Should you go on a second date with someone who stiffs a “slow” waitress?
August 21, 2009 Email to a Friend
Dear Faithmate Ethics Advisor,
I was on a first date with a man (a Christian man) and we had a good time but at the end something happened that made me think twice. He paid the bill but said that he thought the waitress was slow and she didn’t deserve a tip. I did think she was a bit slow but she was very friendly and kept apologizing that the food was taking so long. I actually said to him that since wait people get paid only a low hourly wage they rely on tips. He said well, she should have moved faster and then he still stiffed her! I know this sounds really bad but other than this he was very nice to me. Should I take this as a bad sign or just focus on how he treated ME?
As a Christian, what would you do and why?
Faithmate’s Ethics Advisor says…
I don’t say this often, but this mean man doesn’t deserve a second chance…and here’s why: On initial dates people put their best foot forward in order to make a good impression. In your case, if this is his best effort, I’d hate to see how much compassion he’s going to display by date three. Furthermore, since potential partners are trying to put themselves in a positive light, it’s often more accurate to assess their personality by how they treat others as opposed to how they act towards you. They are less likely to censor their behavior towards strangers; therefore, you get a glimpse into their real selves…the parts of their personality that you will, too, encounter eventually. So I suggest you let this one go, as you deserve someone with much more sensitivity.
Of course, this is just one opinion! As a Christian, do you agree or disagree? Post your comments below…
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3 Comments So Far
I disagree with letting him go without more confirmation of this observations to mean his true personality . we are not perfect beings and some attributes we possess might not be comfortable with others but can be talked about .I agree that the way a date treats others can affect your feelings towards him but the question should be, is this his true person? can he be more sensitive? if not, then let him him go. But his actions did say a lot about him he is some one that likes good and quick result in anything he does and acts accordingly to motivate those involved.
I agree with the advisory. If he had reconsidered his tip when you mentioned how important tips are to servers then he may have been worth giving a shot.
I actually experienced a server that was not slow, but just didn’t handle her tables well and everything took a long time and I never got a napkin after asking several times. She was very pleasant, but she just made me want to finish my dinner and leave and we cancelled dessert. If dinner was too much for her…we certainly didn’t want to prolong the experience with dessert. My date still gave a tip that was sufficient for me. This is where the 15%-20% comes into play with me. You do get tipped according to your service. In your case and mine 15% would have been it for me.
I think you should pay attention to your intuitive sense as to whether you should give the man a 2nd chance or not. Even if you have a conversation with him about it, he owes you nothing….particularly as it was just a 1st date. So you can opt to have the conversation with him or not. If you see his stinginess at tipping the waitress as a potential problem to whatever relationship you might have with him, it WILL be a problem to you and will probably magnify and increase with other situations that are similar. To me, it shows that he lacks a certain empathy towards others. Doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person perse. But it does say he lacks a certain degree of empathy….and his lack in that area didn’t seem to bother him overly much.
So if you are one who values empathy & compassion as important character traits in your future mate, don’t overlook this. Too many times we overlook things that are present even from the very beginning….and ultimately wind up truly unhappy if we marry a person inspite of those flagrant warning signs. So don’t overlook and discount your own values about this man just because it might APPEAR to be too harsh of a standard. As you seek to BE your best self, you deserve a man who’s seeking to BE his best self likewise!