Christian men and online pornography—assessing for addiction and seeking solutions

Dilemma

My friend has been with a man for a few years (they have one baby together), and about three months ago she discovered that he was looking at porn a lot online.  She confronted him on it and he admitted that he can’t stop himself (those were his actual words) and that he tries to avoid those sites but he keeps going back.  Of course my friend thinks it has to do with how he feels about her.  He claims he loves her and doesn’t want to cheat and wouldn’t.  I have told my friend that as a Christian she should leave this man who sins daily.  But she says she really loves him and wants to try to work it out.  Can you help tell her (and me) what’s really going on and what you think she should do?

Deconstruction

While I’m sorry for your friend’s situation, I’m glad you are addressing this subject, because the online porn problem—and more specifically, the online porn addiction issue—is much more widespread than one might imagine…and it doesn’t discriminate.  In other words, yes, even Christian men and women are at risk.

The lifestyle site Straight.com sums up the prevalence with some shocking statistics (taken from Internet product-review website TopTenReviews.com):

•    40 million American adults regularly visit online porn sites
•    20% of American men admit to viewing online porn at work
•    10% of American adults confess to having an addiction to cybersex
•    There are 4.2 million pornographic websites
•    There are 68 million pornographic search-engine requests per day

Contrary to what you might think, with regard to the Christian community, the stats are even more striking.  Statistics cited by BlazingGrace.org (an affiliate of UrbanMinistry.org) confirm that Christian men and women are no less drawn to Internet pornography than non-Believers:

•    According to a 2006 ChristiaNet poll, reported by MarketWire.com, 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography
•    According to a 2000 poll of five Christian college campuses conducted by the National Coalition to Protect Children and Families, 48% of men admit to using porn, with 68% confessing they have logged on to a pornographic site while at the school
•    According to Roger Charman of Focus on the Family’s Pastoral Ministries, 20% of calls to their Pastoral Care Line are seeking help for problems including the use of porn and compulsive sexual behavior
•    According to a 1996 Promise Keepers survey conducted during one of their stadium events, over 50% of males in attendance had accessed some type of pornography within a week of the gathering
•    According to a 2000 Christianity Today article, 33% of clergy members confessed to having accessed a sexually-explicit website, with 53% of that group admitting to visiting these types of sites a few times within the last year, and 15% stating they view sexually-explicit websites between a couple times a month and in excess of once a week
•    According to the online newsletter Today’s Christian Woman, 34% of their readers admit to viewing pornography online
•    According to a 2003 Focus on the Family poll, 47% of families say porn is a problem in their household

Christians and online porn: less censure, more solutions

I have to admit, I am a bit surprised by these figures myself!  I certainly didn’t think Christians were immune to the pull of pornography, but this data paints a picture of your friend’s problem being even more prevalent than I had imagined.

The reason I am citing these stats is not to claim that all (or even most) Christians are more interested in pornography than the general population.  The reason I am using this data is to address something you state in your question: that your friend’s man “sins daily.”  I am as aware as you that if we turn to the Bible, it would be hard to argue that certain passages confirm it’s a sin to lust or look at another man’s woman naked.  So if we want to get on our judgmental high horse, we could wrap things up right here: He’s a sinner, and she should leave him.  Period.  However, saying this begs the question of, “For whom?”  Should she leave him for someone who is free from sin??  Good luck.

So what I am suggesting is that we explore his issue with a bit more compassion and an increased emphasis on seeking solutions, judging him less by his compulsive behavior and more by how willing he is to make amends and seek help to stop it.  Because from what you say, it sounds like he has crossed over from casual viewing to can’t-stop viewing.

When actions become addiction

I’m certainly not condoning looking at porn period; whether your friend’s man watches the occasional DVD is between the two of them—and to what degree that is damaging to a normal, healthy, Christian relationship is another article altogether.  But the fact he says he tries to avoid the sites, but can’t control himself tells me he has a problem.

While it sounds almost comical to say someone has a “sex addiction,” the issue is really no laughing matter.  As with other addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, overeating, etc.) men and women who suffer from sexual addiction can find themselves jeopardizing those things that matter most.

More specifically, according to the Sexual Recovery Institute (www.SexualRecovery.com), signs of porn addiction can include the following:

•    An inability to stop the behavior(s) despite previous attempts to do so
•    Anger or irritability if asked to stop
•    Hiding or attempting to keep secret all or a part of the porn use
•    Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequences (like a relationship or job loss)
•    Getting lost in the problem use (i.e. spending more time than intended or losing track of time)

Internet porn addicts: Are their partners part of the problem?

Another issue is how your friend feels, as when someone suffers a sexual addiction (especially to something outside the relationship like porn or cybersex), their partner’s ego can take a hard hit.  In your friend’s case, she admits to worrying about her boyfriend’s feelings for her.  However, the truth is his compulsive actions have nothing to do with some shortcoming on the part of your friend; as we’ve seen in the media, men who suffer from cybersex addictions can be married to some of the most beautiful and successful women in the world!  So it’s important that your friend remember, her partner’s problem is not related to a lack of love or an absence of attraction to her.

Furthermore, when it comes to porn and cheating, industry wisdom says that whether a man has been faithful in the past is the most accurate predictor of whether he will be faithful in the future…not whether he looks at porn.  So with regard to fidelity, if her partner hasn’t strayed yet, she probably has little cause for concern.  But all of this doesn’t change the fact that she has every right to feel uncomfortable about his issue…and demand he deal with it.

How to proceed with the problem

The first step is for your friend to approach her man openly and honestly, at a time when they are not fighting, and calmly broach the topic of addiction.  Discuss with him some of these signs and ask how he feels about talking to someone.  Explain to him that she does not judge or look down on him, but neither can she simply accept this behavior as part of their relationship.

From here, the ball is in his court, as she cannot force him to find help.  If he is not willing to address the issue, my advice is for her to move on.  It’s more complicated since they have a child together, but without him working to get better, your friend will always be uneasy.

On the other hand, he may be willing to work through his issue; the fact that he is already being honest is a good indicator.  If he is, it’s her choice whether she wants to support him through the process.  If she feels very resentful or doesn’t trust his promises, she might consider taking some time apart while he gets help, then reassessing the situation in a few months.

As for your role as her confidante, I suggest you help her take a compassionate view, evaluating the relationship in its entirety rather than by this one issue.  Should she decide there are enough positives to make supporting him worthwhile, she’s going to need some support of her own…which is where you come in.  If she decides she can’t get over it—or if he isn’t open to making changes—once again, your role should be to provide strength and acceptance (not moral accusation) while she goes through the process of grieving and getting on with her life.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina