Making the First Move: Women CAN Avoid a Missed Opportunity and Still Let Men Lead the Way

I was recently reading the comments on FaithMate.com in response to an article I had previously written, “Asking Out Your Crush: Should You Do It? How Should You Do It? And How Should You React in the Case of Rejection?” (You can also read the FaithMate posting, with comments, here.) As I read the remarks, I noticed most were from women who were wondering whether the advice to ask out your crush pertained primarily to men. It seems that whether women should ask out men is a puzzling issue…and I believe it deserves some detailing.

In my opinion, the reason it’s so subjective is that there are two opposing principles at work. On one hand, there is the aspect I addressed in the crush article: Rather than missing a chance for romance or wasting time wondering whether someone is interested, better you go ahead and ask them out…if done in the right way, you can protect your pride, possibly find your partner, or at least free yourself from unrealistic expectations and move on.

On the other hand, however, is something equally important: As a woman, you want to feel “pursued” and “desired” like a lady, and he wants to feel “macho” like a man. By turning the tables and making the first move, you risk throwing off this balance…and this too can have negative consequences.

Traditional roles: They work for a reason

Before I get to my advice on asking out a man, let’s explore the reasons I include caveats when telling women to make the first move. It’s not just that I am old-fashioned. (Okay, I probably am old-fashioned.) However, the real reason is supported by psychological principles: Stated simply, men like to feel like men…and women like to be treated like women. Think about it, part of what attracts us to another is not just who they are, but how they make us feel about ourselves. No matter how tough an exterior we present, and how much we are completely competent, we still like to feel taken care of and protected by our men; we like to feel prized and respected. Because even if we never need protection, it makes us feel loved knowing that our man has got our back, that he could take charge and stand strong if necessary.

On the flip side of the same coin, men derive much of their self-image by feeling capable and masculine. When a man meets a woman who treats him like he’s capable of taking charge and protecting his partner, he feels good about himself; he feels like what he thinks a man—not a boy—should be. And this self-confidence makes him want to spend more time together.

Of course, as with anything, there are exceptions: Sure, I have known couples where the woman is a stronger and more aggressive personality, and the man lets her take charge and call the shots. And for some this works. But if I really get to the root of these rare relationships, I usually find a man with low self-esteem…made even lower through years of having it eroded by his mate’s macho behavior. Meanwhile, this woman who has been able to play aggressor while her partner plays weak-willed, actually ends up reaping what she sows: Eventually, she loses respect for the helpless partner she has, herself, helped create.

Expressing your interest without reversing roles

So as you see, there is a conflict: On one hand, we want to let men be the pursuers; on the other, we don’t want to let a potential partner get away without at least putting ourselves out there. But fear not. I believe we can do both! If you go about asking in a way that lets him take the lead—and make sure to abide by some important pointers—you can still seize an opportunity, and get a realistic read on whether he’s interested.

How exactly is this done? Well, for starters, if you are going to make the move, you have only two (very UNaggressive) options:

1. Indicating you’re available
Okay, so this one isn’t actually asking him out, but rather making your move by expressing interest and availability. Aside from general flirting, smiling, and eye contact, get a bit bolder by inquiring about his plans for the weekend. If they include something you enjoy, say so! An affirmation such as, “Oh, I’ve been dying to see that movie” or “Volunteering is amazing; I’ve been wanting to get involved in something like that too” sends a pretty clear message that you are open for an invitation.

2. Asking, then letting him follow through
For the most accurate indicator of his feelings, do as I suggested in the article on asking out your crush…just casually ask him to hang out or join you in an activity. As I mentioned previously, your request doesn’t have to be formal, and it’s best if it includes something you are both comfortable doing. The key here is that once you ask, if he agrees, you allow him to take things from there. Instead of offering to call him to confirm (as I would advise a man to do), give him your number or e-mail, and tell him to contact you to confirm plans the day before. This way, while you’ve actually asked, he feels like he’s leading the way…escorting you on an outing.

And as I mentioned in the crush article, the dos and don’ts for making a move apply even more for women:

One invitation
While asking once is flattering, asking again becomes embarrassing. As I always say, people know when the ball is in their court. Regardless of his answer, he knows that if he’s interested, he must make the next move.

Don’t be desperate
Especially in the dating game, people can detect desperation. If you are going to ask him out, you must be prepared to handle any outcome…pride intact.

Future follow-ups
In the event that you do go out and you have a good time, remember, it’s his turn to take charge by asking for the next date…and probably the subsequent several.

The bottom line is that both parts are important: Maintaining the traditional role of man as pursuer is an aspect of attraction for men, as they want to feel in charge of the chase (and eventual catch). However, I do hold the opinion that we have far more regrets over things we didn’t go after than those we went for and failed. Not to mention, making an (unaggressive) move on a man is the best way to get an accurate answer as to whether or not he’s interested…thus allowing you to move on if your romantic sentiments are not shared. In fact, if you do it with a heart that’s open to accept any answer—and faith that if your feelings are not returned it’s because your true intended is out there—you really can’t go wrong. If he’s interested, a gentle nudge will be charming; if he’s not, say goodbye to wasted energy and emotions.