Keeping Yourself Safe Part II: Recognizing the Warning Signs of Abuse (Even within Christian Couples!)

Last week, I posted part one of an article aimed at helping Christian women and men protect themselves by recognizing the warning signs of abuse (see “Keeping Yourself Safe Part I: Recognizing the Warning Signs of Abuse (Even within Christian Couples!)” February 2009).  Spurred by the recent abuse revelations of R&B star Rihanna by her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, I elaborated on the first 9 of 16 warning signs cited by Raphael House of Portland’s Take Care project, a resource aimed at educating people about relationship abuse.

In this second installment, I will discuss signs 10 through 16:

10. He/she scares you or makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do
These indicators of abuse are about intimidation.  Once you have passed through the emotional abuse phase—and you’ve not left—physical intimidation is often not far behind.  Intimidation further increases the person’s control over you…the ultimate aim in abuse.

11. He/she behaves violently and/or owns weapons and threatens to use them
12. He/she has a history of fighting, loses his/her temper quickly, and/or has hurt animals or other people
Threats of using weapons go along with the previous sign, as this is the next step in intimidation.  Behaving violently and having a history of fighting signify anger and violent tendencies as part of his or her personality.  Different people harbor different degrees of anger and have more or less healthy ways of handling it.  Someone who has a history of violence or a disregard for the feelings of living things is more likely to have a disregard for your feelings: Less conscience and compassion as a person means less conscience and compassion as a partner.  In fact, as someone in an emotional or intimate relationship, you are in a position to push his or her buttons most easily…so you’re even more likely to bear the brunt of aggressive outbursts.

13. He/she makes all the decisions in the relationship and/or does not care about your thoughts and feelings
Part of this is related to the possessiveness and control described earlier.  Many abusive partners feel inadequate and helpless to exert control over their lives.  They respond by forcefully seeking to control their significant other.

The other aspect shows that for the abuser, the relationship is not about equal partners, give and take, and mutual sacrifice; it’s about making you think that you are lucky to have them and you’d better act like it.

14. He/she abuses alcohol or drugs and pressures you to take them
There are two issues going on here.  On one hand is the fact that he or she abuses drugs or alcohol.  Unlike the other warning signs, this does not necessarily signify or lead to abuse.  As most medical professionals will attest to, addiction is a disease, not a personality fault.  However, there are reasons it is relevant here.

Probably the most significant is that people who abuse drugs or alcohol have not developed healthier ways for handling their emotions; so often, they are not in control of their emotions.  People who cannot deal with the anger and unpleasant feelings that are part of life are more likely to lash out at their partners in a violent manner.  And someone who is intoxicated has even less inhibitions and self-control; an angry person might be able to contain themselves when sober, but being under the influence breaks down their restraint and clouds their better judgment regarding right and wrong.

The second issue here, pressuring you to partake, is more indicative on its own of abuse.  And it goes back to control.  If you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, you are in a weaker, one-down position; the more in disarray your life, the more you need your partner and are willing to stay together no matter what the negatives.

Also, the addiction can be used to create a false bond, an “us against the world” feeling that makes it harder to leave…especially if he or she is the only one who is aware of your addiction.  Finally, in the worst of scenarios, the partner will introduce you to an addictive substance…that you’ll need to rely on them to procure.  The result is total dependence: Your ability to function relies on complying with their requests and putting up with their bullying behavior.

15. He/she won’t accept breaking up—threatens to hurt you or themselves if you break up
16. He/she stalks you after you’ve tried to break if off
As with the other signs, it’s about gaining control and power over you.  In fact, according to MayoClinic.com, abuse is always about power and control: “In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner,” explains the article on domestic violence.  “…Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner.  But it’s not really about anger.  It’s about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship.  In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control…”

And the worst thing you can do is get back together in response to an abusive partner’s threats or stalking.  Because each time you succumb to these tactics, you give him or her even more control!  In other words, you’ll likely be coming back to a relationship that will be even more abusive.

The final word

The most important message is that whether it’s been two dates or ten years, you can’t afford to ignore the warning signs of abuse.  If you are not certain how to interpret some of the earliest signals, talk to a trusted friend, family member, or pastor for an objective opinion…and then don’t try to rationalize.  If your gut instincts tell you that something is wrong, listen!  Getting up the guts to leave an abusive relationship takes courage, but it’s much, much easier in the initial stages than once you’ve sacrificed your self-esteem and allowed yourself to become isolated.

So what if you are seeing the signs?  If physical abuse is already occurring—even in its mildest form—you need to summon your strength and leave, in addition to reporting it to the proper authorities.  (Note: Depending on the severity of the situation, this may involve planning your exit privately before telling your partner.)

In the case of the emotional abuse that often precedes the physical, you must make it known to your partner that you will not tolerate this type of treatment.  If you are experiencing emotional abuse, yes, you might try couples counseling or meeting together with your pastor.  But my opinion is that someone who doesn’t treat their partner—the person they love—with basic kindness and respect is a certain kind of person…and a person you don’t need.  Remember, as a Christian and a child of God, you are enough all by yourself.  Should you find a mate who adds to your happiness and harmony in life, wonderful.  But if not, you have the ability to create it on your own.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE, or call 911 if there is immediate danger.