Dear G-

I am a 55-year old Christian woman and I lost my husband to cancer 10 years ago. We were together for 45 years. He was my best friend in grade school and we got married right out of high school. He was the love of my life and I haven’t been around another man before or after him. When he passed away, I wanted to go right along with him, but that was not God’s will.

It took me a long time to move on, but I believe it is time for me to seek another partner in my life. I’m lonely a lot and even though I love my family and friends, I miss having a special man.

When I look in the mirror, I see gray hair and an old lady and it’s hard to believe anyone would be interested in me. All the women on TV are young and beautiful and it just doesn’t seem like there’s a place for women my age when it comes to dating.

Please don’t tell me about age being just a number. I know what I see and it doesn’t look good. My friends say I should act my age and forget about finding a man who would want to spend time with me. I was so happy being part of a good relationship. Do you think it’s possible to have that again?

Silver and Sad

THE DEAL

“Gray hair is a glorious crown; it is found in the way of righteousness” Proverbs 16:31

Silver, I’m not even going to tiptoe around on this one. If you let society (or your friends) define your value, you’ll find yourself bottoming out quicker than the dollar bill.

I won’t insult you with platitudes and fake fillers, but you need an immediate infusion of perspective, here. In today’s society, ageism, particularly as it relates to women, is rampant. In some ways, the “A” in Aging is the new Scarlet Letter. Unlike the letter worn by Hester Prynne, Hawthorne’s main character isolated for her acts of adultery and out-of-wedlock childbearing, the New Scarlet Letter is shared by millions of women in America over the age of 50.

Signs of our alleged transgressions are obvious, and sometimes subject us to a societal shaming, similar to what you are experiencing from your friends. A thickening waistline, reduced tautness of the skin, visible character lines, and graying hair – all put the spotlight on our crime of Aging!

And it’s toxic: many of us are ashamed of our aging bodies, feel guilty about our supposed vanity, and torture ourselves relentlessly with quick–quack, ineffective, and often dangerous cures in an attempt to slow the march of the years.

Our youth-obsessed, image-conscious society, driven by rapidly increasing corporate coffers, has successfully reduced the measure of the value of older women to a physical — preferably thin — line of youth. Keeping your self-esteem low keeps their bottom lines lush.

So successful have been the efforts of corporate advertising and media brainwashing campaigns targeting reversal of the aging process, that Americans contributed more than $40 billion to the diet industry, more than $13 billion to the plastic surgery business in 2007 (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery-ASAPS), and approximately  $18.5 billion to the fitness industry in 2007 (IHRSA – International Health, Racquet and Sports club Association), in an effort to avoid the dreaded condition. The majority of clients in all three categories? Women over 50!

And yet, in contradiction to societal values and in accordance with the Bible, old age is revered as a fulfillment of a life devoted to God, carrying both responsibilities and blessings which “are to be accepted with gratitude and in a sense of stewardship” (Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission).  So how are older Christian women to balance their faith with the facts and fears associated with the New Scarlet Letter?

THE REAL

The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old

– Proverbs 20:29

Our bodies, and the world in which we live, are complex entities existing in what appears to be a constant state of chaos. But in keeping with chaos theory, there is an underlying order that is not readily apparent to the human eye or understanding – it’s called “God’s Plan.”

Aging is a natural, inevitable process, the ultimate end over which we have no control. If we are fortunate enough to be “blessed with long life”, our bodies, minds and spirits will change to reflect the wisdom, caring, personality and knowledge that make us beautiful and interesting. We are relieved of the need to rely solely on appearance.  Accept it and celebrate it! The world as an older woman is one of endless possibilities.

Your expectations and how you choose to view your journey as an older woman, can literally make or break you. The difference is Attitude! And attitude goes a long way in creating the “attraction factor” that makes you interesting to the opposite sex.

Attitude not only affects our expectations of how we will fare in life, it also signals to the world how we see ourselves and how we expect to be treated. Walking with confidence and your head held high says to the world “I’m worth it”. The body that you consider less than perfect is God’s temple. Revere it as you would any of God’s gifts. Believe in yourself, and work it, girl!

To all my Christian sisters wearing the New Scarlet Letter, celebrate your gift of long life and trust in God’s purpose. If you desire the gift of love in your life, remember that you, too, are a gift from God! The right man is sure to recognize and honor you as a beautiful, silver jewel.

I will be your God throughout your lifetime — until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. -Isaiah 46:4

G