Dear G-
I feel like I am losing my mind! A few months ago I met and fell in love with a man that I believed was the love of my life. He said he felt the same way. In fact, he told me the first week after we met that I was going to be his wife. He treated me to “special days”, was super attentive, always affectionate and said he had never felt like this about anyone. I believed God had sent him to me.
Then things started to change. We would make plans to do things together and he’d stand me up. Sometimes he would call me late at night and tell me that he had been working with his cousin on a music video and lost track of time. Sometimes he just didn’t show up at all.
He had told me there was no one else in his life. But a month into the relationship, I found out that he was living with another woman who was, supposedly, much prettier than I am. I was so hurt. When I told him that I didn’t want to see him again, he started crying and asking for forgiveness.
Sometimes he would call me more than 15 times a day and leave messages about how much he needed me. By that time, I was so in love with him that I forgave him, and he eventually moved into his own apartment.
The problem is that I’ve caught him in many lies since then, and he always has a good explanation that makes me end up forgiving him. His cell phone is never working right or he leaves it somewhere, so it’s hard for me to get in touch with him. He seems to find “little” things about me that he makes negative comments about.
He says that I’m insecure and the reason that he tells me lies is because he knows I’ll overreact if he tells me the truth. I’m starting to believe him, because the times that we are together are magical and he is kind and loving.
I have never met anyone like him, G. He is so special, and he seems to need my reassurance and compliments all the time, which makes me feel that he loves and needs me, too. I’m trying to be more trusting, and trying to be the kind of woman he wants because I want him in my life. But my life with him is a sickening roller coaster ride. What do you think? I think I’m . . .
Crazy in Cali
THE DEAL
Girrrrl!!!! You are not crazy . . . he is!
I have six words for you: Get away! Get Away! Get Awaaaay! This is a bad-news-dude! It sounds to me like he has classic NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Hold up! Before you start shaking your head in denial, let me clarify something. Most people think of narcissists as being mirror-junkies, men who are always primping and preening, hyper-concerned about their appearance, obviously in love with themselves – like Narcissus, the fine dude in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection.
And some of them are that way. But the classic narcissist is more like your dude, and compulsive lying is one of the most noticeable symptoms of the disorder.
According to Seth Rosenthal at the John F. Kennedy School of Government’s Center for Public Leadership at Harvard University, narcissists usually:
1) aren’t playing by the same set of interpersonal ‘rules’ that most people are”
2) tend to go through a string of short-term relationships that don’t last long and
3) “even when they’re in a relationship, they always seem to be on the lookout for other partners and searching for a better deal.”
Just like your dude, when you first meet them, they are so charming and attentive that they appear to be too good to be true. That’s because they are neither good nor true.
The initial impression and the occasional “magical times” usually have you thinking that you are the one who is crazy (Ex.“Crazy in Cali”). That, too, is a sign that you are dealing with a narcissist – their ability to make you doubt yourself. If you need a few more characteristics to measure this dude by, check out some of those listed by the Mayo Clinic about narcissists. They:
- Believe they’re special and better than others
- Expect constant praise and admiration
- Fail to recognize (or care about) other people’s emotions and feelings
- Fantasize about their power, success and attractiveness
- Have a fragile self esteem
The real clincher here is that people with NPD won’t (or can’t) change their behavior – even when you are obviously hurt and distressed by their actions — they always blame other people for their problems. They are emotional vampires whose insides are stone, cold empty and you cannot fill the void. In fact, the more you try, the more you’ll cry. So Cali, here’s . . .
THE REAL
Strength and self-respect are her clothing; she is facing the future with a smile.
–Proverbs 31:25
To have a future of mutual love and respect with a man, strength and self-respect must be your mantra, regardless to whom you select as a significant other.
Sister-girl, you and the love you offer are beautiful gifts from God. I can sense and feel that, even though I haven’t met you personally. A man who doesn’t recognize and respect those gifts does not deserve you.
Do not blame yourself. Do not try to change yourself. For the narcissist, it is not about you. It is all about him. When a person is empty and without a spirit, there is nothing that will fill their void. Having a beautiful woman, as you say his previous love interest is, did not stop him from being unfaithful to her. Being loving and kind will not make him respect or be faithful to you.
Attempting to fix yourself and/or the “relationship” will result in your feeling diminished and damaged until you, too, feel void on the inside. Your spirit and instincts are telling you that there is something wrong with this man. Trust your instincts. They are messages from God. As a Christian woman, you should certainly pray for this man. But you should not stay with this man.
Cali, there are men available who are honest and trustworthy, and who will value, love and respect you for the wonderful person you are. Do not settle for less . . . even if it means that your search for that person may take a little longer.
