When to tell a potential partner about your past as a stripper

Dilemma

A few years ago when my daughter was young I worked as a stripper (for about three years).  I am a Christian and not proud of this fact, but I did what I had to do to provide for my baby as a single parent.  Also I never engaged in any sexual stuff with customers, like some of the women did.  I actually did what people joke about and “put myself through school” and now I work at a hospital as an administrator.  I have not dated much since my daughter was born but I recently met a man that I really like.  We have been on two dates and talked for endless hours on the phone.  But I haven’t told him about the dancing.  He is a Christian too and I guess I am scared he’ll judge me.  At what point is it right to let him know?

Deconstruction

It’s a fine line between telling sensitive stuff too soon and withholding so long the man wonders why you didn’t spill sooner.  Therefore, you are on the right track by realizing that you must mention it at some point…some point between the first date and walking down the aisle, that is.

That being said, I feel strongly that you not discuss sensitive details of your past during initial dates.  Here’s why…

Your past doesn’t define you
You mention that, as a Christian man, you hope he won’t judge you for your past occupation.  While this is a valid concern (see below), telling too soon makes it more of an issue than it is.

One reason you are probably feeling pressured to tell is because you think that in getting acquainted, this is something he should know in order to know you.  However, this would imply that what you did to get by, in some essential way, defines the person you are—more specifically, the person you are today.  It doesn’t…or at least not to a degree that is pertinent during early dating.  More importantly, it definitely doesn’t mean the woman he is seeing is somehow a lie.

You shouldn’t bear shame
Telling too soon signifies that you carry shame about your past.  Divulging this information to someone you are only starting to spend time with says, “I have something horrible in my past.  I better let you know right off the bat, because it’s so bad that I need to give you the option to escape to safety.”

While I’m being sarcastic, you need to consider your stint as a stripper as such: While it may not have been the best decision, it was a decision you made at the time, to support your daughter and facilitate a future for yourself.  You did not hurt anyone, and you did not succumb to the lifestyle of open sexuality for extra cash.  You used it as a means to an end, and you moved on.  Done.  Over.  Furthermore, it is something that helped you become the woman you are today.  Part of this is serenely accepting your past and the fact that you—like all of us—are a work in progress…as opposed to spilling too soon out of fear and shame.

First impressions put you in a box…
And it’s nearly impossible to break out.  So although I believe that the right man will not judge the person you are now based on your past profession, you need to give him a minute to find out who you are first.  If he hears “stripper” before he has a sense of you, he may subconsciously make the rest of his impressions match the label.

Reveal yourself in stages
Telling a man sensitive details of your past too soon falls under what the authors of Marriable: Taking the Desperate Out of Dating refer to as “TMI: too much information.”  This book, written by Christian man and wife Hayley and Michael DiMarco, elaborates on a principle I strongly support: Spilling all your secrets too early in the dating process is dangerous for a budding romance.  Not only does it go against the fact that men are more comfortable when women reveal themselves little by little, it sets you up for an emotional fall.

According to Marriable, women who divulge everything about themselves during initial dates are “giving up their emotional virginity.”  The DiMarcos go on to say, “…they give away every ounce of themselves emotionally, and the result is the same as giving themselves up sexually—they are exposed and vulnerable to so much pain and heartache if and when the relationship ends.”  In your situation, this means protecting yourself by keeping your past private a little longer.

He must earn your intimacy
The best argument in favor of waiting a bit before opening up is that this man needs to earn your trust before you hand over your heart by confiding everything about yourself and your experiences.  The fact that you were a stripper does not impact him from a health or safety perspective; therefore, it falls under the category of something you will tell him in confidence…when he has proven himself worthy the privilege of your emotional intimacy.

So when should you reveal?

While the above underscores why you should wait past the first few dates to tell this man about your past, the question still lingers: When should you tell?  My answer is this: When it becomes his business.  And that is when you are in a committed relationship that has the potential to be serious.  While assigning an exact amount of time is difficult, I’d say it shouldn’t be less than a month, but would likely not be more than six.

I hope this answers your question, and helps further your respect for yourself and your past.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina