Reality Check: Are You Hiding Behind Your Faith to Avoid Looking for Love?
July 20, 2008 Email to a Friend
Believe me, I’ve heard all the excuses. “If God wanted me to be married, he would deliver me my mate.” “If I just have faith, the Right One will find me.” “If it’s meant to be, it will”—translation: I won’t—or shouldn’t—do anything to urge along the process.
And while if you read “Single and Sad? Stop Suffering and Start Enjoying the Benefits of Being on Your Own,” June 2008, you know that I’m firmly in favor of enjoying your single years to the fullest instead of spending all your time waiting and wondering when you’ll find true love. However, in saying that, I don’t mean that you should just sit around expecting a partner to be delivered to your doorstep. While this does happen for some—and we all know that God can work wonders—in the search for a soul mate, too many people are willing to accept the lowest possible odds and settle for the least amount of exposure, even to highly compatible fellow Christians.
What I’m saying is that often we Christians believe that it’s either have faith in God’s work and simply wait for your mate to materialize or get out there and be proactive, putting yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet someone special. In fact, there is even the erroneous belief that if you do engage in activities that will increase your chances of finding love—i.e. singles sites, blind dates, etc.—that you are somehow denouncing your faith and belief in God’s plan to bring you your perfect partner.
The truth of the matter, however, is that having faith and taking action are absolutely compatible. Stated simply, you are having faith that your mate is out there and faith that God will guide your actions in finding them.
What’s behind this belief?
My goal in writing this post is to not only refute the belief that setting yourself up to meet someone is somehow sinful, but to examine what I feel is at least part of the reason behind it.
I think that if we are honest with ourselves, at least a portion of our reason for clinging to this conclusion is that we are—for lack of a better word—lazy, and more importantly, we are scared. Blaming our faith is an easy excuse. On one hand, we don’t want to devote the time and energy into putting ourselves in a position where we might connect with a potential partner; after all, it’s easier to keep doing what we’ve been doing—that which, incidentally, hasn’t been working. And more significantly, we are fearful: “What if I do make an effort to meet someone, and I am still unsuccessful. Will I then have to abandon hope altogether??” It is easier and less scary to simply say, “I’m waiting on God,” than it is to get out there and risk for romance.
WWJW
We’ve all heard the saying “What Would Jesus Do?” But what about “What Would Jesus Want?” Let’s be real, even the Bible is in favor of a lifelong union between a man and a woman. The Lord wants your happiness, and I certainly don’t think that putting yourself in a position to meet likeminded Believers could be considered a bad thing.
That being said, as far as my usual disclaimer—once again, I am in no way, shape, or form a religious expert. I am, however, an expert in analyzing people. And I know an excuse when I hear one. Furthermore, I am not saying that putting yourself out there to find love should ever include something degrading, self-deprecating, promiscuous, desperate, or anything that doesn’t feel right in your gut. Instead, I’m simply advising that maybe some of us are being a bit too literal in our belief that God will deliver our mate…and all we need to do is hang out in front of our televisions and wait for that knock at the door!
What can we do?
There are many moves that we can make to increase our chances of finding love…and of course, all of them will not be right for everyone. What I am suggesting is that you pick and choose a few that feel right for you, and give them a go.
Faith-based dating sites
With over 30,000 active members on FaithMate.com, it’s pretty obvious that online dating has entered the mainstream, and fellow Christians realize that there is nothing sinful about singles sites. As I said before, taking steps to meet someone of similar faith to grow together in God is not something to be ashamed of.
Traditional matchmaking
For a complete discussion of the benefits of being set up by those who know you best, see “Match and Be Matched Part I: Making the Most of the Good, Old-Fashioned Setup,” April 2008. Once again, what stops many is fear; but it’s important to keep in mind the small risk compared to the potentially significant reward. And once you know how to handle the introduction, the meeting, and the aftermath, blind dates and setups can be a great way to meet that special guy or gal.
Attendance at events or outings
Putting yourself in proximity to those with similar interests is one of the best ways to meet likeminded mates. Whether the activity is social, spiritual, athletic, or educational, camaraderie and a common goal enable you to open up and have a no-pressure exchange, a perfect excuse to get to know a potential partner in a public setting. Examples include:
• Church, religious groups, and Bible study
• Charity and community organizations
• Parties and dinners hosted by friends or family members
• Weddings and other events that bring together friends of friends
• Clubs (i.e. book, chess, art, or music)
• Classes (i.e. foreign language, cooking, computer, etc.)
