PART II—Exclusivity: What to Do When Both Are Not up for It?

Last week I wrote an article giving guidelines as to how and when to have the exclusivity conversation (see “PART I—From Dating to Exclusivity: How to Bring It up, Who Brings It up, and What if Both Are Not up for It?” February 2008). Here, as promised, is the conclusion of that subject—what you should do if he/she doesn’t share your interest in becoming exclusive.

Usually I find that people can sense when they are on the same page with someone they are dating (usually by off-the-cuff comments made about being a couple, other couples, or commitment); however, sometimes the talk takes an unexpected turn, with one person declining the proposition to become exclusive. If you are on the receiving end of this “rejection,” it not only feels pretty awful, but it leaves you in a position to think, “Now what?” in terms of continuing your courtship: Should you keep dating this person while knowing that they will continue seeing others, or should you move on to find a mate who wants monogamy?

First of all, I will say that this is a very individual decision, and since every relationship is so unique, it would be impossible for me to give a definitive direction as to which way to go. However, general guidelines can be drawn if we consider the reasons that cause someone to reject becoming a couple. So while this list is not 100% inclusive, most of the time, when someone doesn’t want to become exclusive it is for one of four reasons:

1. It is too early in the relationship (i.e. you haven’t known each other long enough or spent enough time together yet).
2. It is too early in their life (in other words, they are too young or lack fundamental experiences).
3. They have “issues” or fears about commitment; in this case, their fears of commitment are stronger than the standard fears that everyone experiences (those that we can pretty easily move past once we find the one).
4. (As so perfectly put in the book of similar name) They are just not that into you.

Once you understand, and most importantly admit to yourself, which of the following best sums up the reason the person you are dating doesn’t want to move forward, it is easier to decide if you should hang in or move on. So let’s take each separately . . .

1. It is too early in the relationship—i.e. you haven’t known each other long enough or spent enough time together
Refer back to my article on dating around for more information on general timelines for becoming exclusive. However, the point here is that you need to honestly assess why you want to move forward. If you are doing it because you are insecure and want to prematurely “push” the person into exclusivity, it is probably too early; hang in a bit longer, really connect, and then revisit having this talk. On the other hand, if it has been at least a month or longer, and you have been spending a lot of time together (i.e. you talk or see one another nearly every day), you have probably gotten to know each other well enough to make the move—therefore, if this is the case, one of the other reasons is probably at the root of their refusal.

Verdict: If you honestly assess that #1 is the reason for the refusal, HANG IN with this relationship a little longer; it will do both of you good to get to know one another better.

2. It is too early in their life—in other words, they are too young or lack fundamental experiences
If the reason the person you are dating doesn’t want to become exclusive is that they feel they are too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or that they haven’t had the opportunity to date other people, this is a reason worth considering. In fact, it is possible they are acting from a very mature place and realizing that if you are in your early 20s or younger, you probably have a lot of learning left to do about yourself before you commit to another. Also, you don’t want to get serious with someone who feels they don’t know what else is out there. Really, one of the best ways we know what we want is by eliminating what we don’t. If your friend has never dated anyone else, they are likely not in a position to fully appreciate you. While there are exceptions, my advice is to let them get a little more experience, so they don’t feel they have missed out in the mating game.

Verdict: If you think it’s #2, either HANG IN and continue to casually date others yourself, or MOVE ON if you are really ready now to get serious.

3. They have “issues” or fears about commitment
While this is most young men, and many young women as well, most people are able to get past their fears when they meet someone with whom they really connect and share similar beliefs and values. However, if your guy or girl is hesitant, there may be a legitimate and temporary reason for their refusal.

If, for example, they have just gotten out of a bad or serious relationship, I would give them at least a year before they are likely going to be ready to give it another go. If this is the case, and you really feel this person is worth the wait, hang in a little longer. If, however, their issues are more deep seeded (i.e. childhood abuse or a particularly nasty parental divorce), you’ve got a real decision to make, as they may never appropriately work through this trauma. If this is the case, I advise paying attention to the things they are saying surrounding the rejection of exclusivity: Are they saying that they realize they have issues and want to work with a trusted pastor or therapist to get over them? Are they asking you to please stick by them while they work toward being ready? Or, are they simply saying, “I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be.” If the latter is the case, you need to move on; they are likely either using this excuse to cover up the real reason (probably that you are not the one), or they are just not willing to work through their fears to keep you. As we all know, you can’t make someone work on themselves if they aren’t ready, and you don’t want to wait around for someone who’s not giving you anything positive to grab onto.

Verdict: If #3 is the cause, and it seems they are temporarily timid, HANG IN a little longer and see if there is progress; if, however, it seems deep seeded issues are present and they aren’t willing to accept or work through their own fears, MOVE ON to save yourself a lot of sadness.

4. They are just not that into you
Oh, this is a hard one, and I will definitely do a whole article on this in the near future. However, for now, I will say this: If none of the other reasons are the root, it is likely that this guy or girl doesn’t want to stop dating others because deep down, they just don’t feel it 100% for you. While the pain of acknowledging this is bad, the pain and remorse you’ll feel after you’ve wasted months or years of your life waiting for someone to love you is much worse.

If this is the case, remember, chemistry is a very funny thing and part of life is realizing that we can’t put reasons on it. Just as you can’t completely explain why you love one and not another, neither can the one who just doesn’t love you. I’ve been there. Everyone I know has been there. It hurts, but remember you are in good company with EVERY OTHER person in the universe! Also, what I have found through faith to be true is that God has a plan. And without a doubt, the reason this person doesn’t want to be exclusive is because there is someone better suited and more perfect for you waiting in the wings. You need to let go, so you are open to this one who will bring you real bliss.

Verdict: While #4 is a hard one to accept, find solace in your faith and MOVE ON.

The bottom line with exclusivity is that you need to decide what’s right for you based on your needs. If you feel you are genuinely ready for an exclusive relationship and you feel you know the person well enough to move forward as a couple, then you have no choice but to walk if they want to continue seeing others. Believe me, if you try to hang in, waiting, hoping, and pushing for exclusivity from someone who either doesn’t feel you are the one or who is genuinely not ready for this type of relationship, you are only going to end up becoming resentful . . . the relationship will eventually come to its demise anyway, but you will be left with a bag full of bad feelings.

In my opinion, and based on the many couples I have come into contact with, there are only a couple reasons worth hanging in and waiting for them to come around . . . and those are the ones discussed above. Unless they are very young (early 20s or younger), have never dated anyone else, or have a real reason for being temporarily timid, then, unfortunately, you need to move on . . .

But, whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up for asking for exclusivity! Instead, look at the positive: If you had never brought it up, you wouldn’t know that you were wasting your time. While it feels like the conversation was a failure, in reality it was a success for your future. It’s always better to know what’s going on and be able to make decisions from a place of knowledge than to be kept in the dark stuck and stagnating. Keep your faith, keep your head up, and keep your eyes open for your true other half.