READ BEFORE DATING: 8 Signs You Are NOT Ready to Date Again (and Tips for Turning Things Around)

If you’re considering getting back in the game, I suggest reading the June 2009 article which gives 10 guidelines for getting ready to date after a period of being single or in a serious relationship.  These tips will help prepare you to meet, mingle, and eventually mate by boosting your self-esteem and your skill in the delicate dance we call “dating.”

But what if you aren’t sure whether you want (or are even emotionally ready) to start dating again?  What if you are not certain you’re at the point to start looking for a partner?  Sometimes, people who have no business being out there come bounding out of one relationship and blast full steam ahead into (usually a series of) others.  The result is they ruin their chances with great gals and guys…and leave a string of confused casualties in their wake.

Below are some surefire signs that you are not ready to get back in the dating game.  Some of these issues require work to make yourself more ready and increase your chances of success.  While, for others, the only real remedy is time.

Signs you’re not ready to look for love

If you’re on the fence about finding love, you can use the following as a test to determine your readiness.  Read the solution suggestions below: They’ll either give you guidelines for getting ready, or advise calling a timeout, so you can enter into your next relationship healed and healthy.

1. You’re fresh out of a serious relationship

Explanation: The longer (and more serious) your last relationship, the more time you’ll need to mend.  And even if you were the one who wanted out, you still need time to grieve the loss of love, and figure out who you are again on your own.

Solution: Time.  But as far as how long you should wait, there is no universal duration.  Instead, you should wait as long as it takes you to “reset.”  This means you have given in to your grief, and set up life again as a single person.  And finally, that you have gotten to the point where you are comfortable being on your own.  In other words, you have rediscovered yourself and what you want, which takes—you guessed it—time.  Because only when you can approach love from a fresh perspective will you be healthy enough to unite with another.

2. You’re (still) angry, suspicious, or cynical

Explanation: If you’re still angry at your ex—or stuck in the stage where every man (or woman) is viewed with skepticism—you’re not going to have much luck finding new love.  Because love involves opening your heart.  And until you are healed enough for that to happen, well…it won’t.

Solution: Time and work.  Yes, the passing of time will give you perspective.  But if a breakup was a serious blow, or one in a string of unsuccessful unions, you might need to talk to a professional to move past your pain and anger.

3. You have no idea what went wrong in your last relationship

Explanation: Even if it’s been two decades since your divorce, it’s crucial you gain some insight into why your last relationship ended.  Because if you don’t know what went wrong, how can you keep it from happening again?

Solution: Work.  It’s tempting to say, “It was him, not me.”  But the truth is, in most cases, a relationship fails because of two parts: Part of the problem was you; and part was whom you picked.  Both are within your control.  So placing blame on what a jerk your last guy was won’t help much with your next man.  Analyzing why you selected someone who treated you as such will.

4. You’re really insecure about your appearance

Explanation: Confidence is sexy.  And no one is drawn to someone who feels frumpy and undesirable.

Solution: Work.  In fact, waiting around to feel better about yourself is completely counterproductive.  So if it’s one aspect of your appearance that’s bringing you down, fix the issue (see “Readying Yourself for Romance Part I: The Physical Preparation”).  If it’s an overall feeling, fix your attitude (see “Christian Singles: Tips for Overcoming Insecurity”).  In either case, there’s nothing sadder than a beautiful woman letting her life go by without love, because she was waiting to lose those last 10 pounds.  Now is the time!  Either fix your flaw or focus on your assets.  Period.

5. You don’t realize your self-worth

Explanation: If you’ve been belittled or put down by a previous partner—or you’ve suffered a string of bad experiences while single—you’re likely to aim too low or settle for someone who doesn’t really do it for you.

Solution: Work.  Should you find yourself thinking things like, “Who would want someone like me?” or, “What do I have to offer?” you have some internal effort ahead of you.  Whether it’s seeing a Christian counselor or making a list of your positive qualities, if you’re going to attract someone worthy of you, you need to consider yourself worthy.

6. You don’t remember how to date

Explanation: Especially if you’re staring at the other side of 50 and you’ve either been married for decades or single for what seems like centuries, you probably feel out of the loop on looking for love.  You may feel like so much has changed that you don’t know where to start…or you worry you’ll make a fool of yourself in today’s dating world.

Solution: That LAST thing you need is more time!  In fact, I suggest you get moving immediately.  Start by reading “Readying Yourself for Romance Part III: Brushing Up on Behavior.” Then, remember this: Most singles your age are in the same boat, and they’re just as fearful and confused as you.  So laugh it off!  Be yourself, and be honest that you’ve been out of the game.  This will break the ice and quite possibly help you bond.

7. You’re on and off with your ex

Explanation: There’s nothing worse than dragging someone new into a game of back-and-forth with the guy/gal you’ve been dating forever.  Because not only is this not nice, it’s downright destructive to your first relationship.

Solution: Time.  If you have held off on dating because you aren’t sure where things will end up with your ex, you need to hold out a little longer.  Explain to your ex that either you must make a serious effort as a couple, or cut the cord for good.  This will let you approach dating with a clean conscience and an open heart.

8. You’re loving your alone time

Explanation: Especially if you are semi-fresh from a long relationship—or finally finding your footing after years spent unhappily alone—the fact that you are reveling in your alone time should tell you something.  This something is that you might need a few months to rediscover yourself and what you want in a mate…which may be very different than what you wanted last time around.

Solution: Time.  In this case, there’s no need to rush or pressure yourself to find a partner.  Because when you’re ready to get back out there, you’ll know: You’ll begin to long for companionship, and you’ll start wishing you had someone to share things with.  This will be your internal signal to start looking again.

The final word

Assessing where you are on your path to finding love will prevent you from jumping in with the wrong partner or hurting an innocent someone because you are really not ready.  Reading the guidelines above should help you put in the work necessary to make sure you are open, healed, and healthy before diving back into dating.

And when you are over your ex and feeling your life would be fuller with a special someone, take action by asking your friends for setups and joining that Christian dating site!