Pining for the past and waiting on what’s not meant to be… you must MENTALLY move on in order to find your future

Dilemma

I had this guy at my church that really, really liked me for a long time.  I would always brush him off because I wasn’t attracted to him and besides he dated a few other women in the church.  That turned me off totally.  We had a few encounters via numerous and long phone conversations, I learned that this man is so much like me, and I was AFRAID!  Well, something happened—I ended up SABOTAGING the situation and ran him away due to my own emotional issues/fear.  He now has a girlfriend and tells me that he loves her.  I do call him occasionally, to hear how he is doing because I care so much about him still, and we still talk on the phone for hours.  I strongly believe that this man was my twin/soulmate.  I feel so bad for pushing him away and I find myself crying constantly because I feel as though there’s this big hole in my life.  I really messed up this time and I wish that I had another chance to make this thing right but it’s too late.  I will not come between his relationship.  I had my chance and I blew it!  I think that he has some feelings for me still but is trying to anesthetize them by dating other women.  I will be okay in due time.

Deconstruction

I have read a couple of your comments, and your situation really breaks my heart…partly because it is so very common: I think at one time or another many of us have fallen into this rut, pining for someone who has moved on, while we tell ourselves we are not waiting in the wings!  Unfortunately, in your case, this sadness and self-blame has gone on for far too long—as you mention in an earlier post that it’s been five or six years.

So before I tell you how I think you should handle things and why you must move on to find fulfillment, I think you need to first hear an accurate assessment of this stinging situation…

What’s really going on

As an objective authority and someone who wants you to find happiness, I am going to be honest with you: You are living in the past and lying to yourself that you are moving on—or, as you say, that you “will be okay in due time.”  If you continue to believe this man was/is your soul mate, you will waste even more years emotionally engaged in this losing limbo.

While you are not physically involved with this man, you are still very much mentally tied up in him.  More specifically, you still believe that if you hang around the perimeters of his life, he is going to eventually wake up, forgive you for your actions, and realize he wants to share his life with you.  How do I know you think this?  Because you continue to call him!  You say that you “will not come between his relationship,” yet this is exactly what you are trying to do.  How else would you describe calling a man who is otherwise attached and talking for hours?  How would you feel about a woman who was calling your man and engaging in extended heart-to-hearts?

Now I know you are probably protesting, “But he’s taking my calls?!”  And you are right.  As the person who is presumably less emotionally involved—and who has a significant other who doesn’t deserve disrespect—he should be the one who is strong enough to do the responsible and compassionate thing and refuse your phone calls.  But he’s not.  And since I can’t advise or affect his behavior, you are going to have to be the bigger person and put a stop to this charade.

And why do I say charade?  Because, and I’m sorry if this hurts you, if this man wanted a real relationship with you, he would be pursuing one…now.  I know that you say he had strong feelings for you in the past, and that may very well be true.  While I am not sure exactly what you did to offend him (or if his feelings weren’t real to begin with), he has moved on to another relationship.  He would, however, like to keep you “on the hook” as an ego boost or in case things don’t work out with his present partner.  This I am sure of.  What he’s doing is walking the cowardly line of allowing you to linger in the background without (so he thinks) compromising his current union.  And this is a part-time position you don’t deserve to play.  So whatever the truth about his former feelings, the only thing that matters now is this: He has moved on and is committed to another.

As women, we are often guilty of rationalizing men’s behavior to fit what we want to believe: Even when they are saying something sincerely, we search for indications to the contrary.  So take heart in the fact that you are far from alone!  As a professional, I’ve seen it; as a person, I’ve done it.  For instance, you say that “he has some feelings for me still but is trying to anesthetize them by dating other women.”  The truth is, while he may have certain feelings for you, he IS TELLING YOU STRAIGHT UP that he loves his girlfriend…and you are doing yourself a definite disservice by not believing him.

A word about soul mates and the Preparatory Partner

Throughout years of analyzing relationships, I have come to some explanations as to why we may mistakenly think someone is our soul mate.  But first, consider this: An implicit characteristic of a soul mate is the mutual feeling of oneness.  By definition, the word “mate” involves two.  Therefore, for someone to truly be our soul mate, they must feel the same way.