But, first, you have to uncover the strength within to believe in and respect yourself. Keep your mind and your heart open, Cali. Continue to explore the possibilities of the Christian men on Faithmate and those recommended by your friends and loved ones, and The Real man will come along.
G
(for more information on narcissism, see websites: narcissism101.com or Emotional Vampires)
2 Comments So Far
Hello, Your situation sounds very similiar to mine. I just broke up with my fiance yesterday for probably the 6th time. We have been dating for almost 4 years and he’s very loving, always bringing me food, calling me and his family knows me as his woman. During our relationship there has been many times he can’t be reached by phone, but he always has a good excuse, but questionalble and sometimes he has been unreachable for 4 hours and he wouldn’t be at work. He asked me to marry him within the 1st year of our relationship, and I accepted the ring. His phone is nonstop and sometimes late at night and he’s always very protective of it. One weekend he went out of town on a business trip and he left his cricket phone home and hid it in the other room, which I thought suspicious and he forgot to cut it off and kept ringing and found it and checked it out. Boy was I surprised, one girl sent him a naked picture of herself, one other he told he loved and missed her and another he missed her. I confronted him and the females when he got home, of course he denied it all, one female said they were just friends, the other two said differently and he said they were obsessed with him, so I believed him. Well one of the females contacted me at a latter date and provided proof he was lying and I moved out and got me an appartment. He again talked me into taking him back and convinced me nothing sexually was going on between them. Things had been good for a while, then anothe girl contacted me saying she was having his baby and her son was his. Of course he denied it and brought me DNA papers proving she was lying so I believed him. 2 months ago another woman called and told me they had been seeing each other for 4 years, but they had never had sexed, but had portrayed to her he was her man. He convinced me she was lying to, especially since she told me they had never had sex. Last night I saw on his phone him and a girl texting each other calling each other my love, good morning my love, etc. When I questioned him about it he said she was just a friend. I said freinds don’t call each other “My Love”. Of course he denied it. I don’t believe him or trust him any more, but he’s very convincing and will say you want leave things along you have to go looking for trouble. If you would just let me do what I need to do and stop checking up on me everything would be fine with it. He trys to make me feel the blame for everything and want admit that he’s in the wrong. I told him it’s over that I can’t handle this anymore, but this is not the 1st time I’ve told him this and ended up taking him back. He also hates telling me what he’s doing when he’s not working. He always answers “I’m handling business and I’ll be home as soon as I can” You have to pry out of him what he’s doing and what time he will be home and sometimes he will insist on just saying I’m handling business. All this is supicious to me! He always makes me feel very loved, always makes sure I’m taken care of sexually, takes care of my needs fiancially if needed and if I need him he’s always here, but I feel like there’s other woman. I feel like yes I am his main woman the woman his family knows as his and the one he likes to share his home with, but I feel he has at least 2 – 3 woman on the side and they get a part of him to and I can’t share him. He will look me right in the face and tell me I’m the only one and he loves only me, but then he will be texting other woman calling them “my love”. I’m sorry but that sounds more then just friends and he has to do something for them to sometimes, but there just suppose to be his friends. He will say how can you say that when I spend all my time with you. When do you think I could have time to spend with another woman. I always say it doesn’t take much time. A person can do alot in 30 mins. What do you think? I pray and hope I will be strong enough to not take him back. He called last night and I didn’t answer his call.
Hi Amanda,
I am by no means a relationship expert but your man sounds like he could be identical twin brothers with my ex-husband. The bahaviors you described were exactly the same behaviors, actions, and explanations my ex-husband exhibited and gave me before and while we were married. We got engaged too after a short period of time. He often got missing, lost his phone, and was caught lying about where he was and who he was with. This was on a regular basis. Once he figured out I was on to him, he became very vague about where he was and who he was with. He then starting working 7 days a week so he could have an excuse and get out of the house. He didn’t need to because we both made more than $60,000 a year. I also broke up with him and gave him his ring back but he talked me out of it. My mistake was marrying him. But I loved him so much and I wanted to trust him and did even though I shouldn’t have. He wouldn’t change no matter what I did. I prayed, fasted, went for counseling, cried and did everything in the book and to this day he has not changed. He had me feeling like I was crazy but I am not, he is. We are divorced and that was one of the best things I ever did. So from one sister to the next, please walk away and leave him alone. He will break your heart and you will spend years picking up the pieces and getting over it. He has no idea what he is putting you through and nor does he care because he feels you are privileged to even be with him. He will deny that he is doing anything and will continue to do what he wants with no regard for you or your feelings. There are some wonderful saved, loyal, honest men out there. Hold out until one comes your way.