Your woman gains weight—how should you handle it…and is it “un-Christian” to call it quits?

Dilemma

I have been dating my girlfriend for two years and over time she has gained about 50 pounds. She has always had a curvy body that I love and I don’t want her to be too skinny or no meat on her bones. I do love a woman’s body and curves. But as she gains more weight, I am definitely feeling less attracted to her. She says she feels bad about the way she looks and that she wants to lose the weight and get back to how she looked before. The problem is that she doesn’t really do anything to help such as diet or workout. I feel like as she gains more I am starting to look at other women and fantasize. I know this sounds horrible and I am embarrassed because I am a Christian and shouldn’t care how she looks, and I do believe I love her. Should I leave her or tell her she needs to lose weight or just hope that I can stay faithful?

Deconstruction

I am actually very happy that you brought up this topic (as well as thrilled for one of our brothers to be writing in!) This issue of weight gain is not uncommon, and it is important because it relates to a bigger issue: How much of a part does appearance play in Christian couplings…and as Believers, are we banned from expressing displeasure if our partner’s appearance changes for the worse over time?

The role of appearance in Christian Couples

Nicholle Williams (our Editor) recently wrote an insightful article about the part played by chemistry in Christian couplings (see “Think You’re ‘Too Christian’ to Care about Chemistry? Think Again,” August 2008). Her primary point is that, as Christians, we cannot make the mistake of thinking that we are somehow “above” being affected by appearance in choosing a romantic partner. While we are Believers, we are also human beings…and as such, physical attraction is going to play a part.

Importantly, however, she goes on to explain that chemistry is not all about objective “looks”; smell and pheromones and many other factors are involved, and what’s a knockout to one may be nothing special to another. That being said, when we choose someone to be our lifelong romantic partner, we are choosing them based in part on the fact that we find them physically attractive. So while I would certainly advise anyone to put the greatest emphasis on traits like kindness, compassion, spirituality, sense of humor, generosity, and motivation, when picking a partner, physical attraction is part of the puzzle; to deny its place is, as Nicholle says, setting “yourself up for a life of fighting off the urge to stray.”

Relational agreements: “I promise to stay somewhat the same”

To analyze this issue of our partners changing physically, we should start by looking at the implicit agreements we make when we enter into a relationship of any kind. While, obviously, romantic relationships are distinctly different than business contracts, they are, nonetheless, agreements of a sort, and they carry with them certain overt and covert understandings; one of these understandings is that neither person will change too much from the person we promised to be with.

When we think about it from a behavioral standpoint, it makes immediate sense: If our partner begins acting or treating us totally different than they did at the onset, most people would agree we are justified in asking them to change back, and if they don’t, looking at leaving as a last resort. For example, many women complain that their husbands or boyfriends stop doing romantic things once they are together for some time; and I feel this is a valid complaint. From the male viewpoint, if someone pairs up with an easygoing gal who becomes a non-stop nagger once they get serious, I don’t think we’d just expect him to handle it. If you think about it, we fall in love with someone based on a constellation of characteristics…we choose them based on these traits, and we expect they will not deviate too much from them.

In my opinion, one’s appearance is not so different. Sure, our partner announcing that they are changing faiths or have changed their minds about children certainly ranks higher on the scale of unacceptable alterations than, say, gaining weight or going blond. However, as I keep reiterating, significant alterations—and a 50-pound weight gain is one—do, on some level, violate our covert couple’s contract.

In or out of one’s control and putting forth effort to please our partners

Aside from this notion of staying similar to the person we met, there is another issue at work here: This is the aspect of something being within our control versus outside of our control and our decision to do things (when we can) to please our partners.

When we talk about people “losing their looks,” couples typically turn to one another and ask, “Would you still love me if I got in a disfiguring accident?” “What if I became ill and gained 100 pounds?” “Will you be attracted to me when I’m 70 and sagging all over the place?” They quizzically and concernedly pose to their partners these scenarios because they are looking for reassurance that the other’s love is deep enough to withstand the wearing away of one’s attractiveness or that it is not the only reason they find them fabulous.

And while most anyone—certainly anyone with the depth and compassion of a Christian—will answer in the affirmative, there is something similar about all of these situations: The change in the person’s appearance is due to factors outside of their control. And this is an important distinction. On the other hand, when someone simply stops taking care of themselves or no longer puts effort into maintaining their appearance, their partner often reads this as a direct disregard for their desires. They feel as if their partner’s actions (or lack of action) says, “I don’t care that much about pleasing you” or “I feel so comfortable that I no longer need to be concerned about making you happy.” It actually becomes more than a plain-and-simple appearance issue. If you think about it, it’s not much different than the wife who explains to her husband that it makes things much easier for her when he takes out the trash on time, yet he continues to ignore her request; it seems, to the partner being disregarded, that their spouse takes them for granted or isn’t interested in expending effort to please them.

Sincere support and affirmative actions

So while I’ve defended your desire to have your girlfriend return to her original appearance (or close to it), this does not mean you can ignore the fact that for many women (and men) losing weight is a very difficult undertaking. And since overeating is often tied to emotional issues, the more you nag or make her feel unloved and unsupported, the more she will actually be tempted to chow down on chocolate and chips!

Therefore, the key is to build her up to help her weight come down. Start by telling her how much you love her, find her beautiful, and understand how hard it is to lose weight. But also point out that while you of course feel she’s still attractive, you picked her as a partner because of her whole package…and part of that perfect package was her amazing appearance. Also stress that a weight gain of 50 pounds, on anyone, is not healthy, and that since you plan on spending your lives together (assuming you do), you want to make sure you have a lifetime together. Finally, point out that if the situation were reversed, you would trust her to tell you if she found a change in your appearance or actions less than desirable. Explain to her also that you know she is not happy with her current weight, and more than anything, you want a happy, healthy woman in your life!

Once you’ve had the heart to heart, the next step is to put a plan together…for both of you. If you’re like the vast majority of Americans, you could probably stand to lose a few pounds yourself, firm up, or at least increase your cardiovascular activity level. Studies consistently show that everyone should be engaging in regular activity and eating a diet consisting primarily of lean proteins, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables (albeit with the occasional treat or junk food indulgence). So even if you are one of the few who can gorge on greasy food and still remain slim, it will catch up with you eventually from a health perspective. Finally, it’s been shown that those with supportive spouses who engage in a weight loss plan with them have more success than those who have to go it alone. So map out an activity plan together and fill both your fridges with healthy fare.

Most importantly, don’t forget to cut her some slack during the process. It’s not uncommon for people who are giving up excessive sugar consumption or daily doses of Doritos to become temporarily irritable, and frustrated if results don’t come rapidly. So make sure to empathize with the emotional ups and downs of dieting. And keep the compliments coming! Show your support by regularly acknowledging how hard she’s trying and how difficult it is to stick to a diet…but how hot she looks as she returns to her healthier weight.

But what if…

Before I wrap things up, I will address the concern I know you are contemplating…what if she doesn’t? What if she continues to gain weight, and you continue to find yourself less attracted to her and more interested in other women? To this I say the following: Try your best to focus on the other wonderful (and beautiful) qualities your girlfriend possesses. Talk to a trusted pastor, and look to prayer to light your way. In the event that all else fails, and you simply can’t rediscover the romantic relationship, it is your right to move on. It is not, however, your right to be unfaithful.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina