Perfect…And a Parent: Should You Date a Man (or Woman) with Children OR Avoid the Baby “Baggage” Altogether?

While we all know the Bible’s word on divorce and sex outside of marriage (aka “fornication”), the truth of the matter is that in today’s society, an increasing number of single men and women have children. Therefore, if you are in the dating game—and particularly over a certain age—it is almost guaranteed that sooner or later you’ll come across a potential mate who is a parent. If you already have kids of your own, this could be a perfect opportunity to unite two single-parent households into one loving, family unit; however, if you are not a mother or father, it’s an even bigger decision as to whether or not you want to take on the responsibility of dating dads…or marrying moms.

Adding to the confusion is the morality aspect: How did the person come to be a single parent? Are they a practicing Christian who had children within a marriage that sadly didn’t work out? Or, are they loose with their morals, having multiple children from multiple “relationships,” none of which were sanctioned by the vows of matrimony?

In this post, I will discuss the pros and cons of dating single parents if you are not a parent yourself. Hopefully this will open your eyes to the necessary considerations and give you a strategy for determining if this is something that’s just not for you or another opportunity to meet a great match.

The following is a decision tree of sorts: Each is a question to consider with regard to your lifestyle as well as the specific situation of the man/woman you are dating. Evaluate your feelings about each issue, and if you feel a parent is still a potential for you, move on to the next question.

1. What’s his/her story?
As I mentioned above, there are a variety of situations that can lead to someone becoming a single parent, and in my opinion, the hows and whys are extremely crucial in making your decision. Again, if he or she has more than one child out of wedlock—especially if from different fathers or mothers—or a number of children while the person is still quite young themselves, you need to take a good, hard look at their morals and sense of responsibility. While I always stress our humanity and how, even as faithful Christians, we all make mistakes, a person who continues to make the same mistakes over and over either a. doesn’t learn from their mistakes—a sign of irresponsibility or b. doesn’t see any problem with their actions—in this case, a sign of relaxed morals, as sleeping with various people unprotected and outside of marriage is not the kind of Christian behavior you are likely seeking.

Again, the reason you want to find out is not so you can judge them as a non-believer or bad person, but because you are trying to find out what kind of mate you are considering. Someone who has taken sex, and especially parenthood, lightly in the past, will likely continue to do so in the future.

On the other hand, if a person has children as a result of a previous marriage, the next step would be to find out what happened to cause the union to fail. While dating a divorced Christian is a whole other article, the point is that sometimes two good people just aren’t well suited and getting out of the relationship is a brave decision that is likely best for both…as well as the kids. If you see the divorce as a responsible decision or a mere unfortunate circumstance (i.e. the person was not committing adultery or some other disrespectful act towards their spouse), go ahead and move to consideration number two.

2. What’s his/her situation?
By this, I mean what is the level of involvement the person has in the children’s lives. While, hopefully, there is some parental bond, there is a significant difference for you if he or she maintains sole, physical custody. Dating, and eventually marrying, someone who has children that are in their teens and live in another state means periodic visits. While this still means you are going to have to figure out how you fit in as well as form some kind of positive relationship with his/her offspring, this is very different than the alternative. If the man or woman has sole custody, with the children living under their care, you are going to become a parent. Stepparent or not, if these children live under your mate’s roof, you are taking on the role of mother or father. And while this is fine for some people, you need to decide if you are ready for this kind of responsibility…especially if you don’t yet have kids of your own.

Either way, dating a man or woman with kids IS going to impact your relationship as a couple. I know a number of people who are in this situation, and for some of them things have worked out wonderfully. However, each and every one stresses that there are sacrifices to be made: Weekends are often not for romantic rendezvous, but rather play-dates at the park. Vacations to Tahiti are out; instead, the money and missed work are spent visiting the person’s children who happen to live in Idaho. If his or her specific situation is one you feel you can handle, great, move on to the next consideration.

3. What’s your stage of life?
Once you’ve considered your potential mate’s custody arrangement, you need to really assess where you are in your own life. Dating a man or woman with kids is very different if you are 20 and finishing college as opposed to being 30 and ready to settle into family mode. If your interests include hanging out late with friends, sleeping away your Saturday afternoons, or even going away on group retreats, a parent might not be your best partner. Conversely, if you enjoy watching movies at home, feel yourself smiling at every kid you see, or are very family oriented by nature, you might want to give that fine-looking father a shot.

4. How right for you is he/she as a person?
No matter what your age, stage of life, or interests, becoming a stepparent to someone else’s kids is going to involve sacrifice and hard work; although you may only be considering a third date, if you know matter-of-factly that you are not ready for this type of responsibility, you shouldn’t waste your time or his (or especially become involved with their children, only to disappear a few months later).

At the risk of being blunt, the point here is that you need to make sure he/she and your relationship itself are worth it. Worth the extra work. Work the extra time, financial tradeoffs, and the stress that dealing with him co-parenting with his ex will bring. That being said, if you’ve met a man or woman who shares your beliefs, interests, and values and with whom you feel that “I just know it” certainty, all these extras may very well be worth the love you’ll find. As I said, I know more than one friend who wed a man with children from a previous marriage. Both said it took sacrifice, but both felt, in their heart of hearts, he was their soul mate. And both are happily married today, enjoying healthy relationships with their stepchildren.

5. Do you mesh on the matter of more kids?
Finally, the last thing you must consider is whether or not he/she is open to having more children. I’m guessing that if you are open to dating a man or woman who has children, you are happy to raise children, and therefore will probably want to have at least one child of your own. Of course there are exceptions, but if this is accurate, you must make sure to have a straightforward conversation with the person you are dating as to whether or not they want to have more kids. Some single parents are thrilled to add to their brood once they remarry, while others stand firm with being finished. If you want babies of your own, this could certainly be a deal breaker.

And for the positives…

Since I am pointing out all the sacrifices and stresses of dating someone with kids, I feel I should mention that there are a couple benefits to a man/woman with babies. First of all, assuming that he/she had the children within a marriage, this shows that they are capable of committing. Again assuming that he or she didn’t leave the marriage because they couldn’t handle the commitment, studies show that men in particular who marry once are more likely to do it again. Generally speaking, they enjoy being part of a couple as well as the mutual care and compassion that go with it.

A second benefit to dating a man or woman who has kids is that it allows you a “sneak peek” into how they act in relationships as well as how they handle responsibility. I can’t overstate how much you can tell about a person by how they treat their ex, the mother or father of their children. Not only can you get a glimpse at how he/she interacts and manages conflict with their ex, but you can get a preview of how this person would raise your children by how they are raising the children they already have. People often wonder if the person they are dating will be a good mother or father; you don’t have to wonder—just open your eyes and see for yourself.

In summary, as a Christian (or any faith for that matter), the decision to date a person who has children is a personal one. These questions should help you assess your feelings as well as your potential mate’s past and specific situation. If it’s something that you’d rather not be a part of, it is much better to be honest with yourself and steer clear. However, if you determine that the person you’ve met is someone special, you might want to consider seeing if children could fit into your life; especially as you get older, the chance of potential partners being parents only increases—if you are in your 30s or over, completely cutting out this segment of the population is significantly reducing your pool of possibilities…many of whom are the exact type of mate you’d want: family guys or girls who want to make a loving home for their kids and who have learned from their mistakes the first time around. Either way, the most important thing is that you are both honest and on the same page…and that if you do move forward, you wait until you have established yourselves as a committed couple before you become part of the children’s lives.