So why is it that we can come to mistaken conclusions about finding this true love?  Well, for starters, as women—and as Christians—we long to find lasting love and a life partner.  As with anything in life, wanting badly can mean wanting blindly; in an effort to find a fit, we sometimes try to force or even fabricate one.

A common phenomenon, yet something we can’t see clearly unless in hindsight, is what I call the Preparatory Partner.  A Preparatory Partner is someone who prepares us to be open to, to recognize, and to healthily interact with our real soul mate.  Often misinterpreted as our true soul mate, a Preparatory Partner is someone who has a lot of the qualities we will later find in our soul mate, and they teach us things we need to know about ourselves and what we really want in a man or woman.  The catch is that this person is not our actual intended.  Maybe they belong with someone else.  Maybe they possess that one important point that makes them inherently wrong for us.  Or maybe they simply don’t see us as soul mate material.  Whichever is the case matters not…for their purpose is to prepare, readying us for our lasting love.

I have a friend whose story is a perfect example of a Preparatory Partner.  Sherri (we’ll call her) met Samuel (we’ll call him) and began an intense love affair.  Sherri had been doing a lot of inner work and had come to a more settled place in her life and a more secure sense of herself.  Therefore, when she met Samuel, she thought, “This is it; my spiritual work has paid off!”  Possessing many qualities she wanted in a mate, she dated Samuel for about six months…until he left her to go back to his long-term love, with whom he had recently parted ways (i.e. his intended soul mate).  Devastated, Sherri thought the love of her life had passed her by.  However, she persevered.

She sought counseling, spoke to a trusted pastor, and continued to pray for strength and inner peace.  Eventually, she came to a crucial conclusion: Samuel had served an important purpose; he had made her realize that good, honest, and loyal men do exist…and that she deserved to be with one, rather than the two-timing, commitment-phobic “boys” she had dated in the past.  One year later, Sherri met John, a caring Christian man who possessed all the stellar qualities of Samuel, but with whom she clicked on an even deeper level.  Now married for two years, and with a child on the way, Sherri understands the purpose of the Preparatory Partner.

What you must do to find your future

Okay, so back to the situation at hand…or shall I say at heart.  What should you do from here?

First and foremost, read and reread the analysis above.  And please, realize I do not say any of this to preach!  I say this, sincerely, because you sound like a woman who has wasted a lot of time sad over something likely not meant to be.  You sound like a smart and loving Christian woman who deserves to find a true love who appreciates all you have to offer…and nothing less.

Therefore, whatever it takes, your first step is to accept that you are still emotionally entangled.  Your second step is to disentangle yourself.  This means cutting off all contact with this man and taking his words at face value that he is in love with his girlfriend.  Finally, this means forgiving yourself!  Again, while I don’t know what you did to sabotage the situation, suffice to say, you have suffered enough.  Now it’s time to move on.  Seeing this man as a Preparatory Partner is an important part of doing this; for as long as you consider him to be your soul mate, you will not see your true intended if he were standing right in front of you.

Now, I am going to give you one additional option—not as an alternative to moving on, but as a predecessor to moving forward…and only if you really feel strongly that you can not move on without regrets unless you give him a final opportunity.  If this is the case, and you feel that you will be wondering what would have been, you may consider having one open and honest final conversation with him.  During this talk, you would tell him that you a. have deep feelings for him and that b. you need to get on with your life.

State simply that if he loves you and not her, then he needs to break things off with her and be with you; if not, that you are going to allow them a chance at a committed and contented future and yourself a chance to find your own special someone…by completely cutting all communication.  If he reaffirms that he does love her (which, be prepared, he probably will), you must believe him.  Game over.

From this point, you need to start living in the present and looking toward your future.  Accept that you have learned from your sabotaging…but take solace in the fact that you did NOT scare off your soul mate!  Your lifetime love is still out there…when you really open your eyes and stop pining for something in the past, God will deliver you someone who is meant to be your future.

Until next time, never lose faith…it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina

PS—I also advise that you read the article “Reality Check: Are You Hiding Behind Your Faith to Avoid Looking for Love?” as it will explore a bit more about why you may have held off on dating and how you can go about getting in the game.