Match and Be Matched Part II: How to Handle the Aftermath…What if It Works? What if It Doesn’t?

As I discussed in Part I of this series on matchmaking, I am strongly in favor of both online “matchmaking” as well as good, old-fashioned setups. (For those of you who haven’t read it, click here to read Part I before continuing on.) In that post, I cite many reasons for both asking to be matched and for matching others…not the least of which is that—let’s get real—it’s hard to meet someone special, especially if you are not willing to compromise your Christian beliefs and values.

I also mention that, even with the chance for lasting love, people are still hesitant to be set up and to set up others. Why? In my opinion, the first reason is that they don’t know the appropriate way to go about it, which I addressed in Part I. The second, even more influential, reason is that both parties are worried about the potential fallout of setting up mutual friends…What if they actually hit it off? What if they don’t?!?

In Part II, I will do my best to ease this apprehension by shedding light on how to handle both scenarios, both as the matcher and the one being matched. Hopefully, you’ll see that it’s not so scary if you simply know how to handle yourself, the newly-formed couple, or your not-so-smitten mutual mates.

How to handle a successful setup…

As the matchmaker
When your mutual friends have met and fallen for one another, you should take a minute to pat yourself on the back for bringing happiness to the lives of the now-lovebirds…then, take another minute to make sure you don’t unwittingly undo the good you’ve done by rocking the boat in the early, fragile stages of their relationship.

It’s important to remember that your friends are going to feel a little self-conscious as they initially come out as a couple…especially around the person or people who introduced them. It’s just human nature and most likely because they know that all eyes are on them waiting and wondering whether they’re going to continue courting. Therefore, as the person who did the matchmaking, your best move is to temporarily distance yourself, giving the couple space to develop as a twosome together, before double-dating or attending group functions. Especially if you are coupled yourself, you’ll want to immediately join them on outings and other coupled affairs. Don’t. This puts too much pressure on the pair to act a certain way or to define their relationship to others before they’ve defined it to themselves. This doesn’t mean doubling is out forever, just that you should let them approach you for group outings, at their own pace.

Another important mandate is to not dig for details or get involved in their business. As I explained in Part I, the couple should not feel obligated to report back to you on the details of their emerging union. Even though you’ll be curious as to how they feel about one another, if their relationship is to succeed, you need to let them develop emotional intimacy…and this means not having you in the middle; once they get comfortable as a couple, they’ll begin to open up. But remember, if things really work out between them, your friendship with both will inevitably change to some degree…and this is a good thing! After all, you wanted to find a soul mate for your single sister (or brother, co-worker, etc.). And part of them finding happiness with a life partner is that their closest confident may no longer be you, but rather the mate with whom you matched them! So make sure you don’t subconsciously sabotage for selfish reasons.

As part of the couple
Everything I said above also applies if you are the person who has been successfully set up. Of course you will be grateful to your pal who did the pairing, and you should thank them for it. But don’t mistake that to mean you owe them access into your new relationship. As I detailed above, take your time to build a bond with your new boy or girlfriend. When you are ready, join the group once again.

How to handle a setup gone sour…

As the matchmaker
So you set up two mutual friends and no sparks flew; while both found the other perfectly polite, and they had congenial conversation, neither one was interested in continuing a courtship. No problem. The issue, however, arises in the rare instance when a matchmaker’s worst worry comes to pass: The pair you thought would fall in love actually disliked one another, argued, or had an otherwise terrible time. Uh oh. Now you’ve gotten the two-sided reports, and you’re worried you’ll be stuck in the middle of an ugly situation.

Don’t stress! Just remember to take the same advice as if your friends had found each other fabulous: DON’T GET INVOLVED. And don’t take sides. When each reports back to you about how horrible they found the other, discourage their trash talk by simply saying nothing. As he or she tells the tale, just keep quiet. They’ll get the message that you are not interested in badmouthing the behavior. Afterwards, respond by simply saying, “I’m so sorry that you guys didn’t hit it off. He (or she) is usually a really great person, which is why I thought you might make a good match. As you know, it’s hard to predict chemistry, and it seems like yours was just off.” Whatever you do, don’t repeat to each the bad things the other has said about them. If either asks what their date said, again, remain diplomatic: “He (or she) basically said the same thing as you, that it just wasn’t a match.”

Regarding future events, don’t let one bad date make you feel like you can’t co-exist with both parties…at the same party. If you are holding an event, of course, invite both friends, and let each know the other will be there. This allows each to decide for themselves whether or not they want to attend. Especially if they are Christians, gently remind them that everyone has good and bad qualities, and that while they had an off encounter, you have faith that they are both mature enough to be pleasant in each other’s company. Also remember that any awkwardness will wear off quickly, especially if they only had one date.

As part of the failed fix-up
If you have been set up on an uncomfortable or unpleasant date, the same advice holds true: Don’t badmouth the date to your friend who tried to make the match. Not only is it immature, but it’s also ungrateful. After all, your friend went out of his or her way, and out on a limb, to help you find love. Even if it didn’t work out, or worst case you found the date disastrous, thank them for their effort and ask them to think of you again in the future.

Most importantly, whether you have tried unsuccessfully to make a match or been set up with someone who wasn’t a fit, don’t let one fix-up failure discourage you from matching others or being open to future fix-ups. Think of it this way: The chances of you being set up (or setting up others) on a really bad date are not that likely. If you’ve already had one, the odds are in your favor that the next will be far better!