Christian Women: How Can You Tell if He’s Thinking Long Term?

As Christian women—or simply women for that matter—I think we can all relate to the curiosity that comes sometime between the second week and sixth month of dating a man we really like.  It starts as a half-conscious curiosity, but soon becomes a constant questioning: Does he see our relationship as long-term love, or a fun, yet fleeting, fling?

Signs he sees your relationship as long term

Through my years of studying relationships, I have put together a list of indicators that the man you’re with is playing for keeps…as opposed to just playing around.  And while you certainly need not notice all of these signs, you should see a majority…or at least the absence of their opposites.  Finally, while you might start fantasizing about the future on date three, as a general rule, I wouldn’t even expect some of these signals to surface until you’ve been seeing one another for at least a couple of months, but probably more like six months to a year and a half.

He uses the “we” word when speaking of the future
Even if you haven’t gotten to the point of formally planning a future together, a man who’s looking long term will accidentally (or on purpose) speak of tomorrow as if you’ll be together.  Comments like, “I could see us living in the city some day,” “When we’re older I’d like to live close to family,” or even, “Next Christmas let’s visit my aunt in Sacramento” are all positive signs.

He says the “L” word
And he says it freely, without pressure or prompting.

He wants to share in spirituality
If you are both Christians, it’s a good sign if he wants to pray and/or attend church together, two deep and emotional experiences that feel family-like.  If he’s not a Christian man, he should at least be interested in learning about your beliefs.  Aside from just wanting to understand who you are, if he’s not a Christian, and he’s thinking long term, he’ll likely be trying to work out how your religious beliefs will fit together, especially if children are to be involved.

He allows female friendships to fade
This is an important and often-overlooked indicator (discussed in detail in “Regina Gets Real: Your man constantly chats with female friends—are you wrong in asking him to hang it up?” November 2008).  The fact is in most happily married couples, neither partner retains close friendships with (straight) members of the opposite sex; it’s threatening, it erodes the intimacy of the couple, and it displays disrespect.  After all, there’s no need to have second-string women waiting in the wings when you feel you’ve found the one for life.

He integrates you into his group of male friends
When he imagines you’ll be together long term, he wants to make sure you can coexist with his group of guys.  Because it’s easy when dating a woman to keep her separate from friends; but when marriage is on his mind, he knows the two will have to mix and mingle…and he hopes it will be happily.

He introduces you to family (and wants you to like his mother)
Same as with his friends, if he’s playing for keeps, he envisions years of holidays, visits, and gatherings.  He wants to get his parent’s opinions of you, and see how well you handle them.  Even though many people pick spouses who don’t get along with their families, the fact that he makes introductions and tries to facilitate familial feelings is what lets you know he sees your relationship as serious.  If you are greeted by his clan with comments like, “So you’re Kendra; we’ve heard so much about you!” even better.

He opens up emotionally
A man who wants a future with you won’t just stick to safe and surface, dinner-date-appropriate topics.  He’ll be willing to take the risk of opening up about his beliefs, values, hopes, and dreams.  He’ll do so because, while it’s scary, he knows he must assess similarity on the serious subjects if you are to build a life together.

He doesn’t pressure for premature sex
Of course he may want to.  And he’ll likely even ask.  But the truth is if a man feels you are future material, he doesn’t need the nooky immediately, because he knows it will come eventually.  To the contrary, when a man sees you simply as “fun,” he feels he should actually be having some.

He doesn’t want to date others
While this may seem like a given if you’ve been dating awhile, what’s important is whether he mentions monogamy…or whether he grudgingly gives in after two years, kicking and screaming all the way.  Like quitting smoking and early-morning jogs, monogamy is one of those commitments that is rarely kept if agreed to under duress.

He has a healthy sense of jealousy
Of course it’s a fine line between healthy jealously and being improperly possessive, but a man who feels long-term love does not like the thought of someone else with “his” woman.  So as long as it’s not out of hand, or he doesn’t discourage you from going after your own goals, a man who simply couldn’t care less if the handsome waiter is flirting with you is a man who might not actually, well, care less.

He welcomes you into his life…and his home
When a man feels there is a future, he will slowly involve you in his life: He’ll invite you to family and work events, discuss with you his professional path, and try to involve you in his interests.  He’ll also be comfortable with you chilling at his house.  On the other hand, when a man doesn’t want to get serious, he’ll often try to keep you away from his turf for fear of getting too close or of you discovering that he’s still dating others.

He’s happy to just hang
Seeing each other only on formal-feeling dates and preplanned outings is, ironically, a popular method for keeping things casual.  Therefore, if your guy moves into the more comfortable and intimate “hanging out” (especially at his house), he’s probably planning for a longer union.

He shows some interest in your interests
Okay, so he might not excitedly explain, “The Marc Jacobs sample sale starts in 15 minutes, let’s move!”  However, taking some small interest in your hobbies and passions—i.e. “I want to try that Indian restaurant you like”—is a sure sign he’s thinking long term.  Along the same lines, readily attending events thrown by your family or friends is also telling.  Bonus points if such events require a suit and tie.

He mentions marriage in a positive light
Men who are seeking short-term fun, steer clear of even the word marriage.  And they certainly don’t play up other people’s pairings with statements like, “Rick’s getting married to Sharone; isn’t that great?!”  In fact, if they do mention the “M” word, it’s generally in a negative light (i.e. “Rick’s walking the plank,” “throwing in the towel,” or “taking the plunge of death”).

The final word

The bottom line is that, while you can use these signs as a general guide, the true test is your own intuition.  If you feel in your God-given gut he’s not in it for good, you are probably right.