So, you might be wondering, what exactly is a pseudo-relationship?
What I call a pseudo (or “fake”) relationship is when two single, opposite-sex people are involved in a very close friendship that is posing as a romantic relationship. In other words, these two male/female friends spend much of their time together, don’t seriously date anyone else, and most importantly, fulfill the needs that would usually be met by a boyfriend or girlfriend…but they are not boyfriend and girlfriend; in fact, they are not even dating. They are friends.
“So what?” you ask. “What’s wrong with spending time with a friend while waiting for The One?” What’s wrong, in general, is that these relationships are not just casual friendships. In fact, the key is that one person sees the other as much more than a platonic pal…and they are hoping against hope that this pseudo-relationship will turn into a real one. But let us explore the downside further…
What’s wrong with being part of a pseudo-relationship?
Someone has hopes
If everyone is honest with themselves, one person is in the relationship primarily because they feel that if they hang in long enough as friends, the other person will wake up and realize that their “friend” is their soul mate. This, however, does not happen…and this is not just my opinion.
I recently came across a brilliant book by a married Christian couple (who actually met online!) Hayley and Michael DiMarco. It’s called Marriable (taking the desperate out of dating), and the views they express are very much in line with my conclusions in this column. In fact, they include an entire chapter titled “How Being Just Friends Is a Waste of Time,” in which they confirm exactly what I am explaining here: “If you are holding on to a long-term friendship in the hopes that one day it will magically turn to love, you are lying to yourself. The chances that your friend will wake up one day and see you in a totally different light are miniscule. Save yourself the heartache.”
Playing unrealistic roles: the “Filler” and the “Fantasy”
In line with the first negative, in a pseudo-relationship, the people involved generally come to play two interconnected (and ultimately damaging) roles, with each serving an explicit purpose: The person who is engaging in the friendship in the hopes of it developing into something more is playing the part of what I call the “Filler.” In other words, they are filling for the other the spot of girlfriend or boyfriend until someone “better” comes along. Often acting as the shoulder to cry on, the emotional dumping ground, or the on-call confidante, they allow the other to sidestep the loneliness of being single. As the DiMarcos astutely advise a woman who had been acting as a Filler, the relationship allows the “friend” to “get all this girl worship for free until he found someone he really wanted to date.”
Conversely, the second person is what I call the “Fantasy.” This person is the fantasy-mate of the Filler, and what they provide is (albeit false) hope. With each friendly phone call and every platonic plan, they provide hope for the Filler that one day these fake dates will become real romantic encounters. And for the same reason that slot machines in Vegas draw crowds, anything that keeps hope alive can cast a spell on otherwise observant individuals, allowing them to live blissfully oblivious in the risky realm of “possibility.”
Makes meeting a mate more unlikely
There are three distinct reasons that involvement in a pseudo-relationship is detrimental to one’s chances of meeting someone who’s really available for romance. The first is that these types of twosomes take up a lot of time; and since available suitors don’t often approach someone who appears to be dead-smack in the middle of a date, every moment you are out with your fake-date is a moment you are not available to meet someone who’d like to take you on a real one.
The second reason pseudo-matings prevent people from moving forward is that, as I touched on above, if your needs are being met in any type of way, the motivation to find a significant someone is seriously diminished. The main reason singles set forth effort to meet a mate is because they are driven by the lack of fulfillment of certain needs—such as the need for companionship, a confidante, or even a stand-by solution for “date required” outings. If you’ve got a pseudo-someone to fill in for the real thing, there’s less motivation to meet and mingle.
The third reason these relationships conflict with finding real romance applies mostly to the Filler. And it comes in the form of damaged self-esteem. In order to be attractive to potential partners, you must exude some degree of confidence and self-love, as a person who seems desperate and down on themselves is simply not someone people are dying to date. The problem with pseudo-relationships is that over the course of weeks, months, or even years, being in the presence of someone you want to want you, but who just doesn’t, is a real confidence killer! So even when you are not hanging out together, you walk around wearing your low self-image on your sleeve, then wondering why you seem to repel romance.
There’s no happy ending…and often a heaping helping of heartbreak
True, even when dating, we can never be assured of walking down the aisle and off into the sunset; but with pseudo-relationships, we can pretty much be assured of not. This is because the pseudo-relationship almost always ends in one of two sad scenarios: Either the Filler builds anger and resentment resulting from regular rebuffs from the Fantasy, which ultimately leads to a blowup and breakup of the friendship. Or, even worse, the Fantasy finds someone they do like romantically and abandons the Filler. This results in the Filler being filled themselves with feelings of inadequacy and burning questions of, “Why them and not me??”
Why don’t pseudo-relationships turn into the real thing?
Unfortunately, it’s really not that complicated: If someone is interested in you romantically, THEY WILL ASK YOU OUT. Okay, maybe it might take a couple times of hanging out before a shy guy or girl gets up the nerve to flirt; but if you’re spending tons of time together and your fantasy-mate is not making any indication that he or she is interested romantically, there’s only one reason…they are NOT interested romantically. Furthermore—and I know I’m going to get some “that’s not Christian” complaints on this one—but as I always say, chemistry does not develop—or at least not out of nothing. Without getting into too much detail (as I plan to do a whole article on this very soon), chemistry is something that can grow, but there must be a seed of attraction to begin with.
Once again, let’s look to the DiMarcos for backup. In response to a question from a woman who wants to know why a guy would spend so much time hanging out with her if he’s not interested, they respond as follows: “Hanging out with a guy in hopes that he will one day get a clue and ask you out is a big lie. When a guy likes a girl, he doesn’t let anything get in the way of dating her…all he’s guilty of (here) is liking you enough to hang out but not enough to date.”
Harsh? Maybe. But absolutely accurate.
How can you tell if you’re in a pseudo-relationship?
In my opinion, the defining feature of what I call the pseudo-relationship is that one person wishes it were more…and, admittedly or not, both people know it. So, while I know it’s harder to evaluate a situation that you are personally involved in, the truth is this: If you have to wonder whether you are in a pseudo-relationship rather than the real deal, you are. Because when you are engaged in an actual courtship, you will know! Even if as a Christian you are holding off on physicality, there will still be flirting, handholding, and exclamations of interest.
In other words, he or she will ask you out and/or tell you that they’re interested!
So what’s my parting advice? I advise that you get real with yourself immediately if you think you might be in a pseudo-relationship. And if you find you are in this high-risk, low-to-no-reward relationship, get out now. Grab your dignity when you go and get back on track to finding a real romance. Because while opposite-sex friendships might work in RARE instances (the topic of a future article), the pseudo-relationship is always a waste of time…and a heartbreak waiting to happen!
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4 Comments So Far
Wow, this really hit home. I feel like I might be in a pseudo-relationship except the other person is interested in me. The problem is he is dragging his feet as far as our relationship progressing. I really don’t know how to take that.
You just stop it.
He’s not dragging his feet, he’s trying to see if something better comes along. That’s what “some” men do. Bottom line, he’s just not that into you. Drop him, you deserve someone that is “really” into you.
Very true. I recently just had a talk with a man I’d been seeing casually for THREE years (yes! I was that stupid). And he said he had no emotional feelings towards me. He just cared for me as a human being. It hurt a lot. But I was glad to hear it. That was my wake up call. I have now begun the process of healing and moving on.