Christian Singles: Tips for Overcoming Insecurity

“It is birthed out of rejection and compounded by NOT understanding who you are,” explains Tuannee Dickson, who serves as director of publicity at Bishop Noel Jones’ City of Refuge—a title that does not do justice to her insight on the Christian singles in her congregation.

When I sat down with Ms. Dickson to discuss the role of insecurity in the lives of Christian singles, I found out we share a similar belief: Insecurity is a significant factor in preventing Christian men and women from finding love.

What causes critical insecurity?

First of all, note I say “critical” insecurity to differentiate between the kind of insecurity that is a fact of life.  Everyone experiences insecurity occasionally; it is critical insecurity, however, that prevents people from engaging in activities that can better their quality of life.  For singles, this means not putting themselves out there to meet people, not getting to know someone for fear of rejection, or engaging in other behaviors that hurt their chances of finding love because they are too insecure to face the evaluation of others.

To explain how the process begins, Ms. Dickson quotes a favorite proverb of Bishop Jones: “People will put their whole life on hold for a promise.”  In other words, people take promises seriously; they cling to them in hope…in this case, for a lifetime of love with a potential partner.

Therefore, she continues, “When promises are broken as it relates to matters of the heart, it can be devastating.  The first place one concentrates is on self.  And the questions begin like this: What’s wrong with me?”

From there it spreads.  “Insecurity is like a cancer; it starts out as a small mass or lump.  If left unattended, it can destroy your life…I have witnessed insecurity make a vivacious young woman give up on any chance of engaging in the process of love,” laments Ms. Dickson.  And I concur.  In fact, insecurity is almost an epidemic among single men and women, especially those over a certain age, who have experienced being seriously hurt in the past.

Tips for overcoming insecurity

As discussed, insecurity originates in rejection and is intensified by not knowing who we are.  True, we can’t control rejection, but we can control how we feel about it.  And we certainly can help ourselves with the second element: understanding and appreciating who we are.

To this end, the following are some ideas for gaining control over insecurity:

Focus on your connection to God
Not only are you loved by God, but you are a Believer, which means you have faith and a strong, open heart…and this is an enormous asset.  Too many people walk around the world miserable and negative; the fact that you are grateful gives you incredible worth!  And it should help you feel proud and confident.

Focus on inner beauty
It’s not just a cliché.  When Christians choose partners, traits like kindness, compassion, empathy, and generosity are incredibly attractive.  Making someone feel safe and loved—and treating others with respect—makes one a desirable mate.  Because personally, and especially as I get older and wiser, I wouldn’t want to date someone who valued a sculpted body more than a caring and considerate mind.

Appreciate your physical assets
In a previous post (“Think You’re ‘Too Christian’ to Care about Chemistry? Think Again,” August 2008), I discuss the difference between physical attractiveness and physical attraction, with the important point being that physical attractiveness—or being what society says is attractive—is not what really draws us to someone physically.

In the real world, we have “chemistry” (or physical attraction) with certain people because of numerous factors…and whether they are objectively beautiful is only a little piece of the puzzle.  Factors like scent, the way our mind is wired, and past experiences each play an essential part.  (For example: Ever notice how you can meet someone who is undeniably handsome or pretty, but you feel no actual chemistry??  Or how you often see two people looking longingly at one another, yet neither would be generally considered good looking?)

This is good news, because it frees us from struggling to meet an unachievable ideal.  And because of this intricate constellation of contributing factors, the person who is meant for us will be physically drawn to our facial features, curves, small breasts, or asymmetrical smile.

Therefore, to combat insecurity I suggest an exercise: Look in the mirror with loving eyes and pick out at least three things that make you beautiful.  For instance, maybe it’s your beautiful big eyes, long lashes, or plump lips.  Or maybe it’s your adorable dimples, sexy curls, or your hourglass figure.  The point is that whatever you pick out, walk around proud of your appearance…your confidence will cause others to find you irresistible.

Pick the positive version of you
There are two sides to every trait.  For example, a woman who stands five feet tall could consider herself “short” or even “squat,” but she could also think of herself as being “petite”—which is something many a man finds desirable.  A woman with hips and a booty can choose to feel “fat” or consider herself “curvy” and “sexy,” just as someone on the opposite end of the spectrum can feel insecure about her “boyish figure” and “flat chest” or decide to see herself as “lithe” or “graceful”…which is sexy in a different way.

And the same holds true for personality traits.  An excellent example of this is an artist I know.  By nature, he is a neurotic type of guy, a Woody Allen sort of fellow…and just as creative.  He is, essentially, the epitome of the “eccentric artist”—which, like musicians and poets, is a type of man women have found attractive for ages.  Unfortunately, however, he fights against it, with claims like, “I’m not anxious!”  And sadly, all this looking on the negative side of his nature gives him a huge insecurity complex!  When in reality, if he just embraced himself as an eccentric artist, I’m convinced this confidence would cause women to take notice.

Cultivate a confident identity
While focusing on your inner spirit and connection to Christ are obviously deeper ideas, identifying yourself as a certain type of person is extremely powerful.  The trick is, however, you must select a type that is intrinsic to your nature…in other words, a type of person that is actually you.

Let me explain.  Many times people are insecure because they are trying to be something they are not or comparing themselves to someone who isn’t similar.  When they don’t measure up, they feel unworthy.  They project a sense of insecurity, self-hatred, and/or a “feel sorry for me” attitude, traits which no one finds attractive.  The perfect example of this is when women seek to identify themselves as conventionally “beautiful” or “thin” or even talented in something in which they are naturally not.

The remedy is to select something, a “label” for lack of a better word, that describes you and that you feel proud to associate yourself with.  Some examples of potential labels are “creative,” “intelligent,” “funny,” or more specific examples like “writer,” “athlete,” “humanitarian,” “teacher,” etc.  While you certainly can’t boil your whole being down to one trait, the goal is to identify something that makes you feel special and derive confidence by focusing on this aspect of yourself.

Stop making negative remarks
There is power in the spoken word.  And there is a reason that when people begin a career, mentors advise them to tell others they are, for example, a “realtor” or “writer” instead of saying, “I’m a waitress, but I’m trying to be a real estate agent as soon as I get some clients.”

What you say is what you believe, and it’s also what others think of you.  I’m not suggesting you start to brag; I am simply saying that, even if you initially don’t fully feel it, speak confidently about yourself and do away with self-deprecating statements.  You will notice your confidence begin to climb.

The final word

I understand it’s easier said than done to eliminate insecurity.  And, of course, there will be rejections in life for all of us.  But insecurity can be diminished by finding ways to change how you think about yourself.  As Tuannee Dickson says, “It’s your perception of self that determines what happens in your life.”  Again, I couldn’t agree more.