Internet Porn – The Surf of Shame

Dear G-

My friend has been with a man for a few years (they have one baby together), and about three months ago she discovered that he was looking at porn a lot online.  She confronted him on it and he admitted that he can’t stop himself (those were his actual words) and that he tries to avoid those sites but he keeps going back.  Of course my friend thinks it has to do with how he feels about her.  He claims he loves her and doesn’t want to cheat and wouldn’t.  I have told my friend that as a Christian she should leave this man who sins daily.  But she says she really loves him and wants to try to work it out.  Can you help tell her (and me) what’s really going on and what you think she should do?

Got My Sister’s Back

THE DEAL

Sister-girl! The magnitude of your friend’s problem is much bigger than she can even imagine. Her boyfriend might not be in good company – but he’s definitely in B-I-G company!  The 40 million Americans who are sexually involved with the internet can Google “sex sites” and get a list of 934,000,000 sites that they can visit  — any time, day or night.

Unfortunately, despite Christian ideals and beliefs that hold us accountable to higher standards, we Christians ain’t holding up too well on that front, either. Five out of 10 men (50%) in church are struggling with pornography, according to “The Call to Biblical Manhood, Man in the Mirror,” 2004.  That’s 1/2, ladies . . . one-half!

And don’t get it twisted; it’s not a one-way street. More than 34% of churchgoing women said they have intentionally visited porn websites, according to a survey conducted by the Charlotte Observer. So some of the good sisters are surfin’, too. But sadly, it doesn’t stop there.

When 81 pastors were surveyed in 2000 by the National Coalition of Pastors, 98% said they were exposed to porn, and 43% of the pastors said they had intentionally accessed a sexually explicit website (oops!). Come on, now. The number surveyed might not be statistically significant, but it is spiritually significant.

The sheer range and numbers of people affected by this issue speak to the need for greater involvement by and assistance from the Christian community. What the Christian Community does not tackle, the corporate community will.

Internet porn constitutes a $2.5 billion industry annually in the U.S. alone. It has spurred books, reality shows, therapy specialties, rehab facilities, even a school offering 5 C.E. credits for a course called Cybersex Addiction & Internet Infidelity.

So what does all this mean for your friend? Should she stay or should she go?

THE REAL

The truth is that numbers don’t matter when it comes to matters of the heart. You’re a good friend to provide support for her on a subject that many of us consider extremely personal – sex. Talking with you is a good first step. Getting help with porn addiction can feel shameful, embarrassing or humiliating, and talking with a good and trusted friend opens the door.

But the problem is too big for you to resolve (and it ain’t your place to tell her to leave her man anyway, girl!) and is going to require that both she and her dude get professional help.

Think about it, she’s been with him for three years, and the problem with the porn is only three months standing (as far as she knows). Was the relationship good prior to that time? Are other aspects of the relationship good enough to merit the intense work that will be required for him to address his addiction?

‘Cause that’s what it is . . . an addiction. And like any addiction, you first have to admit you have a problem. He’s already done that, and deserves some credit for his honesty. If he really wants to recover from his addiction, the next step is outreach. They can’t afford to let it ride or wait it out. It will only get worse.

As for her thinking it’s something she is or is not doing, or that her physical appearance has anything to do with it, uh uh! get that outta yo head, girl! You can be Babe-a-licous , cater to his every sexual desire, be a staunch Christian woman and a great mother and companion, and he’ll still do the “surf of shame”. Just ask some of our Hollywood Pin-Up-Hotties. I’m not mentioning any names, but . . .

The bottom line is that real, honest love is a cherished gift that’s hard to find. Your friend loves her dude. I’m going to assume that he loves her, too. If she leaves him, she has a 50% chance that the next one will be addicted, too (you know what they say about greener grass).

Even the best relationships have ups and downs and hurdles to jump. True enough, this one is a biggie. But if love is there, and God is present in the relationship, chances are good that they can overcome this obstacle.

Several 12-step programs, similar to AA, are available . . . S-ANON, COSA and CODA. Tell your friend and her dude to research the organizations and choose the one that feels the most comfortable. Suggest they consult their pastor for spiritual guidance (and hope he’s one of the 57% who don’t visit porn sites), and maintain the open communication that’s gotten them this far.

G