Rushing down the aisle? Studies show taking your time encourages marital success

Dilemma

My question is my friend and I met on the internet, we have been dating for only 3 months, we feel as though we want to get married but not until about September, that will be a year we wanted to get married in June but my pastor said that was too early take the time to get to know each other. I thought I could do that and still plan a wedding at the same time.

Deconstruction

First of all, I do understand how exciting it can be to feel like you’ve finally met THE ONE in a sea of Mr. What-the-Hecks? I also understand that in this state, you may feel anxious to make it official and start your lives together. Courting when you have found someone that you really mesh with on a personal and spiritual level is one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world. However, in the throes of that exhilaration, our emotions sometimes override our better judgment and we do things without thinking them through. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think this may be one of those times. Now don’t get me wrong; I am in no way saying that this isn’t your man for life. All I am saying is that even if everything feels oh-so-right, it is wise to take a few things into consideration before you make a hasty walk down the aisle.

Furthermore, I am assuming that while you met online, you do live in the same area and have been dating in person—if you are talking about dating long-distance for three months, that would be a whole other conversation (and one I will address in a future column, but suffice it to say, if that is the case, everything I say herein about taking your time should be followed with an exclamation point). However, proceeding from the premise that you are dating in the traditional manner, where you get to see a lot of one another on a daily or near-daily basis, unfortunately, I am still going to agree with your pastor. And here’s why:

Get to know yourself first before committing to a partner
You don’t mention your age, but assuming that you are under the age of 30, both of you are still developing as individuals. I know at 18 we are considered adults, however, if you ask anyone over 30, you will hear an almost uniform consensus: Your 20s are still really a time of finding yourself, getting to know what you like, and solidifying what’s important to you in life. So while I am not indicating that you need to wait until you are 30 to get married, if you are in your late teens to late 20s, it is best to take your time and make sure your paths in life are heading in the same direction. I realize that you might consider dating for two years (or more) unreasonable, but trust me, because of your age, you will still have decades and decades left to spend as man and wife.

Get to know your partner . . . outside of the honeymoon period
While three perfect months may make you feel like you really know one another, there is something to be said for “the honeymoon period.” I like to describe this as, “The initial stages of a relationship when we are on our best behavior, in essence, pretending to be everything our partner wants, while keeping our less-than-terrific traits hidden from view.”

Now I say this with a wink and a smile, as we are not intending to be deceitful; we are simply consumed with trying to please our partner. During this time, we often let work slide, friendships fade, and even our pets don’t even get as many walks as they used to. Much of our days are spent dreaming of something wonderful we can do for our new love to lavish them with attention and endear them to us for life. However, not only can our friends and families frankly not handle this version of us forever, if we stayed in this state, we’d likely go broke and lose all connection to the outside world.

What I am saying is that somewhere between the six-month and one-year mark, we have to start living our real lives again: bringing responsibilities back to the forefront, working late, taking care of sick aunts, and stressing over family and finances. As this happens, those traits we tried to hide start swimming to the surface. THIS is the time when you truly find out if you and your Romeo are really meant to ride off into the sunset, as this is the time when you meet the person you are going to live with for the rest of your life: the person whose socks you will pick up, whose family you will have to accept, whose job will become your reality. If, at this time, you can say with certainty that this person’s shortcomings are such with which you can live, and even learn to love, your chances for a happy hereafter are greatly increased.

Prolong the fun, before the serious stuff takes over
As I detailed above, the courtship is a time of entertainment, enjoyment, and excitement. When you are dating, a serious decision is which movie to see on Saturday night. However, marriage is not all about the perfect party, a fancy dress, and a big buffet. After the guests go home, so do you . . . and home now includes issues of family, finances, and future. Therefore, it’s important to build up as many fond memories as you can before you move into the serious stuff. Because, while marriage is a wonderful thing, it does come with more stress and strain. If you know you are going to get there someday, there’s no need to hurry ahead; instead take time to enjoy those movies . . . before you have to check in with the babysitter. When things do get tough, you’ll have a whole head full of memories to remind you why you fell in love (with the guy who is currently watching football when the kitchen still needs cleaning).

Don’t ignore the data; divorce risk is higher for those whose age is lower
We all know that divorce has become way too common in our society, and from the standpoint of a practicing Christian, it is something we want to do our best to avoid. What you may not know, however, is that, because of the factors I have cited, numerous studies have shown a connection between marrying young and getting divorced. According to The National Center for Health Statistics, women who marry between the ages of 20 and 24 have a 36.6% chance of divorcing (38.8% for men). However, when women wait until between the ages of 25 and 29, this percent drops to 16.4 (22.3% for men). Finally, for those who become a first-time bride between the ages of 35 and 39, the divorce rate is only 5.1% for women and 6.5% for men! Again, I am not proposing that you wait until you are over 35 to wed; I am just pointing out that statistical evidence shows that waiting a bit can only improve your chances of staying solid.

Savor the special experience of planning your big day
As I said before, now is the time to build your first memories. You should spend at least a year just having fun and finding out about one another. If, after one or two years, things are still going great, then go ahead and get engaged. But again, don’t rush. Planning your big day is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you want to savor the selection of every detail. What I am getting at is that each step in a relationship is unique and enjoyable on its own; and most importantly, once you’ve moved ahead, you’re done with what’s behind. So make each step special and savor each phase before your rush ahead to the next.

Now, all that being said, there are a couple situations that would change my opinion a bit: These are a.—If you are nearing or over 40, have no children, and it is important to you that you have a family (and of course your fiancée is on the same page) or b.—There is some extenuating circumstance—i.e. your fiancée is being shipped out for military duty, and it means a lot to you to marry before his departure. Barring either of these circumstances, which would call for a more timely trip to the alter, there is really no reason to rush! After all, you have your whole lives together ahead of you. Oh, and one more thing: Being anxious for sex is not a good reason to make a hasty move . . . if you have decided to save your virginity for marriage, another year in the general scheme of things is but a minor trade-off for securing a happily ever after.

Until next time, never lose faith . . . it only takes a moment to meet your soul mate.

Regina