Last week I addressed an increasingly pertinent subject: long-distance dating (see “Long-Distance Dating Part I: Should You Do It?” October 2008). In this article, I gave tips and factors to consider in deciding whether a particular long-distance relationship is worth pursuing. If you’ve read that and decided to forge forward, read on to learn how you can find long-term love that’s initially of a long-distance nature.
I should note that there are obviously many different scenarios when discussing long-distance dating, including couples who date locally before one is forced to move and more permanent long-distancers like military couples. While these scenarios do share many similarities, I am going to focus on singles who meet online (or through friends) and begin dating long-distance, without initially dating locally.
Tips for doing the long-distance dance…from the cyber-meeting to the move to be together
Don’t delay the first meeting
Once you are e-mailing and speaking daily for a couple of months—and you’ve assessed that both parties feel there is long-term potential—you shouldn’t wait too long before meeting in person. The reason is that you don’t want to fall into a “fantasy relationship.” This is where you cyber-date for months on end, allowing yourself to bask in the bliss of what is often an inaccurate image of what the other person is really like. Instead, once you feel comfortable, plan for a face-to-face weekend so you can assess if there is in-person chemistry and compatibility. (Note: Stay tuned for an article on how exactly to handle The First Visit.)
Agree on ground rules
When a relationship is long distance, it is especially important to create what structure you can. In fact, according to onlinedatingmagazine.com, a study by Dr. Greg Guldner found that “70% of couples in a long distance relationship who did not set rules, or deal with changes, ended up breaking up within six months.”
This means you should come to agreement on issues such as how often you will speak, frequency of visits, a rotation of who will visit whom, how you will handle the costs of the travel, and, most importantly, whether you will date other people. This latter leads me to my next point…
Don’t date other people
It is very hard in any relationship to build intimacy if one or both are dating others. Especially if you are dating long-distance—enduring the hardship of travel and longing—you should be doing it because you have determined this is the person with whom you want to build a relationship (and possibly a future). If you don’t feel interested enough to do such, then save yourself the hassle and stick to singles close to home.
Dial daily
Most couples speak daily as a means of staying involved in one another’s lives…and this is even more crucial for couples who are long distance. Furthermore, with most cellular companies now offering free long-distance calling, there’s no excuse not to connect. So even if you don’t have time for an hour of deep discussion every day, a 15-minute catch-up is crucial, so he or she feels part of your life.
Rely on rituals
Talking daily is great…and if you can devise your own little rituals around it, even better. Whether it’s an eight am wake-up call or phoning to say goodnight before bed, fixed daily routines build intimacy and facilitate trust…in addition to giving each person periodic pick-me-ups they can look forward to.
Don’t skip details
It goes without saying that you should open yourself up to your partner over the phone, letting them in on your struggles and asking for support the way you would with a local love; but it’s also key that you share the more mundane daily details, rather than dismissing them, thinking, “Oh that’s not important enough to explain.”
These details are significant because they tell our partners who we are, and they add up to shape us over time. When you don’t divulge the tiny things that make up your days, you may find that once you get together you feel an unexplainable sense of having grown apart…or not really having gotten to know one another at all.
Connect via virtual dates
Another way to build a bond across miles is by having “virtual dates.” For instance, stay on the phone while watching a TV show or game together; even take a stroll in the park while talking and taking in some sun. And if you aren’t already familiar with Skype, get to know it (www.skype.com): This software allows you to talk via the Internet, free of charge, computer to computer, while watching the other on your screen.
Stick to a visitation schedule
Since spending time in person is the cornerstone of connecting, you need to make out a travel schedule for the first few months…and stick to it! This means no cancelling because you’ve got a friend coming into town or work is hectic. You need to establish upfront that your relationship is your priority. Furthermore, if you leave visits to “when we have time,” you’ll never see one another—or you’ll spend yourself sick trying to buy airline tickets last minute.
Take turns traveling
Think of this as your first chance for compromise. Of course both people want to avoid the hassles of travel and are excited to show their new guy or gal their hometown. However, you don’t want one partner feeling as though they are shouldering the majority of the burden. This usually means alternating who visits whom; although, given individual career constraints, it may mean that one does the traveling slightly more often than the other, and this is fair too.
Be fair about finances
My feeling is that you need to come to an agreement ahead of time as to how you will handle travel expenses, so it’s not awkward every time tickets need to be bought. Usually this means splitting things 50/50; but if one person makes significantly more money, it’s fine to let him or her handle the majority of the expenses. That being said, if you are the one who is being treated to travel, make sure you pitch in periodically. For example, for each trip he (or she) sports the airline tickets, make sure to spring for a thank-you dinner once you are together.
Have faith and adopt an attitude of trust
When dating long distance, you can easily drive yourself crazy with wonder, not to mention send your partner running with constant doubts. That’s why the best way to handle this is to trust the man/woman you are dating and take them at their word…at least until they give you something about which to be suspect. Joe Tracy, Publisher of Online Dating Magazine, agrees: “I live by the philosophy that ‘I will fully trust a person until they give me a reason not to,’” he advises.
Continuously assess compatibility
Remember, in my opinion, long-distance dating should be seen as a precursor to possibly spending your lives together…in the same place! Because of this, you need to make sure you are mentally evaluating similarity of beliefs, interests, and general compatibility. If you sense a red flag, don’t sweep it under the rug because you only have to spend three days together—talk it out and ask yourself whether it’s something you can live with in the long run. In other words, treat the relationship like you would a local one: Date as a means to discover whether or not it’s long-term love.
Make a plan to be together
As I explained in the last article, whether or not someone would be open to moving should have been hypothetically handled at the onset. After a few months, however, it’s time to talk time…as in, “If things are going this well, say, next June, what’s our plan for being together?” Again, long-distance dating differs from local dating in that things must be discussed sooner to avoid wasting energy, emotions, and travel budgets. That being said, once you’ve made the plan, put it aside and enjoy the experience of courting.
Live like normal
Sure, the first few months you visit, you’ll likely be doing the fun, touristy stuff: dinners, outings, and meeting friends and family. However, some people fall into the trap of having every visit be like a vacation; once they move to be together, they realize that when Sundays mean sitting at home with the paper, they don’t enjoy each other’s company as much as when they were always on the go. Therefore, once things progress, try to make visits as much like real life as possible: Don’t take off work, stay in for more dinners, and do attend to daily errands. This will give both people a more realistic sense of what life would be like as a couple.
Extend your time together
In line with the above, you’ll want to extend the length of visits as the relationship moves forward. Suffice it to say that a month of someone staying in your guest room will give you a much better idea of compatibility than three fun-filled days holed up at a hotel.
The bottom line is that you can take a relationship from cyber-dating, to long-distance, and finally, to forever. In fact, if you remember nothing else, remember this: Commit, take it as seriously as you would an in-person courtship, and finally, if you feel you’ve found someone special, do whatever it takes to make long-distance dating become a local, love-filled life together.
