He’s a spender, she’s a saver…when Christian couples disagree about how to handle money

Dilemma

I am engaged to a wonderful Christian man and we are getting married in June.  We get along very well and attend the same church and our families even get along good.  The one thing that we’ve always had an issue with is money because he likes to spend whenever either of us have or make extra money and I would rather save (not that I don’t buy ANYTHING but just not expensive things).  Like he got a bonus at work and he wanted to take a vacation and he bought himself a watch that was pretty expensive.  I know it was his bonus but we still have some credit card debt.  I think that any extra money should go to that and then once it’s paid into a savings account in case one of us loses our job in this economy.  With the wedding in June we are going to have to combine our income and agree on whether to spend or save.  I’m worried this will cause us to fight, because right now we can still make our own decisions as far as what to do with our “own” money.  How can we get on the right track?  What do other people do?

Deconstruction

You probably know that most studies rank “money issues” as either number one or two on the list of the top five things couples argue about (with sex occupying the alternate spot of course).  Therefore, your desire to find a solution before the spend-or-save issue actually bites you in the you-know-what is a wise move.

Since you seem so well suited for one another, all you really need are a few suggestions to help things flow smoothly between a saver and a spendthrift.  Read on for what I feel are the four most essential…

#1 Gain perspective and compassion by discovering the source
Since this suggestion is not actually about how to handle money, some may see it as unimportant.  However, in my opinion, it is the single most important thing you can do to decrease disagreements about money.  To explain it, I will look to the following example.

I know a couple who used to fight constantly about this same issue, as just like you, the man liked to spend lavishly, while the woman wanted to put everything away for a rainy day.  They had one child and made a decent living, but not nearly enough to be considered wealthy or even completely comfortable.  Also like you, they got along well in all other aspects, but their fighting about saving versus spending got so bad they sought the help of a therapist to address the problem.

While they went into counseling asking for “strategies” and “tools” for managing their money, what they learned about each other was what really turned things around in their relationship.  The therapist did with them what I am suggesting you do (alone or with a therapist or pastor).  He asked each partner to really open up and explain to the other what they feared about his/her way of handling money.  The result was that, while the man had been angrily labeling the woman as “cheap,” he learned she had a deep-rooted fear of falling victim to the financial problems of her parents—who had been quite wealthy for most of her childhood, until in her adolescence, materialism and improper money management caused them to lose everything and eventually divorce.  Even though her husband had known this about her, he had no idea how much it was a constant concern.

Meanwhile, the man—whom the woman had been judging for his frivolous spending—had always felt guilty for not being able to provide for his wife the way her father had when she was a girl.  Because of this, he was determined to take care of the family in a manner that was actually to their detriment.

I share this story, because once the spouses realized the source of the other’s spending/saving, they developed both perspective and compassion.  The next time the husband wanted to buy something out of their budget, his wife lovingly suggested something less expensive and let him know how much the token meant to her.  On the other hand, the husband learned to support his wife by reminding her they were not her parents and reassuring her they would be fine, financially.  She relaxed and, as a result, became a bit looser about saving every cent.

Therefore, my first suggestion is that you and your fiancée have a candid conversation about what each fears and what each is hoping to gain by sticking rigidly to his/her current saving/spending regimen.

#2 Devise a system to avoid daily discussions of money
Here’s where the tools and techniques come into play.  And while I’m certainly not a financial planner, I know there are going to be problems if every purchase or extra few bucks must be analyzed and approved by a committee of two.  Therefore, I suggest developing a standard system for how spending and saving are handled for day-to-day items.

You will decide for yourselves, or with the help of a financial professional, how exactly you set things up (and what amounts go where).  But the basic idea is that every month a certain percentage of each person’s paycheck goes into an account that will pay for your monthly expenses (food, rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.), and a certain percentage (on which you’ll have to compromise) will initially be put towards paying off your debt and eventually go into a joint savings account.

While this next part will be the topic of another article, one modern method advises that (after the bills and essentials are paid) you designate a certain amount of what you cumulatively make to go into separate, personal accounts.  With this money—which should be the same for both regardless of who earns what—each can opt to spend or save as they please.  If he chooses to spend his, fine; if you want some extra savings, that’s fine too.  The point is that purchases made out of this money need not come up for discussion.

#3 But, confer and compromise on significant purchases and sums of money
You mentioned above that you and your honey currently decide separately how each will spend his/her individual money…which is the norm for unmarried couples.  But now that you are tying the knot, I don’t suggest you keep all monies separate.

Instead, my advice is that you employ some version of the method above, but make a joint decision on significant expenses or sums of money.  In this scenario, when either of you receives a bonus or other windfall of  sorts, you decide as a couple how to spend or save it…keeping the wishes of both members in mind.  For example, in the case of your fiancée’s bonus, maybe you agree that you will put half towards debt, savings, or other necessities, then use the remaining portion to buy something fun for the house or let each select a personal purchase.

The important part is that neither feels like the other has sole control over whether money gets saved or spent.  On the contrary, regardless of who made the money, each should have an equal say as to how it is most appropriately put to use.

#4 Give in when something is truly important to your partner
The disclaimer here is that you don’t want to do this too frequently (or you’ll go broke), and you can only employ this suggestion when it is financially feasible.  That being said, keep your heart open to the (at times silly-sounding) desires of your mate; when you sense a certain purchase would really make him happy, support the splurge!  The positive feelings it will perpetuate in your relationship can often mean more than a few extra bucks in your bank account.

The last thing I advise is that you see the positive in your opposing styles of spending.  While it might initially seem something to overcome, it’s actually a benefit when you analyze the alternatives.  When two savers get together, there is sometimes no fun; when two spendthrifts couple up, it’s hard to achieve financial stability.  In your case, however, the blessing is that you balance each other out!  If you follow these general guidelines, you should be on the path to a sound (and peaceful!) financial future.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina