Not Getting Returned Responses? Not Getting Asked Out? Dos and Don’ts for Improving Your Online IQ (Interest Quotient)

While online dating is immediately successful for some people—they seem to be instantaneously flooded with e-mails, smiles, winks, and requests for dates—for others, things seem to plod along with a contact made here or there, maybe one back-and-forth e-mail chat, and the once-in-a-blue-moon in-person encounter. Of course for the latter, this can be frustrating, because we all know that the more people you attract, the more options you have to choose from. Especially if you are seeking a fellow Christian and not willing to settle for someone with compromised morals or barely-there beliefs, you already know that your pool of potentials is going to be smaller than some.

In considering the cause, we must first realize that there is one of two things going on here. The first scenario is that you are not getting initial contacts (i.e. few people are “smiling” or “winking” at you or adding you to their “Hotlist” or “MaybeMates”). If this describes your experience, then your posted profile or picture is likely the problem. This is actually an easily remedied situation; with a few tweaks to your profile and possibly a more appealing photo, you’ll be on your way to smiles and suitors. (For pointers on creating high-performance photos and profiles, see “Three Ways to Construct a Superior Dating Profile” and “7 Tips to Improve Your Online Dating Profile Photo(s),” November 2007.)

However, what you post on the site (your profile and picture) is not the entire indicator of how successful you will be with online dating. Your actions and responses once you make contact with a potential date are crucial in determining how many repeat contacts you receive and how many of them progress into real-life romance. Therefore, if you notice that you are receiving initial contacts, e-mails, and other indicators of interest, but that things don’t seem to progress past one or two e-mails, IMs, or maybe a brief phone chat, your behavior (what you write, say, do, or don’t do) is likely sabotaging your success, making you less appealing to the single men you seek. So if you are ready to take an honest assessment of your own contribution to your online outcomes, read closely the following dos and don’ts for extended, relationship-building communication:

DON’T be too eager
While some may disagree, and I’m certainly not condoning game playing, it’s best not to respond immediately to e-mails and phone calls (although IMs are fine, hence the term “instant message”). Once you have been communicating for a bit, and you have developed more of a rapport, then great, go ahead. But for the first few instances, resist the temptation to recklessly reply; even if it’s just waiting an hour, this shows that you have things going on in your life other than waiting at your inbox for potential partners.

DON’T play games either
While I just discouraged responding immediately, I also do not recommend following any random set of “rules” that tell you to wait long blocks of time. As I said, the point here is just not to look (for lack of a better word) desperate—that doesn’t mean you need to wait “three days” between e-mails or phone messages either. Responding a bit later in the same day shows you are open and interested, just not perched at your keypad. And in the event that you do come across a man who is one of these wait-four-days-between-each-contact guys, go ahead and wait forever to return his messages; he’s either a game player, has a packed roster of rotating women, or is so insecure that he lets his buddies dictate his dating behavior.

DON’T bare your soul
I believe that people need to earn the right to be privy to our deepest secrets, feelings, and fears. Furthermore, I know that revealing these things too early is a good way to bring a potential romance to a screeching halt. Opening up about your bad childhood or a previous substance abuse problem via e-mail or a first phone call sends the message that you don’t respect yourself enough to safeguard your soul by waiting until someone earns your trust. Not only does this make you appear psychologically unstable, but he will feel like it’s a cry for help . . . a call he is neither equipped nor interested in answering when it comes from someone he barely knows.

DON’T talk about exes
In addition to intimate issues, another off-limits topic should be past relationships. If asked, it’s fine to answer in broad, truthful terms (i.e. “My last relationship lasted nine months and ended in February), but don’t dish the details, and in particular, don’t put down your past partners or tell terrible tales of the breakup. When you talk too much about past relationships or talk about them in an overly negative (or overly positive) manner, it makes it seem like either a.) you are still bitter or b.) you are still trying to get over him.

DON’T be a complainer
“Constant complaining” is actually cited by men as one of the biggest initial turn-offs. Think about it: Would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is angry, irritated, or in general, dissatisfied with their life? Furthermore, as Christians, we are taught to be grateful for all the wonderful things God has given us. The problem here is that usually people don’t realize how much they are complaining: For instance, maybe his second e-mail catches you in the middle of a bad day at work; remember, your potential date doesn’t know what you are like, for example, when your boss isn’t belittling you. That’s why it’s important to leave your problems behind closed doors . . . at least during initial encounters.

DO keep it light and low-drama
While you don’t have to pretend to be little miss cheerful, keeping a positive tone in early communications is crucial for continued contact. Again, put yourself in his shoes: Early contacts and the first couple dates are the time to vibe each other’s personalities and have fun. You are just trying to tell if you click, and when someone starts bringing out the baggage too early, it’s usually a sign of trouble ahead. Men (and women) like to be around people who are low-drama, have a generally positive outlook on life, and are grateful for God’s gifts. Fear not, if things work out, you’ll have plenty of time later to deal with the dark stuff.

DON’T diss yourself
One of the biggest turn-offs to potential dates is someone who is constantly putting him or herself down. Negative comments about your appearance, accomplishments, or relationship history make it seem like you don’t think you are worthy of a great guy . . . and if you don’t think you deserve love, how can you expect him to think so? To put it bluntly, saying things like “I can’t seem to find anyone” or “My relationships never work out” is like telling a man, “I am pathetic; hopefully you will take pity on me.” Talk about turning someone off! Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying you should brag or take some diva attitude, rather I am suggesting an attitude of contentment with yourself. If this seems absolutely impossible, it might be something you should consider talking about with a professional or your pastor, as it will hinder you in more than just relationships.

DO take a genuine interest in him
As I just said, e-mails and first encounters are not the time to share your secrets or pry into personal details of his life, however, sometimes we get so hung-up with trying to make a good impression that we forget to ask about the other person! Remember, everyone likes to share about themselves and people like others who take a genuine interest in their life. In our world, having someone really listen is so rare . . . but it makes you feel so wonderful. Be that wonderful feeling for a potential partner and it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll stick around.

DON’T focus too much on faith
First of all, I am in no way saying that you should hide your faith—quite to the contrary, in fact. I think it is important to make a man aware of your Christianity and your commitment to Christ right from the onset. However, making your faith the main topic of conversation or talking on and on about your strong beliefs during initial contacts can be intimidating to a person or make them feel like you are going to try to impose your beliefs on them. Even if he is the Christian man you are seeking, he may feel like you are evaluating him and the strength of his beliefs, as if you are looking for a “Perfect Christian,” which is a standard to which no one would feel they measure up. Instead, make your faith known, then move on to other topics; there is a time and place for deep, religious discussions . . . your first phone call is not one of them.

DON’T mention money
This probably goes without saying, however, I will touch on it just the same: Like sex, money is a subject that is inappropriate to discuss until you know someone better. Things like prying into his financial status are quite obviously communication killers, but even seemingly innocent things like mentioning that you are “looking for a better paying job,” “trying to pay off some credit card debt,” or conversely, “have finally hit the six-figure mark” can be misconstrued as either looking for a man for financial stability or looking to appeal to a man because of your spectacular salary. It’s unfortunate that in today’s world people are hypersensitive to this behavior (and a discussion of why will have to wait until another article), but regardless of the reason, it is fact. Better to be aware and keep causal communications free from mentions of money.

While it’s sometimes hard to hear that we are (at least partially) the cause of our own lack of success or happiness, I feel it’s important to know the truth . . . I think most of us would rather be humbled and happy than right and regretful. And besides, most times, we are completely unaware of our own bad-news behaviors or the effect they are having on the way others see us. With online dating, it’s important to keep in mind that potential mates have a very limited amount of information on which to make an assessment of you. While this doesn’t seem right, there is really no other option (there is no way someone can know the REAL YOU via two e-mails and a phone call); the best we can do is accept that this is the way of the Web and do what we can to make our first impressions, well, impressive.