The man you love still lives with his ex…why you must move on to find fulfillment

Dilemma

I’m 29 years old single lady with one child.  I met my partner six months ago.  He is a very sweet, kind and humble person who owns a franchise.  When I met this guy my life had no sense of direction because I was lonely.  My activities were involving my church and my family only, so I suppose I took him as a saver.  But in the middle of the relationship, I discovered that he is staying with his two kids and the mother of the kids.  I confronted him about it and he said they are not married but it’s complicated because they have been involved for more than 5 years.

I underestimated the power of this friendship because of my spiritual faith and my principles. This man is my friend and my brother, because he is the light in front of my feet every day.  Everything that he is doing he wants me to be there, and for every occasion of his life he wants me by his side.  When I have a problem he solves it for me.  We talk every day more that 2 times ever since we met.  I once tried to lay him off because our friendship was getting too serious, but I was so hurt and I had to apologize to him.

He picks me up from work, to school, from school to home where I stay with my mom.  He loves his kids more than anything, and he is always there for them anytime. This guy dedicates his time to everything that he loves, but he is not happy where he is and I can’t tell him to go out.  He never sleeps away from his house.

I really love him and I want what’s best for him.  Should I stay away or stay as his friend?  My other problem is that I can’t have a partner, because we are always together and everybody thinks we are partners and no man is proposing just to distract me from him.  I respect him so much, and I don’t want to hurt him more that he is now.

Deconstruction

As you probably know in your gut what you need to do, you shouldn’t be shocked by my advice.  You asked whether you should stay friends or stay away.  Quite simply, if you want the best chance for a fulfilled future with him (or anyone else) you need to stay away while he sorts out his situation.

But you know me better than that: I’m not just gonna leave you with a whopper and walk away.  In order to summon the strength to protect yourself, you need to understand the situation and what will be the likely outcome if you stay involved.

What’s really going on?

Let’s start with him.  The way you explain it, he doesn’t even deny an emotional attachment to his ex.  When a man says his relationship with an ex is “complicated,” what he really means is there is still some sort of an emotional connection…and probably a physical one too.  Don’t be fooled: Just because he is spending time with you doesn’t mean he no longer has feelings for her.

If you look at it logically, there is no reason to live together if they are truly over.  He has an income, and he can therefore get his own place.  I understand he loves his children, but there is a whole world full of exes who are co-parenting kids from separate residences, with both remaining very involved.  If this man were really ready to move on, he would stop at nothing to move out.

Now, on to you.  The thing that strikes me most about your letter is your constant concern for his wellbeing; but you make no mention of what will make you happy…or be best for your child.  The problem, it appears, is that both of you are protecting his feelings, but no one is looking out for yours.

You mention that before you met him you were lonely and “took him as a savor.”  I know it’s tempting when we’re alone to latch onto someone to save us…but you know in your heart there is only one who can save you—two if you include yourself.  When we look to someone outside ourselves to save us, we give up our power to provide our own happiness.

Secondly, you are only 29-years-old; you have your whole life ahead of you!  You are really selling yourself short if you think this is the last man who’ll want to be with you.  Or that being someone’s number two is the best you’re gonna get.

Decision strategy: Thinking things through to their logical conclusion

To use this strategy, you take the two alternate courses of action and mentally follow through to what will likely be the end result or worst-case scenario of each.

In your situation, there are two paths you can follow at this point: You can either continue as you are with this man or you can cut things off until/unless he ceases sleeping and/or living under the same roof as his ex.  (For the record, there is no in between: You are deluding yourself if you think reducing your communication to the occasional is a third option; believe me, this will fall back into a friendship and continue to keep you from meeting others…in other words, choosing this is choosing to continue as you are.)

In making up your mind, you must start from the truth: This man either loves you and wants to be with you, or he doesn’t.  Whether you wait around or tell him to find you when he’s left his previous partner won’t change what is.  He can’t continue forever living with one woman and engaging in a serious relationship with another.  So regardless of your actions, he will eventually either be back with her or be with you.  The question is simply this: Will you protect your heart, needs, and future happiness (and that of your child) or the immediate wants of this man?

If we follow option a. (staying together) through to its logical conclusion, the best outcome is that he eventually moves out and starts a life with you.  The likely outcome is that he spends months—or even years—stuck in this in-between, since you are making it simple for him to do so.  Eventually, you will reach your breaking point and end things, angry with yourself for wasting the best years of your life waiting and for putting your child through the anguish of attachment and consequent feelings of abandonment.

If we follow alternative b. (walking away), the best outcome would be that this forces him to change his situation and end his emotional attachment to his ex…a more probable outcome if he’s unable to have you in the meantime.  Therefore, with regard to the positive, you’re actually more likely to get what you want if you leave.

However, the real difference is in the worst-case scenario.  If you walk away and he doesn’t decide to follow, you’ve only given him a short six months of your life.  And, you’ve learned that you can find love!  In this instance, this man’s purpose would have been preparing you for the right partner.

Situation summary

The bottom line is that a man can only lie down with one woman at night.  Right now, that woman is her, and unfortunately, there’s no way to force it to be you.

I understand you feel you’ve found a gem in this man, and this may well be true.  But if he continues living with his ex, he’s either somebody else’s gem, or he’s not of the same moral character you’d imagined.

The most important point, however, is that whatever the outcome, it is what God intended.  When we are in love, it’s easy to forget that if we have faith, if we “let go and let God,” we will win either way; in your case, if this man stays with his ex, it is because he was not meant for you.  Essentially, there is someone else still out there.  Struggle against what’s meant to be, and you will never be open to receive your intended treasures.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina