Dear G-

I am a 30-year old black, single father and have had sole custody for two years of my son who is 12 and my daughter who is 8. Their mother moved to another city to go to school, and we agreed that it would be better for them to stay with me so they wouldn’t have to change schools. She was 16 when Marcus was born and 18 when she had Marquita. We were never right for each other and never got married, but we still deal for the sake of the kids.

I was pretty wild before my kids moved in with me and I had to make a lot of changes in my life for them. Before then I wasn’t interested in dating women who had children. Now I need to meet women who understand that my children come first in my life.

The problem is that most women I meet who are around my age want to get serious right away and have children, or else they want someone who is free. All I hear is “how come you can’t come out/hang out and party” or “why can’t you do this or that and spend more time with me?” On top of that, my daughter is jealous of any woman who comes around me and that makes it bad, too.

I would like to have a regular companion, but she’s got to come correct and understand that I don’t want to have any more kids and I really don’t want to get married. Am I wrong and do those women even exist?

                                                            Big Mark

THE DEAL

“Too many black fathers . . . have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men”  – Barack Obama, 2008 presidential campaign.

Big Mark! You don’t know how glad I am to hear from you, dude! I’m sure you’re aware, probably more so than most people, of the bad rap black men have when it comes to taking care of their kids. When the president of the United States chastises a whole race of fathers for negligence, you know your reputation is in the sewer.

But you’re part of a demographic that has been invisible and largely unrecognized for decades – single, black custodial fathers who are raising their children on their own. Sadly, in our society, it’s much easier – and more dramatic – to shine the light in dark spaces, and the bright areas usually go unacknowledged. 

So, on behalf of all black women, I salute and commend you for standing up and doing the right thing. And contrary to popular belief, there are quite a few men like you.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2006, 4.8% of black children were living in father-only households, a higher percentage than that of white children living in similar situations. Even though that’s not a large percentage, the good news is that the number has been steadily increasing over the past decades.

When you consider the fact that black men as a whole have a much steeper hill to climb when it comes to choices that impact parenting, the kudos for single black fathers should go up exponentially. Issues facing black men include:

• Lower educational attainment
• Lower incomes and higher unemployment
• Lack of benefits and job security

                                    (Ron  Haskins, Economic Mobility of Black and White Families, 2006)

 In addition (and perhaps a result of the above), a statistically higher number of black fathers report symptoms of depression and 12% have health and/or disability problems. (Anderson, Kohler and Letiecq, 2005)

 It’s definitely an uphill climb, Big Mark. So with that as a backdrop, let’s take a look at your question about the existence of women who are willing and able to deal with the things you confront daily and your desire to remain single.

I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. – 1 Corinthians 7:7-8

THE REAL

 Jesus and his direct followers remained single their entire lives. And today, nearly half the adult population is unmarried.  Uhhh, that’s a lotta people! And they’re staying single longer. With current divorce statistics, singleness is just as likely to be the current status of adults as is marriage. We can debate all day long the issue of right or wrong, but we still have to dance to the tune of what is.

 So no! Your desire to remain single is not wrong, Big Mark – you have a right to choose! And yes, women who are supportive of your choices and understanding of the importance of your role as father do exist. Maybe you’re lookin’ for love in all the wrong places”, though.

 You didn’t mention whether or not you attend church with your children. But given the myriad challenges you face as a single father, the spiritual support for both you and your children that a good church home provides would be invaluable.

 Like you, other single fathers have modified their socializing so as not to expose their children to questionable behaviors and to set a good example for them. Where better to find women who exhibit the values you want your children to share than a church of your choosing?

 With women outnumbering men beginning around the age of 18, the numbers are definitely in your favor. A Christian woman can definitely provide a positive female perspective for your daughter, as well. And don’t underestimate the positive effect of  social relationships with your friends and family. Even though your dating activities may be somewhat hampered by your role of father, there are many other ways of expanding your adult interactions with others. You just need to think outside the box.

 Consider women who may be somewhat older than the “partying people” you’re used to being with. How about taking a second look at women who also have children? Needless to say, they will be understanding and supportive of the issues you face daily and can probably offer some suggestions on dealing with problems that, to most men, seem insurmountable – especially with your daughter.

 There are a number of social organizations that cater to single parents, including some whose membership is comprised of black, single fathers exclusively.  Single African American Father’s Exchange provides a “common sense approach to parenting oriented towards the single African American father. Their website provides information, tips, articles and other information designed to enhance the parenting experience for single African American men.”

 Singlefather.org, while not exclusive to African American fathers, provides articles and resources that may be helpful to you as you progress through your role of fatherhood. In addition, there are some exceptional women who are part of the faithmate.com community who would welcome the opportunity to be involved with a stable and dedicated man like yourself.

 Hang in there, Big Mark. Single fathers are reporting that the effect of parenting for them has been surprisingly positive. Most fathers, according to The Best Kept Secret: Single Black Fathers, a book by Roberta L. Coles, believe that their role as single, black fathers have made them better people or made their lives better.

 It’s not an easy job, but it is a rewarding one. A saw a good prayer that you might want to remember consider using:

 “Father, these are your children on loan to me. Help me to teach them in such a way that they will one day return to you and you will want them. Help me never to discourage their growth as your children.

 Sounds like you’re doing a good job, Big Mark. Keep up the good work!

 G