Long-Distance Dating Part I: Should You Do It?

Online dating has literally exploded in popularity. In one study from Jupiter Research*, by 2008 online dating will hit $642 million in revenue, which means the way singles meet, mingle, get to know one another, date, and form relationships has changed. One of the many significant implications has been a rise in long-distance dating.

If you think about it, it makes sense: With the whole world of singles at the click of a mouse and communication channels like e-mail and IM all but free, it’s more likely than ever for us to form a romantic relationship with someone outside our immediate area. And while some singles stick safely to the “within 25 miles” screen, my feeling is that we shouldn’t limit ourselves. Especially as Christians, who are not looking to settle for anything less than our true, spiritually-centered soul mate, speaking simply in terms of numbers, it’s wise to expand our search to include the possibility of long-distance love.

Long-distance relationships…three statistics support positive potential

According to statistics cited on www.longdistancerelationships.com, “LDRs,” as they affectionately refer to them, are popular and non-promiscuous:

1. Seven million couples in the United States consider their relationship to be long distance (of the 7 million, 2.5 to 3 million are long-distance marriages, whereas between 3 and 4.5 million are dating couples).

2. Some studies suggest that long-distance marriages make up as much as 10-16% of all marriages.

3. Three out of three studies show that couples in long-distance relationships had no greater risk of cheating than those located in close geographical proximity. Their explanation? “It seems that the risk of having an affair is related more to the quality of the relationship between the couple, and the personalities involved, than on mere opportunity.”

Deciding if the relationship is realistic

While I am for considering long-distance romance, that doesn’t mean I am certain it will work in every circumstance. The most important thing is that you evaluate early on whether the pairing has long-term potential. Since you are dating to find your life partner, you don’t want to waste time (and emotions) on a relationship that’s unrealistic.

Consider the following factors to reach a decision…

Is it just for fun?
If possible, before you spend money to make even one visit, try to assess yours and the other’s intentions with regard to the relationship. Although we are Christians and dating is meant to be a means to marriage, in the absence of true love, we still crave companionship and the fun that friendship offers. That being said—and I’ve already discussed the drawbacks of opposite-sex friendships in general—you definitely don’t want to spend money and mental energy to travel for a lighthearted laugh. Aside from the fact that it’s a waste of time to pursue a long-distance relationship that you don’t see as having long-term potential, it almost always gives the other person false hopes; because chances are good that if they’re going to the trouble of traveling to see you, they are interested in something serious. It’s easy enough to find fun and friendships close to home…so leave the long-distance dating for finding your spiritual soul mate.

Might one move?
Once your online communications lead to an in-person meeting, you need to have a candid conversation about whether one might move if things were to work out. While there are certainly permanently long-distance relationships, my feeling is that long-distance dating should be a precursor to the couple eventually sharing space.

As far as bringing this up, unlike in local relationships—where discussions of marriage should be held off on until you’ve been dating awhile—with the long-distance courtship, logistics need to be tackled up front. Because if it’s determined that neither is open to moving, there is no reason to continue communication…as it will only lead to heartbreak and hopelessness down the line.

When you engage in this talk, it should be approached as a far-off possibility. A good way to start is with something like the following: “I know that it is very early on and that neither of us could possibly have come to any conclusions as to whether we might be a long-term fit. However, speaking strictly hypothetically, we should address the issue of whether one of us would be open to relocating—and whether it would be possible career-wise—if things were to progress. Because if there is no chance, we should save ourselves stress by not moving forward.”

Also during this discussion, it is important that you keep an open mind about being the one who might eventually move. Most likely, the person who would be the primary breadwinner and/or whose job is less flexible, would be harder to parlay into an offsite position, or more difficult to replace in a new city would be the one to stay put. Either way, the more you are willing to at least entertain being the one to relocate, the better chance the partnership has of progressing.

Is travel financially feasible?
If you are to engage in long-distance dating, travel will be a necessity, as real romances cannot be built completely in cyberspace. Before going forward, you need to discuss whether one or both parties have the funds to make in-person visits possible.

Are there other obstacles?
The final issue to assess is the presence of additional obstacles that would make settling in the same place impossible. For example, if the person lives in a foreign country, do you speak the language? Would you/he be able to get citizenship? Would there be career options for the one who made the move?

Another issue is children. If one (or both) of you has kids, you need to consider the implications of their schooling, court rulings regarding your ex and visitation, etc. However, with all of these factors, try to keep an open mind; write off the relationship only if you have analyzed the options and can find no fair solution.

A tale of extreme-distance love

If you are one of those folks who wonders whether true love would be worth moving miles away, I have a story for you. While I now know a number of men and women who have met, then moved to start a life together, this story sticks out because of the degree of distance involved.

Shaun is a woman of about 40, who was, until five years ago, single and sad about it. Always one to have a boyfriend, after a broken engagement and a move to New York City, for the first time, Shaun found herself having trouble meeting someone suitable. Whether it was her long hours at work, her higher standards after her last relationship, or her smaller social circle being in a new place, Shaun finally did what any smart single should do…she joined a dating site and asked the few friends she had to set her up.

Immediately, she had one offer from an excited co-worker who wanted her to meet a man we’ll call James. In fact, the co-worker said she had instantly thought of James when she met Shaun, as she sensed they might be one another’s type. She also said she’d have mentioned it sooner, but there was one small stumbling block…James now lived in London!

That being said, she explained that James was due in New York on business; and she suggested to Shaun they might as well meet. But after an ended engagement and her recent move, Shaun declined the date. Her reasoning? She just wanted something simple, and she wouldn’t even consider moving again so soon. Plus, she could just as well meet someone local, right?

Well, Shaun forgot that God doesn’t always work geographically when sending soul mates. And after two months of terrible-to-tolerable first dates, the time came for James’ trip to New York. Feeling frustrated with the singles’ scene, Shaun agreed to a drink with James.

Well, you can guess how this happy tale ends. Shaun now lives in London, and while she admits the move was major and the courtship somewhat costly, she says she wouldn’t trade her life with James no matter what the amount of inconvenience.

In short, my message here is really related to last week’s article (“Reality Check: Are You a First-Date Faultfinder?” October 2008): You shouldn’t be so quick to rule out a potential partner just because distance divides. As Christians, we deserve to be picky, and therefore we can’t say for certain that our true love lives within a 25-mile radius. While I’m not saying that long-distance dating is easy, or that it’s for everyone, you should assess your situation according to the above guidelines and, most importantly, keep an open mind. After all, a lifetime of love and Christian companionship could very well be enjoyed in a new town…or time zone!

*According to data cited at http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/mediacenter/onlinedatingfacts.html.

Stay tuned for tips on how to find happily ever after via long-distance dating: “Long-Distance Dating Part II: How Should You Do It?”