You’re settling, but really seeking your Christian soul mate—why staying with someone out of obligation is a no-win situation

Dilemma

I’ve been going out with a man for 5 or 6 years. He and I are both divorced. Prior to meeting him, I had been out of a painful relationship for a year and had not dated anyone (that relationship was not my marriage). Anyway, I met him while having some physical pain. He helped me through it. I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me. Well, we started the relationship from that. There were many conflicts as well as good times we had together. As the years came and went, my relationship with Christ grew deeper. Our Christian values are even more different. I must admit, I kind of felt they were different in the beginning. He professes to be a Christian as well. I’ve tried to break it off with this man many times, but he continued to pursue me until he won me over. I feel a shame to say that, but I really don’t know what else to do. I have pretty much done just about every tip you mentioned (this was before I’ve had the opportunity to read your tips) and still no avail. I also feel ashamed to admit that I just gave in because it was easier than fighting. I’ve been praying and waiting for things to change. I must say that some things have changed but there is so much more that needs to change. I don’t honestly feel he’s the one! I want to truly meet my Christian soul mate. I’m asking for your prayers for my situation.

Deconstruction

I’ll not only pray for your situation; I’ll deconstruct it, as I feel that you are in a relationship relatable to many women and men out there…Christian men and women in particular.

Identifying the issues

Upon first reading about your relationship, it was a bit unclear to me exactly why it’s not working.  However, after rereading your situation closely, it came to me what is going on: It seems as if you simply don’t feel a serious, soul-to-soul connection to him…and you likely never did; but he helped you through a tough time, and you feel a major sense of obligation.

I’m sure that incongruent Christian beliefs definitely play a part in why you’ve never felt really right with this man.  And I’m betting what went down was that you were going through a rough patch when you met him—experiencing both physical pain as well as the lingering pain from your previous relationship.  Regardless of varying values, he helped you through it: He provided strength and support and helped bring you back to life.  And for this, you feel, he deserves to be repaid…or at the very least, remained with.

See, as Christians, we feel an especially enormous sense of obligation and commitment.  We are taught to try to be good people, and this means caring about how others feel and focusing on fairness: Someone does something for you; you do something in return.  But this doesn’t include giving someone your life, your happiness, your opportunity for true love and joy.

As you say, “I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me.”  If this is what you believe, it is only fair, you feel, you should give God something back, by giving this man what he wants…you.  But this has gone on long enough.  It’s time to let yourself off the hook and seek real serenity.

Utilizing your God-given gut instincts

Of course, your sense of obligation might only be part of the puzzle.  You may also be struggling with fears about what your life will be like after more than five years as part of a couple.  This is both normal and natural.  But it can lead you to second guess your decision to start a life on your own; it can lead you to uncertainty such as, “Is there really someone out there better for me?” or, “What if I leave him and miss him and feel I’ve made a mistake?”

Leaving a long-term relationship is a serious step.  In fact, this subject was addressed in the recent article “As a Christian Man or Woman, When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship?” In it, Nicholle Williams discusses the decision and offers 12 factors for consideration when contemplating whether to terminate a relationship.  She also refers to an exercise that I have found incredibly useful when faced with a life-changing decision: It involves alternately visualizing each version of your life as if you’d already chosen one outcome or the other, then focusing on the feelings in the pit of your stomach.

And speaking of feelings in the pit of your stomach, these feelings—or as I call them “God-given gut instincts”—are really the most important part of honestly assessing what will make you happy.  If you can quiet your mind, ignore the input of friends and family, and really get in touch with what your gut instincts are saying, you usually already know what you need to do.

Providing further proof of the strength of our instincts, I recently had the incredible opportunity to hear Bishop T.D. Jakes preach at Bishop Noel Jones’ City of Refuge in Gardena, California.  On the evening I saw him, quite coincidentally, he was speaking of making personal decisions and summoning the strength to move forward.  And he, too, pointed to the power of instincts, or as he referred to them your “spirit”—as in, “your spirit knows…”  So whatever name you choose, the important part is that our innermost feelings and instinctual/spiritual knowledge is a gift for which we should be grateful…and certainly not ignore.

In regard to your situation, you, too, already know.  I know this, because you say, “I don’t honestly feel he’s the one!”  You know what you feel, and you know what you need to do.  You have just needed a blessing.  You have needed someone to say, “You have permission to move on—thankful for what this man has helped you overcome, but guilt-free that you deserve genuine joy.”

His happiness

That being said, there is one more part of this equation: his feelings and his happiness.  Because until now, I’m sure you have believed that what was better for you was necessarily bad for him.  You’d leave him, and he’d beg you back, so that must mean your freedom was his despair.

But I totally disagree.  He knows you are not satisfied.  He knows he is not the love of your life…and we both know this is not a joyful way to live; this man must suffer with worry and feelings of unworthiness every day he spends with a woman whom he knows does not really desire him.  Finally, he also has a soul mate waiting for him.  Your setting him free allows him to go and find his own happiness.

I hope this has helped you realize that you have every right to seek your Christian soul mate and true happiness and harmony. Yes, this man helped you move past pain, but it is time to move on.  This back and forth relationship does not sound fulfilling to either one of you…and both of you deserve better.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

For more on not settling in love, see “Thou Shall Not Settle (AKA Why You Deserve to Wait for True Love),” March 2008.