Faithmate Dater Dilemma: As a Man Who’s a Virgin, How Can You Move Past Your Judgment of Singles Who’ve Been Sexually Active?

DATER DILEMMA:

I am a male, 23years old and just graduated from College.  I am still a virgin.  I am physically fit, good looking, six pack and I have a great height, and a very humble personality!  The question is I find it extremely difficult thinking of (dating-courting-marrying) a girl that is not a virgin or has been sexually active, even if she claims she has changed.

What I have personally observed is that many women and men try to experiment all they want while they are in college and high school, and when they are looking for a spouse, they choose to change, or claim that what they did was bad and is in their past.  I see this as cutting your cake and trying to have it too.

What bothers me most is that when I was at that age, I made that painful, tough decision to choose the right part, and I find it extremely difficult for women to blame it on their youth, or claim it was a mistake.

The problem is I really do not want this sexual thing to hinder me from dating someone that I like now, but she was in a relationship with a football player, and he was also not her first.  She now claims she is a Christian and is looking for a good guy.

The question is, I am trying to look beyond this, but I find it extremely difficult because I know the sacrifices I had to make to remain the way I am.  I had many sexual offers in college, and some came out straight up and told me they wanted it.  When I turned them down, they left, and I knew the pain that I had by having them leave.  The problem is, those people who left me were people like her who probably left good men while in college or high school to satisfy their selfish desires, then after college they search for the best.

I want to build a unique and intensely satisfying marriage with my spouse so she would have no reason to distrust or feel insecure about me.  I feel cheated and I also feel that I at least deserve someone with an equal standard.  But the reality is that they are hard to find, and many of them are less attractive (which may be why they have chosen celibacy).  Help, I feel alone and lonely!

In fact, at a time, I was the only one in my bible study that was a virgin and some of them while active in the bible study were sexually active with their girlfriends.  I feel all we hear is that everyone has had a bad past—but what if there are people who really don’t? (I don’t mean to sound conceited), but how about those who decided to take the old rugged cross all the way?  This lack of message for those who have really not had a crazy past creates a desire for me to want to experience sin and immorality so I could feel better, feel equal with everyone, and rid myself of being proud or arrogant against those who are sexually active.

Is my standard too high?  Am I doing wrong by greatly considering virginity as a major factor that will help me to fully trust my spouse?  Because I believe when you marry a woman who is a virgin, I would not need to compete with her “Ex” imaginarily!

I don’t want this thought to hinder me from a healthy relationship with someone, but it seems to be in my way.  Am I sick, or have I been toooooo spiritual?  Please I need help and counseling because I have resentment for those who were sexually active before marriage.

SOUL SOLUTION:

The first issue is that you are taking The Book so literally you are forgetting The Big Picture.  You have spent years using your willpower to adhere to The Word.  And while this does not go unrewarded, you have forgotten the foundation of Christianity: kindness, compassion, and an open heart toward others.  Rather than using your sexual purity to become closer to God, it is taking you toward judgment and a sense of superiority over your fellow man.

In your email, you ask if you are too spiritual.  My answer is of course not.  If the choice to remain a virgin is made out of a commitment to Christ, how can that be wrong?  But while it’s commendable that you’ve followed the commandments of Christianity, it’s now time to focus on what truly makes a person spiritual, a loving heart.

The reason for resentment

At the core of the issue is, as you said, resentment in your heart.  As you explain, you have endured pain and sacrifice to stay pure.  So you are angry with those Christians who went ahead and satisfied “their selfish desires.”  And you don’t believe they are now entitled to “the best” (i.e. you).  Essentially, you see yourself as a prize only deserved by someone who has made the same sacrifice.

Sexual purity…only one piece of the person

Again, I’ll note that your commitment is incredibly admirable.  But it does not make you a perfect person.  And it does not make all others are unworthy.

When it comes to evaluating a potential partner, sexual activity is only one piece of what a woman is made of.  Just as every virgin is not “good” and every other “bad,” you are really selling yourself short in the selection process if this is your primary point on which you assess women.

In the case of the lady you like (or any others you come across in the future), you need to look deeper to determine the kind of person she is; and this includes whether she has made selfless or self-indulgent decisions in other areas: Did she focus on working hard to build a good life?  Did she take care of family and friends when they needed help?  Does she stick to her word?   Is she an honest person?  A good friend?  And most importantly, does she treat others with kindness and respect?

Because, as you mention, there will be a certain group of women who will go through life trying to have their cake and eat it too.  And for them, giving in to their physical desires is representative of the rest of their person.  But there will also be other women who are honest when they say that experimenting was part of an immature period…or that it really felt right to them, and that they stand by their decision.  With these women, when you look at how they lived their lives as a whole, you will find a pattern of primarily positive actions.

As you mention, you have considered virginity, “a major factor that will help me to fully trust my spouse.”  But I don’t feel that virginity and honesty necessarily go hand in hand.  For example, if you didn’t want to date someone who had cheated on a companion, I could see some validity.  But especially if the woman is upfront about why she had sex in the past and how she feels about it, I think linking lying with fornication doesn’t have much base.

Furthermore, worrying that the woman will mentally imagine her ex during sex is a completely unfounded fear.  Not only will a woman who is in love with you not be thinking about her ex much at all—especially in the bedroom—but studies have shown that most women don’t fantasize about other men during sex period!

Why do you want a virgin?

Aside from feeling that a woman who has fornicated does not deserve you, there are two reasons you are likely so set on finding a virgin.  The first is that you are judging a woman entirely by whether she has had sex…and you worry you’ll land “a bad egg” if you risk getting romantic with a sexually active lady.  However, as I explained above, you need to take the entire person into account before making a decision.

The second scenario you may be scared of is that you will always resent the woman you are with.  Unlike the first reason, this is completely plausible…if you don’t do the work required to free yourself from judgment.

Doing away with judgment

To get past the perception of your experiences being unfair, you must change your mindset!  You must remember that abstinence is a personal choice.  No one forced you to turn down sexual advances—as you say, even some brothers in Bible study were having sex.  The point is you made your decision because it felt right to you. Unlike some people who believe premarital sex is sinful but do it anyway, you stuck to your convictions.  So stand by your choice now and let it be a source of pride, rather than a soapbox…or a source of unresolved resentment.

Aside from this, as you suggested, I recommend talking to someone: a Christian counselor, perhaps.  This will help you work through the anger and address the feeling that nobody is good enough.  It will help you see how everyone (yourself included) occasionally makes poor choices in life.  And it will help you get back to the belief that forgiveness is what we strive for as Christians.

The final word

As you seem to understand, searching for a soul mate cannot be done from a place of anger and a feeling of superiority.  You must enter into a partnership as equals, without one judging the other for bygone behaviors.

That being said, if you truly cannot overcome your resentment, it is always your choice to date only virgins.  But I advise against evaluating a life partner on this point alone.  Because if you focus too much on any one aspect of a person, think of what you might not notice in other areas…things that will affect your daily life together far more significantly than whether they’ve had sexual intercourse.