Readying Yourself for Romance Part III: Brushing Up on Behavior

We’ve come to part three of “Readying Yourself for Romance,” the four-part series for people who are preparing to start dating again after an extended period of being single or in a serious relationship.

Thus far, I’ve discussed how to get ready, physically, so you can carry yourself confidently on dates as well as grab the attention of potential partners (“Readying Yourself for Romance Part I: The Physical Preparation,” November 2008).  I’ve also addressed how to accurately identify your wants and appropriately set expectations (“Readying Yourself for Romance Part II: Wants and Expectations,” November 2008).

This week, I’ll touch on another topic that is often overlooked by those who have been out of the dating game: Brushing up on your behavior and addressing dating dos and don’ts…before you find yourself face to face with a flirtatious someone.

Why is preparation important?

There are two reasons this preparation is important: First of all, if you haven’t been out there in awhile, things change as far as what’s standard—or even safe—dating behavior.  If you’re not up to speed, you might think you’re portraying one image, when your date is getting another picture completely.  Or you may interpret modern behaviors to mean something they don’t.  For example, just a few years ago, someone sending a text message to ask you out might have been seen as rude…but today, this type of thing is common, even from someone who’s interested.

On the other hand, you may not be protecting your safety sufficiently by today’s standards.  For instance, a decade or two ago—when people were more likely to date within their social circles—proper etiquette stated that a date should pick you up at your doorstep.  But today, with meeting people online and through more removed methods, it’s strongly suggested you take your own car and meet in a public place, at least for the first couple outings.  But if you haven’t dated in a decade, how would you know this?

The second reason it’s wise to do some work beforehand is that it’s helpful to think about how your habits, tendencies, and shortcomings might be interpreted in a date setting.  For instance, if you’ve been in a relationship, you’ve probably fallen into some patterns of behavior that may be perfectly acceptable for a long-term couple.  But bust these out on a first date, and there’s likely to not be a second.

Getting the info you need to succeed

So how exactly do you uncover the information you need to make a positive impression?

Reading and research
I know it sounds like a science project…but in many respects it is similar.  After all, you’re trying to create chemistry—or at least ban the behaviors that will kill it completely.  And how can you find out what’s appropriate behavior for Christians looking for love today?  Read!

I’ve written numerous articles on how to act during initial dates; so you might start by checking out the following:

“Dating Dos and Don’ts: Conversation Keys and Killers for the First Few Dates,” September 2008
“Making the First Move: Women CAN Avoid a Missed Opportunity and Still Let Men Lead the Way,” September 2008
“‘Check Please!’ Who Should Pay for the First Few Dates?” April 2008
“Reality Check: Are You a First-Date Faultfinder?” October 2008
“Fun and Faith-Appropriate First (Few) Dates,” December 2007
“Mr. Perfect Did What? Women: Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk,” November 2007
“MS. Perfect Did What? Men: Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk,” December 2007

There are also boatloads of books on dating for Saved singles.  A good place to start is by checking out Faithmate’s picks (at www.faithmate.com), where many Bishop-recommended reads are profiled.

Find out from friends
Besides books written by and for Christian singles, a great place to get up to date on how to date is by talking with your faithful friends who have been out there more recently than you.  Ask what they think you should keep in mind during a date.  Ask what they have noticed is helpful (and harmful!) in having a date go well.  Ask what mistakes they’ve made and what they’d do differently.  Finally, ask about the logistics of current courtships: Where do they usually meet for first dates?  Who pays?  How do they end a good date?  How do they cut things off when they don’t want to see someone again?  And how do they handle premature physical advances?

Prepare with personal insight
So this one requires you to be straightforward with yourself: Look at your past behavior—either on dates that went wrong or in terms of troubles in your last relationship—and analyze what you could have done differently.  Of course, relationship troubles take two to create; but it’s helpful to assess your part in the problems.  You might make a list of the top three things that played a part in the issues; then write out how your actions contributed…and how you would handle the situation better in the future.

A second strategy is to write down the top three complaints your ex would likely have had about your actions.  I know this is difficult, but if you don’t identify what you’ve done in the past to turn off others, you may make the same mistakes over and over again.

Ask friends for honest feedback
In addition to looking inward, it’s extremely helpful to ask outside sources to evaluate your behavior.  Again, it’s not always pleasant to hear how you could behave better, but the benefits can’t be beat!

Ask a trusted friend or family member—not someone with any type of ulterior motive—what behaviors or habits you might want to watch out for on a date.  For example, I have a friend who was recently complaining about her lack of love.  In fact, she asked me straight up, “Why do I never seem to meet anyone?”  Since we’re tight, I was totally upfront: I told her that in her effort to not seem desperate, she often acts aloof.  I explained that when you give someone your phone number, but act like you could care less whether they use it, the chances of them calling are substantially slimmer than if you showed interest.

The final word

So in addition to preparing physically and examining your wants and expectations, the third piece of the puzzle is to spend some time studying before you start searching for love.  Take a look at both your own behaviors as well as what’s commonplace today in Christian courtships…put these two together, and it will be hard not to make a fantastic first impression!

Stay tuned for part IV of the series “Readying Yourself for Romance.”  Coming soon!