“Quick 10” Dating Checklist: Ten Things to Do to Get Ready to Date Again

Check out The Young, Black & Fabulous (TheYBF.com) or Bossip.com, and you’ll see a whole lot of 20- and 30-something singles out and about dating up a storm.  Problem is, if you’re staring at the other side of 35, you don’t find much there that looks familiar.  Because let’s get real.  As we get older, dating becomes more daunting.

Not only are there less singles to select from, but our exposure decreases dramatically.  We become more settled in our professions, so we don’t come across as many potential new partners; and our priorities shift, so work and spending time with family take a front seat to socializing.  Most importantly, we accumulate “baggage” (for lack of a better word) and a history of some bad experiences.  By the time we are over 35, many of us have been married, have kids, or have at least had one or two serious relationships that didn’t work out…and that likely left us a little skittish about meeting and mingling.

This process—also known as life—creates a whole lot of ladies and gentlemen who let months—or even years—go by without getting back in the game.  Sure, we can make endless excuses: blaming time, opportunity, too small a selection, or even dating being somehow sinful.  But most of all, it’s fear.  The longer that goes by, the less you feel prepared to put yourself out there.  And, the more you find yourself making excuses such as, “I haven’t dated in so long.  I wouldn’t even know what to do or where to begin.”  (Sound familiar?)

If you’ve joined a site like Faithmate, you’re taking a step in the right direction to finding fulfillment with a Christian partner.  And this is fantastic.  But if you’re just gonna browse, you’re not going to get very far.  You need to build your confidence, so you feel safer about connecting with others.

One way to do this is to feel prepared.  Like anything, if you do your homework, you’re going to show up self-assured…or at least assured enough that you show up at all.  Therefore, the list below is about removing yet another roadblock on your path to finding that special partner.

10 things to do to get ready to date again

1.    Cultivate confidence
One of the biggest hindrances to those who haven’t dated in awhile is lack of confidence.  It’s also one of the biggest turnoffs to potential partners.  So do what you can to cultivate a feel-good attitude about yourself, including reading books, blogs, and articles that will help get you in the right frame of mind to feel desirable (try “Christian Singles: Tips for Overcoming Insecurity” as a start).  Write down your most attractive inner and outer attributes and refer to this list should you sense your self-esteem wavering.

2.    Prepare physically
This goes along with number one.  While looks are not nearly the most important factor, they are people’s first impression.  Most of all, if you feel good about yourself, others will be drawn to you.  So definitely don’t hold off on dating until you feel perfectly put together, but do attend to any minor issues that are really killing your confidence.

3. Identify your dealbreakers
To avoid getting sucked in by the wrong man or woman, make a list of any real dealbreakers.  While it goes without saying that he or she must be available, consider any other things that you really couldn’t live with.  Two tips: First, eliminate any judgments; this list is not about what your mama would like the love of your life to look like.  Secondly, keep this list super short…and don’t add any dealbreakers without first considering whether the trait could truly not be overlooked.

4. Make note of your must-haves
The opposite of the above; again, avoid long lists.  This should only consist of really crucial items, like “must like children” if you have kids or “must respect my religious beliefs.”

5. Get real with your expectations
If you are a 48-year-old woman looking for an astoundingly handsome man, who makes more than six figures, is Christian, has no kids, and has never been married, your expectations are out of whack.  Ditto if you are a 50-year-old man who doesn’t want to date a woman over 35.  That being said, holding out for someone who is kind, shares some common interests, and whom you find physically attractive is not too much to ask.

6. Brush up on behavior
Especially if you haven’t been out there lately, I recommend reading “Readying Yourself for Romance Part III: Brushing Up on Behavior” and following the advice of getting up to speed with what is standard (and safe!) dating behavior today.  Probably more important, this article advises you to examine the personal patterns or issues that have held you back in previous relationships—in other words, figure out what you did wrong, so you don’t do it again.

7. Ask for support
Pick one or two close friends or family members who are nonjudgmental and have your best interests at heart (i.e. not that single friend who fears you’ll find someone before her).  Tell them you are ready to start dating again and ask if you can seek their support if and when you come across a low in the inevitable ups and downs of dating.

8. Address your excuses
Just like starting a diet or embarking on an exercise regimen, in a weaker moment, you’ll likely reconsider your decision, as in, “Why the heck did I decide to start dating again?!?”  Even though you know you want to find someone, it’s safer and easier to stay isolated.  And this is when you’ll start shuffling through your excuses: I don’t really have time.  I need to be there for my kids.  I should lose that last 10 pounds.  I’m just too old.  Dating will compromise my connection to Christ.  The way to handle this is with preemptive action.  Before you start, when you’re feeling up, make a list of all the excuses that are stopping you from finding someone…and write down why each is inaccurate.

9. Modify your mindset
It’s best if you look at dating as an adventure on your way to meeting your life mate: Remember to have fun and not take it so seriously.  Also, don’t get discouraged each time you have a date with someone who’s not your soul mate.  Instead, define a success as a pleasant afternoon/evening where you learned something about yourself or someone else.  Most of all remember, it only takes one!  Each Mr. or Ms. Wrong gets you one step closer to your true companion.

10. Evaluate your options for meeting men or women
Simply saying, “Okay, I’m ready!” won’t do much to get you dates.  You need to put yourself out there in some fashion.  In “Readying Yourself for Romance Part IV: Evaluating Your Options for Meeting a Mate,” I outline four methods for gaining exposure to potential partners; just pick out the best fits for you.

The final word

Use the list above and simply check off the items one by one.  When you’re finished, you have no more excuses to stay sidelined!  Dating again can seem scary, but in the end, overcoming your insecurity can lead you to a lifetime of love.