• Intramural sports teams
• Gyms and exercise classes (i.e. spinning or yoga)
• University, community college, or graduate-level classes
In conclusion, while keeping your faith is always paramount, as someone who’s single, you need to make sure you’re not using it as an excuse to avoid taking a proactive role in finding romance. If you find you are simply waiting for the Lord to bring you love, you might consider taking certain steps to help you meet your intended. After all, for Believers, the best chance of meeting a mate—while keeping a clear conscious—involves deepening your faith, but also increasing your chances with action…as always, letting God guide your steps, in this case, straight to your soul mate.
4 Comments So Far
I can honestly agree with you on that subject. I have been divorced for five years now, not much dating since then. For so long I have been focusing so much on raising my two sons, working, churching and schooling that I never take the time out to find love. I strongly desire to be in love or to be married again, but I can truly amit that I am AFRAID! afraid that I would say yes to the wrong man again. AFRAID that being with someone will take away my independence and threathen my desire to fulfill my God-ordained purposes. I need to be involved with someone who appreciates my individuality and love me for who I am. One who is not afraid or threathened by God’s plans for my life.
I had this guy at my church that really, really liked me for a long time. I would always brush him off because I wasn’t attracted to him and besides he dated a few other women in the church. That turned me off totally. We had a few encounters via-numerous and long phone conversations, I learned that this man is so much like me I was AFRAID! Well, something happended I ended up SABOTAGING the situation and ran him away due to my own emotional issues/fear. He now has a girlfriend and tells me that he loves her. I do call him occasionally, to how he is doing because I care so much about him still and we still talk on the phone for hours. I strongly believe that this man was my twin/soulmate. I feel so bad for pushing him away and I find myself crying constantly because I feel as though there’s this big whole in my life. I really messed up this time and I wish that I had another chance to make this thing right but it’s too late. I will not come between his relationship, I had my chance and I blew it! I think that he has some feelings for me still but try to anesthetize by dating other women. I will be okay in due time.
I want to say thank you for this article. I have been hiding behind my faith for over 15 years and refused to come from behind it. I thought that God would send the right man for me, right to my front door. I wouldn’t have to be available or make myself available to find love. I was sitting in my room thinking, when is he coming for me? The Holy Spirit quickly responded and said, “when he can find you.” I finally concluded I was really making all the excuses in the world, not to be found, but truly wanted to be found. I was posted a profile on FaithMate.com and am feeling comfortable talking to the people, without feeling I am in sin. I believe God has provided all sorts of avenues for us to be found. I believe I will be. Thanks for the conformation in your article.
So many women including myself are afraid to step out on the faith that we so-called possess to position ourselves to be chosen by men. There was a time when I too had the wrong mindset that there is ONLY one way for God to send me my might. But what I discovered is, as with everything else in life, God can come in many different avenues—He doesn’t work the same way all the time for every single person on the face of this earth. What may work for another would be a terrible mistake or the wrong avenue for someone else’s blessing. God works in mysterious ways. Just as hooking up with different ministries, or finding divine revelation, or whatever—-can be found via the internet—-meaningful male/female relationships can be discovered as well.
The dating/mating trends are ever-changing like the weather. Church folk need to renew their minds and see that just as everything else has changed over time because of technology, the merging of cultures, gender roles changes, etc.–like musical styles for instance, so does dating/mating.
For instance, in the Hebrew culture and other eastern cultures it was normal for the parents to be the match makers as it relates to marriage. Then around the early part of the 2oth century, people began to date and choose their own life partners. Before technology emerged, there was no online dating. There was only traditional methods used to find your mate. But since online dating is something new, we are more cautious and act sanctified and holier than thou. When in reality there is not much more of difference, because when you meet someone in person, you don’t know much about them. You have to still get to know them.
God works through us to help us. He even used people in the bible to find mates. It’s almost no different. We need to stop being religious and start being real. Jesus is about to come back. We need to stop tripping, let God use us, and hook up with the man that God has ordained for us (ha! ha! ha!).
Thank you so much for this article and the responses. You have absolutely described me and my mental state. I have been just waiting on God to send me a mate. I admit just hiding behind my devout faith. Now I think I’ll become more proactive and position myself in a more fertile environment with a greater likehood of meeting someone. Thanks again and my God bless us all.