take your time and consider some of the following questions posted on a cruise website that will help you determine the cost of your cruise.
- The time of year you choose to take your cruise
- Where you’d like to go
- Which cruise line you like
- The type of accommodations you select
- The number of people sharing your cabin
- The package inclusions in addition to the cruise fare
- What promotional offers are available when you make your reservation
- How quickly you are able to pay for your booking once you’ve been quoted the rates
- Where you live or where you will be flying from
Listen, Cruisah-Girl, I know that the economy is truly jacked up. For those in the mid- to low end of the economic strata, it’s treacherous. When you’re concerned with making ends meet and handling the bare essentials in life, it’s hard to see outside the box. But that’s where the answers to your cruise money are going to be. With a little planning and a lot of faith, you can make it happen!
Look for my upcoming article on how to save money for a vacation.
In the meantime, have some good, clean fun with “not-the-one”!
G
