For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior: Why We Want ‘The Talk’ Part I

About the series

I’m proud to present the first article in a new series, “For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior.”  Since most of the topics addressed in Soul Support are for Christian women or Christian men and women, I feel it’s time to give some guidance and insight to our brothers.  Therefore, each installment in this series will discuss and decode some stereotypically female behavior, analyze the wrong (i.e. typical) reaction, then describe a better way to handle our (at times) seemingly senseless acts.

Before I launch into the topic for today, a disclaimer about stereotyping.  Because I am writing for the public, and not each individual specifically, I have to speak to the most prevalent behaviors, which are usually the gender-based stereotypes.  In light of this, please be aware that I am in no way insinuating that all men, or all women, act the same; I realize there are always exceptions and many who are in the middle between each extreme.  So please take what you can from each article, and adjust the advice to your specific situation.  Men, the goal is that you gain insight into the actions of the opposite sex, as well as yourself, in the hopes that we can get along a little better and appreciate where our partners—or potential mates—are coming from.  Enjoy!

Today’s topic: “The Talk”

Men, I’m sure you know the four words I’m referring to.  The sentence that seemingly comes out of nowhere, but that never comes at the right time as far as you’re concerned.  The four words that foster fear, anxiety, and apprehension in the minds of most men, young and old alike, making you wish you were somewhere—anywhere—else instead of staring down the stern-looking face of the woman you are dating as she says…

We Have to Talk.

The fact that you want to run panicking from the premises is quite understandable.  You know you’re not about to discuss dinner plans, the score of the Knicks game, or even the state of the economy.  You’re about to be pressured to put a label on what has so far been a low stress, smooth sailing, and magnificently uncommitted dating relationship.  You’re about to be asked where she stands and whether you’re seeing other people.

Compassion: It comes from looking beyond behavior

It is said that if you realize where a behavior comes from—if you see the innocence in a person’s motivation—you will be much more compassionate.  To this end, I often mention one of my favorite books in the whole world: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff, by the wise, humble, and wickedly insightful Richard Carlson, PhD (who tragically passed away just a couple of years ago).  In this, one of the book’s 100 short strategies for living a happier, more peaceful life, he advises that we “look beyond the behavior” to “see the innocence in where the behavior is coming from…”  He goes on to explain that, “Underneath even the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.”

So let’s start by applying this smart strategy to women’s tendency to pressure men into having The Exclusivity Talk.  Let’s look at why we are really so anxious to discuss the details of the dating relationship…because it’s not—as some men might think—simply to make you miserable or force you to commit.

Why we do it

The real reasons we out with “We have to talk” have to do with women’s communication styles, societal pressure, and saving face with our friends.  And I’ll address them in this order.

#1 Say it versus see it
For the most part, we women are verbal creatures.  We like to talk.  And we like to talk about feelings, emotions, situations, and experiences.  We like to get to the real root of issues and have an exact understanding of where we stand with something.  While awkward conversations aren’t exactly exciting, we’d rather endure a few uncomfortable moments than sit idly while waiting for a situation to unfold, then struggle to guess where we stand.

For women, conversation is how we get close to people.  We bond with girlfriends by sharing secrets and talking truthfully about life.  But for men, it’s usually much different.  I can’t remember the last time I heard a man say, “Brother, I value your friendship.”  Because instead of using direct verbal communication, men rely much more on actions.  Men arrange their relationships around activities.  While we meet for coffee to catch up using conversation, men bond by doing something: playing sports, watching a movie, or going to an event.  And they evaluate their closeness by the fact that they do effectively spend time together.  In other words, “I know we’re friends because we watch Monday Night Football.”  There’s no need for verbal validation.

So when it comes to dating relationships, it follows that we women would operate verbally as well.  Whatever the status may be, we want to have a solid understanding of where the relationship stands.  While many men are content to just let things unfold naturally, we want periodic conversational check-ins.  Especially when it comes to whether we’re exclusive, we don’t want to guess; we want certainty.  Part of this is because we are verbal.  But there is also another component…

#2 We care more about the outcome
Here’s where we need to face facts.  You can say I stereotype, but the truth is for the most part, women concern themselves more with commitment.  Why?  In a nutshell, because society says we should.

It’s sad, but most of us grew up under the impression that as a woman, we are more worthwhile if we have a man.  While men often evaluate their self-worth by career success, we are taught to assess by that of our relationships.  As Christians, most of us want to eventually get married and possibly have children; and because, biologically, we have a limited time period to do so, we are organically set up to seek commitment sooner.

While (thankfully!) these outdated attitudes are starting to fade, we’re still wired to some degree to care about commitment more than men.  So in the courtship situation, we are still more likely the ones who want to know where we stand in terms of commitment and the future.

Therefore, when we ask to “talk,” it’s not coming from a place of ill-intentioned pressure.  It’s coming from a desire to protect ourselves: We feel anxious about wasting too much time with someone who may not want a future together.  We just honestly want to know—especially as we get older—where you see our situation on the scale of fling to forever.  We want to know straight up, because we like you, and we want to protect our hearts from getting too involved if you don’t share our sentiments.  Finally, we want to know if we should remove ourselves from the market, or if you’re still keeping your options open.

#3 The girls are gonna ask
So remember how I just said we form bonds with friends by sharing about our lives?  Well, a crucial area of sharing is our romantic relationships.  If you read this blog regularly, you know I’m very much against sharing intimate details, but as far as the rest of it goes, the girls are gonna ask…“What’s up with so-and-so?”  And we need to know what to say.

When we say, “I have no idea where we stand,” quite frankly, it’s embarrassing; it’s like saying, “I’m dating a guy who doesn’t say or show what he thinks about our relationship,” which is akin to admitting we’re likely being strung along.  Yea, it sounds superficial and actually sort of stupid, but you guys also care what your friends think.  So just indulge us and give us an answer.  Because no one wants to look like a fool.

The wrong reaction

So now that you know why we ask to have The Talk, let’s look at the wrong reaction…which, incidentally, is usually the natural reaction.  As I mentioned above, you feel cornered, put on the spot, and pressured to either pledge exclusivity or at least give some definitive answer.  So you freak out.  You might get defensive, try to cut the conversation short, appear distracted, or completely clam up.  And this leads to a situation that spirals downward fast, culminating in an argument, hurt feelings, and possibly even an unnecessary break up.

That being said, all of these responses are understandable, given that most likely you weren’t prepared to have The Talk quite yet.  Maybe you hadn’t even thought about exclusivity.  Or maybe you know you’re not ready…or that we’re not really the one.  Or maybe, you’re still undecided or feel it’s too soon to get serious.  And all of this is fine!  If you understand why we’re asking, and tweak your response accordingly, you can calm our fears, or at least give us the information we need to make smart choices and save face with our friends.  And you can do so without agreeing to something you don’t want.

Stay tuned for part two, “For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior: Why We Want ‘The Talk’ Part II” to find out the right reaction to, “We have to talk.”  In part two, we’ll address how Christian men can best handle the commitment conversation…no matter what you want out of the dating relationship.