How to Handle Claims of Hardship: Keeping Your Heart and Your Wallet Safe from Scams

The Bible teaches us to be compassionate, kind, and giving toward our fellow man: As Christians, we pride ourselves on being generous, on helping out those less fortunate, and on keeping an open, nonjudgmental attitude toward others.

Unfortunately, this compassion can also make us easy targets for scam artists looking to profit from our kind character; the anonymous nature of the Internet makes all online sites potential places to prowl for prey.

When looking for love becomes looking like a free handout

Jackie is a 43-year-old single parent of two who recently met a man we’ll call Derek in a Christian singles’ chatroom (not on FaithMate, but a Christian site nonetheless). Their conversations quickly moved from the chatroom to their personal e-mails, where Derek piled on the charm. He talked about his love of children (even though he had none of his own), described his ideal woman as a virtual duplicate of the photo Jackie had sent of herself, and detailed his successful career in banking, a career which, he claimed, had earned him a huge house complete with two sports cars in the driveway.

However, after about two weeks of continuous e-mailing, Derek switched gears. He wrote how he had been embarrassed to admit it, but he had actually been laid off from his firm three months prior and that he was now in danger of losing his house…a house, in which he had mused, he could imagine himself, Jackie, and her kids “making a life together.” As you can guess, after responding with a few sympathetic e-mails, Jackie found herself face to face with a request for money…$3,000 to be exact, to help him pay the mortgage on the house he could one day see them sharing.

And while people posting false profiles in an effort to extort money from well-meaning Christians is not a daily occurrence, even one story of someone being taken is one too many. Because anyone who has been scammed by a sob story, only to have their trust taken along with their hard-earned money, will tell you that it takes awhile to regain the guts to get back out there. Not to mention it’s nearly impossible to reclaim the cash.

Christians as targets

While I mentioned that these claims of hardship exist on any and every website out there, the truth is that Christian sites may bear a bit more of the brunt. Why? The reason is twofold. First of all, as I mentioned above, generous, compassionate people make perfect targets. Scammers know that we try to live our lives in accordance with the principles of charity and community service; so they figure we’ll be more open to opening our wallets at the first sign of someone who’s struggling.

Secondly, these scam artists know that people on a dating site are looking for love…they know what we are looking for, so they know what to say to give us hope of finding it. Once they have positioned themselves as our potential Perfect Man or Woman, they feel we’ll want to believe we’ve found someone special…if that perfect person needs a little help in the short term, so be it. They are counting on us so deeply desiring this connection that we will overlook our usual intelligence and common sense.

What they aren’t counting on, however, is us arming ourselves with knowledge. The more we know about what these scammers look like and how to handle them, the less they are able to work their way into our hearts and consequently into our bank accounts.

What’s the secret to not getting scammed?

Let me be clear: I am absolutely not advising against using Internet dating sites or any of the millions of other meeting spaces out there! Online dating and networking sites provide many benefits, not the least of which is to help us connect with compatible Christian singles, those who are truly looking for likeminded love. Instead, my goal is to make all men and women aware of how these criminals come across, the early signs of a scammer, and how we can avoid getting sucked in to start with, by following some simple tips:

Don’t appear desperate
Someone looking to scam is hoping to hear a sense of desperation on the part of an online dater. Because the more desperate you seem to find a mate, the less they think you’ll be willing to let common sense cloud your romantic fantasy. Expressing a sense of exasperation with statements like, “Every man I meet seems to be a dud; I’m just looking to finally find one good guy,” tells potential con artists that you are frustrated…and may be willing to do whatever it takes to make love happen.

Keep finances confidential
Especially if you are doing well or have some money saved up, don’t divulge this information to people you meet online. First of all, it’s none of their business. Secondly, it sets you up as a perfect target to take advantage of. And if anyone does ask, that should be seen as a bright red flag, a certain reason to retreat from further conversations.

Take heed of too good to be true
The man in Jackie’s story is a perfect example of someone who should have raised a red flag. First of all, laying on the charm too thick is often a sign of a scammer. If you hear things like, “I’ve been waiting for a woman like you my whole life,” or other statements that say he/she has been looking for someone exactly like you, this is cause for concern. Not that you don’t have it going on…it’s just that most people don’t get so smitten with a virtual stranger.

Another huge sign is someone who talks long term when the two of you haven’t even met; in Jackie’s case, Derek was mentioning moving her and her kids into his home, before even one in-person encounter. And finally, someone who speaks of how much money, how many cars, and how big a house they have is someone to be scared of: Those who are really rich don’t want others online to know what they’ve got for fear of being targeted (see the point above) or sought out only for their security. And if he or she suggests that—with just a little help now—you can share in the spoils of their wealth once they’re back on their feet, don’t even consider not cutting communication immediately!

Beware of pushes for personal e-mail or phone number
As mentioned in Ayesha’s Blog, scammers know that websites’ internal e-mail systems are easily tracked; so if someone is trying to take you for money then disappear, they are not going to want the conversations asking for cash to be traced. Therefore, the first thing they’ll often do is push you to communicate via an outside account. Don’t fall for this! If you think about it, there is no legitimate reason for not relying on a site’s internal account until you really get to know someone. Simply tell him or her that you are more comfortable not providing personal information yet…anyone who doesn’t agree is someone to be suspicious of.

Stay skeptical of the sob story
It’s important that you keep your scam-artist-radar activated. While it’s normal for people to slowly share details of life’s hardships, people who aren’t looking for money do not immediately bring up their trouble with the law or decades of debt accumulation. In fact, if they are really looking for love, they’ll want to keep that stuff stashed away in order to make a good impression. But when they’re only looking for a handout, it’s certain to come up sooner.

Don’t pass the target test
Scammers don’t usually ask for money immediately; instead, they build rapport, try to get your hopes up, and administer tests to determine how likely you are to comply with their requests for cash. One way they do this is by speaking of their hardship—first without asking for help—to see how sympathetic you are to the situation. So while I’m not saying to abandon your Christian compassion completely, I am suggesting that you do not respond too sympathetically either. Responding with a brief, “I’m sorry for your situation, and I will pray for you,” then changing the subject, lets the person know you are caring, but not considering involving yourself in their troubles. Again, an honest dater will not harp on their hardships…and a scammer will see you aren’t going to take the bait; they’ll momentarily move on to a more certain mark.

Move on at the first mention of money
No matter how wonderful he or she seems, if you ever receive a request for money from someone you have not been dating seriously, in-person, for a significant amount of time, you need to run then report. Remember, there is no case-by-case basis when it comes to cons: Regardless of the situation, DO NOT SEND SOMEONE MONEY! Period.

To sum things up, if you are wondering what happened with Jackie, there is some (semi) good news: Even though she was seriously considering sending her “Mr. Perfect” money, after consulting with family and members of her church, she was talked into holding off. Once she denied Derek’s request, she never heard from him again.

So in short, the important thing to remember is that the majority of people on dating sites are looking for actual dates…and Christian sites can be a wonderful way to meet spiritual singles. But, you must always keep your eyes open for signs of a scammer. If you take heed of the tips above—and are not afraid to cut communication at the first sign of someone asking for a handout—you can enjoy social sites for their intended purpose.

To report fraud or requests for money, visit www.stop-scammers.com.

To read Ayesha’s words of wisdom on the subject of scams and fake profiles, visit Ayesha’s Blog.