Reality Check: Why Won’t You Get in the Game? Refuting Common Excuses for Staying Single

According to CNN’s “Black in America 2,” 45% of black women have never been married*.  Aside from the obvious, a problem with statistics such as these is that they make many wonderful women (and men) resign themselves to staying single.  In other words, they figure they won’t find someone, so they give up hope…and give up their power to help themselves find a partner.

Sure, dismal data like this makes giving up a tempting option.  But this attitude is actually part of the problem.  Like anything in life, we can look at the negative and lose faith.  I’m suggesting, however, that we see the positive: 55% of African American women are going to get hitched.  And a number of them are going to have happy marriages that last the rest of their lives, regardless if it’s their second or third time around.

Examine your excuses: There’s another side to every story

As I mentioned in the previous piece, “Reality Check: What Are Your Roadblocks to Finding Romance the Second (or Third) Time Around?” excuses are the untruths we tell ourselves to rationalize giving up on finding romance.  They are the reasons we give ourselves for not joining that Christian dating site, not asking friends to set us up, not attending singles mixers or joining singles ministries, or not opening our hearts to the possibility that we will meet a man or woman…with just a little faith and effort.

Like the statistics themselves, there’s a positive and negative way to look at things.  Read the oh-so-familiar rationalizations below as well as their more positive spins, and change the way you see your situation:

Excuse #1: I’m too old to meet someone

If you’re alive, there’s no reason not to get in the game!  Love can be found at any age, and sometimes a person doesn’t meet their soul mate until later in life.  In fact, as you get older, you get smarter…and more knowledgeable about what you want in a mate.  And without all the insecurities of youth, you enjoy love a lot more!

As far as fearing that no one will want you because you are over a certain age, this is nonsense.  Make a reasonable effort to maintain your health, energy level, and appearance…and set your sights on someone not too far from your own age.  When I meet a man who is set on seeing much younger women, I no longer feel inadequate about the number on my ID.  Instead, I feel sorry for his foolish insecurity; I see a person who will wind up looking pathetic trying to date too far out of his (or her) own age range.  And that’s someone I definitely don’t want!

Excuse #2: No one will find me attractive

I’d rephrase that to, The wrong ones won’t find me attractive.  Because as I say time and time again, physical attractiveness and physical attraction are two totally different things.  Luckily for all of us who aren’t supermodels, chemistry is an allusive concept, and we aren’t always attracted to the most textbook-beautiful person.  People have such different preferences as to what’s sexually attractive that there really is someone for everyone.  Moreover, as a Christian—and especially one with the wisdom of age on their side—how a person speaks, carries a conversation, and makes us feel about ourselves often creates an attraction that goes way beyond appearance.

Finally, women who can figure out how to cultivate confidence can command a room.  Some of the sexiest women I know are not Halle Berry lookalikes; they simply have a certain style or self-assured swagger that makes men and women alike unable to stop staring.

Excuse #3: There are no good (black/Christian/insert other adjective) men available

Like you, I know that statistics, and I know the stories of there being “no good men.”  However, in every category, there are good guys!  True, maybe there are more women looking to get serious and settle down, but there are men searching for the same.  My opinion is that someone’s going to get with them, why not you?

Many times, women say they only meet a certain type of Mr. Wrong.  I say this doesn’t mean there aren’t any Mr. Rights around…it just means you may need to take a look at your selection process and criteria, and what you are or aren’t willing to accept.  And, yes, it might take longer to find love.  But if you’re enjoying your life and preoccupied with family, faith, and a focus on your career, you’ll enjoy the process of putting yourself out there—as well as appear more attractive to those you do come across.

Excuse #4: I have too much baggage

If physical “baggage”—like kids—is your concern, you’re in good company; because once you’re over 40, the chances of finding someone who doesn’t have a child and an ex of some sort are slim.  Furthermore, having children is a good way to find out, upfront, where someone stands with regard to family.  Of course, it’s his or her right to not want to date a single parent; but my feeling is that a more mature person, who is thinking of spending a life together, will simply see your kids as an extension of you.  Not as a bad thing, but more like a bonus.  The key on your end, however, is to handle things properly: Focus on being a couple way before you bring your kids into the mix, and be sensitive to the fact that potential partners don’t want to support your kids financially just because they’re dating you.

On the other hand, emotional baggage is the one excuse that may need some attention.  Because if your insecurity, possessiveness, or pickiness is way out of control, you probably won’t have great luck in love.  Therefore, my advice is to read the previous article on roadblocks, and consider talking to a therapist or pastor.  But still don’t let it completely paralyze you into inaction!  As long as you are actively addressing your issues, you can feel fine about dating.  The truth is that many people don’t want someone perfect; they want someone real and honest…with whom they can work together on one another’s issues.

The final word

The bottom line is that excuses are a way to rationalize not opening ourselves up to romance.  As long as we can point to a reason not to put ourselves out there, we are safe in our solitude.  The problem is that we begin to believe these excuses.  What I’m advising is that you actively refute the beliefs that have been holding you back.  Because every negative belief has another side.  Which you choose to believe may have more of an impact on your happiness than you ever imagined.

*CNN data obtained via 2006 U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey